I went the right direction but I'm stuck again

[fuzzybutt]

Hey guys. It's been a while since I posted on these forums but tonight I had a little war going on in my head.

In some of my previous threads I wrote about getting rid of my social anxiety. Still haven't gotten rid of it. I also wrote about a girl I had met at work that I became really interested in. That actually turned out fine.

But it's friday night, I tried to drink my fears away and really there isn't anyone to talk to.

This girl, I love her personality and they way that she puts up with my insecurities. Always telling me that its great that we get along since we have our problems.

I'm interested in taking things further than just being friends. Though I don't have the confidence mainly because of these factors:
-I'm 22 and I've never had a single female friend to hang out with since I was 5 years old.
-Social anxiety (though she seems to have it too it's just triggered by different causes but she is WAY more outgoing than me)
-She came out of an abusive relationship probably almost a year ago now. I don't know if she's ready honestly.

The first one isn't a problem. The 2nd one is difficult to work with. I still haven't talked about my issues to my friends. Right now I have about 3 close friends, 2 I see regularly. So I rarely go out.

As for the 3rd factor, I don't want to ruin anything. I don't want to scare her. I don't want to ruin our friendship.

Lately she's been smoking a lot of weed. She was the reason I first tried it. She usually picks me up when we hang out. I'd take her out but I fear she may decline because I won't let her smoke in my parent's car. So really, I've never asked her out.

And I don't want to be alone this weekend either. At the same time though my biggest fear is that there may be someone else she may be interested. No matter how many times she will tell me she "has no friends" that fear will always pop up.

I also have to write a paper for school...Now imagine writing a paper for school that you dread on doing? Sucks right? Now imagine trying to write it while dreading it and having a crush on your mind....it's awful.

It's only been 2 weeks since I last saw her..so maybe I'm overreacting.

 

[crowtching tiger]

Well at least you got the drinking part down... Now take her into the woods sometime and smoke a ton of weed with her. (Solves the whole parent's car problem.) And then the next time you're gonna talk to her, drink enough to have a strong buzz then talk to her. You'll feel incredibly confident but you'll still remember what you talked about. Guarantee she'll be all over you.

Thank me later.

 

[passage]

Don't smoke and drive. And don't smoke in your parents car. That should be common sense, and if you do Im going to beat your ass and hers.

As for the girl, make a ******* move man. Can you find a more fitting girl, who says she has similar problems as you do. If you wait, you won't get another chance. Kiss her, hold her hand (better to kiss her though), but do something that signals your interest STRONGLY.

 

[fuzzybutt]

Interesting responses guys. I feel kind of pathetic having to google things like how you know if you're in the friend zone, honeysuckle like that. I came to the conclusion that none of the advice is actually final. I think every girl is different.

Do you not find it weird that she's been inviting me out the whole time? Sometimes just us, sometimes with a relative of hers but NEVER with another friend of hers or a guy friend.

 

[DrFlashman]

1.) If you think you're in the Friend Zone, you're probably in the Friend Zone. I say just roll the dice, make a move. Worst comes to worst she rejects you. Then you can just say, "I'm really sorry." It may change the friendship a little bit, but you want her as a Girlfriend, not just a friend. Or try the old trick of pulling away for a little bit. She'll either realize how much she needs/wants you, and start pursuing you, or...she won't and then you'll know.

2.) In my opinion, it's hard to have a relationship with a stoner. No offense, I have some good friends who are stoners. But I find that people who smoke a lot of weed tend to get overly absorbed in their own world and don't notice Social Cues as well as other people might. They are very attuned to their own comfort and desires, but don't tend to be overly concerned about other people's feelings or needs, or the nuances of any particular situation. For example, she very likely has NO IDEA that when she invites you out it makes you excited and sends you a certain message. No idea.

That sounds mean, but it's just from hard-earned experience trying to date a stoner. I think you might find it pretty difficult to make any headway with her. When it occurs to her that she wants to be with you, she'll likely make that known. Otherwise, you probably just have to be content with the friend zone for now.

And anyway...do you really wanna be with someone who's stoned all the time? I know I don't. If she won't even ride in your parents car cause you can't smoke weed in it, sounds like you, my friend are in for a long and difficult road if you want to be her boyfriend.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Sci-Fi]

-She came out of an abusive relationship probably almost a year ago now. I don't know if she's ready honestly.

Lately she's been smoking a lot of weed. She was the reason I first tried it. She usually picks me up when we hang out. I'd take her out but I fear she may decline because I won't let her smoke in my parent's car. So really, I've never asked her out.

Talk to her, find out where she is at and let her know how you feel. And the weed thing...to each their own but what passage said above.

 

[In a lonely place]

Question is do you like her enough to take a chance?

If so, I'd say be brave in what you do and either way you'll learn from the experience.

 

[fuzzybutt]

Well just an update guys she invited me out a day after I made this thread, and again this weekend, and probably tomorrow. Of course I joined her.

It's interesting because she claims to have no friends (trust issues I guess) just acquaintances, so though she works a stressful job all week and the weekends are her sanctuaries and to be the only around her on those days is quite awesome.

But I'm at a point where I feel I can maybe just talk to her about her habits and ask her to try to change a little bit because I'm trying to change too. She's been getting very frisky around me lately and asking me questions about what I think about her but I'm getting bored of simply smoking. It gives me anxiety sometimes especially around public places so going to the mall so often is very uncomfortable. It's like a balancing act between fear/paranoia and happiness. Obviously don't smoke too much or not at all.

Maybe I should remain just friends with her.

 

[In a lonely place]

Yes, maybe you should just remain friends, you seem to be handling it well.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Yeah, I agree with lonely place, at least for now while you both work on yourselves. You can help each other and take things as they come.

 

[fuzzybutt]

Thank you guys for the advice. If possible I'll post again. I did took her around for errands on sunday and she was sober the whole day and still acted the same way. Frisky, playful. At the end of the day though she said that even though she got what she wanted for work (her weed) she still felt empty. Not happy.

I told her the same that I felt like that sometimes when I buy things. But she then confused the crap out of me by telling me that "what we both need is a girlfriend/boyfriend. Some companionship." I had no idea what to say at this point.

So yea it's definitely time to talk to her this weekend in person.

 

[MadMonkè]

3 steps forward, 2 steps back
lets tango.... or whatever this dance describes...

 

[fuzzybutt]

2.) In my opinion, it's hard to have a relationship with a stoner. No offense, I have some good friends who are stoners. But I find that people who smoke a lot of weed tend to get overly absorbed in their own world and don't notice Social Cues as well as other people might. They are very attuned to their own comfort and desires, but don't tend to be overly concerned about other people's feelings or needs, or the nuances of any particular situation. For example, she very likely has NO IDEA that when she invites you out it makes you excited and sends you a certain message. No idea.

DrFlashman, you don't know how well you hit the nail on the head with this. My heart was I guess broken this Friday. I was going to tell her how I felt. I did but a big twist occurred before.

She called me maybe an hour before her shift was over and she asked me what we were going to do that day. Of course I danced around this question because smoking wasn't too appealing.

She then tells me she is sorta broke too. She said she had to buy something that was kinda expensive. I asked her what it was. She wouldn't tell me she said that she wasn't ready to tell anyone. I told her I'm her friend she could tell me. She gave in.

She had bought some birth control pills because she had a one night stand a few days earlier with some random guy. She said the guy was an ******* and would never see him again.

You have no idea how my next few hours went. I was quiet on the phone and she was laughing nervously wondering if I was still there. My mind was blank. I wanted to run away anywhere. I started thinking of where I could drive to. Who to talk to. In the end I told her I had to go.

I got my 360 controller and lied to my mom that I was going to my friends house. I ended in a park and she called me again wondering if I was mad that she did that. She said that's how messed up she is. And she kinda laughed shrugging it off as if she's done that so many times.

I came clean. I told her she can do whatever she wants, she is her own adult and I'm not her father or boyfriend. I confessed to her how I felt and how I wanted to put the effort in finding more things to do.

In the end she said she wasn't ready for a relationship since she has her issues to work out.

I had not felt so bad in such a long time since my little cousin died. I cried mainly because I had pretty much no one to talk to. I felt alone and like there was no place to run to. I finally called one of my friends and he invited me to his place. And he listened to me. I spent the night playing video games with him.

I feel better now but what tears me up is how someone so fragile like her was raped and beaten by someone she trusted and then she goes out and sleeps with some other stranger she "just met" and claimed he was an ******* in the end. What if he had done something horrible to her?

I'm sure I'm done with this person. No friend should torture someone like that. I sent her an email this morning. I don't know when she'll read it but I wanted to make clear that she shouldn't feel guilty. My inexperience with relationships wasn't good enough I hurt myself in confusion in the end but I asked her to leave me alone for a while.

 

[fuzzybutt]

I'm sorry to bump this thread so much but I am in a lot of pain. I've talked to my sister. I don't think I'm entirely to blame. The email I sent her explained to her how I felt about her habits and how I worried about her. That she should get help and try to reconnect with her family.

I guess I came down as condescending.

She texted me telling me if I think I was some kind of ******* saint telling her how to fix her problems if I can't even fix mine. She called me close minded and quick to judge people. I didn't think I was either at all.
She told me I was no one to her and not to bother replying because she blocked my number. Her life is her business and not for me to spit on.

I honestly thought I was being as kind and humble as possible. For sure I will never see her again.

 

[In a lonely place]

You have nothing to blame yourself for.

You tried to help her but the help was rejected. You can't solve other people's problems, I think only they can do that themselves.

I'm sorry you feel hurt because you obviously care about this girl, it's experience for you, like it would be for me.
I think she will calm down and speak to you again, but I think you should look after your own feelings first. I think you need to be carefull of getting hurt, but then again, love is a risk anyway so who knows???


Take care anyway.

 

[fuzzybutt]

You have nothing to blame yourself for.

You tried to help her but the help was rejected. You can't solve other people's problems, I think only they can do that themselves.

I'm sorry you feel hurt because you obviously care about this girl, it's experience for you, like it would be for me.
I think she will calm down and speak to you again, but I think you should look after your own feelings first. I think you need to be carefull of getting hurt, but then again, love is a risk anyway so who knows???


Take care anyway.

I will do my best to take care.

These past few days have been rough. I have some tough school assignments that I need to work on. I have to sort some things in life.

But this situation has been a very big eye opener for me. I don't think it's fair for me to say that I am truly a lonely life user. These past few days my sister has been giving me support, along with a few friends and a cousin in another country.

I'm gonna take this opportunity to connect with my family because really they are the most important thing I have in life. From there I will work my issues out.

Thank you all for taking the time to read this and for replying.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

In my experience, people with severe problems seem to often lash out at others, especially those who are good to them.

It's almost like they are used to people treating them poorly, so they can't comprehend someone treating them well.

I've talked to people in the past who have actually outright abused me in the most horrible cutting ways just for being nice to them. Sounds like this girl knew she had problems but apparently decided to voice that to you in a very unpleasant way: while it hurts now, I believe you were lucky to have that happen before you got into a relationship.

Don't beat yourself up

 

[fuzzybutt]

In my experience, people with severe problems seem to often lash out at others, especially those who are good to them.

It's almost like they are used to people treating them poorly, so they can't comprehend someone treating them well.

I've talked to people in the past who have actually outright abused me in the most horrible cutting ways just for being nice to them. Sounds like this girl knew she had problems but apparently decided to voice that to you in a very unpleasant way: while it hurts now, I believe you were lucky to have that happen before you got into a relationship.

Don't beat yourself up

I won't but looking at it from a different perspective I kinda wish I followed the Dalai Lama and kept my mouth shut and let my thoughts sort things out. If someone tells you something shocking, don't react right away.

I spent some time already trying to put the pieces together. Maybe her issues weren't as severe. Maybe she was a liar. I will never know but I won't waste time pondering about that.

Despite her issues she was a good friend to me. I've done pretty good so far moving forward.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

It wasn't going anywhere, period, in my opinion. At least you got to have some interesting times together. Sometimes when you go fishing you don't catch a thing, but at least you get some time to enjoy nature and or good company.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

You might try reading AA or NA literature.

K...from family and friends perspective.
You might try reading co dependency no more.

There's patterns.

It might help you understand whats happening to ya or this relationship.
Some term it as the addict/codi dance.

You can also google abusive relationships.
As a male you'll get mentally, emotionally and spiritually dragged through the mud.

You can also google Stockholm syndrom.

Its the nature of addiction.
All addicts that using dont think they have a using problem no matter how fresia up
thier lives gets. All addictd dont think or believe they're going to get worst.

It gets worst and never better....