Basically, and I hate admitting to this because it is such an ugly personality trait, I hate the feeling of not being the "best" friend. To anyone. And because of that, I avoid friendships.
I've never been the person someone knew the longest, loved the most, talked to first etc. I've always wanted that closeness - probably even gave out needy signals, I'm sure people sense it, and it repels them.
It's a little inner voice, if I ever think about talking to someone. It says "What for? What is the point? She already has friends, loads of them, and probably a huge amount of really close ones, you'll never be her best friend. Or the one she'll want to turn to above others. So why bother?"
But why does that matter? Why can't I settle for just being "a" friend to anyone?
But do you know the worst part? If there was someone out there who had an opening for a new best friend, I'd wonder why. I'd wonder what was wrong with them that meant they didn't have someone already. Even though that's the situation I'm in. And I'd never bother getting to know them, because of that.
Holy hell I am an awful awful person. I think I just am not good enough to inflict on other people. Please don't have a go at me about this, I don't need criticism, and quite frankly can't handle it. I'm curious whether anyone can relate.
I've never been the person someone knew the longest, loved the most, talked to first etc. I've always wanted that closeness - probably even gave out needy signals, I'm sure people sense it, and it repels them.
It's a little inner voice, if I ever think about talking to someone. It says "What for? What is the point? She already has friends, loads of them, and probably a huge amount of really close ones, you'll never be her best friend. Or the one she'll want to turn to above others. So why bother?"
But why does that matter? Why can't I settle for just being "a" friend to anyone?
But do you know the worst part? If there was someone out there who had an opening for a new best friend, I'd wonder why. I'd wonder what was wrong with them that meant they didn't have someone already. Even though that's the situation I'm in. And I'd never bother getting to know them, because of that.
Holy hell I am an awful awful person. I think I just am not good enough to inflict on other people. Please don't have a go at me about this, I don't need criticism, and quite frankly can't handle it. I'm curious whether anyone can relate.