How Am I Supposed to Move Past This?

[petrovchanka]

Hi All,

The following recollection is one that occurred over 2 and a half years ago. I dated a "man" who I really shouldn't classify that way. He was a barbarian, a date rapist, a liar, a cheat...and still, I let him into my life. He was unemployed throughout our entire relationship and I supported him. He moved in with me and I paid for him wherever we went. Weddings? I'd buy him suits, dinners out, everything. He'd sleep all day, work out from 8pm 'til midnight and then come home and disturb me. I'd have to be up by 6am, but all he wanted to do was hang out or have sex. I would beg him to leave me alone, cry, scream, and yet he'd always force himself on me. I became a walking zombie...a distant version of myself...an empty shell...almost as if I was suffering from trauma all the time. PS - I was also earning a graduate degree while working and "dating" that animal.

After two years, he started getting even more abusive than he typically was. He'd yell at me, hang up on me for no reason, and with a smile on his face tell me that my p*ssy was blown out...say things like, "I have a new girlfriend...KIDDING, KIDDING!" The thing is, he wasn't kidding. This kind of abuse was his way of driving me nuts...nuts to the point of me breaking up with him...which I did.

Two months after the breakup, I saw his facebook profile picture which include him and a girl at an ice skating rink. We were together for two years and he never put pictures of the two of us on facebook...much less his profile picture. He WAS ashamed of me...but used me for companionship, money, etc. etc.

Fast forward...I contacted the girl he was dating...told her that I am pretty sure he was dating the two of us at the same time (remember "KIDDING, KIDDING!"?). He was on the other end of the phone with her. She was pissed at him and in an effort to get her back on his side he proceeded to say, "S**** (that's me S****) meant nothing to me. S**** stinks! She has zits all over her face and dark circles and wrinkles. You (new girlfriend) bury S****."

I was a few years older than him and he'd laugh when I wouldn't get carded and he would get carded for drinks at a bar...he'd get smug look like, "haha...S**** looks old enough to not get carded for a drink. I don't look old enough"

I can't get over the things this man said nearly three years ago. I cannot move on in terms of getting over the hurtful words and nasty description of me. I feel humiliated every single day and hate myself for being all of those things...I want to crawl out of my skin because I feel disgusting, dirty, embarrassed. I MUST be all of those things he said and I don't know how to fix any of those issues above myself.

I haven't dated anyone since. In general, I am not a dater. But let me just say over the years I've compared to beautiful actresses all the time...depending on my hair coloring and style and skin coloring (summer tan versus winter pale), people have said I look like any one of these beauties:

Angelina Jolie
Jessica Alba
Heidi Klum
Eliza Dushku

I don't see it...sometimes others don't see it either. I remember my ex saying things like, "yeah...Angelina and Jessica...I don't really 'care' for them much." I never felt like I was enough for him...and unfortunately, I have no self worth today either. I am CONVINCED I will never, ever be good enough for anyone. That is a miserable way to think. If there is anyone out there who can help me rewire my thinking, please, please, please, I welcome all advice.

The bottom line about this scenario is that this man NEVER, EVER cared or respected me. I gave him so much of me and always made excuses for him...I defended his loser a$$ around people who dogged him. And he hated me to the core...hated me enough to lie to me, take from me, cheat on me, give me an sti (sexually transmitted infection) and he continually denied giving me an sti. He said I was the dirty one and I gave it to him.

I am an educated women with multiple degrees. But I cannot get these negative things out of my head. I am dysthymic (dysthymia is a low-grade depression I've had for a while) and don't have any motivation to do anything about my appearance. Heck, I sometimes don't have the motivation to brush my teeth at night :/ How far do you think I am really willing to go to do something about my face?

Have any of you been through something like this? What worked for you? I really don't know what to do. My self-esteem has been shattered...seemingly irreparable.

I know this was a lengthy description...and a lot of times, the stories can get boring if it isn't something you've experienced and/or can't empathize with.

Please, at least one person. Please help. I am reaching out to any single soul that could shed some light on a personally dismal experience.

 

[Revengineer]

Sounds like a textbook sociopath if I ever heard of one. They are masters at emotionally manipulating people into giving them exactly what they want while treating them like trash. I don't know how anyone here can "rewire your thinking" after everything he put you through, but I'll ask you one question: why does it matter one bit what this monster thinks of you? His opinion is clearly invalid in every way, as it was all a lie he invented in order to break down your self-esteem. Do you remember the person you were before you met this man? She still exists, somewhere inside you. Your job now is to find her again.

I hope you find the help you need, whether on this forum or from a professional. And remember, YOU didn't bring any of these thoughts on yourself. They are fabrications. Nothing more.

 

[mintymint]

I am CONVINCED I will never, ever be good enough for anyone. That is a miserable way to think. If there is anyone out there who can help me rewire my thinking, please, please, please, I welcome all advice.

I'm sorry. I know how that feels. I've struggled with this a lot of my life. I know it helps to fill your life with new things and new people, and to learn to recognize and shut out the toxic individuals sooner. Then eventually your past pain can be eased as it becomes eclipsed by your current life.

It sounds like that man was an awful human being. He didn't have the right to judge you, abuse you and put you down like he did. You're better than him. There's no reason that the judgments of such a horrible man of inferior character and integrity should carry any weight against a decent person like yourself. He doesn't define who you are, you do. You might not be able to think yourself out of the horrible things engrained in your head, but you can try to start acting in ways that will improve your life. Force yourself to move forward, even just in form. It's still a beginning.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Petro... your situations sounds creepily similar to my first relationship. *hugs*

I stayed with him for 5 years though. I don't know how I did it. Some of my friends told me I must've had really strong will power or something. The abuse was done pretty deep in and for awhile after I broke up with him, I thought that I would never ever be able to lead a normal life, and I was so worried that the abuse would not let me find my own happiness in the future.

Surprisingly though, after being in depression for some time, I tried talking to some friends and even sought some help from a therapist but only a few sessions. That was all I needed, because it was expensive and I think I should be able to work things out myself.

Most important thing I think is that you need a really strong goal in mind, a strong mindset and gather as much strength as you can to perservere for a better life. I don't know what special thing I did to overcome most of the abuse, the baggage I carried from that relationship, but I remember feeling so sick and tired of feeling depressed. And I felt so bad for allowing him brutalise my mental and physical being. I kinda apologised to myself and told myself that I will not let anyone hurt me in that way ever again and that I am going to turn my life around, whether anyone or anything likes it or not.

So I started to do things that I don't normally do, basically making changes into my daily routines and also stepping out of my comfort zone. I dared myself to do things I normally wouldn't. I started going out more often, initiated meetings with friends more often, spent more time with my family, even if it was to just sit with them and chat, I did things for my family and friends more, baked stuff and shared, went to the gym more, went out to watch movies with a friend more often (yes I kinda burned my money on that but oh well, it helped), tried to help people in need because that always makes me feel better, like hey, I contributed something to someone or to the community. Basically while I did all this during the day (as some people would say these are only distractions and not really resolving your issues), I basically faced my issues at night. Because I think it's important to find a balance.. you can't fix yourself ALL the time, it'll drive you nuts. Can't be all work and no play, so the daytime was to keep myself happy and content.. while the night time was for me to just wallow in pain, work stuff out mentally.

How did I do this? I went back to all the messages and conversations we've had. I made myself read all that and realise that at the time all that happened, I couldn't see what was wrong, I couldn't see what a manipulative man he was.. but now, now I do. And from there, I try to rationalise all those things that happened, and why I gave in so much and what I should have done or will do in the future if history repeats itself. I also did what my therapist asked me to do, to basically look at myself in the mirror every day and tell myself positive things about me. And keep telling myself that I am a beautiful person (because that's one of my core issues that I just cannot get over until now..... where I feel like I'm not good enough).

Besides all that, I also watched a lot of YouTube videos of Ellen, Oprah and Dr Phil (I don't know, they just inspire me to be a good person) and just kept motivating myself to be better and better.

Yes, the hurt was there for a very long time. The pain I'd feel every night when I'm alone and I think about all that.. I pretty much cried myself to sleep every night until I really just dried out of tears. Also, you need sufficient sleep hours. That is seriously important for your well-being and positive thinking. I find myself more positive and more alert with sufficient sleep then. And sleep was the one thing that makes me just forget all that when it was night time.. and by the next morning, I wake up and tell myself that the day will be a better day because I will make it so, no matter what.

I don't know, Petro, I personally think that a lot of it has got to do with the mind. Your mind is a very powerful tool in anything you do in life, seriously. I don't know what works for you, but I really really wish you all the best in your healing process. I hope you will be able to.

Also, if you ever wanna talk about it more with me, feel free to PM me. And sorry for the long post here.. it's just something I can very closely relate to, unfortunately. Well, at least you'll know that you're not alone in this. Take care, petro.

 

[onmyown1979]

Wow, sorry about everything you went through, it reminds of an old tale I heard. It goes something like 'A man finds an injured snake on the side of the road. He takes it home and takes care of it until the snake recovers, he saved the snakes life. Suddenly the snake bites the man, injecting its poison into him. The man said "I took care of you, why did you bite me?" The snake said "Well you knew I was a snake when you found me."

Again, I'm sorry about what happened to you, but if you already knew the guy had all of these bad characteristics why give him that opportunity? Don't let anyone mistreat you because you're better than that, but you have to think that for yourself because unless you do that no one else will either.

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

Petro, you're not alone in this. I'm a survivor of being in a abusive relationship and I'm still trying to heal from the wounds. It's hard for me to talk to some people right now cause I remember at one point he would talk for me. After awhile I noticed I barely talked, sat in silence and believe all the horrible things he ever said to me. The whole time I remember I was scared of him, sometimes he would demand love and affection from me and whenever I refused, he'd tell me what a horrible human being I was.

Than he would switch, act very loving and sweet. Remember once I looked into his eyes very closely and I could see how much he depended on me and how broken he was inside. It's really weird and hard to explain, it's like without you they have no need to live for. And that's a dangerous thing. Remember once he told me he couldn't even think about living without me. At the time I thought it was a very sweet comment but he always depended on me for everything. This article helped me a lot after my ex boyfriend and I finally broke up. Believe this will help you out too.

LadyForSaken, I'm sorry you went through it too. And I'm glad you got yourself out of it. =) Nobody should have to go through this.

http://www.lifeafterdatingapsycho.com/blog/2011/03/signs-you-might-be-dating-a-psychopath.html

Random question, but I remember he used to look at me and be crying. He would tell me how much he loved me. I didn't even understand why he was crying, but he told me it was because he was so happy in love with me.

Didn't notice it at the same but this was a major red flag, curious if anyone else went through this.

 

[perfanoff]

Petro, you're not alone in this. I'm a survivor of being in a abusive relationship and I'm still trying to heal from the wounds. It's hard for me to talk to some people right now cause I remember at one point he would talk for me. After awhile I noticed I barely talked, sat in silence and believe all the horrible things he ever said to me. The whole time I remember I was scared of him, sometimes he would demand love and affection from me and whenever I refused, he'd tell me what a horrible human being I was.

Than he would switch, act very loving and sweet. Remember once I looked into his eyes very closely and I could see how much he depended on me and how broken he was inside. It's really weird and hard to explain, it's like without you they have no need to live for. And that's a dangerous thing. Remember once he told me he couldn't even think about living without me. At the time I thought it was a very sweet comment but he always depended on me for everything. This article helped me a lot after my ex boyfriend and I finally broke up. Believe this will help you out too.

LadyForSaken, I'm sorry you went through it too. And I'm glad you got yourself out of it. =) Nobody should have to go through this.

http://www.lifeafterdatingapsycho.com/blog/2011/03/signs-you-might-be-dating-a-psychopath.html

This post was very interesting to read.

 

[petrovchanka]

I am so very grateful and overwhelmed by your support and encouragement!

While I was hoping for just one inspirational word, you've all given me many words...and many ideas to think about as well...from different perspectives.

You are amazing people! Love, hugs, high fives and BIG THANKS, my friends! I will continue reading each of your posts, over and over again.

---

Random question, but I remember he used to look at me and be crying. He would tell me how much he loved me. I didn't even understand why he was crying, but he told me it was because he was so happy in love with me.

Didn't notice it at the same but this was a major red flag, curious if anyone else went through this.

WallflowerGirl83, It sounds like your snake came from the same cloth as my snake. Mine wouldn't "cry" per se, but he would wax poetic about how much he loved me...and how little I loved him...and then he'd get all James Dean brooding...with dramatic eyes and movements. It's all a part of their game. It's a way they can hone their acting chops. These men DO sound like sociopaths!

---

Sounds like a textbook sociopath if I ever heard of one. They are masters at emotionally manipulating people into giving them exactly what they want while treating them like trash.

Amen, Revengineer. Amen.

---

Wow, sorry about everything you went through, it reminds of an old tale I heard. It goes something like 'A man finds an injured snake on the side of the road. He takes it home and takes care of it until the snake recovers, he saved the snakes life. Suddenly the snake bites the man, injecting its poison into him. The man said "I took care of you, why did you bite me?" The snake said "Well you knew I was a snake when you found me."

onmyown1979, thank you for this tale as it puts things into perspective clearly...there is a lot of be said about the mind doing opposite of what it knows...maybe it's not the mind so much as it is the heart, believing in good above all things. You ask a brilliant question...something to the effect of, if I read this guy from the beginning, why move forward with him? There are so many possible reasons...I've tried rationalizing every single one of them...the real and only reason might be self-worth, not having any, and all the while having so much hope and love in my heart that I was just dying to give it to someone...while asking for very little in return. Not a great way to live when you and your significant other are not on the same playing field. It's great to give love if you're with someone who cherishes it, respects it, and wants to give it back. Thank you for words!

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I am CONVINCED I will never, ever be good enough for anyone. That is a miserable way to think. If there is anyone out there who can help me rewire my thinking, please, please, please, I welcome all advice.

It sounds like that man was an awful human being. He didn't have the right to judge you, abuse you and put you down like he did. You're better than him. There's no reason that the judgments of such a horrible man of inferior character and integrity should carry any weight against a decent person like yourself. He doesn't define who you are, you do. You might not be able to think yourself out of the horrible things engrained in your head, but you can try to start acting in ways that will improve your life. Force yourself to move forward, even just in form. It's still a beginning.

Beautiful words, mintymint. Beautiful! Thank you, and I WILL start moving forward...even if just in form

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Ladyforsaken, my heart goes out to you and I tip my hat to you and your journey. It sounds like you overcame a lot and realized that it's bits and pieces of change that you can put together in making a new "whole" for yourself. You sound serene after much soul searching and boundary pushing. Thank you for your inspiration!