I need my friend too much

[Capacitive Reactance]

The person I feel closest to right now is a friend who lives halfway across the country. She's a girl, but there's no romance between us; nonetheless, we love each other as friends. But because she's almost my only friend, I need her much more than she needs me, and it makes me feel bad in a lot of different ways.

We're internet friends except for the fact that I flew out to see her about a year ago. I really want to see her again, and I was hoping that my parents could save enough money over my birthday and Christmas (I did about nine straight months of job hunting and didn't get a thing, so I can't really make money myself). But my dad lost his job, so it probably isn't going to happen.

My friend doesn't really care. She would enjoy seeing me if she could, but she's not the least bit upset that it won't happen. I know this shouldn't bother me, but I can't help feeling bad when I'm here holding back tears and she's posting things on her tumblr about how happy her other friends make her, and how she feels bad about not keeping up with things she wants to accomplish, with no mention of feeling bad about not seeing me, or wanting to accomplish the visit.

Now we are close, and I have actually tried talking to her about these things. She says she doesn't mind if I act clingy, and it's okay that I need her more than she needs me. And she tells me that I'm special, that I'm not just another friend to her. She even says that she misses me when we don't talk for a few days, and she worries about me when I'm feeling bad and she doesn't get to tell me goodnight.

But for a long time now, I've had to try really hard to get her attention... she even had this episode where she triggered an intense fear of "things fading away," but when I told her I was afraid of our friendship fading away, she wasn't concerned at all. She's not worried in the least about losing me, but that's one of the very things that makes me feel more distant from her.

I can freely admit that I've been overreacting to trivial things and feeling unnecessary jealousy for her other friends, but... when she doesn't show me any sympathy (and for feeling bad that I won't get to see her, no less), I feel that my resentment is almost kind of justified--so much so that I want to just tell her, "I can't do this anymore." I know that these things are going to keep bothering me, so it makes me feel like I should just leave her alone, that way at least I'm not constantly bothering her about them. I'm not nearly as close to anyone else as I am to her, but sometimes that's just too much, and I think that being alone would be simpler.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Why do you want her to feel bad about not being able to visit you?

 

[SophiaGrace]

I think you need to focus on making RL friendships.

 

[Walley]

i had to rub my eyes and shake my head while reading this.. for a moment there i thought maybe i had written this in my sleep. because i could have.
i have a very similar situation :/
sorry i cannot really offer advice to you as i am still struggling with it myself. all i can say is.. dont do anything rash.
try to step back and see things from a larger perspective and dont be quick to throw a friendship away based on your current frame of mind.

 

[Ijustwish]

She's not that into you.

Because you have no one - you will hang onto her more than she will to you.

I know the feeling...I've been thru that before with another girl...she was super important to me, and I thought we would be friends forever for life - but I didn't matter to her at all...

Then I learnt it's pointless to take online friends seriously...they are just "chat buddies" and have their own real life friends that they are closer to...if you found real life friends, you wouldn't be so into her as well...people bond more to real life people...only so much can be bonded through online exchanges...and I found the hard way, a lot of the time it is not genuine.

Either you accept how things are or time to change priorities...don't make someone a priority when they make you an option...very true quote.

 

[Capacitive Reactance]

Why do you want her to feel bad about not being able to visit you?

That's why I feel so bad about it. I don't want her to feel bad, but I guess part of me does...

i had to rub my eyes and shake my head while reading this.. for a moment there i thought maybe i had written this in my sleep. because i could have.
i have a very similar situation :/

And again: it's nice to know I'm not the only one, which means I'm feeling good about someone else feeling bad. I don't want that to be how it is, but I don't see what I can do about it.

Then I learnt it's pointless to take online friends seriously...they are just "chat buddies" and have their own real life friends that they are closer to...if you found real life friends, you wouldn't be so into her as well...people bond more to real life people...only so much can be bonded through online exchanges...and I found the hard way, a lot of the time it is not genuine.

That's the problem, I have no "real life" friends and I've never been able to make them. All the ones I had, I lost contact with after they moved away. That's been my experience: real life friends are only my friends because we're together for school or work or whatever, and as soon as that ends, they forget about me. If online friends move, it doesn't do anything: we can still talk.

Either you accept how things are or time to change priorities...don't make someone a priority when they make you an option...very true quote.

This is sort of what I've been trying to do, but I'm finding it hard to separate my feelings about different matters. Because she used to cling to me just as much as I do to her. She needed that at one point, but now that she's got more friends, she doesn't need it anymore. She still wants me around as a friend and she said she needs me--she said she started crying just thinking about losing me--but at the same time, I think she's annoyed at me that I'm so broken up about not being able to do the visit, because we were supposed to do this group roleplay thing, and I said I couldn't do it that night because I was too upset to concentrate.

Part of the problem is that her defense mechanism for anything bad is just denial, and mine is to embrace the problem and make fun of it with self-deprecating humor. I feel like I need to feel the bad emotions in order to get past them, but she just wants to pretend they don't exist. We've clashed over that before, but we've gotten through so much in the past... If I lose her, I won't have anybody who I can talk to. Not like that. She's the one person I can say anything to, so that's a problem when I need to say something about her.

Nonetheless, I don't disagree that I would probably mellow out if I had more friends. I wish I had other people to whom I could be as close. But it's so hard. I want to be able to love someone with my whole heart, but it always turns out to be too much, too destructive. But I can't just give up because now I know what I'm missing, and I don't want to be alone with that knowledge.

 

[VanillaCreme]

It sounds like to me that perhaps there's a possibility that you started to like her as more than just a friend, whether you realize it or not.

 

[Okiedokes]

I hate to say it but.. if someone doesn't hold much importance about you then don't give them more than they give you. Try to make new online friends and broaden your friendships. You might not see it now, and I'm sure you don't cause you probably think there won't be as good of a friend as yours..but there are lots of people out there who might just be the same or better.

You can still be friends with her.. but make others online so you won't feel so clingy to her..in return she might appreciate that or start to notice your withdraw. Now.. this isn't guarenteed or a reason to do this. It's for your own sanity and happiness! Lots of good people out there!

 

[Capacitive Reactance]

It sounds like to me that perhaps there's a possibility that you started to like her as more than just a friend, whether you realize it or not.

You would probably be right about that if I hadn't been down that road before. In fact, at the moment I'm very aware that I don't know how to tell the difference between feelings of friendship and romantic attraction, but I've successfully prevented myself from making any romantic advances, and for now that's how I want it to stay.

I hate to say it but.. if someone doesn't hold much importance about you then don't give them more than they give you. Try to make new online friends and broaden your friendships. You might not see it now, and I'm sure you don't cause you probably think there won't be as good of a friend as yours..but there are lots of people out there who might just be the same or better.

You can still be friends with her.. but make others online so you won't feel so clingy to her..in return she might appreciate that or start to notice your withdraw. Now.. this isn't guarenteed or a reason to do this. It's for your own sanity and happiness! Lots of good people out there!

Like I said, I'm sure having more friends would make me feel better, but it's not like they just drop out of the sky. But don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up. I just want to figure out how to deal with this while I wait...

I think it's really just that I miss how close we used to be, you know? Eventually any pair of individuals runs out of things to talk about, and that's why I wish I could see her in person again, because then we wouldn't have to talk... we could just be there with each other.

She still asks to talk to me about something occasionally, and stuff... I just can't help feeling like she ignores me at other times. And it's a little irritating because she got really mad at me for ignoring her once, when I'm normally worried about being too clingy.