HappyYogi
Well-known member
It's my birthday today. I am turning 47.
For some reason, probably self esteem reasons, I cannot celebrate my birthday. I can't ask others to "do" anything for it so I just don't. Perhaps I worry they won't come thru for me and I'll feel rejected. I don't know. For as long as I can remember I have not been comfortable with my birthday and asking others to "celebrate" it it with me even as I am willing to celebrate other's birthdays. Of course, it could be due to when I had my last family celebration I walked in happy and wanting to connect and walked out wanting to slit my wrists feeling rejected and ignored.
Anyone feel the same?
I actually WANT to be more "fun" but I can't. I AM a fun person with other celebrations. In fact, I have my own meetup group and I plan get togethers all of the time and I really enjoy bringing fun and joy into people's lives...I just can't do it for myself.
The only thing I ask for on my birthday is to feel some peace and some positive feelings. I don't ask for much. Onetime I told a sister of mine (who I don't talk to anymore) that I was happy to have a clean house on my birthday. Her reply "you don't ask for much".
I honestly would prefer for birthdays to go away and to not have any attention or expectations.
Don't get me wrong, I am OK today. I am not totally depressed. It's a sunny day and I'll probably get three calls and a nice visit with my landscaper (we are friends) but that is all I want, really. And then I want it to go away. Then I try to nurture myself in some way....buy a book I want or whatever. I think today, after all my chores, I'll try to do some sewing something creative.
I wish I could heal this but I don't know how really. Anyone feel the same?
For some reason, probably self esteem reasons, I cannot celebrate my birthday. I can't ask others to "do" anything for it so I just don't. Perhaps I worry they won't come thru for me and I'll feel rejected. I don't know. For as long as I can remember I have not been comfortable with my birthday and asking others to "celebrate" it it with me even as I am willing to celebrate other's birthdays. Of course, it could be due to when I had my last family celebration I walked in happy and wanting to connect and walked out wanting to slit my wrists feeling rejected and ignored.
Anyone feel the same?
I actually WANT to be more "fun" but I can't. I AM a fun person with other celebrations. In fact, I have my own meetup group and I plan get togethers all of the time and I really enjoy bringing fun and joy into people's lives...I just can't do it for myself.
The only thing I ask for on my birthday is to feel some peace and some positive feelings. I don't ask for much. Onetime I told a sister of mine (who I don't talk to anymore) that I was happy to have a clean house on my birthday. Her reply "you don't ask for much".
I honestly would prefer for birthdays to go away and to not have any attention or expectations.
Don't get me wrong, I am OK today. I am not totally depressed. It's a sunny day and I'll probably get three calls and a nice visit with my landscaper (we are friends) but that is all I want, really. And then I want it to go away. Then I try to nurture myself in some way....buy a book I want or whatever. I think today, after all my chores, I'll try to do some sewing something creative.
I wish I could heal this but I don't know how really. Anyone feel the same?