I lack of social skills, so lonely...

[LifeStyle]

Hi, I'm new here
I'm so happy I found this website that can share our experience about lonely life. I'm one of them. I'm still so lonely in school.

I'm 16 years old boy, in the road of my life, I had tough and find many "solution" to get rid of lonely, but I have tried many times, I dont know why I still lonely. Here's my story. (skip to my question if my story was boring haha..)

Start in primary school (Age 7-12)
At primary school, I was always bullied by my friends, because I'm too good to be get bullied, but my personality was sooooo kind at that time, I dont bother and I still be good to them even they bully me. So that's it, until graduated.
At that time, I was also like a girl, shy, scare to talk. When my friend (boy) talk to me, I just talk to them a few words, few conversation, then I had enough, because my mind just thinking want the last conversation must not make them angry or something else, must happy, give them good image of me. Then I will feel happy and keep thinking of it "Oh, we having good conversation, now he might dont bully me and start be best friend now" , and forever I dont start to talk to him because I scare the continue conversation can hurt him , I though just this few conversation can make our friendship long last forever. But it's all wrong, they still bully me.

Start in secondary school (Age 13-18)
At secondary school, my mind start to change,my personality also, I dare to scold bad people, I forget all about my bad friend, maybe I start to mature. But the 1st year, I just do those stupid things to make friends, now in image of my new friends was always stupid, but this time my conversation to friends improved, I keep continue to have a conversation to them, everyday. But its always stupid and nonsense conversation. Where ever I met them, they dont like to talk to me because I lack of social skills. Whatever topic I talk, its like childish to them ; when they met me, they dont know what to talk to me, just stupid topic, nonsense topic.
And because of this, I have no friend, til now. They only find me when their friends not around! You know what I mean?? When their friends is here, he just left me, alone!
Another things about me, this is true fact, please dont think I show off, or whatever, please just finish reading. Start at secondary school, I found that many girls just always look at me, I was so weird, then I found out they like me. Yes, they LOVE me, because my look was handsome... And I haven't so mature yet, I always think I'm like a boss, many girls likes me. But I always having nonsense ,stupid conversation with girls, sometimes to boys, because of this, those girls start to leaving me, and boy neither. I was so hurt. Because of this, this things give me fobia, when ever I met a girl, my mind just thinking she will like me, anytime... always... this things affected my life, affected my personality, everything, and that's people just called me stupid. This thing make me un-normal, make me look really stupid.
And I was thinking now, do my outside match my inside? Means do my look match my personality? I always think what does handsome guy do, what are their personality... This is truth..please dont laugh or ignore me... because this affected me, I want to solve this :'(

3 years already, I tried my best to me mature, talk mature topic, stop doing stupid things. But still failed.. my friend still away from me. I was so down, upset , keep thinking why I'm so alone. They still say bad things to me..

Maybe this cause because of I step the wrong step at the first time, I really wish I could go back and start again. But it's too late, whatever I am, in the image of them, its always stupid.

So my question is,
1.How do I get mature faster?
2.How to have mature, good social skills?
3.How to let my friend know, I've changed? Let the image of me inside them changed. So that I could start over again.
4.How to make my outside look match my inside personality?
5.How to control my mind myself? Stop thinking girls like me, be normal person.
6.How to be brave? not to shy?

Thanks for reading, I really need help, I cant do it myself. I need supporter ^^

 

[ThisSideOfTheRainbow]

You know what? You sound like a smart young kid. Don't beat yourself up too much.

Here, if you got the time, listen to this guy.

https://dl.dropbox.com/u/30552042/The Secrets To Manifesting Your Destiny.zip

He can explain it much better than I can. If I had heard of this guy and applied that psychology at your age, it would've probably changed my entire life back then. Truth is truth, and this guy speaks it.

Good luck mate And welcome to the forums.

 

[LifeStyle]

Sorry if I sound like a young smart kid, but please, I really didn't mean to.. this is my story, what I met, what I face..
But anyway thanks for your reply and information, I will take time listen.

 

[nik8455]

Man, I really had the impression that it was me talking while I was reading this post ! I have("had") a pretty similar situation.

I'll briefly explain some stuff about me so you can see that I know what you're feeling

I'm 18 now. I also had to deal with brief emotional bullying at the same age as you (7-12). I also am shy, have esteem issues, etc.. Me too, I thought that acting 'stupid' in front of people and make them laugh will make me more socially accepted. Worked for a while, then you start growing up and seeing yourself more and more in the 3rd person and realising this is not the way you want people to see you ! But that's the way they know you and you're right, each time you try to show a 'change' in your personality so they can see you're actually worth something, you end up saying/doing things that put people off and brings you down a little more.

Also like you, while growing up, I noticed that some girls liked my looks a little more than average teens, and I was happy because it made things easier for me. The beginning of high school years was ok concerning girls - in the sense you don't have to try too hard since these girls are mainly young, naive and "discovering". Then I got older, had a serious girlfriend which came with a lot of problems and my perception of girls changed. I became friends with a lot of girls but each time ended up extremely friend-zoned and as the third wheel. I had many situations where I would make a guy-friend and a girl-friend of mine meet and they ended up sleeping together - I hated this feeling.

Now i'll try to answer some of your questions... but I have to tell you first that bro, you're only 16! Even though two years seem pretty short, the way I was thinking when I was 16 is SO different to the way i'm thinking now (18) and they way i'll think in a year from one will also be somehow different. Your mind is 'modelling' itself a lot throughout these years.

When you change the way you look at things and the things you look at change. So don't get too concerned/paranoid/anxious about your situation right now, because most things get together by themselves over time. In other words, 5 years from now you'll realise that everything turned out not the way you thought when you were young concerning yourself, friends/people, relationships etc.. of course, it could be in a bad or good way.

How do I get mature faster?​

Do not try to 'mature faster'. Do not 'force' your growing up. You'll end up like me - feeling 'used-up', anxious and less enthusiastic about taking part in things that most people of my age do. Let things flow naturally. If you try too hard to get recognition, it will have the reverse effect. Maturity has it's own rate and you need to respect that.

How to have mature, good social skills?​

People attract people. The more people you meet, the easier it gets to meet people, and eventually it will become a natural habit. Try to talk and give off positive vibes to everyone. Try to be friendly with everyone even though you know you'll probably never see them again like when you go to events, shops, bars/clubs, cinemas etc.. overtime you will feel more and more comfortable and less anxious about going to places or meeting new people. Eventually, your social skills will improve, you'll realise that you get more positive feedback in social situations then before and you'll be proud of yourself!

How to let my friend know, I've changed? Let the image of me inside them changed. So that I could start over again.​

Don't be too concerned about what they think and what you should do to get recognition from them. Most people don't care as much about you as you think.

I'm far from knowing enough to judge your relationship with friends, but reading your post I couldn't feel a real bond between you and your friends. What is it all really about? Are they taking advantage of you? Do you get up being the third wheel a lot? Do you feel like they only call you when their main plans got cancelled and they couldn't find anything else to do?

I reckon you should filter your friends, i'm sure you have some real friends you appreciate and that appreciate you in return. Don't forget real friends are rare, it could be only two, three or even one person ! Talk to them about your problems and if they're real friends they'll understand and try to help you.

How to make my outside look match my inside personality?​

Look doesn't match personality. I'm sure you already thought to yourself, "How do these average looking guys get so much feedback from good-looking girls and make it seem so easy?" It's the talk - you could be a fit, great looking guy - but if you don't know how to talk to girls, you probably won't get much of them.

I'm sure you already met someone and assumed he is a certain way, but when you get to know them you get surprised and realise he is nothing like you thought!

My point is you can't really match your personality to your looks. You look the way you look and you think the way you think, which makes you who you are!

How to control my mind myself? Stop thinking girls like me, be normal person.​

Considering the way you are and your personality, it is a bit selfish to just assume that every girl you meet likes you. If you meet a girl and act as if she already likes you it will probably put her off, make her lose interest in you and leaving her thinking you're some sort of egoist.

When you meet a girl do your best so she sees that you are interested in her. Talk a minimum about yourself and be enthusiastic about getting to know her. Don't over-act obviously, you don't want to seem like a psycho!

How to be brave? not to shy?​

This probably relates to self-confidence, self-esteem, etc.. there is thousands of articles on this on the internet and I don't know enough about what happened in your life to help you.

Hope that helped!

 

[LifeStyle]

Man, can't believe finally someone could help me out! I though no one face similar situation like me and I though no hope to get helped. I must thank you! You gave me more confident. Your situation was similar as mine. I will try my best to do with your given advise
I must let things flow naturally, I look the way I look and I think the way I think, this is who I am. ^^
Thank you!

 

[kindster]

YOU ARE BEING all NORMAL AND PROBABLY twice as much NORMAL than idiots who bullied you! You will figure this out soon as you grow!
.I've also wanted to get mature faster when i was 15-16 years old and than i got mature at age 17 when i least expected it and i am 18 now . About social skills ? Start reading books and try to hang more with people and try to learn something about assertive communication it helps alot. Try to pick one of your friends who is down to earth the most and invite him to your home on a coffe or a drink or to play pes, fifa etc try to show them your real nature NEVER GOSIP!Looks and personality?? You will know best how do you want to look like. Brave not shy.. You mean you want to be more confident ? You can try going to the local gym, try some martial arts, get more clothes, find a gf/bf, get better in school. There are plenty of stuff to boost your confidence google it!

 

[Rosebolt]

The obvious pattern here is that you are very busy in your mind trying to keep your image up on other people. You figured that out already. Anyway, if you want to develop a personality, something will happen when you only look at others. You'll become a copycat, you personality will be as close as you can handle to whoever you want to be like. You're developing yourself, but not your personality, you are actually disintegrating your personality.

Now about your questions,

How do i get mature faster?

I'm not so sure about this one, i'd say it will come with time, if you bother too much about it you may or may not end up halting the process. Trying to develop your own personality, improving your self confidence in the process, and just living your life, seems like a very mature concept to me.

How to have mature, good social skills?

Once again, i'm quite sure if mature social skills are actually a thing, rather, developing good social skills could be considered a part of maturing. So how to develop good social skills? How do you get better at firing a gun? Exactly, you practise. It's the same with social skills, of course, there are some guidelines you could follow. The ones i'd give would be to just be yourself, develop your own personality, if you're being yourself, minding your own business, which is quite mature in my eyes, you build confidence, and confidence and social skills are pretty closely linked. How do i talk to that girl? How do come across to that guy? All parts of insecurity. Of course, confidence isn't everything, but reading your story, you have plenty of social interactions, plenty of time to develop, but you won't develop if you keep worrying about the image that others have of you.

How to let my friend know, I've changed? Let the image of me inside them changed. So that I could start over again.

You can't change it just like that, it all comes down to developing your personality, if you really are yourself around said friend, he will notice that. Over time he will see how you've changed and react accordingly. Actually telling him you changed is more likely to backfire, it's kind of like saying that a new president is going to do any good, no one is going to believe that.

How to make my outside look match my inside personality?

I think it already does, however, your personality is simply too much focussed on what other people want you to be. You are you, and no one else, and you are the best at being you. If you'd try your very best, you might be the best copycat, but it's easier being the best you, the best individual. What your friends say you should be doesn't matter. What your teachers say you should become doesn't matter. What your parents say you should be doesn't matter. All that matters, is you, your person, your soul, it's so valuable, more than anything materialistic this world can throw at you. Focus on you, and by doing so you will help people around you. You will be an example, you will kind of show an aura, so to speak, people will notice. But none of this will happen if you aren't for 100% yourself!

How to control my mind myself? Stop thinking girls like me, be normal person.

Your mind focusses on something, realise that your mind puts a focus on certain things, and you can move that focus. Simply telling yourself, i want to think this or that or want the act this or that won't do all that much, believe me, i've tried. Moving the focus of your mind to something else, or prefferably, to several other things, can be quite hard, but it's rewarding.

How to be brave? not to shy?

You are already brave. It's inside of you, bravery is something everyone has, deep inside of them. And so do you, so do you especially. But how to access it? How to reach this far away concept? It will surface by itself, if you are confident, if you believe in yourself, concepts like bravery will be included in that. If you believe in yourself, believe you can do something, you will do that thing, no matter what. Call it courage, call it bravery, call it zeal, call it whatever you like. I tend to call it an achievement.

So to summarise, my advice is pretty clear i guess, focus on yourself, develop your true self, let it come out of its shell. If you find yourself, if you believe in yourself, if you are confident that as long as you follow your dreams, your beliefs, and your morals, you will be able to do anything. ANYTHING.

Good luck, message me if you need help on something specific, i will do my best to help.