Karl Einsam
New member
Hello everyone. I stumbled upon this forum after an adventurous 'googling' night, and I thought I just might give it a shot.
About myself then: I'm a 23 years old Mexican guy. So yeah, English is not my mother tongue, so I ask you to be lenient with any mistakes I would make with the language.
I am currently studying both Philosophy and Linguistics. I love books, learning foreign languages, video games, sadness and women.
So, yes, I'm lonely. But I can't explain myself why. The thing is: I'm a very nice guy - I treat everyone around me with respect, I never talk behind anyone's back, I always thing the best about everyone and never mistrust them, I always help people if I have the chance (even if they don't ask me to explicitly); besides that, people tell me I'm very intelligent and learned (I don't believe so, I think I just have an average intelligence with a lot of free time for it to take profit of), that I'm very sensitive and understanding and that I'm very 'interesting', whatever that means. I also am very nice towards girls and I think that I'm a pretty decent fellow, physically speaking.
And notwithstanding all those positive traits of mine, I am alone. I have very bad luck with girls: either they don't love me as much as I love them, or they just want to be 'friends', although they always tend to abandon me at the end of the day. As for real friends, I don't have any. People only look for me if they need something from the 'bag of tricks' of my abilities, but once they got what they want, they leave me. I don't blame them, though: but still, I just don't understand why the same people who tell me I'm intelligent and interesting leave me alone. If at least they hated or mocked me, it would make some sense: but they are all indifferent. I'm completely invisible, if not for my abilities.
It may be that I speak too much about things like sadness and stuff; but anyway, I've heard them speak of those topics too, and they are not something like stigmatised feelings to most people in my country. It may be, like my family says, that I'm "far too good and polite" towards people: they say something like "debes tratar mal a los demás para que ellos te traten bien a ti" (you must treat bad everyone around you for them to treat you right) - but the thing is, that is not an opinion that only my family subscribes to: it's like the moral dictum of my country. "People like to be treated bad, because they've always been treated bad - so, if you treat them right, they will distrust you - they won't believe you wish them good"...
... and yes, that may be it. I'm not better than anyone, I know... but maybe people expect that - expect me to be rude and haughty? Anyway, I don't want to change - this is who I am. And I don't think all people attach themselves to that stupid and irrational maxim. The problem is, I can't find that people. So I'm completely alone, if not for my family (family is a very important element in the life of every Mexican - we usually don't leave our parents until we're 28 or 30). I stay most of my time at home, except when I'm attending classes.
But don't get me wrong: I like to be alone. I can think, inspect my mind and do a lot of things without having to depend on someone all the time. It endows me with a very valuable sense of freedom and inwardness that I would not change for anything. It also allows me to love more deeply and get in a more direct contact with my feelings than any other experience would let me.
My problem is that (it may sound stupid, but I hope you may be comprehensible towards me) I have a lot of love to give, but I see that no one wants it, that it's never enough for them. Maybe it's because I myself am not enough. Since I was a teenager I wanted to find a girl who would understand my love and whom I could make happy just by being me. I've had girlfriends before, but they just see me as a 'someone else', as 'someone expendable' or 'temporary'. And I want permanence, something endurable and true. I'm not looking for anything outworldly - I just want a nice and understanding girl, who would not let me alone, just as I won't let her alone. But no: I always have to be boyfriend to girls who tell me that 'they don't get it', who distrust my being so nice, or who may appear to love to be with me, but can't give me anything in return except for... well, narcissistic treatment...
Same thing with friends. I wish I just could have a friend to whom I could tell everything, and who would trust me just as much, someone who would not get bored with me and who would like me for myself and not for that I know or am able to do.
Sorry for making this so long XD I just wanted to, you know, give vent to my sadness.
I wish you all good day/evening/night/whatever. If anyone's looking for a friend, here I am, folks!
About myself then: I'm a 23 years old Mexican guy. So yeah, English is not my mother tongue, so I ask you to be lenient with any mistakes I would make with the language.
I am currently studying both Philosophy and Linguistics. I love books, learning foreign languages, video games, sadness and women.
So, yes, I'm lonely. But I can't explain myself why. The thing is: I'm a very nice guy - I treat everyone around me with respect, I never talk behind anyone's back, I always thing the best about everyone and never mistrust them, I always help people if I have the chance (even if they don't ask me to explicitly); besides that, people tell me I'm very intelligent and learned (I don't believe so, I think I just have an average intelligence with a lot of free time for it to take profit of), that I'm very sensitive and understanding and that I'm very 'interesting', whatever that means. I also am very nice towards girls and I think that I'm a pretty decent fellow, physically speaking.
And notwithstanding all those positive traits of mine, I am alone. I have very bad luck with girls: either they don't love me as much as I love them, or they just want to be 'friends', although they always tend to abandon me at the end of the day. As for real friends, I don't have any. People only look for me if they need something from the 'bag of tricks' of my abilities, but once they got what they want, they leave me. I don't blame them, though: but still, I just don't understand why the same people who tell me I'm intelligent and interesting leave me alone. If at least they hated or mocked me, it would make some sense: but they are all indifferent. I'm completely invisible, if not for my abilities.
It may be that I speak too much about things like sadness and stuff; but anyway, I've heard them speak of those topics too, and they are not something like stigmatised feelings to most people in my country. It may be, like my family says, that I'm "far too good and polite" towards people: they say something like "debes tratar mal a los demás para que ellos te traten bien a ti" (you must treat bad everyone around you for them to treat you right) - but the thing is, that is not an opinion that only my family subscribes to: it's like the moral dictum of my country. "People like to be treated bad, because they've always been treated bad - so, if you treat them right, they will distrust you - they won't believe you wish them good"...
... and yes, that may be it. I'm not better than anyone, I know... but maybe people expect that - expect me to be rude and haughty? Anyway, I don't want to change - this is who I am. And I don't think all people attach themselves to that stupid and irrational maxim. The problem is, I can't find that people. So I'm completely alone, if not for my family (family is a very important element in the life of every Mexican - we usually don't leave our parents until we're 28 or 30). I stay most of my time at home, except when I'm attending classes.
But don't get me wrong: I like to be alone. I can think, inspect my mind and do a lot of things without having to depend on someone all the time. It endows me with a very valuable sense of freedom and inwardness that I would not change for anything. It also allows me to love more deeply and get in a more direct contact with my feelings than any other experience would let me.
My problem is that (it may sound stupid, but I hope you may be comprehensible towards me) I have a lot of love to give, but I see that no one wants it, that it's never enough for them. Maybe it's because I myself am not enough. Since I was a teenager I wanted to find a girl who would understand my love and whom I could make happy just by being me. I've had girlfriends before, but they just see me as a 'someone else', as 'someone expendable' or 'temporary'. And I want permanence, something endurable and true. I'm not looking for anything outworldly - I just want a nice and understanding girl, who would not let me alone, just as I won't let her alone. But no: I always have to be boyfriend to girls who tell me that 'they don't get it', who distrust my being so nice, or who may appear to love to be with me, but can't give me anything in return except for... well, narcissistic treatment...
Same thing with friends. I wish I just could have a friend to whom I could tell everything, and who would trust me just as much, someone who would not get bored with me and who would like me for myself and not for that I know or am able to do.
Sorry for making this so long XD I just wanted to, you know, give vent to my sadness.
I wish you all good day/evening/night/whatever. If anyone's looking for a friend, here I am, folks!
