el Jay
Well-known member
This is sort of a continuation of my other threads here and here.
But something else that's been weighing on my mind lately is my lack of motivation for anything in life.
Some background: I live with my very old grandfather, and have for several years. Because of this, most things are provided for me, so I've focused on school and taking care of him (though I should note, he's not sick, or an invalid, or anything, he's incredibly healthy for being in his 90s).
Anyways, after my several years of being bullied ended when I began 11th grade, I was sort of in shock for the next few years, not really being sure of myself, and tricking myself into thinking I was fine, when in reality I didn't know how to deal with life when NOT constantly on guard and keeping to myself. I didn't go away to dorm at college (something I regret to this day), I stayed with my grandfather and went to a local comm. college. Even now, after returning to college (a different one) for a 4 year degree, I still live with him
But I never really cared much in college before. I didn't really try. I was (and still am) start enough to do well without much effort, but... I couldn't get excited about things. I just felt so thoroughly "meh" about everything. I didn't have the motivation to do anything, and I didn't. For so many years, I was so focused on just surviving school that I didn't have any dreams, any goals.
Even now, I still don't. Although since then, I've also had it drilled into my head that hard work is pointless. Multiple projects I've been part of, hobby- or career-based, have failed despite me devoting time and energy. My girlfriend of several years, who took up massive amounts of time and energy (and left me depressed for most of our time and still to this day, not to mention ruining my self-esteem when it comes to women). These things combined took several years of my life, and I have absolutely nothing to show for them, aside from some scribbles here and there.
This is all combined with a general lack of support from my family. My dad (who does live nearby) is lazy and self-centered with no real interest in providing support beyond the bare minimum to not be considered a deadbeat father (though he's at least been there for me my whole life, as in, physically present). My mom lives on the other side of the world, and is honestly too "realistic" instead of motherly, so she often gives me a blunt, "honest" appraisal of any plans I have, which only serves to de-motivate me by causing me to doubt why I'm even doing something. And she refuses to stop that.
My grandfather is too old and out of touch with anything in modern society to provide relevant advice. The rest of my family is too concerned with why I'm not like my perfect cousins, who knew what they wanted to do since they were 12 and got all As in college and have a wonderful social life and now are married with children and so happy and perfect.
So basically, I don't know how to dream. I have no real goals or plans. I still don't know what I want to do for a living, despite knowing my talents quite well. I don't find anything I try very interesting, and I struggle increasingly much with finding energy to do even simpler things in life.
I've wondered how to solve this, which is why I mentioned in my other topics I wanted to seek some sort of treatment (probably medication) for anxiety and/or depression. I honestly don't know what therapy can do since I went for a year and while it helped some, it didn't even begin to touch my problems (and I don't have the several years it would probably take to solve my problems via therapy to spend doing that). I'm also not in a position to move out and see if that solves things, because I don't have anyone I could room with, don't have an active job currently to pay for it (and have trouble finding jobs, not to mention full-time college), and I worry too much about my grandfather if I move out (my dad COULD take care of him,and would probably say he will if asked, but in practice he won't, because he's lazy).
Sorry for another long topic, but I'm not good at condensing stories, because I hate details being lost.
But something else that's been weighing on my mind lately is my lack of motivation for anything in life.
Some background: I live with my very old grandfather, and have for several years. Because of this, most things are provided for me, so I've focused on school and taking care of him (though I should note, he's not sick, or an invalid, or anything, he's incredibly healthy for being in his 90s).
Anyways, after my several years of being bullied ended when I began 11th grade, I was sort of in shock for the next few years, not really being sure of myself, and tricking myself into thinking I was fine, when in reality I didn't know how to deal with life when NOT constantly on guard and keeping to myself. I didn't go away to dorm at college (something I regret to this day), I stayed with my grandfather and went to a local comm. college. Even now, after returning to college (a different one) for a 4 year degree, I still live with him
But I never really cared much in college before. I didn't really try. I was (and still am) start enough to do well without much effort, but... I couldn't get excited about things. I just felt so thoroughly "meh" about everything. I didn't have the motivation to do anything, and I didn't. For so many years, I was so focused on just surviving school that I didn't have any dreams, any goals.
Even now, I still don't. Although since then, I've also had it drilled into my head that hard work is pointless. Multiple projects I've been part of, hobby- or career-based, have failed despite me devoting time and energy. My girlfriend of several years, who took up massive amounts of time and energy (and left me depressed for most of our time and still to this day, not to mention ruining my self-esteem when it comes to women). These things combined took several years of my life, and I have absolutely nothing to show for them, aside from some scribbles here and there.
This is all combined with a general lack of support from my family. My dad (who does live nearby) is lazy and self-centered with no real interest in providing support beyond the bare minimum to not be considered a deadbeat father (though he's at least been there for me my whole life, as in, physically present). My mom lives on the other side of the world, and is honestly too "realistic" instead of motherly, so she often gives me a blunt, "honest" appraisal of any plans I have, which only serves to de-motivate me by causing me to doubt why I'm even doing something. And she refuses to stop that.
My grandfather is too old and out of touch with anything in modern society to provide relevant advice. The rest of my family is too concerned with why I'm not like my perfect cousins, who knew what they wanted to do since they were 12 and got all As in college and have a wonderful social life and now are married with children and so happy and perfect.
So basically, I don't know how to dream. I have no real goals or plans. I still don't know what I want to do for a living, despite knowing my talents quite well. I don't find anything I try very interesting, and I struggle increasingly much with finding energy to do even simpler things in life.
I've wondered how to solve this, which is why I mentioned in my other topics I wanted to seek some sort of treatment (probably medication) for anxiety and/or depression. I honestly don't know what therapy can do since I went for a year and while it helped some, it didn't even begin to touch my problems (and I don't have the several years it would probably take to solve my problems via therapy to spend doing that). I'm also not in a position to move out and see if that solves things, because I don't have anyone I could room with, don't have an active job currently to pay for it (and have trouble finding jobs, not to mention full-time college), and I worry too much about my grandfather if I move out (my dad COULD take care of him,and would probably say he will if asked, but in practice he won't, because he's lazy).
Sorry for another long topic, but I'm not good at condensing stories, because I hate details being lost.