AmeNoKo
Member
- Joined
- Aug 19, 2014
- Messages
- 16
- Reaction score
- 0
Over the past few months I've really overhauled my life, and I accomplished this particularly by realizing I'd compartmentalized it into addictive behaviours so that I could get through each and every day, however meaningless those same behaviours made each day.
So I smoked between 40-60 cigarattes a day, I got drunk everyday for a little more than 2 years, and I also built a consumer-addiction out of videogames, where I'd constantly be buying them and, often, hardly playing each one for more than a few hours before acquiring another.
But I stopped almost entirely all of this, and I did it rather quickly. Cigarettes I've removed in place of an E-Cigarette, and while I chuff away on the thing I'm slowly getting so that I can go 2-3 hours before pulling on it. Alcohol I went totally dry on for a few months before having a beer at a friend's wedding, and proudly can I say that I had no urge to pursue that beer with more; just one, and that was perfectly alright.
And videogames--- well, sort-of. I sold off most of my systems, and got it down to one handheld and one console. And the console has been unplugged for a month and a half--- but I'm still buying a bit too much for my handheld device. It's much better than what it was, but I know I can do better!
Anyway, as this is the Success forum I thought I'd like to say how I've managed to get a hold of everything, and maybe it will apply to you.
So I tend to think of myself as an idiot in many ways, because I'm a super romantic about most everything. I attach symbol and theme to everyday life, and this is a really ridiculous thing to do because life, of course, is not a movie. So I had whatever issues and depressions as a teenager, and I developed a very negative view of the world [which I still have, but it's under control now]. I developed into a smug teenage intellectual by reading lots of Nietzche and Marx, and likewise these philosophies eventually brought me down; that the world really is very dark, and there's nothing I can do to change it--- and, even, that the world doesn't "deserve" for me to change it.
So I became an everyday depressed guy, and what I did was begin to allign myself with things that are seen as 'grim,' as 'pensive,' and, indeed, as 'things befitting a depressed guy who'd like to be associated as being a "depressed guy."'
So I took up cigarettes, and all their grim, intelligent breathing. And I took up drinking, because it made me look 'hard' and through its contents and affects my 'agony' was understood.
And I did that for years, until I just about puddled all of my creativity by drinking so much and very nearly had a heart-attack in my mid-twenties. And I thought, This needs to stop.
For me, what did it wasn't just the fact that I couldn't be creative anymore (I've been writing fiction since a teen), and my nearing death from smoking so much wasn't that significant a persuasion either (I was a grim, dark, depressed guy, remember? This is what I'd wanted--- right?). No; what it was that, because I couldn't write anymore, and because I had to start forcing myself not to have a cigarette and actually think about things, I realized how much of a ridiculous lifestyle I'd been living. Because I was actually thinking again, not the 'thinking' of my "very somber depressed drunken self," and not the thinking of my "artistic, broody, fashionable, smoking self," but actually me, myself, was thinking, and once that happened I realized, 'Wow, I really don't want to die at 24. There's so much that I want to see still, and there's so much good stuff I've yet to discover."
And that's sort-of it, which is why I'm having a bit of trouble with my consumerism addiction. There's just so much awesome stuff out there! Just the other day I discovered 'A Night in Tunisia' by The Jazz Messangers, and in terms of videogames I only just started this super delightful series called 'Dragon Quest,' which is very fun and charming.
There's just so much great stuff! I mean, we can't fill our lives up with consumerist nonsense, and that's not even what I'm referring to. It's more like--- once I stopped trying to be this pissed-off depressed guy, I realized that all of the things that I do like, and all the things I've yet to discover I like, have a more significant impact than just entertainment. There's a personal identification with colors, and sounds, and cultures, and this identification doesn't need to be wrapped up with the established compartments of 'Artist,' or 'Emo,' or whatever. There are things we like, both positive and negative reflecting, and it is the balance between both that is so inspiring and driving for each of us to go find and take more from the world.
There's just no need to stop, is my point. I think much of depressions, or at least ones like mine where we intentionally (consciously or unconsciously) allign ourselves with negativity, is because we lose sight of the creative and expansive vision we all have as kids. We lose 'imagination,' but it's more like we lose appreciation.
And there's a lot of reasons we lose that appreciation. I'd say it's a pretty natural, if not unavoidable, step for so many of us. And in fact, many people seem to really enrich and grow once they've lost that imagination, once they've compartmentalized themselves like I've tried to do and really flourished within that confined, but stable, block of chosen existance--- but I'm not like that, and I suspect there's a good amount of folks who aren't like that either. And while we think we're rebelling against the confined by alligning with things like depression, or violence, or cross intellectualism, it's really not--- it's all the same, and the only worthwhile concern of the whole fiasco that is genre-based living is whether or not it's actually working for you in a beneficial way.
For me, that answer was a blunt "No!" So I stopped, and I was so sure to stop that I had hardly an issue with either. People say quitting cigs is impossible, but honestly I just picked up the pound of tobacco that I'd opened only a week before, went outside and threw it in the can. Same for the couple of beers I had in the fridge.
It's mind over biology, and that's a really powerful thing to recognize as achieving. And in particular, that's why I'm not going to allow myself to slip with these past behaviours, because I'm so clearly aware of how useless, how restraining, they'd actually been.
But yeah: that's my story. I've still got work to do, but even still a lot has changed. I hope this helps someone!
So I smoked between 40-60 cigarattes a day, I got drunk everyday for a little more than 2 years, and I also built a consumer-addiction out of videogames, where I'd constantly be buying them and, often, hardly playing each one for more than a few hours before acquiring another.
But I stopped almost entirely all of this, and I did it rather quickly. Cigarettes I've removed in place of an E-Cigarette, and while I chuff away on the thing I'm slowly getting so that I can go 2-3 hours before pulling on it. Alcohol I went totally dry on for a few months before having a beer at a friend's wedding, and proudly can I say that I had no urge to pursue that beer with more; just one, and that was perfectly alright.
And videogames--- well, sort-of. I sold off most of my systems, and got it down to one handheld and one console. And the console has been unplugged for a month and a half--- but I'm still buying a bit too much for my handheld device. It's much better than what it was, but I know I can do better!
Anyway, as this is the Success forum I thought I'd like to say how I've managed to get a hold of everything, and maybe it will apply to you.
So I tend to think of myself as an idiot in many ways, because I'm a super romantic about most everything. I attach symbol and theme to everyday life, and this is a really ridiculous thing to do because life, of course, is not a movie. So I had whatever issues and depressions as a teenager, and I developed a very negative view of the world [which I still have, but it's under control now]. I developed into a smug teenage intellectual by reading lots of Nietzche and Marx, and likewise these philosophies eventually brought me down; that the world really is very dark, and there's nothing I can do to change it--- and, even, that the world doesn't "deserve" for me to change it.
So I became an everyday depressed guy, and what I did was begin to allign myself with things that are seen as 'grim,' as 'pensive,' and, indeed, as 'things befitting a depressed guy who'd like to be associated as being a "depressed guy."'
So I took up cigarettes, and all their grim, intelligent breathing. And I took up drinking, because it made me look 'hard' and through its contents and affects my 'agony' was understood.
And I did that for years, until I just about puddled all of my creativity by drinking so much and very nearly had a heart-attack in my mid-twenties. And I thought, This needs to stop.
For me, what did it wasn't just the fact that I couldn't be creative anymore (I've been writing fiction since a teen), and my nearing death from smoking so much wasn't that significant a persuasion either (I was a grim, dark, depressed guy, remember? This is what I'd wanted--- right?). No; what it was that, because I couldn't write anymore, and because I had to start forcing myself not to have a cigarette and actually think about things, I realized how much of a ridiculous lifestyle I'd been living. Because I was actually thinking again, not the 'thinking' of my "very somber depressed drunken self," and not the thinking of my "artistic, broody, fashionable, smoking self," but actually me, myself, was thinking, and once that happened I realized, 'Wow, I really don't want to die at 24. There's so much that I want to see still, and there's so much good stuff I've yet to discover."
And that's sort-of it, which is why I'm having a bit of trouble with my consumerism addiction. There's just so much awesome stuff out there! Just the other day I discovered 'A Night in Tunisia' by The Jazz Messangers, and in terms of videogames I only just started this super delightful series called 'Dragon Quest,' which is very fun and charming.
There's just so much great stuff! I mean, we can't fill our lives up with consumerist nonsense, and that's not even what I'm referring to. It's more like--- once I stopped trying to be this pissed-off depressed guy, I realized that all of the things that I do like, and all the things I've yet to discover I like, have a more significant impact than just entertainment. There's a personal identification with colors, and sounds, and cultures, and this identification doesn't need to be wrapped up with the established compartments of 'Artist,' or 'Emo,' or whatever. There are things we like, both positive and negative reflecting, and it is the balance between both that is so inspiring and driving for each of us to go find and take more from the world.
There's just no need to stop, is my point. I think much of depressions, or at least ones like mine where we intentionally (consciously or unconsciously) allign ourselves with negativity, is because we lose sight of the creative and expansive vision we all have as kids. We lose 'imagination,' but it's more like we lose appreciation.
And there's a lot of reasons we lose that appreciation. I'd say it's a pretty natural, if not unavoidable, step for so many of us. And in fact, many people seem to really enrich and grow once they've lost that imagination, once they've compartmentalized themselves like I've tried to do and really flourished within that confined, but stable, block of chosen existance--- but I'm not like that, and I suspect there's a good amount of folks who aren't like that either. And while we think we're rebelling against the confined by alligning with things like depression, or violence, or cross intellectualism, it's really not--- it's all the same, and the only worthwhile concern of the whole fiasco that is genre-based living is whether or not it's actually working for you in a beneficial way.
For me, that answer was a blunt "No!" So I stopped, and I was so sure to stop that I had hardly an issue with either. People say quitting cigs is impossible, but honestly I just picked up the pound of tobacco that I'd opened only a week before, went outside and threw it in the can. Same for the couple of beers I had in the fridge.
It's mind over biology, and that's a really powerful thing to recognize as achieving. And in particular, that's why I'm not going to allow myself to slip with these past behaviours, because I'm so clearly aware of how useless, how restraining, they'd actually been.
But yeah: that's my story. I've still got work to do, but even still a lot has changed. I hope this helps someone!
