Just wanted to say hello, and that I have enjoyed finding / browsing this forum lately.
Everyone has a reason for coming on forums such as this one, and I guess it is best to lay out your cards at the beginning so that others who reply to your posts in the future can do so with relevant background knowledge.
So I suppose I should explain some abstract details about myself. I am 26 years old, male, and I live in Australia (of which I have never left)
I guess I haven't had the greatest childhood / upbringing, to explain it in short point form would be:
- Dad left, toke/sold everything out from under us when I was young, don't communicate
- Brother is severely mentally ill, and has given up on life (for about 8 years now).
- Mother gets by on anti-depressants
- Not really any other family
- No real help, motivation to succeed, or money to fall back on
On the last note, I have tried to make a life for myself, but I have suffered from a lot of depression in the past. I remember convincing myself at one point that I could not feel / be any lower than I was, so anything would is better than this. It's a mental state that I guess I surrendered to in order to protect what was left of my sanity. It did help me feel better, but as a bi-product I seemed to lose a lot of my ability to feel some necessary emotions.
I tried to make my life better from then on, but I have not evolved into the happy, hope-filled people I see everyday on the street. I forced myself to get a education / degree on government borrowed money (racking up dept I had no idea if I could ever pay off), and managed to get a job in my chosen industry. Even now that I know I can start building a life for myself, and that I got here alone, I am still in that weird state. As if I'm afraid to finally be happy and show proper emotions, or I that still believe I'm inevitably going to return to where I was.
My life over the years has been one where I constantly judge myself, my actions, and my intelligence. If I don't know how to do something, I get extremely frustrated with myself, I insult myself, and won't be able to continue until I know how to do it. I was not a Psychology major, so I wouldn't know exactly what that trait represents, but I have an idea based on my recurring thoughts.
I think it would be fairly obvious to see that I am a non-religious person, as this is generally what happens when someone is force fed reality at an early age. For as much as I would like to subscribe to delusion in order to ascertain comfort I still feel that it is wrong to do so. I have developed into someone that values logic, rationality, and the realization that this life represents my one window of existence. I am quietly cynical, and find it hard to trust other human beings, yet I am brutally nice to most of the people I met in person. I sometimes find it hard to have 'general' conversation with others, but when I am talking about work or interests I can be an extremely fluent orator.
I am quite a lonely person, I have a couple of friends I see on the odd weekend, but other than that I keep to myself. I have never been to a night club, have seldom set foot in a bar, and don't go out a lot other than for work. It has been about a year since I had a relationship, and I really do miss the companionship. But I know it would not be exactly fair to have another partner, as I cannot provide happiness for myself yet, let alone someone else.
I believe that people do (albeit subconsciously) judge others based on first impressions. So I hope that I come across as at least honest, it is a virtue after all.
To lighten the mood a bit, I am interested in computers (as my job, and hobby), and I'm some what of a history buff, specializing in ancient Roman history and mythology. I also like to play the keyboard and learn other languages
Thanks for reading this far, and sorry for the long post.
P.S My nickname is definitely not a reflection on my character, for any poets out there.
Everyone has a reason for coming on forums such as this one, and I guess it is best to lay out your cards at the beginning so that others who reply to your posts in the future can do so with relevant background knowledge.
So I suppose I should explain some abstract details about myself. I am 26 years old, male, and I live in Australia (of which I have never left)
I guess I haven't had the greatest childhood / upbringing, to explain it in short point form would be:
- Dad left, toke/sold everything out from under us when I was young, don't communicate
- Brother is severely mentally ill, and has given up on life (for about 8 years now).
- Mother gets by on anti-depressants
- Not really any other family
- No real help, motivation to succeed, or money to fall back on
On the last note, I have tried to make a life for myself, but I have suffered from a lot of depression in the past. I remember convincing myself at one point that I could not feel / be any lower than I was, so anything would is better than this. It's a mental state that I guess I surrendered to in order to protect what was left of my sanity. It did help me feel better, but as a bi-product I seemed to lose a lot of my ability to feel some necessary emotions.
I tried to make my life better from then on, but I have not evolved into the happy, hope-filled people I see everyday on the street. I forced myself to get a education / degree on government borrowed money (racking up dept I had no idea if I could ever pay off), and managed to get a job in my chosen industry. Even now that I know I can start building a life for myself, and that I got here alone, I am still in that weird state. As if I'm afraid to finally be happy and show proper emotions, or I that still believe I'm inevitably going to return to where I was.
My life over the years has been one where I constantly judge myself, my actions, and my intelligence. If I don't know how to do something, I get extremely frustrated with myself, I insult myself, and won't be able to continue until I know how to do it. I was not a Psychology major, so I wouldn't know exactly what that trait represents, but I have an idea based on my recurring thoughts.
I think it would be fairly obvious to see that I am a non-religious person, as this is generally what happens when someone is force fed reality at an early age. For as much as I would like to subscribe to delusion in order to ascertain comfort I still feel that it is wrong to do so. I have developed into someone that values logic, rationality, and the realization that this life represents my one window of existence. I am quietly cynical, and find it hard to trust other human beings, yet I am brutally nice to most of the people I met in person. I sometimes find it hard to have 'general' conversation with others, but when I am talking about work or interests I can be an extremely fluent orator.
I am quite a lonely person, I have a couple of friends I see on the odd weekend, but other than that I keep to myself. I have never been to a night club, have seldom set foot in a bar, and don't go out a lot other than for work. It has been about a year since I had a relationship, and I really do miss the companionship. But I know it would not be exactly fair to have another partner, as I cannot provide happiness for myself yet, let alone someone else.
I believe that people do (albeit subconsciously) judge others based on first impressions. So I hope that I come across as at least honest, it is a virtue after all.
To lighten the mood a bit, I am interested in computers (as my job, and hobby), and I'm some what of a history buff, specializing in ancient Roman history and mythology. I also like to play the keyboard and learn other languages
Thanks for reading this far, and sorry for the long post.
P.S My nickname is definitely not a reflection on my character, for any poets out there.
