I need a hug, please (or when girlfriends breakup it doesn't make any **** sense)

[Sarah_Lbnz]

I just had a "friend" text me that she's done with me. I know in the big scheme of things, this girl and I had a really codependent relationship, and she really doesn't care about me. So basically, the drama is this: she got really angry at me because she asked me a week before the concert (that we bought tickets for months ago) when the concert was... and was upset that I didn't read her mind to know that I should have let her know about the concert earlier. Which I did, several times in the past several months. But she's angry at me now, for whatever reason, I don't know. Somehow she wants to blame me and guilt me .... Basically she called me an "*******", that she was "sick of my honeysuckle", etc. etc. and paints herself as a victim. It sucks because I've known her for years, you know, we've gone on trips together, sleepovers, dinners, funerals, parties etc. etc. and obviously, because I come on these forums, I don't have many friends.

The texts she sent me made me feel weak, dizzy, sick to my stomach, afraid and yes, guilty (which I have felt before with her). So I'm sad, because I'm mourning a relationship that I thought was better than it really was. And mourning parts of myself that I see in her, which is even more painful but necessary. (also, none of her words surprises me, she has told me to go f**k myself like, a year ago, but I just sort of went into denial).

I really don't want to continue to think I deserve manipulative and controlling people in my life. I know it's no fault of her own: she's in her own denial, as she has this weird enmeshed relationship (think Black Swan) with her father who molested her and her sister when they were children. I think she's used to being manipulated and controlled and sees no problem in doing it to others, and gets really angry when she feels like she's having it done to her or has her methods questioned. As I said: her behaviour and words really don't surprise me - I liked her because she was *familiar*.

So if someone could just send some good warm, cleansing, confident energy my way, I'd really appreciate it, and you'll get 10x the love in return .

 

[Bob Arctor]

*hugs*

It sucks. For a long time I've been accruing friendships that weren't necessarily good for me, it was just that they were familiar, like you said. They were within my comfort zone according to the life I'd chosen to lead. Now, in the past couple years, I've been going through some pretty drastic personal changes and have begun to scrutinize the people I let into my life more closely. It's never easy losing friendships, even if they aren't very good, but ultimately you just need to ask yourself: "Am I really better off with this person in my life?"

 

[theraab]

*hug* the concert would be better without her anyway

 

[MissGuided]

I don't have cleansing to offer, but how about....

lots virtual hugs and a ginormous tub of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie.

 

[Klemon]

That's a really dumb thing to deliberately write a friend off over. Consider her not worth the effort.

I had a female friend once who was in a flatting situation who had gone away for the weekend and had left her laptop on to download something. Her flatmate, who up to that point she was really good friends with, discovered this laptop and got all up in arms about the "fire risk" it was causing being switched on and left frantic voicemail messages with my friend. Net result was that after this they weren't friends anymore after the flatmate was like "you risked all our lives as far as I'm concerned we're through". As an IT guy I know that leaving a laptop on constitutes absolutely no fire risk whatsoever as long as it's well ventilated (and it's not one of those Dell's from a few years ago!) so all in all a stupid reason for a friendship to end.

At the risk of sounding sexist, do girls/women often end friendships over stupid things? I can't imagine stuff like this causing rifts between guys.

Anyway, here's a *hug*, there are people who make better friends out there, and I hope you can find at least one really good one.

 

[VanillaCreme]

That does seem like a very silly reason to break off a friendship, but you have to think of it in the way that she probably never considered it to be real. Because, honestly, I don't see a true friendship failing because of that. You can't expect to depend on a friendship out of "familiarity" or out of what I would say is convince. She's there. You're there. Let's be friends because of this reason. I don't think that's how true friendships work. I think friendships and relationships in general have to work on a deeper level of understanding. Not just, "Oh, we have things in common."

I hope you feel better soon.

 

[Veilside05]

She is not worth as a friend. why would a true friend ask you to go f**k yourself. Its good to ditch her. Better friends will come your way. Cheers and hugs!!!!!

 

[Okiedokes]

Her loss if she doesn't want to be friends anymore.

 

[Sarah_Lbnz]

At the risk of sounding sexist, do girls/women often end friendships over stupid things? I can't imagine stuff like this causing rifts between guys.

Anyway, here's a *hug*, there are people who make better friends out there, and I hope you can find at least one really good one.

Awwww: Thanks for all your replies, people! It's hard when you're in the situation and you have all these confusing feelings about someone you used to love and now there's just resentment on both sides. Really helpful to get outside perspective.

@Bob I have been going through changes. It seems that as I learn to own my power - to refuse to be a doormat, I'm going to find people who find this behaviour "bitchy", or giving "attitude": when really I'm just asking her to be responsible for her own end, as I take responsibility for mine. I can't hang around someone who doesn't like that I'm changing for the better (even if I still have a whole lot more work to do!).

@theraab: well, she still might go, she changes her mind a lot.

@MissGuided. That's so cute! thanks

@Klemon. Honestly, it would make me better if we could just like, act like bros and take off our shirts and beat the crap out of each other. Then pat each other on the back, go down to the pub, throw back some pints and fart in unison. Seriously, though, we've been growing apart, and this little event that she blew out of proportion is just an excuse to tell me she wants nothing to do with me anymore, for whatever reason. But yeah, it's complete bullish*t.

@VanillaCreme. I thought we did have a "deeper level" of understanding but over the past year I've seen how that was all a fantasy in my head. I became accustomed to her not respecting my time, cancelling plans at the last minute, doing weird things with money (refusing to tip at restaurants I frequent thus forcing me to tip for her, and she would get really upset at me for "lecturing her"), blah blah crap crap. Needless to say, my patience is gone and I feel hurt, tired but also just. finished.

@Veilside05 Yeah! Better friends will come! But first, and this is cheesy, but I'm so into embracing the cheese: I have to be a good friend to myself!
@Okiedokes Totally. But she's pretty charming, so somebody else is going to manipulated into patting her head and helping her wipe her butt from now on. My arm is too sore. Thank G-d.

 

[In a lonely place]

 

[Peter Lorre]

*hugs*

 

[hopsfox]

*hugs* I feel for you

 

[nerdygirl]

It sounds like you've known for a while that this wasn't really a friendship. Each of you was in this relationship for your own reasons, rather than because you each cared for the other. So I think it's a little harsh for people to say mean things about her just to make you feel better. It doesn't sound like that's what you want or need, anyway. I'm sorry you feel bad, and I hope that you find people who are better suited for you to develop real friendships.

*hugs*

 

[perfanoff]

I just had a "friend" text me that she's done with me. I know in the big scheme of things, this girl and I had a really codependent relationship, and she really doesn't care about me. So basically, the drama is this: she got really angry at me because she asked me a week before the concert (that we bought tickets for months ago) when the concert was... and was upset that I didn't read her mind to know that I should have let her know about the concert earlier. Which I did, several times in the past several months. But she's angry at me now, for whatever reason, I don't know. Somehow she wants to blame me and guilt me .... Basically she called me an "*******", that she was "sick of my honeysuckle", etc. etc. and paints herself as a victim. It sucks because I've known her for years, you know, we've gone on trips together, sleepovers, dinners, funerals, parties etc. etc. and obviously, because I come on these forums, I don't have many friends.

The texts she sent me made me feel weak, dizzy, sick to my stomach, afraid and yes, guilty (which I have felt before with her). So I'm sad, because I'm mourning a relationship that I thought was better than it really was. And mourning parts of myself that I see in her, which is even more painful but necessary. (also, none of her words surprises me, she has told me to go f**k myself like, a year ago, but I just sort of went into denial).

I really don't want to continue to think I deserve manipulative and controlling people in my life. I know it's no fault of her own: she's in her own denial, as she has this weird enmeshed relationship (think Black Swan) with her father who molested her and her sister when they were children. I think she's used to being manipulated and controlled and sees no problem in doing it to others, and gets really angry when she feels like she's having it done to her or has her methods questioned. As I said: her behaviour and words really don't surprise me - I liked her because she was *familiar*.

So if someone could just send some good warm, cleansing, confident energy my way, I'd really appreciate it, and you'll get 10x the love in return .

I'm sorry, Sarah. Please don't get affected by the negativity she spits out. Some people are just like that. From what I've seen so far though is that you are a genuine person and I am glad for you!

Also, hugs

 

[IgnoredOne]

Everything dies in the end. Cherish what lingers while it does.

 

[Sarah_Lbnz]

Awww, thanks for the hugs @hopsfox@Peter Lorre @In a lonely place

@perfanoff
Thank you! I'm trying to not take it personally: she was trying to guilt me, and I know that feeling well, but having learned what my part is, what my responsibility is, I can walk away.

It sounds like you've known for a while that this wasn't really a friendship. Each of you was in this relationship for your own reasons, rather than because you each cared for the other. So I think it's a little harsh for people to say mean things about her just to make you feel better.
*hugs*

I agree on the part about being it being unfair about saying mean things: she has her own reasons for acting and saying the things she does. Even though it makes me feel sick, she's not evil, I loved her at one point for a reason. As I said - I sympathize, because I have behaved that way to people in the past too, when I didn't get exactly what I wanted at the exact time I wanted. Really selfish of me, but I didn't see it that way. I didn't see anything. Completely unconscious.

@IgnoredOne

I agree with half your statement: we had some good times, and now they've passed. I am truly glad I met her. It sucks it ends like this. But that's the way it passed, nothing else I can do. That's ok. We move on, as we must.

 

[Bob Arctor]

@Bob I have been going through changes. It seems that as I learn to own my power - to refuse to be a doormat, I'm going to find people who find this behaviour "bitchy", or giving "attitude": when really I'm just asking her to be responsible for her own end, as I take responsibility for mine. I can't hang around someone who doesn't like that I'm changing for the better (even if I still have a whole lot more work to do!).

That seems fair. I know what you mean; for a long time I put up with crappy behaviour from friends because I was scared to stand up for myself. Just like you said, now that I have more confidence and actually called one of them on their bullshit, they just got mad at me and tried to make me out to be the bad guy. It's sad when it happens, and then you think about all the good memories you actually had with them, but sometimes you just have to walk away.