RonYells
Well-known member
tl;dr
Couldn't sleep. Coffee-fied. About twelve hours ago I bought a 20-pack cigarette. Now I'm down to two. I've been spending the whole day playing video games. Basically that's my daily routine for the past year.
I'm 23 years old, Filipino, and grew up on the metro here in my home country. I graduated college a year ago and is now still unemployed since I couldn't convince myself to look for a job. Though I am naturally introverted all my life, I didn't find it that difficult to make friends (I realized early on that people can like you as long as you know what they want). However, the more I grow up, the more knowledge I attained, and the more experiences I gained, the more convoluted my perspective on life became. While some friends suddenly became people I hardly know, some friends became people I know too well to the point of me being able to dissect their personality like some character in an imaginary movie. Either way, long-term friendship with me causes people to shun me away, or me to them. Slowly, through a couple of rare nights out with friends, I realized I've lost the ability to interact and make new friends. My people-skills have deteriorated so much that I couldn't even tell a non-awkward joke anymore. Anything I say will usually result in people either giving me the stare, or mindless shrugs followed by a sudden shift of topic. Even my friends whom I've shared long talks with, seem to be unable to relate to me anymore. Sometimes I get suspicious and paranoid for no particular reason, and at times I really just don't see the point of socializing anymore. It became pretty clear to me that it was just a matter of time before I shut out the people around me. Deviance turns to rejection turns to hate turns to depression turns to compromise turns to loneliness.
And so it came to pass, that as soon as I got my college degree, I completely shut off from everyone. I'm supposed to be doing something this past year. a novel. a screenplay. a music album. getting in to shape. changing the world. Climbing a mountain. Starting a secret business idea that will blow everyone's mind away with my money-spewing wind-blower. Whatever, I don't know, the excuse varies according to whoever asks me. I now use the word excuse blatantly since for the past few weeks I have been slowly accepting the reality of what I have been doing.
Not one of those people I know is aware that I really just don't like to be with people anymore. I know when I'm not wanted.
I'm probably just running away from growing up, but in my mind it's justified. I don't want to grow up because I don't want to live in the modern society, where media is a pseudo-religion, where intellect is not encouraged, where any unpopular opinions are easily labeled as either being negative or too weird, or where pride and selfishness hinders intellectual and societal progress, where people have no idea of the long-term implications of what they are doing. I could go on forever here, but **** me, I'm just babbling now. My point is I have chosen to completely cut myself off from society because I couldn't stand it, nor have I anymore reason to force myself, now that I've finally graduated college. I don't know where to stand and at the same time not become a person I usually hate.
Initially it has been easy living life completely alone, since I have always been comfortable with me and my thoughts. I've always been lonely, with friends or none at all. However, It creeps up on me nowadays. My coping mechanisms are starting to fail. Everything I do sometimes feel so pointless and futile. Writing is only for geniuses who can work consistently. Painting is impractical and costly. Making music alone that does not suck is only for prodigies. And film making, especially in my country, is nothing but a naive dream of frustrated idealists. I have been doing none of those things seriously this past year, though I consider those to be the paths ideal for me. The majority of my waking hours is spent either playing video games, or half-assing the things I've set myself up to do. If my inactivity and general lifelessness has something to do with me being alone, I have yet to find out.
I encountered this site on a random google spree about two months ago. I lurked for a moment and I found it interesting. I didn't want to join back then because I thought it's ironic, to identify one's self as lonely and at the same time participate in a forum. I am joining now since I have decided to become ironic. Maybe it's the only way I can overcome those maddening days and nights that zero human contact can sometimes bring. Hell, this might even be instrumental for me to finally do something with my life.
I have never participated nor have I taken interest in online forums before. I'm a forum virgin (ForGin? Noobrum?
) Thus I am a total newbie at this and I ask people to be patient if I suddenly honeysuckle myself uncontrollably like a diarrhea infected love-spawn.
I'm sorry for the really long post. I couldn't help it. The last time I've written my thoughts out was ages ago. I also apologize if some of the things I say don't make much sense, or if it takes me too long to write since English is not my natural language. I'm guessing I'm shitting myself right now without me knowing it.
well, whatever. Cheers y'all.
Couldn't sleep. Coffee-fied. About twelve hours ago I bought a 20-pack cigarette. Now I'm down to two. I've been spending the whole day playing video games. Basically that's my daily routine for the past year.
I'm 23 years old, Filipino, and grew up on the metro here in my home country. I graduated college a year ago and is now still unemployed since I couldn't convince myself to look for a job. Though I am naturally introverted all my life, I didn't find it that difficult to make friends (I realized early on that people can like you as long as you know what they want). However, the more I grow up, the more knowledge I attained, and the more experiences I gained, the more convoluted my perspective on life became. While some friends suddenly became people I hardly know, some friends became people I know too well to the point of me being able to dissect their personality like some character in an imaginary movie. Either way, long-term friendship with me causes people to shun me away, or me to them. Slowly, through a couple of rare nights out with friends, I realized I've lost the ability to interact and make new friends. My people-skills have deteriorated so much that I couldn't even tell a non-awkward joke anymore. Anything I say will usually result in people either giving me the stare, or mindless shrugs followed by a sudden shift of topic. Even my friends whom I've shared long talks with, seem to be unable to relate to me anymore. Sometimes I get suspicious and paranoid for no particular reason, and at times I really just don't see the point of socializing anymore. It became pretty clear to me that it was just a matter of time before I shut out the people around me. Deviance turns to rejection turns to hate turns to depression turns to compromise turns to loneliness.
And so it came to pass, that as soon as I got my college degree, I completely shut off from everyone. I'm supposed to be doing something this past year. a novel. a screenplay. a music album. getting in to shape. changing the world. Climbing a mountain. Starting a secret business idea that will blow everyone's mind away with my money-spewing wind-blower. Whatever, I don't know, the excuse varies according to whoever asks me. I now use the word excuse blatantly since for the past few weeks I have been slowly accepting the reality of what I have been doing.
Not one of those people I know is aware that I really just don't like to be with people anymore. I know when I'm not wanted.
I'm probably just running away from growing up, but in my mind it's justified. I don't want to grow up because I don't want to live in the modern society, where media is a pseudo-religion, where intellect is not encouraged, where any unpopular opinions are easily labeled as either being negative or too weird, or where pride and selfishness hinders intellectual and societal progress, where people have no idea of the long-term implications of what they are doing. I could go on forever here, but **** me, I'm just babbling now. My point is I have chosen to completely cut myself off from society because I couldn't stand it, nor have I anymore reason to force myself, now that I've finally graduated college. I don't know where to stand and at the same time not become a person I usually hate.
Initially it has been easy living life completely alone, since I have always been comfortable with me and my thoughts. I've always been lonely, with friends or none at all. However, It creeps up on me nowadays. My coping mechanisms are starting to fail. Everything I do sometimes feel so pointless and futile. Writing is only for geniuses who can work consistently. Painting is impractical and costly. Making music alone that does not suck is only for prodigies. And film making, especially in my country, is nothing but a naive dream of frustrated idealists. I have been doing none of those things seriously this past year, though I consider those to be the paths ideal for me. The majority of my waking hours is spent either playing video games, or half-assing the things I've set myself up to do. If my inactivity and general lifelessness has something to do with me being alone, I have yet to find out.
I encountered this site on a random google spree about two months ago. I lurked for a moment and I found it interesting. I didn't want to join back then because I thought it's ironic, to identify one's self as lonely and at the same time participate in a forum. I am joining now since I have decided to become ironic. Maybe it's the only way I can overcome those maddening days and nights that zero human contact can sometimes bring. Hell, this might even be instrumental for me to finally do something with my life.
I have never participated nor have I taken interest in online forums before. I'm a forum virgin (ForGin? Noobrum?
) Thus I am a total newbie at this and I ask people to be patient if I suddenly honeysuckle myself uncontrollably like a diarrhea infected love-spawn. I'm sorry for the really long post. I couldn't help it. The last time I've written my thoughts out was ages ago. I also apologize if some of the things I say don't make much sense, or if it takes me too long to write since English is not my natural language. I'm guessing I'm shitting myself right now without me knowing it.
well, whatever. Cheers y'all.
