K
kcris
Guest
I'm about to graduate college in May. Last weekend, I had to give a presentation at a student colloquium--I didn't want to, I was guilted into it by a professor, who for some reason unknown even to God thinks I'm brillant. I have always been the only student who's gotten A's in his classes and all the other kids seem to think this is something special as well. The only thing is, I have absolutely no idea what I have done to make him think this. I have always procrastinated all my work, done it the night before, stressed out over it, written down whatever (expletive) comes to to mind, and yet, he gushes over it.
Anyway, I also don't think I'm much of a public speaker. I thought I did a mediocre job at this colloquium, but afterward, this professor comes up to me and says I was amazing, he'd never heard anything like it, he said I was actually holding court over all the other students and professors even. Cut to the next weekend. I have to present a different paper at a different conference. Beforehand, this professor sits next to me and asks to what I attribute my public persona, my ability to command a crowd. I made something up, and he seemed satisfied.
After that first presentation, this professor sent me an e-mail saying he was amazed by my talent, that the world was a better place because I was in it, and that he knew I was going to do something amazing with my life.
He has never hit on me, it's not like that. He has always been a very encouraging teacher, and I think he's honestly impressed by me; I just have no idea why. I don't think I'm anything special, I just write stuff down out of nowhere and teachers seem to like it, that's how it's always been. Everyone thinks I'm "the brain," but I feel like a total fraud.
I'm not fishing for praise here. I honestly don't understand why people seem to think I'm so smart. I feel like it's luck, over and over again--there's no pattern to it, I haven't learned anything, I just write down whatever and it seems to please them. They think this means I know what I'm doing and that I will continue to do brillant (expletive). But now I have this fifty page thesis due and I am f-r-e-a-k-i-n-g out because I have no idea what I'm doing. Not to mention that I have no clue what I'm going do after that--I just want to hide in my room and not do anything or put anything at risk and never take chances and never get beaten down because I couldn't live up to an expectation I never wanted in the first place. How can the world possibly be a better place because I got a few good grades at a college I didn't really care about going to in the first place? What am I supposed to do with my life that's so great? What I am supposed to do with my life at all? What if I never become the person I have already convinced people I am? How long can I keep this up before they finally see me for what I am?
What am I anyway?
Anyway, I also don't think I'm much of a public speaker. I thought I did a mediocre job at this colloquium, but afterward, this professor comes up to me and says I was amazing, he'd never heard anything like it, he said I was actually holding court over all the other students and professors even. Cut to the next weekend. I have to present a different paper at a different conference. Beforehand, this professor sits next to me and asks to what I attribute my public persona, my ability to command a crowd. I made something up, and he seemed satisfied.
After that first presentation, this professor sent me an e-mail saying he was amazed by my talent, that the world was a better place because I was in it, and that he knew I was going to do something amazing with my life.
He has never hit on me, it's not like that. He has always been a very encouraging teacher, and I think he's honestly impressed by me; I just have no idea why. I don't think I'm anything special, I just write stuff down out of nowhere and teachers seem to like it, that's how it's always been. Everyone thinks I'm "the brain," but I feel like a total fraud.
I'm not fishing for praise here. I honestly don't understand why people seem to think I'm so smart. I feel like it's luck, over and over again--there's no pattern to it, I haven't learned anything, I just write down whatever and it seems to please them. They think this means I know what I'm doing and that I will continue to do brillant (expletive). But now I have this fifty page thesis due and I am f-r-e-a-k-i-n-g out because I have no idea what I'm doing. Not to mention that I have no clue what I'm going do after that--I just want to hide in my room and not do anything or put anything at risk and never take chances and never get beaten down because I couldn't live up to an expectation I never wanted in the first place. How can the world possibly be a better place because I got a few good grades at a college I didn't really care about going to in the first place? What am I supposed to do with my life that's so great? What I am supposed to do with my life at all? What if I never become the person I have already convinced people I am? How long can I keep this up before they finally see me for what I am?
What am I anyway?