I was asked to make a thread about this, so here goes

[Seeker]

So in another thread I came up with the subject that I feel that the world functions under a certain set of unwritten rules, to which I feel that I don't have the rulebook. For example, sometimes I do things or say things that people tell me i shouldn't have said because "it's not right". Or sometimes, when being with company, I see them communicating in a way which I don't understand at all. Even worse, and I do know that this is a common occurrence with people in this forum, I don't always seem to understand how attraction rules work. Sometimes I will leave after a conversation with a woman I like being assured that she is interested, only to have her give me the cold shoulder later on.

I would like to hear whether you sometimes feel that way yourselves, like you don't get what others seem to get. Shoot away!

 

[Edward W]

Hmmm, not sure I do. I'm not good with subtle, or hints. Big neon signs work much better.

BTW, why are you threatening us? ( )

 

[Seeker]

BTW, why are you threatening us? ( )

Because you need to answer or else

 

[9006]

What about examples? I'm not sure exactly what you mean.

 

[Seeker]

What about examples? I'm not sure exactly what you mean.

Here are some examples.

Example 1: I was with a female friend at the mall, she was looking at some clothes. At some point, the sales attendant started nagging me on whether I wanted to try something on or not. I said no thanks, I didn't come here to shop today. She gave me a frown and left. Afterwards, my friend said to me you can't answer like that, you should have said that you're just looking. I was confused as to what I did wrong to make 2 women mad at me.

My problem mostly is that i say things i don't consider irrational, while other people are quick to point out to me what i should have said instead. Like there are some rules about what you can and can't say. This is what I don't get.

 

[9006]

To be honest I don't find anything wrong with what you said, unless it was said in an angry or inappropriate manner. Maybe the sales assistant was just pissed because you didn't buy anything and your friend was because it wasn't how she'd respond.

But like you said some people expect you to respond in a certain way, these days if someone deviates from the "social norm" then you're considered different and weird to some people.

 

[constant stranger]

So in another thread I came up with the subject that I feel that the world functions under a certain set of unwritten rules, to which I feel that I don't have the rulebook. For example, sometimes I do things or say things that people tell me i shouldn't have said because "it's not right". Or sometimes, when being with company, I see them communicating in a way which I don't understand at all. Even worse, and I do know that this is a common occurrence with people in this forum, I don't always seem to understand how attraction rules work. Sometimes I will leave after a conversation with a woman I like being assured that she is interested, only to have her give me the cold shoulder later on.

I would like to hear whether you sometimes feel that way yourselves, like you don't get what others seem to get. Shoot away!

Seeker, what you're talking about happens to me all the time.

Actually, I've also witnessed other people missing cues, hints and other communication forms with each other.

IMO, clear communicating takes active listening and absorbing of information AS WELL as active, clear transmitting of information.

When there is some doubt as to the clarity of things, I've sometimes said things like...."Am I hearing this right? Are you saying.......?"

Doesn't work too well with flirtation or man/woman come ons though. I'm not the guy talk about that department......getting the timing right seems important though.

 

[maidendeth]

thats really weird! it doesnt make much sense that your friend would have a problem with what you said. the salesperson, yeah, probably because she couldnt make a sale off you. hopefully im understanding your post right, but i feel like society is pretty sensitive now and days. bluntness is offensive now i guess.

---

ive been around too much bleach today from cleaning so im sorry if what i replied wasnt relevant to your post lol

 

[Seeker]

thats really weird! it doesnt make much sense that your friend would have a problem with what you said. the salesperson, yeah, probably because she couldnt make a sale off you. hopefully im understanding your post right, but i feel like society is pretty sensitive now and days. bluntness is offensive now i guess.

---

ive been around too much bleach today from cleaning so im sorry if what i replied wasnt relevant to your post lol

---

Don't worry, maidendeth, you are exactly on point

 

[StarvingZombie]

I don't think it's unwritten rules as much as it is two similar yet different languages spoken be two different sub-species. Beyond language we also have different cues we pick up on (some inherent and others environmental).


Mars and Venus right , we have the barren rock with little going on , similar to our three word blurts and guttural responses and they have a world teaming with gooey viscous materials all willing to melt you to the core if not navigated perfectly.

 

[Tiina63]

I have Aspergers, so I miss out on a lot of indirect communication. I have felt all my life that others have an unwritten rule book of what to say and that I don't have this information. I have often tried to say the same sorts of things that they say, but it doesn't come off properly.
When it comes to attraction, I read that people signal it by use of innuendo and body language, which helps explain why I have been so unsuccessful in relationships. If someone liked me and wanted to go out with me, they would have to tell me directly. Dropping hints would not work.

 

[Batman55]

I have Aspergers, so I miss out on a lot of indirect communication. I have felt all my life that others have an unwritten rule book of what to say and that I don't have this information. I have often tried to say the same sorts of things that they say, but it doesn't come off properly.
When it comes to attraction, I read that people signal it by use of innuendo and body language, which helps explain why I have been so unsuccessful in relationships. If someone liked me and wanted to go out with me, they would have to tell me directly. Dropping hints would not work.

Same here, but I only have a self-diagnosis. My case of AS would be very mild and therefore unlikely to get attention from any clinician.

The general theory behind the "missing rulebook" for those with AS is a sensory deficit. There's a filter that everyone uses to block out irrelevant information and prioritize only the most important input. One simple example of how this is "broken" with me is if I try reading a novel that demands my full attention, I can't "remove" the sounds in the background, especially if someone is arguing, I hear every word and can't settle my focus where it needs to be. Just being in a crowded noisy room for a while--for instance, a casino--I just start to feel very unpleasant because my sensory input is jammed and overloading. Obviously a sensory issue becomes a major disadvantage socially, because of the need to process all the subtlety of body language and facial expression and words at the same time.

I could not use science to explain how any of this works, but if I'm allowed simply my own take on it, I believe many people who have this "missing rulebook" problem probably have trouble filtering sensory input.

 

[blackdot]

I wish there was a rule book that would explain how to tell when a female is interested in me.
I unfortunately find myself instantly connected to any women who speak to me. They on the other hand have no interest in me. It's worse when they always want to talk to me or do things with me. It's all fine and dandy until they realize I like them at which they disappear and stop talking to me.

 

[TheWalkingDead]

I was thinking about this with regard to Facebook, there is always a like button, never a dislike button. You're encouraged to go with the flow.

Most people share the most stupid things, but I'm one of the people who, instead of clicking like, will say something along the lines of wtf are you sharing that for, think for 2 seconds and you'll see it's made up. But the rule seems to be like and share. If you dislike, or don't share, you are just invisible.

Or like my running group at the moment, I joined it just to socialise and enjoy running with other people, but it's turning into some kind of competition and they've started a leaderboard about who runs the most miles a week. I said sorry, isn't this supposed to be a relaxed group with no pressure that welcomes all abilities, and I got a response like I had just started speaking Martian... there's a part of me that's very maverick though, so I guess my problem is I probably have a good idea of the rules, I just refuse to follow them quite a bit of the time.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Everyone reacts differently. There was nothing wrong with what you said.

 

[Triple Bogey]

I wish there was a rule book that would explain how to tell when a female is interested in me.
I unfortunately find myself instantly connected to any women who speak to me. They on the other hand have no interest in me. It's worse when they always want to talk to me or do things with me. It's all fine and dandy until they realize I like them at which they disappear and stop talking to me.

that happens to most people, it isn't just you !

 

[dustgollum]

I've experienced this my entire life too. Working on powers of observation and being a good listener doesn't seem to have improved it much. In social situations, I try hard to put out a friendly vibe and respond in conventional ways, and sometimes it works, but more often just stagnates, and I can never figure out why. Either I 'click' with people or I don't. Usually the latter I can't ever figure out how to get past the first hurdle of being friendly w/ strangers, nothing happens after that. Even when I try to respond according to all these confusing unwritten rules.

Interestingly, online I don't have these issues and do quite well w/ others. So I worked on body language, smiling, physical cues, for awhile. That does seem to help a bit but I'm just uncomfortable with fake smiles and it's very hard to control something like body language, or what I look like - the opposite argument here is that I feel everyone should be able to be themselves as far as personality and appearance if you're not hurting others, and maybe that's the problem.

Attraction rules are even more confusing. I am pretty insecure and shy, so a guy practically has to come out and tell me I LIKE YOU before I get it. I never realize when I'm being flirted with unless I know the person very well. Have been told I am unapproachable. But also have the opposite problem of being nice/talkative/etc to males and somehow making them think I'm coming on to them, when that wasn't my intention at all.

I'm old enough now I'm pretty resigned to being a social misfit, at least, ha. But it's definitely not just you!