I actually had permission to kill myself today.

[Unacceptance]

oh comeon... oh when will the masses learn?
thant's what you have to say?

reviews?

guys, listen to yourselves!

do you really think it's about popularity??? who got MORE COMMENTS on such a post?
i hope you don't really mean to say that that's what it is for you.
or that that's what you can see, not the fact that people cared enough to say that "someone" cares whether the guy lives or not.

(hug)
unacceptance - whatever it is that makes you say this must weigh on your soul heavily endeed. i'm sorry.

Your severe lack of not getting my humor saddens me.

 

[packyourbags]

i'm sorry. i know. i'm not funny tonight.
it's just that right now it's hard for me to laugh at some things.
(hug)

 

[DayvanCowboy]

I promised myself a while ago to never do such a thing like this because I didn't want to give people more problems than they already had.

I just needed a place to say something because I just can't open up to people anymore since I feel that the people on this site have their own things to deal with, but lately its been hard to look somewhere or for someone to talk to. Well, I mean in the way things have came down so fast on me in such a quick a time the last thing I want to do is just release to people I don't even know that well yet.

Thank you for the messages and responses though. It means a lot, but I really do feel bad to do such a thing and get you worried like this. My head was real messed up from what happened to me last night and the entire week before I made my post. Please understand that at this point in time I have nowhere to go to. I did go to counseling twice this past week, but the guy fell asleep once and didn't really give me any good insight the second time.

Yesterday was really bad. I still have that feeling inside me that makes me feel ok to just finish myself. I am deciding to finally post now since my mother is not home and my sister is asleep. Once again, sorry for all of this. Like I said, I needed somewhere to show something because I really REALLY wanted to just leave everything.

After I made this thread I trekked to the nearest motel with a lot of liquor and befriended a nice man who was staying there who was selling some nice little presents in plastic packages. He also had two 'friends' with him as well which I won't get into the details of the purpose of them being there. So i spent last night and the entire day today alone in a motel room trying to just fresia myself up as much as possible. I thought alcohol poisoning and mixing other things would have been the best way to go, but all it did was make me pass out in a very dirty washroom for 10 hours lying in my own..... The right side of my face still feels like its made out of the tiles I've been laying on in the late night to mid afternoon.

I am so sorry and thanks for the responses everyone. Slowly I will give my thanks to each and every one of you. Right now at the moment I am just not feeling right from what I have done and its kinda hard to make things sound like they are just ok. No worries though now. I hope you all are doing fine and thanks again for everything.

 

[phant0m]

Dont let anyone that tells you "to kill yourself" win. Dont give them pleasure. Live, even if its not great, its better to live.

 

[Bluey]

I did go to counseling twice this past week, but the guy fell asleep once and didn't really give me any good insight the second time.

That is disgusting mate. You seriously need to find another counselor. I hope you did not pay him for it, Not that, that is the most important thing here but still. Falling asleep. Just inexcusable.

Please understand that at this point in time I have nowhere to go to.

Of course we understand. Most of us are in the same vote here. And I know where your coming from with unloading your problems on other ppl that have there own problems. But that's kinder how this place works. The idea is that we all pull each other fro the hard times. So we hopefully are a little help when where feeling OK and you are a little help when you are OK . And Vice-versa.

You have done nothing to have to apologise for. Am just glad to see you post.

I have my own place so I don't have to check into a motel to try and fresia myself up. I can do that at home and still be left alone. I did once try and drink enough to hopefully find the bottle to end it. The plane was to do it with some rope from the Attic Joyce. Lucky for me I can't take my drink and did the same as you and ended up passing out on my spar bed in front of the Computer. I awake about 5 in the morning still fully clothed and weirs the where for it. But after I got over the hangover and felt a bit better I did seat myself down and ask myself some serious questions. It was at that point that I realized that life is not all that long. The days can be but the years or not. We all end up gone anyway. Plus its just hard work getting your self into that kinder state. It really leave you feeling riped out big time. I think I just learned to become a little moor relaxed about things and not to beat myself up to badly when I mess up. Cos we all do. Am far from perfect and don,t always treat ppl with the respect that they deserve and I take things to hart when ppl don't give me the respect that I deserve.

But now I realize that am not perfect and have faults its OK. Cos I also realize that I am normal. Well, as normal as anyone in this world is. what is normal anyway?

Its not nice when you feel unwonted by the world. Of this I know all to well. Its one, if not they most horrible feeling there is. You can only be yourself tho. You can do nothing else. We well all make mistakes and do things that we regret. This is how we learn to grow.

You don't need to thank anyone. Am sure everyone here well look at the fact that you posted as thanks enough.

Stay cool man and try and stay relaxed about stuff. Getting your self all eaten up never helped anyone, lest of all yourself.

 

[packyourbags]

Bluey - agree. on all points.
((((((((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
you're awesome!!!

 

[Naleena]

((((((((((((((((((((((((Dayvan)))))))))))))))))))))

 

[Zak]

I missed the thread and nobody told me. Glad that your attempt failed. Now you have a good memory of a time to look back in future, whenever you feel like ending everything, can look back and compare to the moment, when you got another chance to live, to make it better and that might give you hope. Like it is now for me, I look back to the time when I tried to end it all once in highschool and poison wasnt enough so I survived and now looking back at the weirdest moment of my life. I feel grateful to whoever extended my life.

**hugs** dayvan

 

[DayvanCowboy]

Thank you Naleena and Sanal. I never knew you went through that Sanal and I am sorry you had to try and do that, but I understand a little on how you felt and I am very glad you are here and back on the forum.

Sorry for bumping this thread, but I just wanted to respond another thanks.

To Bluey

I really do hope I find another one. The first time I met him I poured my heart out for 30 minutes and just got one word responses while he was resting his head on his hand with his eyes closed. Its not a real great counseling program, but I was getting real desperate to talk about things to someone face to face.

Thank you for sharing your experience though. Its something I would probably do many times to myself if I end up living alone.

Its really nice to hear you rebound back from doing what you did. Most people would not have the train of thought you did from doing such things. Thanks for that.

 

[NeverMore]

Apparently I missed several bad things happening in the past couple days happening here

REally glad to hear you didn't succeed in killing yourself

I can imagine how unbearable it was to hear people close to you tell you you should kill yourself, but their opinions are just that, opinions and **** shitty ones too.

The counseling idea is very good, it will help, just avoid the ******* who fell asleep apparently, talk about a bad profession choice for him...

Just take it one day at a time, and remember you are your own worst enemy, try to start picking out the negative things your mind is saying things like "I'm worthless" and start ignoring them, literally cuss them out if you have to, just realize that isn't really you talking

I had quite a suicidal bout last year and let me tell you, there is life after thoughts of suicide, after suicide attempts, try to stop yourself every now and then during moments of brief happiness or even brief moments of amusement or insight and remind yourself that its good that you survived to experience this moment and remind yourself that more moments are yet to come

 

[Ithought]

There are some want that to hear your laughing and know about what is going on and don’t want you to give up.
Like I do care and like I am hanging here.
Yes I cry, I am sad, yes I feel nothing to lose.
I know you are far away but we are on the same dot.
If you like you can cry with me. You can live with me, you can breath with me.
Lets through I am sure we can do that.
I hope every time when I think about you when other people think about you, you can feel warm hugs.

It is too difficult to climb Himalaya and put my body between ices or jump on the top.
So I keep going.
Dayvan I am in terrible feeling.
You show me that I am not suffering for nothing.
Show me life is worth to hang on.
Remember that WE DO CARE.

 

[lingo]

I promised myself a while ago to never do such a thing like this because I didn't want to give people more problems than they already had.

I just needed a place to say something because I just can't open up to people anymore since I feel that the people on this site have their own things to deal with, but lately its been hard to look somewhere or for someone to talk to. Well, I mean in the way things have came down so fast on me in such a quick a time the last thing I want to do is just release to people I don't even know that well yet.

Thank you for the messages and responses though. It means a lot, but I really do feel bad to do such a thing and get you worried like this. My head was real messed up from what happened to me last night and the entire week before I made my post. Please understand that at this point in time I have nowhere to go to. I did go to counseling twice this past week, but the guy fell asleep once and didn't really give me any good insight the second time.

Yesterday was really bad. I still have that feeling inside me that makes me feel ok to just finish myself. I am deciding to finally post now since my mother is not home and my sister is asleep. Once again, sorry for all of this. Like I said, I needed somewhere to show something because I really REALLY wanted to just leave everything.

After I made this thread I trekked to the nearest motel with a lot of liquor and befriended a nice man who was staying there who was selling some nice little presents in plastic packages. He also had two 'friends' with him as well which I won't get into the details of the purpose of them being there. So i spent last night and the entire day today alone in a motel room trying to just fresia myself up as much as possible. I thought alcohol poisoning and mixing other things would have been the best way to go, but all it did was make me pass out in a very dirty washroom for 10 hours lying in my own..... The right side of my face still feels like its made out of the tiles I've been laying on in the late night to mid afternoon.

I am so sorry and thanks for the responses everyone. Slowly I will give my thanks to each and every one of you. Right now at the moment I am just not feeling right from what I have done and its kinda hard to make things sound like they are just ok. No worries though now. I hope you all are doing fine and thanks again for everything.

Thx God! You are fine. No matter what, don't give up. Because bad days do not last forever and good days come. =)

 

[Nyktimos]

Dayvan, man, you are great. This place is a harbour for lost ships. It's a great place for you to be while you wait for calmer seas. The other option leads nowhere.

When you went out to that motel you connected with someone. That's how we connect with ourselves. You don't have to be anything in particular to be special, you just need to be yourself. If your family are trying to make you into something, screw 'em. You need to navigate you own way through when you are ready, not because they pressure you.

Just be you, and all other things will eventually fall into place.