I met someone special.... yay .... : /

[IVIZ]

I'll try to keep this short, not really in the mood to type my thoughts down. Just thought this was a good moment that I should share for feedback. Why because there is something deeply wrong with me.

Well, I went to a dance like get together last night. I was on my own, a lot of good looking girls to dance with and just hang with. I was just trying to fit in with everyone and would try to dance with the crowd. Well eventually someone pokes me, I look behind and its someone who is pleasently happy to dance with me. We start talking, I find out that I look similar to an ex she used to be with a long time ago. (And I thought it was my good looks, hhmmm) Well, were having fun and we then move on outside where we can get some air. I really liked her, not because she was just another pretty face, but because she was somehow special and different. I can't describe why she was special, but she wasn't your common girl you meet at a party or get together. Anyways during all this everything seemed to be in autoplay, like I was dreaming and just went with the flow of how things would turn out. We get to know each other better, why because she insisted that I ask whatever I want about her. Well, I asked the typical questions and then move up to the akward "How come Me" questions. To me she seemed like someone filled with life and fun, I have no place with a person like that, its just that I always seem to put on a mask around people that I am an interesting and fun person, but in time I confess to them that I'm someone who will only drag their fun time down. She then tells me that I need to be more confident, I admited to her that yeah I lack a lot of confidence. Well, we both knew where this attraction for each other would lead us to, so I just made my move on her. But as we kissed, I felt NOTHING at all, just liplocking, passionate, run of the mill, french kissing. But I felt nothing during or after, it seemed that the only "drive" that I had to keep going with it was that I wanted her to feel good about it, I had a desire to make her happy. But still I was desensitised about the whole thing. This unsurprisingly reminded me that thats how I felt with my ex's. I never felt anything for them, pretty much it was just a sexual attraction, but not really anything close to "love". Ok, back on track, I decided to take her to see a movie. I had no intentions on exceding our moment together that night, no more than an innocent hookup. Like I said, this girl is special, but I really knew this was just a "you like me, I like you" thing just for that night. But I wanted to understand and pursue my own selfish question as to "why don't I feel anything?????". I didn't want to lead her on to someone that I knew was doomed to fail, but selfishly I guess I tried to "smuther" her, not to draw her away from me, but to see if anything inside me sparks. I remember I hated how my past relationships, it was always my fault that it ending with me being the problem, that I never had any feeling and didn't have any normal compassion for them. Well, I held on to her arm almost all night long!!! She seemed to like this alot, but I knew it would be akward, still I wanted to show that I cared for her, but in another way I wanted to feel something for her as my arm was always on her lap held tight by her hands (even while driving lol) Ok, later while watching the movie I would kiss her neck, she would lay her head on my shoulder. We seemed to look like a couple that had been together for months now. Before taking her home, we went at it (she seemed to be all for it and couldn't get enough of me). But I kept my bounderies and she didn't push anything. I take her home, give her a goodnight kiss. But we both sorta new it was just a "boyfriend girlfriend" for a night experience, we were both adults and knew that things need to be taken slowly to do it right. But unto this time, it all seemed like a dream to me, nothing felt real, nothing seemed to be true. I mean I have pictures on my cellphone of her and me, but even looking at them, it feels like thats not me and who is that? I don't think I'm in touch with reality and feeling at all. No wonder I don't work with relationships. I feel like a monster

There was a lot more that happened that I left out, just didn't feel like adding it. But thanks for reading, love to hear from feedback, I've been learning alot about what others think, as if my perception of life is out of touch or out of whack. I need to wake up!!!

 

[Badjedidude]

To be honest, I only skimmed your post, IVIZ. For readability's sake, in the future you might deign to hit that RETURN button a few times and split that wall of text into some paragraphs.

From what I gathered, you seem to feel disconnected from what you were experiencing.. is that right?

 

[Luna]

You are no monster...you care enough to ask "Why?".
I think, instead of testing others to help you understand yourself and your emotions, it may be best to do so on your own so that no one is hurt or mislead in the process.

 

[IVIZ]

To be honest, I only skimmed your post, IVIZ. For readability's sake, in the future you might deign to hit that RETURN button a few times and split that wall of text into some paragraphs.

Hey that novel material right there lol!




But yeah I'm pretty much disconnected, I guess??? Well I never asked another guy. Do you feel anything at all when kissing or being close with someone else?

I think my past sexual behavior way of thinking has probly killed or desensitised my love emotions. Feel more like a zombie than a monster, a monsters tends to hurt people.

 

[Badjedidude]

It depends on the person, for me. I think that despite your emotional chemistry with the girl, you simply didn't have physical chemistry.

I've kissed and messed around with girls in the past and a few times I've felt that same feeling of disconnected-ness. I don't think it's abnormal, I think it's simply that it's because I wasn't really physically excited by the girl, as harsh as it is to say that. And this has happened with some quite pretty girls, too... but for some reason they just didn't do it for me. *shrug*

I mean, everything... uhhh... worked, for lack of a better term. I was able to perform to their expectations and I did my best to please them, but for some reason I just didn't feel that spark. Needless to say, those particular dalliances never went on long.

But I've also been with a few women who really almost literally blew my breathe away. And I mean heart-pounding itself out of my chest, breathing heavily, even shaking in excitement a bit, unable to think clearly...nervous as hell... And the women that have done that to me haven't always been super pretty types... it just comes down to physical chemistry and what my body reacts to, and it's completely outside of the influence of my brain.

Wow... was this post too graphic and revealing? lulz

I don't think you're a monster. I think you just haven't been around the block enough to find a woman that physically excites your body, no matter what your brain has to say about things.

So just keep looking. You'll find someone who gives you that intense rush!

 

[QuietGuy]

there is something deeply wrong with me.

No, there isn't.

during all this everything seemed to be in autoplay, like I was dreaming and just went with the flow of how things would turn out.

I know exactly what you mean.

I always seem to put on a mask around people that I am an interesting and fun person, but in time I confess to them that I'm someone who will only drag their fun time down. She then tells me that I need to be more confident, I admited to her that yeah I lack a lot of confidence.

Well done for having the courage to take your mask off in front of her. It would've been much easier to keep it on, pretending that you're something you're not. A mask can be useful, but sooner or later you'll have to take it off, if you're with someone you really care about. Just make sure you don't go too far the other way, and get all melodramatic about how you'll "drag their fun time down". There's a happy balance of honesty in-between.

But as we kissed, I felt NOTHING at all, just liplocking, passionate, run of the mill, french kissing. But I felt nothing during or after [...] I was desensitised about the whole thing.

Even with my very limited experience of such things, I know exactly what you mean. Kissing by itself has no chemistry, no magic spark. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the fire that ignites a kiss is the love that motivates it.

I wanted to understand and pursue my own selfish question as to "why don't I feel anything?????"

Well it may have been a little selfish, but I completely understand your motive.

But I kept my bounderies and she didn't push anything. I take her home, give her a goodnight kiss. But we both sorta new it was just a "boyfriend girlfriend" for a night experience, we were both adults and knew that things need to be taken slowly to do it right. [...] I feel like a monster

You're not a monster. A "monster" would not have been a gentleman and kept his boundaries, like you did.

it all seemed like a dream to me, nothing felt real, nothing seemed to be true. I mean I have pictures on my cellphone of her and me, but even looking at them, it feels like thats not me and who is that?

Again, I know exactly what you mean.

I don't think I'm in touch with reality and feeling at all. No wonder I don't work with relationships.

Let me tell you what I think (I may be wrong). You want to find true love, the real thing, as we all do. Your heart wants to feel real love. And what you experienced with this girl was not real love, which is why your heart felt nothing. Physical intimacy, by itself, makes your body hot, but leaves your heart cold.

Nothing in what you wrote suggests to me that you're not capable of feeling love. Keep searching, and one day, you'll genuinely fall in love with a girl, and her kisses will ignite a roaring furnace in your soul. I speak from experience here. I remember a time when I hadn't been able to be with my girlfriend (now my ex) for many weeks. When we were finally able to see each other again, and we kissed, the intensity of that kiss was mind-blowing, electrifying. That kiss was the expression of our love, which is why it felt so amazing, the most amazing kiss of my life. But, just before we broke up, our kisses suddenly felt empty, hollow, meaningless. We no longer loved each other, and our kisses felt dead.

There's nothing wrong with you, my friend. You're not a monster. Your heart just wants to feel real romantic love, something that's extraordinarily difficult to find.

 

[IVIZ]

Yes I want to find true love. Thats basicly the story of my life. I dont want just anyone, I want to find the one thats meant for me. Sadly I need to wake up from this fantasy/dream and realize real life is not a stupid fairy tale.

Thanks QuietGuy and everyone else.

 

[Mr. Blue]

Yeah, I've been there! Dreaming for that RomCom desire of finding that perfect love who has all these people surrounding her that scream "He's not really the one" or "Listen, I'm your friend, and you can do better than this schmuck", but inside she finds that I'm the one. I'm everything she desires, needs or longs for. And you know what? I think she's out there.

I Just have to have a little patience. Maybe that's it...maybe it's as simple as that. Dreams.

 

[NOAH_FX]

IVIZ: I agree with BJD's post. I experienced this over the weekend... I've been wanting a girlfriend for awhile.. And this girl really likes me.. I went on a date with her a while ago, and we hung out at a party over the weekend... had a good time.. But it just wasnt their. I just didn't feel a spark.. It may be because im more of an analytical person, overthinking everyhting instead of feeling things.. But iono, the next day i had no will to hang out, i wanted to be alone.. and the (lets just be friends) started.. Maybe im just emotionally screwed, but i doubt it. I think i'll know when it's right, and so will you.

 

[Nina]

Sometimes the heart, mind, and body(physical chemisty). Don't all agree on what they want. I have always been physically attracted to very fit, driven and very intense men with definate views and brutal honesty. Mentally, I want intellegent and vairied with their interests. So far so good, these qualities can easily fit in the same man...But then my heart throws everything a curve. I love a wild, off the beaten path, sense of humor and warm loving words and a real sense of gentleness mixed with sensual romance. NOW..putting those qualities in the steely, driven, highly focused man is more of a reach....It's a rarity to find a funny teddybear living inside a cheetah hunting for dinner....You just have to keep looking...You never know when you'll turn a corner and trip over the, right one...

 

[Wandering stranger]

Sometimes my penisradar can detect std's, that might've happened to you also.

On a serious note, you slept around too much, kissed too many girls, welcome to my world. Gave away too much of yourself on previous attempts and now you only have small fragments left, it'll go on like this forever. Say goodbye to the butterflies.