I really don't just understand any more.

[MentatsGhoul]

For most people, loneliness is temporary. Or at least, they know they can fix it if they put in the proper effort. But not for me at this stage.

I don't even see any opportunities any more, and I don't understand. I'm starting to panic. What is wrong with me? I'm in university, I'm surrounded by thousands of people nearly every day, yet I don't see a single chance to talk to any of them. How does someone even go about it? How does someone find the opportunity to talk to someone? Like, should I just say hi to a stranger? Tell a random girl she's pretty and ask her out? But those things are frowned upon. I don't see any feasible chance to strike up a conversation with anyone.

And the rare times I do, the rare times I can somehow gather the courage or someone talks to me... that's it. No phone numbers are exchanged, no facebook details, no agreements to meet up and have a few drinks, nothing. The friendship does not develop, and I don't know how to make it, I don't know how I JUST DON'T KNOW! I would guess I have some form of autism or something, if it wasn't for the fact that in the few relationships I've had, I've always been seen as a very understanding person, and I am very socially self aware in almost every other aspect of my life, aside from establishing new friendships. Am I really THAT incompatible with 99.99% of the human population?

It's either that I really just am that dumb or mentally challenged that I don't see and/or understand social conventions and signals that are normal to everyone else, or that everyone around me has chosen to distance themselves from getting close to me for whatever reason, and I don't know which is worse.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I think you'd be surprised how much a nice, gentle, "Hey, how you doing?" can open up opportunities. It's not always about being assertive yourself and getting others attention. Sometimes it's about just letting others know that you are friendly and you are approachable. If someone sees that friendliness, they may start to think that you're a cool dude that's always been nice to them, and so that makes them want to approach you. Then they initiate conversations, and it's not all on your shoulders to start one in the first place.

 

[Dawn Jellyfish]

People are concerned with their own lives.
Lots of people are confident enough to just insert themselves into situations (like hitting on random girls). Conscientious people often end up alone because they don't do this.

So it's hard to get out and get in there. I probably have more of a social life at work than anything, but am still too shy to try being friends with any of them outside of work.

My work schedule makes it tough to get out and be a part of community type stuff (and again... I'm super picky about friends and acquaintances, much more than I probably should be... but if you can think otherwise, maybe try to look for something, anything, in the community you can get involved in and then meet people there.)

 

[ladyforsaken]

I think you'd be surprised how much a nice, gentle, "Hey, how you doing?" can open up opportunities. It's not always about being assertive yourself and getting others attention. Sometimes it's about just letting others know that you are friendly and you are approachable. If someone sees that friendliness, they may start to think that you're a cool dude that's always been nice to them, and so that makes them want to approach you. Then they initiate conversations, and it's not all on your shoulders to start one in the first place.

I gotta agree with Nilla here.

A lot of times at work I have to speak to clients and as boring as it may sound, I have to greet them every time I see them, and it seems like they would actually open up if you even go as far as asking "What are your plans this weekend?" and usually have a lot to tell me.

I realise that when that door is open, they will freely start talking to me about anything random. Sometimes it's as simple as just extending an invitation for them to speak to you by just being friendly to them first.

 

[blackdot]

MentatsGhoul>

I understand what you mean about not understanding social cues and signals. It usually takes some work to get me to open up to people. I never know when people actually want to talk or just are saying something but have no interest in talking. Plus talking to people can be stressful so I have to be prepared for it.

When I was in college, I didn't have an issue being alone. I went to a small school so everyone on campus sort of knew everyone. Plus the internet had just started to take hold for the geeky crowd so I had the internet to talk to people all day and night.

These days it does seem to be a lot harder to ever find people to talk to because most people spend 100% of their time glued to their cell phones. Everyone is more one-on-one with people these days instead of group message boards and things like that where I always felt more alive. Since I don't have any interest in getting a phone (since no one would call it anyway and I am not into texting), I get left alone.

I'm also not really a chit-chatty person. Some people can just go up to people and start talking about anything. I'm more of a shy type that does not talk unless the topic is something I have in common. Most people my age talk about their kids or spouse so I have nothing to talk about.

 

[Tealeaf]

I never really felt that I was part of social settings in the normal way, that I would be one of those people to just walk in and make friends. Everyone else had answers that were all wrong, answers that blamed me (I must be bad and unpleasant) or minimized the situation (I just had to "try", "be positive", or "read this website for tips). Read books, read websites, changed everything, nothing changed.

I don't think this means anything is wrong with a person, whether it's for a season or for a lifetime. People keep growing and they can find some peace and connection where there might not have been any years ago, if they take the time for themselves and don't exhaust themselves trying to be "normal" like that standard is all that matters.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

I would guess I have some form of autism or something, if it wasn't for the fact that in the few relationships I've had, I've always been seen as a very understanding person, and I am very socially self aware in almost every other aspect of my life, aside from establishing new friendships. Am I really THAT incompatible with 99.99% of the human population?

It's either that I really just am that dumb or mentally challenged that I don't see and/or understand social conventions and signals that are normal to everyone else, or that everyone around me has chosen to distance themselves from getting close to me for whatever reason, and I don't know which is worse.

Actually, from your posts you sound intelligent and thoughtful, not dumb! I think this might be an "issue", in that lots of the friendliest, most intelligent people I've met find it hard developing decent friendships and getting girlfriends. Similarly, I think being socially smart and gentlemanly is both great and also terrible!

Lots of people on this site seem like they're clever and pretty socially aware to boot.

I'd say I'm moderately intelligent (though also irritatingly dopey and absent minded the last few years for some reason >_< ) and for that very reason I tend to really over-analyse basic social stuff other people don't even seem to give a second thought.

I know a lot of guys who were bad academically when I knew them at school, but are great with girls and social events because it just seems to come naturally to them. When you watch them talk to people, it just seems like they're not always "thinking" about every outcome of what they're saying or worrying about it.

If I'm in a party group I can make people laugh and "pretend to be the extrovert" successfully. But if a girl comes over and flirts with me, I'm instantly totally useless. Or if I was told to forge a lasting friendship with someone at a party, again I would be useless.

So I guess it's partially practice. And also training yourself not to think "smartly" about socialising, but treat it as something "natural".

(Note: I may be talking absolute baloney with this post, meh. I guess it's just how I try to rationalise it.)

 

[ardour]

Listen in to some of the conversations of people around you: It’s often heavily sarcastic, full of derogatory comments, with the constant need for ‘one-upmanship’ that’s typical of people around your age. If you happen to be sensitive and have empathy then that sets you apart from 90% of them. Apologies if that sounds patronising.

 

[edgecrusher]

I can't offer any advice. I just wanted to say that I like your username.

 

[Tealeaf]

Thinking on this more, I think there are some paradoxes in approaching people even outside of natural skill.

Depending on the environment, it might be easy for me to approach and talk about anything with people if I feel we share a common bond in the first place. I don't consider myself particularly charismatic. Other times they can be the nicest people, and I feel like I have nothing of value to say to them and our conversations seem to peter out quickly. It's not something I've been able to explain to myself or anyone else when I think back on specific examples beyond that it just didn't feel right.

I think it comes down to personal compatibility either on an individual or a larger level with people in a class, city, etc. No amount of conversational skill is going to make people who are distant in personality and goals feel close while others don't need anything at all to get each other. Being a natural social butterfly just makes it more easy to skim along surface interactions with grace.

 

[handheart]

I think you dont have confidence in you ,lts tell you a secret ,people atract in theyr life what they think about theyrself .if you think you are not popular then people not speak with you etc .Change your thoughts and say to you that you are popular and people loves you but you must reapet this daily and feel it also until you develop this as a habit

 

[Menorahman]

Fake it till you make it, and don't worry about what others think.