How to deal with a difficult child?

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I hope I don't throw my anonymity out the window by posting this, but I am at the end of my rope.

My sis has 5 children. 2 boys, 3 girls. One of the boys is a 6 year old "problem child." He has been diagnosed with ADHD and Bipolar, along with a possible third mood disorder. He's heard voices. He also just got suspended from his school, with a possible expulsion (this is depending on my sis's meeting with the school board on Friday), for kicking the principal and throwing something at one of the teachers.

Whenever he comes over here, it's like a train wreck. He grabs personal items that don't belong to him, and says, "Can I have this?" My sis just gives in, because she doesn't know how to set boundaries...and she's gotten upset at me for trying to set them. Hell, I'm not a parent; I haven't a clue on how to deal with kids generally, other than by acting and imitating others. But I have been trying to set a good example and try to get this kid straightened out...however, I feel like I'm ripping my hair out at the same time, because it is so frustrating.

He also has learned how to be manipulative, and is constantly trying to play me, my mom, and my sis off each other...when all three of us are trying to be adult parent figures.

Anyway, I am rambling...but does anybody have a clue on how to properly deal with a difficult kid without losing it?

 

[Lonesome Crow]

He sounds like[/align] a typical adult.lol

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

That isn't helpful.

Plus, typical adults don't take people's things and break them.

I gave him a $20 keyboard as a present. He took it home, threw it against the wall in a temper tantrum. As a result, he doesn't have access to my keyboards and guitars, although I will let his sisters play on them...well, they don't break them!

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Really?
You wanna check the stock prices on major
drugs company.?

Really?
Try explaing the USA constitution to the native
Indians....

If you have ever been in a serious relationship
Before...no matter how nice, sweet and lovely
She is....
somewhere , sometime ,somehow
Shes gonna manipulate you.
Hold you mentally and emotionally hostage.
Youll buy into it without even knowing.

And of course...
Most adults will tell people to fresia off if they are
Forced to do something againts t[/u]heir will.

---

The shool is treating him as an adult with adults consequences...

---

Treat him as an equal buman being....indtead of telling him how
messed up he is...He might co operate instead of manipulate.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I am not talking about an adult. I am talking about a 6 year old CHILD.

You clearly understand much, much less than I do about being a parent. And I don't even have any children myself.

---

Also, you understand nothing about BiPolar or ADHD!

Or mental illnesses in general. Did you miss the part where I stated that he was hearing voices?

That voice was telling him to kill his mother. That is not exactly a sane thing for a 6 year old to hear in their head!

 

[Lonesome Crow]

If he falls let him fall...

I dont say these things lightly.
Ive raised children. I have children.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Then please give advice that is helpful, rather than telling me that the problem is myself.

I am not the problem. I want to figure out how to cope with this kid. That is the advice that I need.

Everything that you've told already, I've tried. I do talk to him like a rational human being. He responds by, in turn, being irrational.

And then his mother tells me that I'm not his parent, so I don't have the right to criticize him. All right, I know I'm not the daddy, but I'm the freakin' uncle!

Maybe you're lucky, in that you've had kids that have walked the straight and narrow. This kid steals, he lies, he manipulates. He stole money from this house! He steals things at school.

Maybe the mental hospital is the best bet...but right now, we're just seeing what happens with the school.

 

[paulo]

well kids need boundaries,a clear set of rules of what is and is not allowed.
but thats something onely a parrent can enforce.
and they need to be consistend, or else its just not gonne work.
if his mother cant or doesnt know how to, than there isnt much you can do about his behaviour.
its not going to make much difference if you onely spent time with him now and than.
and even than, if his mother lets him get away with things he isnt going to listen to anyone else, cause mom says its ok.
mental problems make it a lot harder ofc.
but she needs to learn how to handle him.

a lot of problems come from parents not raising kids like they need to be reased.
im sure hes a lot more difficult than a "regular" child, but right now hes in control while his mother should be.
she needs to learn how to handle him.
he sounds pretty smart, hes going to do everything he can think of to get and do what he wants.
if his parents let him get away with it than why would he stop being a little ass
you need to get his mother in shape, not him

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Thank you, paulo! Exactly my thoughts.

My sis is not a perfect child. She is adopted, and her biological parents were abusive. She is a good person, but very troubled herself...and that tends to be reflected in her parenting.

The rest of her children are normal, though. They managed to come out of her getting pregnant at 17 and dropping out of high school, as normally as possible. It's just this child, who from the beginning has been a problem. He was a problem at 2, at 3, and now at 6.

We're trying to get some mental health agencies involved. And no disrespect to Lonesome Crow, because I'm sure he's a fine parent - but when you have a troubled child, you have to throw heaven and earth to find an answer. And sometimes there are no answers. That's what's really scary.

We will keep trying. My sis has already apologized for trumping my "authority", or whatever, when they've been around. No, I can't take over parenting...and I don't want to. I want my sis to stand up and be HIS parent, not me take over for her.

 

[Tiina63]

When your sister brings him to visit, is it prearranged or do they just come whenever they want? If it is the former, you could hide your personal items/breakables/valuables/cash so that he can't get at them.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

She calls beforehand.

We were trying to do a "kids weekend", so my mom can spend time with her grandkids. They live out in the middle of nowhere, and this was exciting to her.

However, she is having trouble dealing with him, too. And my mom is in her 60's and has health problems...so I worry about her stress levels.

The problem is when we're sleeping. We can't watch him 24/7.

 

[paulo]

well some kids are easy and some need more guidense.
it would help a lot if you your mom and your sister would all be on the same line, back each other up.
he just needs a little more work, if you all stick together hes not gonne have a choice.

dont blame the kid though.
hes just being a kid doing whatever he wants cause he wants to.
if there are no consequences than why would he stop.

he needs a clear set of rule so he knows what he can and cant do.
he`ll be a lot happier if he knows what whats expected of him.

hiding your stuff when he comes around is a bad idear, thats just avoiding the problem.

kick him out if he cant behave.
if you exclude him, put him outside evertime he misbehaves hes gonne get better really fast just cause he doesnt want to be alone when everyone is having fun together.
just make sure he cant break anything where you put him.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Good point.

I do try to include him in things, if possible. He loves games, so I brought down my game systems and played them with him.

The issue was that he would get bored if he was playing by himself. But if I was playing the game with him, he was having fun.

Even though he's troubled, he does have a sweet side. Everyone comments on it to my sis, about how he's troubled but he's sweet. I just want to help the poor kid, you know...I don't want him to end up even more troubled!

And putting him in time out is a good idea.

My mom was a child psychologist, so she is familiar with all of this. Trying to get mom and my sis on the same page is hard, though. It's like a power struggle...my sis is still rebelling.

 

[paulo]

well there you go, if he behaves tell him youre gonne play with him.
if he misbehaves tell him you wont.
actions consequenses, simple and clear so the kid understands and knows what to expect.

you do actually have to follow up on what you tell him though, not gonne work otherwise.

i dont think hes as troubled as you think, just a little out of controll at the moment.
thats not his fault.

i like kids but if theyre little asses ill just ignore them.
they seem to like me to, prob cause they know what to expect.
if they misbehave ill just walk away, they dont like that

i worked at a toy store for about 7 years, can always tell what the kids are like by looking at their mother
if they couldnt behave they got kicked out.
its easyer when theyre not yours though, you dont have to keep it up al day and night.
but thats what you get for having kids, a lot of hard work sometimes


haha, yeah its more your sister that needs work than the kid
thats hard though, sisters are stubborn

 

[Lonesome Crow]

You gotta sit down and explain to him....
He is not a bad boy or person...

Its his actions and behaviots thats is
Unhealthy or un productive.

He manipulates to aviod consequences
Or blameshufts.
Kuds are a lot smarter than you think.

If he us hyper.....stop giving soda or candy.
My daughter was super hyoer.
When i gave ger soda or candy...she wiuld bounce
Off the wall.

Just simple things to consuder.

Hiding thing might just be a gane to him....

What you do us hide his faorute toy....then laugh.
Then hell gave to oricess feelingss.....of feeling lije crap.
You dobt preach to him...give him time to process pains.

Thats hiw people kearn to be considerate of others.
Growing pairs.

At the sanetune...you take into consudertions...
He figured it out already.....
He just want you to be aduilt or out smart him.
After all youre the adult and knows better.

You must akso realuze..he is not a baby...so dont baby him.
If you treat him like an adult, hell vehave like an aduilt.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Like paulo said, kids need boundaries. They have to know when their behaviour is acceptable and unacceptable. Some kids are trickier than others. I love kids, wish I had some of my own. I had a friend who up and left her husband with her 3 kids and moved back halfway across the country. She had 2 boys and 1 girl who was the middle child. She babied her girl and as a result her little girl would not listen to her. The parent has to be the parent, they can't give in, that teaches a child nothing. It can be really hard to do, I've seen it, but if you give in then the child knows they can keep pushing and pushing and pushing until they get what they want.

Has your sister tried to get any help, some areas have programs for kids like that. Someone who can help instruct the parent in how to deal with situations when they arise, and help the child understand what behaviour is good and what is not good.

 

[EveWasFramed]

My best advice:

Group and individual therapy for BOTH mother and child.
Medication for BOTH, if needed (likely IS needed).
STRUCTURE. I cannot stress this enough.
Parenting classes for mom (they have them for parents of special needs children).
If the child isn't getting enough sleep, ask the doctor about Melatonin. Sleep is EXTREMELY important to a child like that. It is to mom as well.

A mother and child in a situation like that is VERY difficult on EVERYONE, even those around them. The mother and child tend to feed off of one anothers anxiety, anger, frustrations, etc. The mother simply cannot watch the child 24/7 and get onto him for every single thing he does wrong. She needs to choose her battles.
I know her situation is VERY difficult but please don't place "blame" on her, nor the child. Sometimes a parent can be so mentally and emotionally drained from a special needs child that, at times, they don't really care WHAT the child gets into, as long as they aren't harassing the parent and they have a moment's peace.

Dealing with a child who has these kinds of issues is the HARDEST job anyone will EVER do. It's not easy and never will be. I suggest that your sister take regular "breaks" from the child as often as she can. Keep the child BUSY as much as possible.
Above all, try to find more patience for both mother and son. They need that, more than anything.
I hope this helps.

 

[Sci-Fi]

The mother and child tend to feed off of one anothers anxiety, anger, frustrations, etc.

This is so true. A lot of mother's don't even realize it, my friend never did. She'd call me up crying while I could hear her kids in the background. She'd yell at them to be quiet because she needed me time. She'd be distraught over what to do, she'd give up which you can't do. I'd have to calm her down and tell her to go talk to her kids. You see this in stores all the time too. A kid is misbehaving and the parent gets agitated which makes the child even worse. From what I've read on child behaviour, it's even more true with kids like your sisters. I've found that kids are very receptive to the atmosphere in the home. They might not understand what is going on with mom or dad but they know if it's good or bad.

 

[Callie]

I agree with Eve.
However, I'd also like to say that when they come to YOUR house, be sure that your sister knows what boundaries YOU have. The child may not be yours, but your house and everything in it IS yours, you have the right to set rules and boundaries in that area.

As far as what you can do, there's not much that you can do. It has to be your sister's decision. I would, like Eve said, suggest therapy, but depending on how your sister is, she might not take well to that suggestion. The child is not at fault tho, not at that age. He learns by example, he does what he knows. If he's not taught how to "channel" his anger and thoughts, he will continue to keep going the way he's going.

Good luck, I hope you can get your sister to give him what he needs.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Thanks Eve.

To address some of the issues that you made, my sis does give her child melatonin at night. It is the only thing that will get him to go to sleep. She admitted to me that she usually gets about 2-3 hours of sleep per night, because she is so stressed from the 5 kids...so yeah, probably medication for her too would be helpful.

He is in therapy, seeing a psychologist. They haven't placed him on any medication that works, yet (at least, from what I understand, they're test trying meds.)

My sis might be BiPolar as well. A doctor told her that. I am not judging, I am BiPolar type 2 as well, and am on medication.

Also, Sci Fi, yeah my sis calls me up when she's stressed, and I hear the kids carrying on in the background and her yelling at them. I don't think that yelling ever helps, but then again, I don't have to deal with it every day.