I don't want to live anymore

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I haven't posted anything because my english is bad: flow of thoughts is different when you think in an other language.

I'm 30, I have no friends and I'm totally lonely. I don't sleep since 2017 and this issue had destroyed my whole life and nowadays I can barely go to work.
I feel as it's over...my mind is overloaded with negative thoughts, terrible thoughts about consequences of my actions, every second of the day, from the morning to the night.
I always awake at 2:30 am...every night. I'm so exhausted.
I think I'm depressed but neither drugs helped me.
I don't want to live anymore.
 
I haven't posted anything because my english is bad: flow of thoughts is different when you think in an other language.

I'm 30, I have no friends and I'm totally lonely. I don't sleep since 2017 and this issue had destroyed my whole life and nowadays I can barely go to work.
I feel as it's over...my mind is overloaded with negative thoughts, terrible thoughts about consequences of my actions, every second of the day, from the morning to the night.
I always awake at 2:30 am...every night. I'm so exhausted.
I think I'm depressed but neither drugs helped me.
I don't want to live anymore.

A lot of English speakers who aren't native speakers say their English is horrible. Honestly, it can't be any worse than some of the native speakers. lol Don't let that stop you from talking. We'll figure it out as we go along.

Why don't you sleep? What have to tried to help you sleep? Not sleeping can seriously mess with a person, so it's understandable that you are depressed even if it's just from that. But you have more on your plate than that.

Most of what you said was negative. Tell me some positives. What are your interests? What are you passionate about? Do you have any goals for your life? What do you do to keep busy?
 
I'm tired and I'm seriously thinking to end up this life.
The fact that you took the time to write this on this forum means that in reality you don’t really want to take that final action, it’s just that you feel like there isn’t any other worthwhile alternative, but this isn’t true. Believe me I know from many experiences in my life. You need to reach out to people you can talk to. People who are experienced in this field. Your mind isn’t thinking straight and you need refocusing. Addressing your sleep issue is paramount. There must be a cause. Find out what it is. You’re taking your first steps to get back on track, so take your time.
 
@Puffo if you suspect, even in the slightest, that there may be an 'anxiety,' component to your ruminations your thoughts, you can seek out a book called, "Hope and Help for Your Nerves," by Dr. Claire Weekes (if your English is proficient enough to read in English).

Nervous Conditions / Nervous Disorders, tend to have a component of depression in them, with possible obsessive thoughts or actions, among other things.

That may not be the case, but, perhaps worth exploring.

It's a very terrible way to feel, that you describe. In my experience, not wanting to live, is not the same as, wanting to die.

Many of us, even when life is going relatively well, are still quite afraid to live, and also afraid to die as well; we live in this sort of limbo between being too afraid to take steps towards seeking out our dreams, and also fearing the ultimate truth: that we are mortal creatures, with a finite lifespan. Maybe that is not related to the issue at hand, except that, perhaps it's a different way of looking at things: that the choice to live can be quite courageous.

So, I hope you can find some hope, some faith, and some courage.

They say: "If you are going through Hell, keep going." You've already taken one courageous step, I think.

One step at a time. Take care Puffo.
 
I haven't posted anything because my english is bad: flow of thoughts is different when you think in an other language.

I'm 30, I have no friends and I'm totally lonely. I don't sleep since 2017 and this issue had destroyed my whole life and nowadays I can barely go to work.
I feel as it's over...my mind is overloaded with negative thoughts, terrible thoughts about consequences of my actions, every second of the day, from the morning to the night.
I always awake at 2:30 am...every night. I'm so exhausted.
I think I'm depressed but neither drugs helped me.
I don't want to live anymore.
What drugs have you been prescribed? Are you working with a good therapist?
 
A lot of English speakers who aren't native speakers say their English is horrible. Honestly, it can't be any worse than some of the native speakers. lol Don't let that stop you from talking. We'll figure it out as we go along.

Why don't you sleep? What have to tried to help you sleep? Not sleeping can seriously mess with a person, so it's understandable that you are depressed even if it's just from that. But you have more on your plate than that.

Most of what you said was negative. Tell me some positives. What are your interests? What are you passionate about? Do you have any goals for your life? What do you do to keep busy?
I spent a lot of money attending several psychoterapies, with no improvements. I tried to follow the sleep hygiene protocols, I went to many medical doctors but nobody helped me.
Maybe it depends on the extreme loneliness and total lack of sociality...I don't know..


I don't have any hobbies because I can't sleep and I'm mentally and physically tired all the time.
I would have liked to do many things, finish my studies, have friends, have a satisfying job...
 
The fact that you took the time to write this on this forum means that in reality you don’t really want to take that final action, it’s just that you feel like there isn’t any other worthwhile alternative, but this isn’t true. Believe me I know from many experiences in my life. You need to reach out to people you can talk to. People who are experienced in this field. Your mind isn’t thinking straight and you need refocusing. Addressing your sleep issue is paramount. There must be a cause. Find out what it is. You’re taking your first steps to get back on track, so take your time.
But each time it seemed like we couldn't get to the heart of the problem and there was no improvement.
I wish I had someone to talk to but psychotherapy costs a lot and there is no guarantee of solving the problem.
 
@Puffo if you suspect, even in the slightest, that there may be an 'anxiety,' component to your ruminations your thoughts, you can seek out a book called, "Hope and Help for Your Nerves," by Dr. Claire Weekes (if your English is proficient enough to read in English).

Nervous Conditions / Nervous Disorders, tend to have a component of depression in them, with possible obsessive thoughts or actions, among other things.

That may not be the case, but, perhaps worth exploring.

It's a very terrible way to feel, that you describe. In my experience, not wanting to live, is not the same as, wanting to die.

Many of us, even when life is going relatively well, are still quite afraid to live, and also afraid to die as well; we live in this sort of limbo between being too afraid to take steps towards seeking out our dreams, and also fearing the ultimate truth: that we are mortal creatures, with a finite lifespan. Maybe that is not related to the issue at hand, except that, perhaps it's a different way of looking at things: that the choice to live can be quite courageous.

So, I hope you can find some hope, some faith, and some courage.

They say: "If you are going through Hell, keep going." You've already taken one courageous step, I think.

One step at a time. Take care Puffo.
I think I'll get the book, try this one too.
The feeling I have is that I am not fit to live, everything is difficult for me, even those things that are extremely natural for other human beings. It scares me a lot to have to continue living like this for many more years.
I exist without any purpose.
 
I tried ssri, snri and benzodiazepines years ago. But I had a lot of side effects and now I don't take anything.
The side effects are awful indeed. I also quit because of them. My psychiatrist didn't seem to understand that the side effects were worse than my symptoms. She kept telling me that it takes a few months for my body to get adapted to them. It was an impossible task.

You should try therapy again. I've also read some studies that Ashwagandha and Lion's Mane are very useful in treating depression.
 
I spent a lot of money attending several psychoterapies, with no improvements. I tried to follow the sleep hygiene protocols, I went to many medical doctors but nobody helped me.
Maybe it depends on the extreme loneliness and total lack of sociality...I don't know..


I don't have any hobbies because I can't sleep and I'm mentally and physically tired all the time.
I would have liked to do many things, finish my studies, have friends, have a satisfying job...

Have you tried any althernative methods or supplements? I'm not saying they are going to work, but might be worth looking into. I suppose the real question is...why are you having problem sleeping? Is it because of the depression or is it something else. Have you ever done a sleep study? I don't know what they offer in Europe, so I'm only going by what I know in America.

I get that it's hard to stay focused when you're exhausted (mentally and physically), but it might be worth giving it a try. Keeping yourself busy could help if you are overthinking negative things. Do you exercise? That might also help you sleep.

Okay, you have some goals for yourself, that's great. Now you just have to find a way to accomplish them. Don't give up on them, keep trying. I know it's hard, but it is possible.

You say you've tried several therapies....was it with the same person? I can tell you from experience that once size does not fit all in that department. You have to find a person who works for you, who makes you feel comfortable and helps you. My son has been through roughly 12 therapists. Most didn't help him at all. One was very good for him, but she moved. After that, he found his perfect therapist, but then he got promoted and moved. Again, I don't know how it is with that over in Europe, but I believe it's harder over there to get a new one.
 
I think I'll get the book, try this one too.
The feeling I have is that I am not fit to live, everything is difficult for me, even those things that are extremely natural for other human beings. It scares me a lot to have to continue living like this for many more years.
I exist without any purpose.

You say "I exist without any purpose." Many people do, and then wonder why they struggle so much with life, feeling depressed and hopeless.

Although my Christian perspective is usually rejected by people here, I none the less feel compelled to share it when the need arises. So, here's my effort to give some helpful advice.

I can't know what chemical imbalance or physiological problems you have that might benefit from medical treatment, but I do believe that one's mental and emotional condition is determined by their spiritual condition.

With all that you've tried, I wonder if you've turned to God on the matter, understanding that you're a valuable, special creation of His, and that your relationship with him IS your purpose in life. Getting that right offers peace and hope to one's life, which in turn often yields beneficial life changing impacts.
 
In response to Joseph's suggestion of Christianity, it should be noted that a Christian committed suicide. She was a member of the Jimmy Swaggert Christian Crusade back during the 1980s, during which it happened. So even devout Christians commit suicide.

I even know somebody personally here in my city who almost committed suicide because of Christianity. It was because of the scripture that states that newborn babies who die at birth go straight to Heaven (Paradise). This gave the idea to my friend that those babies were supremely LUCKY because their premature death enabled them to go to Paradise without suffering at all. Obviously, that's why my friend concluded that it's better to die early, which, in turn, made him consider suicide.

That's why I practice Buddhism. At the same time, Christians also do charity work, so I acknowledge that their religion can be good. But due to the suicidal aspects of Christianity, I also need Buddhism which emphasizes mastering our emotions.
 
In response to Joseph's suggestion of Christianity, it should be noted that a Christian committed suicide. She was a member of the Jimmy Swaggert Christian Crusade back during the 1980s, during which it happened. So even devout Christians commit suicide.

I even know somebody personally here in my city who almost committed suicide because of Christianity. It was because of the scripture that states that newborn babies who die at birth go straight to Heaven (Paradise). This gave the idea to my friend that those babies were supremely LUCKY because their premature death enabled them to go to Paradise without suffering at all. Obviously, that's why my friend concluded that it's better to die early, which, in turn, made him consider suicide.

That's why I practice Buddhism. At the same time, Christians also do charity work, so I acknowledge that their religion can be good. But due to the suicidal aspects of Christianity, I also need Buddhism which emphasizes mastering our emotions.
How is that even helpful? Who cares if you don't believe as Joseph believes, this is unnecessary and unhelpful.
 
How is that even helpful? Who cares if you don't believe as Joseph believes, this is unnecessary and unhelpful.
Of course I was helpful. Because I was preventing suicide. That's why I mentioned my friend who became suicidal as a result of that particular scripture.
So it was basically a word of caution to the OP. Didn't you read my point about the scripture that made my friend almost attempt suicide? Don't you even care about that suicidal risk?
 
Of course I was helpful. Because I was preventing suicide. That's why I mentioned my friend who became suicidal as a result of that particular scripture.
So it was basically a word of caution to the OP. Didn't you read my point about the scripture that made my friend almost attempt suicide? Don't you even care about that suicidal risk?
no. it doesn't sound helpful at all the way you put it. and don't think buddhism isn't without its flaws. you should learn to be more tactful with your use of words.
 
No side disputes please, as they do not pertain to the delicate subject at hand.

If you have some helpful advice, offer it up gracefully, gently, and with sincerity.

So, let's leave it at that, and get back on topic, please. Myself included.
 
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Have you tried any althernative methods or supplements? I'm not saying they are going to work, but might be worth looking into. I suppose the real question is...why are you having problem sleeping? Is it because of the depression or is it something else. Have you ever done a sleep study? I don't know what they offer in Europe, so I'm only going by what I know in America.

I get that it's hard to stay focused when you're exhausted (mentally and physically), but it might be worth giving it a try. Keeping yourself busy could help if you are overthinking negative things. Do you exercise? That might also help you sleep.

Okay, you have some goals for yourself, that's great. Now you just have to find a way to accomplish them. Don't give up on them, keep trying. I know it's hard, but it is possible.

You say you've tried several therapies....was it with the same person? I can tell you from experience that once size does not fit all in that department. You have to find a person who works for you, who makes you feel comfortable and helps you. My son has been through roughly 12 therapists. Most didn't help him at all. One was very good for him, but she moved. After that, he found his perfect therapist, but then he got promoted and moved. Again, I don't know how it is with that over in Europe, but I believe it's harder over there to get a new one.
Overthinking, I suppose.
I did the sleep analysis and my doctor told me that the analysis went well.
It happens to me very often that I feel mentally tired during the day, to the point of having difficulty speaking and thinking properly.
This lowers my self-esteem a lot.

What alternative methods are you talking about?
 

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