Hi all, this is my story

[Luna Dark]

I just got done reading this thread here and had to add my personal story into a thread of my own:

Lonely In A Relationship Thread

This is kind of a response, though it's my story too.

I am lonely even though I have a partner because we have been through a lot together over the last few years and after all of our shared dreams were crushed by circumstances beyond our control my partner came out as a transsexual. She's transitioning to live life full time as a woman now and I'm at a total loss. All of my dreams of having my last child and a nice, decent wedding are over. Sure I might have some kind of commitment ceremony in the future but conceiving my own child again will never happen. Only other people who have gone through the grief and sheer desperation of secondary infertility would even begin to understand that kind of pain.

At 32 years of age I thought I'd have a good partner that wanted (mainly) the same things out of life and be fairly emotionally stable. I waited many years to meet this man after my first failed marriage. I spent a lot of time doing all the soul-searching I needed to do (including turning down unsuitable offers for many years) to know what I truly wanted and for all intents and purposes my current relationship really looked like it was everything I hoped it would turn out to be. I'm still in shock, denial, anger and absolute bitterness over how I could not have seen this coming. There was just no way to tell, no clues, my partner didn't even cross-dress in all the years we were together so it was completely left-field when she dropped the bomb on me. Right up until that moment I saw her as my man. Because she was one.

The loneliness seemed to have always been there to a certain degree, but it got even more prominent when my love lost interest in 'us' and began to aggressively pursue her own womanhood. It is possibly the worst thing that could happen to anyone in a relationship that otherwise feels and looks healthy. I'm sure all women get insecure that they may lose their partner to another woman but most of us don't fear our partners actually becoming women. It's the most lonely thing living with someone who went from your (supposedly) devoted husband to some insanely narcissistic transwoman almost overnight. Everything that used to be about us is now just about her in her world. We no longer share a bed at night (even though we are sometimes intimate) and to most outsiders we appear to be living lives as single women not seeking relationships.

I have children from a previous marriage and as wonderful as it would be to just move on and meet someone else, I actually care about what it would feel like for the kids if I did that. I think they know my current relationship is doomed but they have come to love and cherish this person as a step-parent because we've been together so long and they have formed bonds with her that mean a lot to all of them. I don't want the kids to be the reason I stay with her but how they feel is important to me, especially when I'm considering a life-changing event or serious changes that will affect them. I actually did try breaking up with my partner for awhile and it was so lonely for us all that she ended up moving back in after only six weeks. We couldn't stop seeing each other or talking daily and it was clear that breaking up was the wrong solution for us at that time.

Having said that, I still don't know whether I'm coming or going in this relationship. Before her transition, my partner and I seemed to have common goals and enjoy the dynamic of our relationship as a man-woman couple. This lack of attention towards the commonalities in our lives and her refusal to give me any concrete answers about why we're still together after everything has changed has freaked me out beyond reason. I get that because she is in transition she can't answer some things honestly (without being sure she won't change her mind later) but I've found even trying to have a relationship with someone who can't decide whether they really want you or not takes its toll. Deep down I think she still loves me as much as I love her, but everything has changed so much I'm not sure I trust anything she says or even anything I say and do anymore.

The hormones she's taking seem to have affected her mind in subtle ways that even I can't read. I don't even know if she wants me to be her future or whether she will eventually decide she wants a guy. This is just another thing that screws with my head at times, though I try to put it out of my mind because dwelling on it only makes me feel crazy. I have tried posting in transgender support forums and talking to other women who are facing the same situation as me but if they all fear their husbands (now wives?) are going to leave them for a man, none of them admit to it. This kind of really sucks because it's one of those make-or-break things for me and I can't get an honest answer out of my girl yet because I think she truly doesn't know what she wants yet. Perhaps she's just afraid I will force her to leave if she admits to having changed her mind, but it would be truly sad if she's thinking like this too. I deserve to be free to be with someone who really wants me if she doesn't. It's only fair right?

I have found that I could not talk to my friends in real life about these issues because they are all straight folks (naturally - I didn't know any LGBT folks before I met my honey) and would either hate me or ridicule me if I tried to discuss anything about her with them. Absolutely every hetero individual that has given me a piece of their minds about her transition have all acted upon the belief that because I was hetero I would simply not tolerate her coming out (as though it was some illness I'm meant to recover from) and that my natural inclination would be to leave her to find a straight partner. Intellectualizing the seriousness of this situation and trying to ignore my feelings has done nothing but make me feel worse. I have nowhere else to turn but the internet, in hopes that I might find other like-minded, lonely souls out there who understand.

I'm sorry for such a long-winded post. I'm so sad and grieving this life I thought I had. In all it took 9 years to build something that I thought was solid and very very precious, just to see it all taken down and destroyed right in front of me by just a few words from my partner. Almost a whole decade is a long time to pass in your life for something you worked so hard to achieve to fail you so badly. It's soul-crushing stuff indeed. I have tried medication (didn't work) and I'm now on a waiting list for talk therapy, though I'm not sure I want to fork out hundreds of dollars to have someone tell me to just "think more positive, things will work out!".

I don't know if it is my age or my life circumstances that have driven me to be this lonely and angry-at-the-world person, but it's happened and all I can do is try to fight my way out of it. If you have had the time and patience to read my whole post before responding, you are a saint indeed. Thank you for reading.

Luna

 

[Minus]

I have no answers for you. It sounds like an extremely difficult time. I do wish you the best in this.

 

[Punisher]

Hi Luna Dark

Sorry for what you're going through

 

[Badjedidude]

I can't imagine the sort of world-shaking impact this type of situation could have on a person....but I wish you the best and I hope that you find some friends here to make things a bit easier for you. *hug*

 

[Steel]

First off, hey, and welcome.

I think at some point you are going to have to sit down and have a heart to heart with your partner about all this. Unfortunately I don't believe there will ever be a "right" time to do so. All you can do is be honest with one another; such a massive change in the nature of a relationship will require a great deal of adjustment on both your parts, and you should feel no shame for either continuing or discontinuing with it.

Take care.

 

[AndrewM]

Hi Luna,

I think you'll find that talking a trained, experienced therapist will be a good thing. There's no way a serious professional will say stuff like "think more positive, things will work out!" and expect that to solve anything. Sometimes, of course, they won't say very much at all and you'll wonder what the deal is. But they're not there to tell you what to do; they're there to help you take control of your own feelings and thoughts. That can take time, and unfortunately can be expensive. But I've found the process to be well worth it.

 

[stella]

yeah you should definitely go to a therapist trained in this sort of stuff. personally i wouldn't be able to cope with your situation and would have left the minute i found out that they wanted to be a woman to protect my own head and my kid's heads.

 

[coricopat]

Awwww hon, that is truly a messed up situation and I'm sorry you're having to go through it.

I have ZERO experience with trans-gender situations, but honestly, from reading your post, the fact that she's not willing to say anything definite is a big red flag to me. Like I said, ZERO experience, but changing your gender would not in any way change your sexual orientation, or feelings about your current partner. Usually when a break-up occurs, it's because the other partner can't handle the changes the trans person is going through, or because the trans person was hiding their true sexual identity in an effort to fit in. That's probably why you aren't getting answers on the trans forums. Your situation makes me think that your partner is scared to admit to her true feelings because she still needs you in some way, or that at the very least she's too caught up in her own situation to give you what you need. Also, ARE you ok with these changes, or are you sticking with this person b/c you're scared of being alone/worried about the kids?

Therapy is a must for you. I imagine your partner is seeing a therapist, since that's usually a requirement for people undergoing sex changes, and you should be seeing one as well and the two of you should probably be seeing one together. Have you not talked with your partner's therapist about your concerns?

And if you don't mind me asking, are you actually infertile or just worried that life's circumstances won't let you have another child? Because the inability to have children IS something I have experience with, but I kind of got the impression that you were only upset about not being able to have kids with this particular person. And if you're not actually infertile, and dude isn't a lady yet, you can have her freeze a donation or two just in case you two get things worked out.

 

[Luna Dark]

Thanks for all of your hugs and advice. Unfortunately for me my partner gained access to this page (not my account sign-in thank goodness) and read everything I wrote here. This has forced the issue and it's not going well. Stella, if you're ever in a serious relationship that has been going on for years and this happens to you I sincerely hope you don't love the person enough at all to consider leaving and just getting on with your own life. Advice like that is kind of trite without considering the feelings involved. For most people who break up with someone they truly love, it hurts like hell and takes a long time to get over. Most people don't end up suffering an existential crisis where all of their beliefs have come into question like this has caused me. Life has to deal you some very screwy twists and turns to achieve this. I've broken up with other people I loved before and nothing like this ever happened to me. To all who suggested the therapy, thank you, I live in a small area so I'm still on a waiting list for this therapy and it is a step I've already taken in dealing with this.

 

[Badjedidude]

Well, whatever you do, just remember this:

It's not a crime for you to want a MAN. You may like who your partner is as a person....but if "she" changes to the point where it doesn't feel right for you anymore, then there's absolutely NOTHING wrong with you wanting to move on. What you want is what you want. It's not betrayal or discrimination for you to want a man. Just keep that in mind.

*HUGS*

 

[Luna Dark]

Awwww hon, that is truly a messed up situation and I'm sorry you're having to go through it.

I have ZERO experience with trans-gender situations, but honestly, from reading your post, the fact that she's not willing to say anything definite is a big red flag to me. Like I said, ZERO experience, but changing your gender would not in any way change your sexual orientation, or feelings about your current partner. Usually when a break-up occurs, it's because the other partner can't handle the changes the trans person is going through, or because the trans person was hiding their true sexual identity in an effort to fit in. That's probably why you aren't getting answers on the trans forums. Your situation makes me think that your partner is scared to admit to her true feelings because she still needs you in some way, or that at the very least she's too caught up in her own situation to give you what you need. Also, ARE you ok with these changes, or are you sticking with this person b/c you're scared of being alone/worried about the kids?

Therapy is a must for you. I imagine your partner is seeing a therapist, since that's usually a requirement for people undergoing sex changes, and you should be seeing one as well and the two of you should probably be seeing one together. Have you not talked with your partner's therapist about your concerns?

And if you don't mind me asking, are you actually infertile or just worried that life's circumstances won't let you have another child? Because the inability to have children IS something I have experience with, but I kind of got the impression that you were only upset about not being able to have kids with this particular person. And if you're not actually infertile, and dude isn't a lady yet, you can have her freeze a donation or two just in case you two get things worked out.

Thank you for your well thought out response. It is a difficult situation and I'll try not to write too much but here goes...

My partner got a hormone prescription from her doctor after just a few visits with a sexual health counsellor. Perhaps we're just really backwards here where I live, but doctors can just follow the Harry Benjamin standards of care at their own discretion, meaning any person who identifies as trans can force their transition along with a doctor if they really want it badly enough and the doc believes they are truly suffering from dysphoria. I think think this is wrong and I can see suicide in her future if she's making a big mistake but no one seems to care what I think and I know my partner would hate me if I interferred in her plans. I have never been OK with this and I have tried to get on board with her transition so that I wouldn't lose her but I feel like I am anyways.

To answer your question, yes I am infertile (I have done tests) and so has my partner, she had low sperm count when tested and it is confirmed I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. It did take some time to get pregnant in my 20s but I didn't know I had this condition then. My doctor said I could get pregnant even during our fertility testing, despite the fact that my partner and I hadn't used protection for over four years, so I guess PCOS can be that aggressive that it can stop you and if your partner isn't very fertile either that leaves you with something pathetic like a .06% chance of conception on every cycle even using ovulation strips, temping, etc.

No one could give me any hope on that situation and I'm starting to see the blessing in us not having another child, as much as I wanted one more. It is too late even if we worked things out, my partner has been on the hormones for half a year and is quite likely very infertile now. This is part of what made me so angry about my situation. My fertility heavily depended on my age, and thanks to my condition I will never have another child again even if this ended and I met someone else in a few years.

It appears that both my partner and I have failed each others' expectations by not being upfront enough about what we wanted. Obviously having a child was not a priority for my sweetie and it angers me that she had ample opportunity to say she didn't want a child, but her transition is just a nightmare to me. She didn't tell me she was transsexual and embarking on her transition until the day she got her hormones so it's not like we really sat down and discussed what she was expecting out of our long term future. I felt like I'd been hit with a freight train mentally and emotionally. I don't wish this kind of devastation on anyone.

I wish I had more hope and happy ideas for my future but I am facing a change in everything I've been led to believe up until now. The more advice I read from folks and the more I think about this and what living with my partner is really like, I can't ignore the feeling of being used. My partner doesn't seem to care how much this has hurt me and I'm feeling like an idiot right now for still having feelings for her! I came here because I am lonely with this and I wanted an anonymous outlet for this pain while I wait to get my appointment with the therapist (I'm still on a waiting list). Thanks to my partner reading my OP I may have to be more careful about what I'm typing in future.

Luna

---

Well, whatever you do, just remember this:

It's not a crime for you to want a MAN. You may like who your partner is as a person....but if "she" changes to the point where it doesn't feel right for you anymore, then there's absolutely NOTHING wrong with you wanting to move on. What you want is what you want. It's not betrayal or discrimination for you to want a man. Just keep that in mind.

*HUGS*

Thank you. It's great to get other ideas on how I can look at things. I've been wondering because of my failures in trying to settle with someone whether it actually was wrong to want a man to be with. My partners' transition introduced the idea that gender can be irrelevant but doesn't necessarily negate how I've always viewed sex and gender before this crisis. Thanks again for pointing this out.

 

[stella]

Stella, if you're ever in a serious relationship that has been going on for years and this happens to you I sincerely hope you don't love the person enough at all to consider leaving and just getting on with your own life. Advice like that is kind of trite without considering the feelings involved.

i would have more love for children and be more concerned over the impact the situation has had on them. i would put their mental health before my own or my partners. you can't dent that this is going to have huge implications on them. i would protect them from it. so no i don't think my advice is 'trite' at all. im brutal with the truth. perhaps its not the feed back you wanted to hear. but you need to face reality. there is more at stake here than your attachments to this person you feel in love with.