How can I come accross as not desperate even though I am?

[Brianna-1982]

I'm sick of being alone all the time. I haven't had any close friends in years. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I keep meeting new people and everything seems to go really well at first, but then all of the sudden they just start ignoring me or making up excuses. I try to make friends and date and this is what happens. I can't help it if I'm excited and want to spend time with them. Isn't that what people do?

Can they sense that I'm trying too hard? Am I social poison? Are people just pretending to like me long enough that they can safely escape?

Yes I'm desperate to have people in my life. Yes I want to find love. Yes I'm sick of being alone. It's been so long since I've had regular social habits I feel like a planet that got knocked out of orbit. It feels like I'm too old now, like i've lost the ability to have normal conversations with people. I'm too weird and introverted. I wonder if people think I have a mental disorder or something.

I'm sick of "trying" to make friends. I shouldn't have to try this hard. It just makes me not want to try at all.

 

[Veruca]

I'm sorry you're feeling so down Brianna. A lot of us can relate to how you feel. It sucks to be lonely and yes, there are times when you just crave human company.

Its hard to say if you do come off as desperate. People may be avoiding for reasons other than this. Maybe they are busy. Or they may not have much in common with you (if this is the case, its ok....just means we've got to find likeminded people...not everyone can click with everyone right). The most important thing is to not jump to conclusions and be too hard on ourselves. Most of the time, people are busy thinking about themselves and their stuff. We can only try to be the best version of ourselves and keep meeting people.

That said, if you do think you're coming off too eager then you just have to be mindful when around people. Try to be in the moment and be as cool as possible. It takes some work, but it can be done. Limit yourself to how much time you spend with them at first and slowly increase the time. So they won't think you're desperate and you won't feel like you're clinging onto their company either.

You're never too old, or too introverted or too anything to try and do something that will better your life. That's just insecurities and fear talking and we must overcome that. We do. So just hang in there, and keep trying. Its okay if the first 20 people you meet think you're odd etc. Consider them as practice before getting better at socializing and meeting the people who stick around.

Good luck!

 

[Tiina63]

I am sorry, too, that you are feeling so down. It is hard when we crave friends and a relationship, yet these elude us. And the more rejections and push backs we receive, the more desperate we feel inside for contact.
Veruca gives good advice here and I second it.
If you lived near me, I would like to have you as a friend. You sound really nice and interesting.

 

[Tealeaf]

New connections are always unpredictable. Without talking to someone first, there's no telling how people actually get along or how how much time and energy they're comfortable dedicating. Most of them aren't going to wind up being that great... which is disappointing, but the way it goes. The most we can ask is that people are polite in the pursuit of friendship and romance.

I think the negative sense of desperation just comes from the actions people take. An example would be someone online who argued with me when I said I didn't want to meet him at a convention... after talking to him three times over the course of two weeks. I felt like I had to have justifications for not going beyond not being able to afford it or not wanting to get that personal.

 

[9006]

It's hard to tell why these people act the way they do, but just because you're lonely doesn't mean you should accept everyone that comes into your life.

I think that if you're as desperate as you say you are then you may be letting that control how you act towards new friends, but if they're not willing to give you a change in the first place then maybe it's not as bad as you think.

 

[Brianna-1982]

Thanks for the advice people. I usually try to find something wrong with what people say, but I can't this time. You're all right.
As desperate as I've been to make new friends, I can't let my own emotions cloud my judgement. I guess these people wouldn't have made very good friends anyway. Well, eventually I'll connect with someone, I just hope it happens soon.

 

[M_also_lonely]

EXACTLY what I have been trying to say.

 

[mugiwara.no.jackie]

i'm sorry you feel that way.. i hope it gets better..

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I'm pretty sure I come off this way. It's been like that for years now... I haven't figured out how to curb it, well, I may have, but it hasn't completely set in...

I was watching some channel by some body builder guy who is actually pretty philosophical. Anyway, point being is that, he said there was an importance to spending time alone with your thoughts, and just reflect. I may not be describing exactly what he said, but it translated for me into, spending time with my self. I take the time to spend time with myself in the sense that I am some one I know, too.

Often times I'll be desperate or lonely to talk to some one. I'll go through the short list of numbers in my phone of people I can call to talk to about stuff, but lately, I avoid doing this. Instead, I go for a walk in the park or hop on the bike and just see what, 'I', have to say about things, rather than some one else.

Over time it's been absolutely amazing. I still find myself desperately calling people from time to time, and as time goes on, the people I am close to get busier and busier and have less and less time for the drama of my small little world. I suppose in a way, I'm becoming even more alone than I used to be, but at the same time, when I take time to spend with myself, I end up feeling less alone, despite this.

I also need to push myself to get out of the house and do things. What I really need to do is find a social group I can frequent on a regular basis, as for some one like me, it takes A LOT of time to become comfortable and reach a point where I and some one else can discover we have enough in common to form a relationship beyond casual talk.

What's weird for me is that, I find there is this disconnected part of me that seems completely disinterested in actually meeting new people to begin with. It's like I shut people out before I even start interacting with them. I'm not exactly sure why. I may be holding on to some part of myself that is trapped in the past and can't let go of something. Perhaps I fear that by allowing new people into my life, I'll lose some sort of sense of self, or what I feel I've lost will come to the full realization that it is lost and gone forever, and maybe I just don't want that to be completely real yet.

I might just be very afraid, too. Perhaps being so badly wounded in the past, carrying so many mental scares, perhaps I feel as though I need to make people think, 'nobody is home', so to speak. If they think nobody is home, then I won't have to let some one into my life who might hurt me, or perhaps I am afraid of hurting others, in that I am so damaged I can only bring pain...

I think what is difficult as well, for a lot of people that come here, including myself; is that the scope of our experience might just be so unique, that not a lot of people can relate. Sort of the way a foreigner might feel in a new country. There are just certain ins and outs about myself that i've acquired over the years I can't expect or feel as though nobody would ever really be able to, 'get'.

I think getting older is a perfect example of this. When you are older, the younger folks, often just won't get it, and the folks your age are often just way too busy with their lives (usually family or career)...

I do know this, though. For me, I'm not going to meet anyone on this website. I mean I can meet people here and make friends, but 20-30 years of digitial technology doesn't really match up against the millions of years of human evolution based on physical social interactions. I need to get out there, and make a routine of getting out there, because 1 or 2 tries is definitely not going to cut it. I need regularly socialize as often as I regularly exercise to make gains, or study, or eat healthy, etc...

Practice makes perfect... And when you are lonely, that's one thing, when you are alone, that's another. And when you've been lonely and alone for many years.... it's going to take some time and a lot of practice to get back into the swing of things...

^.^ Good luck...

I'm going to keep trying... If I can find the **** time >.>

 

[Niantiel]

You don't, really. That's part of the problem that we desperate people have. haha.
The older I get the more I become accepting of the passing of people, though.
Or what I mean is, you begin to accept it, and you get used to dealing with it.
And since you experience it enough, eventually you'll learn "the signs" of it.
Set up the guards, get ready for The Fall, take your shot, smoke your last cigarette, and ride the downward ride.
When you wake up, it'll sting like Hell itself spat you out of it's inferno...and over time...you heal, just before you're totally healed
It happens again.
After a while, you start looking at it more like a really messed up torturous rollercoaster ride, and stop all expectancy for other people to stay around,
but what you GAIN
is a new bittersweet appreciation for even having the passing chance meeting.
Those end up being the things that you cherish the most.