Hurting a lot after relationship

[mermaid11]

I have just come out of a year long relationship with a guy who was very selfish and quite narcissistic. He was obsessed with social media and constantly seeked validation and attention from others which became really draining on me. I felt that no matter what I did, it was never enough and I always came second best to everyone and everything else in his life. I guess the best example of this was when I had to spend 4 weeks in hospital back in March and he never once even came to see me in hospital, yet a few weeks ago didn't hesitate to help out at a charity event for a woman he constantly described as 'toxic' to me. I feel that I have lost a lot of my confidence since this relationship and I guess feel it will take a long time to heal. Has anyone got any advice or experienced something similar?

 

[Jamc88]

I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds rough but I suppose you can never know how people prioritize their lives and relationships. The way you described him it sounds like he isn't that confident himself and needs to feel other people's confirmation to know he is okay. That must hurt if you were so close to him. I don't know personally you or him but it sounds as if he is quite young and just didn't know how to emotionally be available. He might have wanted to visit you in hospital but kept putting it off because it was too difficult. He should have visited you, though, I'm not making excuses for him. It sounds like he is a bit of a social climber, not necessarily a bad person just not someone who is ready to be selfless.
Don't blame yourself though. (Robin Williams voice - "It's not your fault")
It sounds like you tried. With people like that nothing is ever enough. A lot of people seek many fairly shallow relationships with lots of people and some people only need to know a few people to be happy but they look for more depth. It sounds like you're the latter. I think its better to have deeper connections but the bad thing is that people like that get hurt more and are more sensitive. It might take a while to get back to yourself again but at least now you what personality traits not to look for. Anyone who is really into social media can't be that great when you're very close to them. People who share and share on Facebook, they kind of mean nothing after a while and their voices fade out with whatever asinine memes they're sharing

 

[BadGuy]

You deserve better...sounds like he wasn't worth of you

 

[mermaid11]

Thanks for your kind words and support Badguy and Jamc88, I guess it's true that I do deserve better. This man was 20 years older than me and 53 but kinda acted more like a teenager which made things even more difficult. I think I am realising that there are some people who are just not able to emotionally give and they are not the ones I want to persue a relationship with

 

[TheRealCallie]

Given his age and the way he treated you, it kind of sounds like you were a "trophy wife" of sorts more than an actual girlfriend. You haven't lost much and you do deserve better....seriously, who doesn't visit their damn girlfriend in the hospital????? :club:

Just don't beat yourself up over it and don't put all the blame on yourself. In time you will get over it, but don't wallow in self pity while you are waiting.

 

[beautiful loser]

....seriously, who doesn't visit their damn girlfriend in the hospital???

Uh, this guy....

[video=youtube]

I kid, I kid. Mermaid it's definitely not your fault and you're better off without this guy. And I have to agree with Callie, he probably used you as arm candy. You'll find better.

And it still amazes me how obsessed some people are to their stupid phones and social media.

 

[ABrokenMan]

The one good aspect of the advent of social media - you can now spot those who have personality disorders via their incessant addiction.

My exGF always had her phone on whenever we were together. Talk about being selfish and inconsiderate. Alone time?
She kept me hanging on & waiting at the end of an evening out, telling me to head upstairs, "I'll be right there..." - two and half hours later I angrily trudge downstairs to find her sitting on the couch, coat still on, peering into her phone in a glazed over look.
I think there was one time i took her out on a dinner date and she actually had the decency to say "I guess I'll turn my phone off".

People who are addicted to checking their social media are constantly in need of attention and valuation from others. My relationship situation was I was just never good enough for her and I found out far too late. There were several other guys involved with her, some at the same time as me that i never knew about, she was that good at lying and acting.

It was the catalyst for kicking all the toxic folks out of my life and ditching all social media for good. I don't miss Facebook or any of that junk one bit. I don't feel any better emotionally after all this time but I call the shots now.

 

[BadGuy]

Thanks for your kind words and support Badguy and Jamc88, I guess it's true that I do deserve better. This man was 20 years older than me and 53 but kinda acted more like a teenager which made things even more difficult. I think I am realising that there are some people who are just not able to emotionally give and they are not the ones I want to persue a relationship with

Some people never grow up ...no matter how old the government says they are

---

something to ponder when looking for a new significant other

We are often drawn to the life of the party however the quiet person standing aside will often treat us so much better

 

[kamya]

Did he consider you his girlfriend?

Either way that sucks. I hope you find what you're looking for next time.

 

[mermaid11]

Yep like many of you said, I guess I was a kind of 'Trophy' girlfriend, all the evidence was there when he didn't want to introduce me to anybody in his immediate family but was ok to show off to strangers...

Abrokenman, I am so sorry to read about your ex, that whole experience is something I can totally relate to-feeling like you have to compete with social media in a relationship is the worst and so disrespectful. I did the same as you and no longer use facebook, many people use it to stay in touch with others, but I think people like our ex's just use it as a platform to show off and to seek validation

 

[BeyondShy]

Has anyone got any advice or experienced something similar?

I do not have any advice nor have I experienced something similar.

The first word that came to mind after reading your post was 'congratulations.'

Congratulations on finally getting this guy out of your life. As others said you deserved better. But you already know that.

If someone can not take the time to visit you in the hospital when you were there for a month to me that says a lot. I am quite sure while you were sleeping in your bed or having your lunch he could have visited you and at the same time spent time on social media.

Throw yourself a party. Look in the mirror and smile and let out a long laugh and sigh of relief. He's out of your life. You need someone who is going to pay attention to you. Leave him to keep on checking his facebook status.

Like I said, congratulations.

 

[mermaid11]

Your words are so true BeyondShy, I think as the time goes by, I can appreciate that this guy is out of my life, I can't say that anything about the relationship was actually happy because it was based around him all the time and other people massaging his ego-which is incredibly draining. The hospital situation really was the final deal breaker for me, as someone said to me a while back, even if someone rolled over someone's pet on the road, they would check on them, but his number one priority was still to himself

 

[BadGuy]

I had two seperate similar situations regarding my health and lack of support
One was an allergic reaction to a bee sting in the face where I ended up driving myself to the hospital and being told to text and let her know whats going on
She was in bed sleeping when I came home the next morning
It really hurt to the core
I have put it behind me but will never be able to forgive

You will find someone that will show you how much of a chump your Ex was

 

[Nice But Dim Jim]

Mermaid with the level headed attitude show in your posts and having a pretty wee face, you'll have no problem doing better. As the saying goes you just need to kiss a couple of frogs before you get there, don't let a bad experience get you down.

 

[mermaid11]

BadGuy that i shocking, im o sorry you exprienced that cold hartd attitude from your x, i can totally understand how you would find it difficult to forgive. im i the same position, but its good that you could put it behind

NicebutdimJim, thanks for youre kind words and yes, you`re right, hopefully my days of kissing frogs is over

 

[Nice But Dim Jim]

I like kissing frogs, it's like licking twister ice lollies!

 

[mermaid11]

i think frogs look cut e but Im embarased to say i still havent seen a real one!

 

[Paraiyar]

Sounds like one less parasite for you to have to worry about!

 

[matt4]

Better off out then in with that sort of person, mermaid11. Don't sweat it. Someone out there for you.