If you had a crisis, how would you want your friend to act?

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Hi, guys, how are you?
I joined the platform here because I would like to get the opinion of other people, especially people who have already dealt or are dealing with depression.

I have a friend who is going through a depression crisis again, and since we live far away, we talk online every day. But now he is feeling very exhausted, sleeping a lot, not wanting to talk or go out.

I really enjoy talking to him and I'm really worried, so I keep texting him about music or daily stuff, asking how things are going (even though I know I'm sounding repetitive and the answer will be the same)

Sometimes I don't know if I should bring up something, because we've barely spoken in the last few days. I'm afraid that if I talk about my daily life or how things are going, it will sound like I don't care that much about his problem or that I will make him more depressed. But just talking about the problem sounds exhausting to him too.

Sometimes I think about sending more messages, suggesting more music and such, but I'm afraid that it sounds like I'm pressuring him to respond. But I don't care if he answers quickly or not, I just want to be able to show that I'm there and remember him.

If you have ever had a crisis where you wanted to isolate yourself from everything and everyone, how would you like me to act in this situation?
 
The reply created by error. My apologies. Anyway, I hope you'll find some answers here!
 
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Welcome to the forum! I retreated from society. Hmmm. With me, I just wanted everybody to go away and stop contacting me, which is exactly what happened. Nobody really cared about me so it didn't take long. I mostly just stopped helping them and poof! All gone. :)

In your situation it really depends what your friend actually wants and why they are retreating. Sometimes people just need to deal with things on their own for awhile and will bounce back. But, if it's a major retreat then there's probably not much you can do. If you try to help them then it seems like you are putting pressure on them. If you give them space then it seems like you are abandoning them. But, at the same time you have things you are dealing with too. So, it can't be all about them. If you allow that to happen then that's what your relationship will end up being.

IMO, letting them know you are there for them may help even if it doesn't seem so at the moment. It's difficult because you can't just go pickup a 12 back of beer, drive to their house, drink some beer with them, get them to talk about what's bothering them, and maybe kick the honeysuckle out of some card board boxes or something to get the anger out. Most online relationships are too easy to turn on and off. But, sometimes that's all you've got.
 
Welcome to the forum! I retreated from society. Hmmm. With me, I just wanted everybody to go away and stop contacting me, which is exactly what happened. Nobody really cared about me so it didn't take long. I mostly just stopped helping them and poof! All gone. :)

In your situation it really depends what your friend actually wants and why they are retreating. Sometimes people just need to deal with things on their own for awhile and will bounce back. But, if it's a major retreat then there's probably not much you can do. If you try to help them then it seems like you are putting pressure on them. If you give them space then it seems like you are abandoning them. But, at the same time you have things you are dealing with too. So, it can't be all about them. If you allow that to happen then that's what your relationship will end up being.

IMO, letting them know you are there for them may help even if it doesn't seem so at the moment. It's difficult because you can't just go pickup a 12 back of beer, drive to their house, drink some beer with them, get them to talk about what's bothering them, and maybe kick the honeysuckle out of some card board boxes or something to get the anger out. Most online relationships are too easy to turn on and off. But, sometimes that's all you've got.
It really is much harder without being able to have that contact or a way to get the feelings out. If I could I would take him with me for a walk, get some sun, I don't know.

And yeah, thinking about my side is also important, the first week of this situation was difficult :(

And I believe you are right. I've already made it clear that I'll be around if he needs me, so I'll send some messages sometimes to check on him, but not too much pressure.

Thank you for your reply!!!
 
You sound like a very supportive person who understands the situation quite well. I guess my only points would be that...

1. Persistent despair is like a dark fog. It's a limiting of cognitive function. The future is grim, the past is grim, the present is grim. Nothing has any taste. Sweet smells don't exist. Everything is grey, no color. So how would you describe the beauty of the red in a red rose, to some one who can't see red? You could do it, I think, but, not in the way you'd tell some one who can actually see reds and other colors. Despair is like a handicap of cognition, emotion, and perception.

2. The, 'problem,' is most likely not, 'mechanical,' and, 'fixable,' it's more likely that it is, 'organic,' and, 'complex and interconnected.' Take a plant for example. It may be suffering from lack of sunlight, lack of water, lack of nutrients, it may be sick, there may be pests, etc.. It may be suffering from all of those things at once, or just one. But whether the problems can be addressed or not at all, is one issue, and the other issue is that, it will take time, and nurturing. it's not like replacing a faulty valve. It's an, 'organic,' problem, rather than a, 'mechanical,' problem (maybe not in all cases, to be sure, but generally, it's probably more likely it's organic).

3. Weigh how important this person is to you. Are they so important that you would bring them on to your boat, to save them from drowning in the seas of their despair, even though your boat will sink if you take them and yourself onboard? So you have to consider how much resources you have. Will you both drown in the end? Or is there room on board your boat for two? Would you be willing to trade places with this person, if they could be healed completely, and you'd be stuck with their condition? Most of us would not, and that is kind of sad and unfortunate, but it's also okay. Not much use in trying to save one person, only for two to perish for the efforts. So, consider what kind of resources you have, what the situation is like, and what that means. This one is tough to think about. I've been on both ends. It's endlessly tiring and exhausting to be pulled down into the quagmire of some one else's stuff, unable to help at every turn. And it's also awful to be clinging to some one's shins, holding on, begging them to have something you need, that they just can't provide in the supply you demand.

---the short of it...---

...So it's a balancing act. Consider your resources, how much energy can you expend? Budget that and budget it well. It will serve the BOTH of you, the better. Remember that this is most likely an, 'organic,' problem, not a fixer type problem. And lastly, consider the ways in which you communicate. For some one who sees only in black and white, you may have to describe colors a bit differently. That beautiful song, or gorgeous sunset, may be beautiful and meaningful to you, but to the person in despair, the beautiful song may sound like clanging brass, and the sunset may look like a muddy puddle; but... maybe, I don't know for sure, if we can find the right medium of communication... Like sign-language for those who are deaf; but, again, that brings us back to the organic nature of things, and the lack of a, 'fix,' and need for a curious, exploratory, adventurous, creative, and nurturing element, rather than our instinctive, 'problem solving,' approach.

Anyway, if that makes any sense...

Best of luck to you and yours.

Lastly, I would say, if the person is some one you deeply care about, trust them a little bit. Trust that they can and will feel better, irrespective of your involvement at all, one way or the other. Maybe just being trusted a bit, and having some one's confidence in us, is enough to rekindle our own natural and innate abilities. :)
 
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During the depression episode I would like to be left alone, but I don't think it is what I realy need.

Maybe tell him you understand and don't need an answer fast? Try to find any topic? Or say you are worried and suggest him to go out at least for some time or have a voice call. Suggest him visit a doctor? Or something that makes him stand up.

I know this feeling you just want to lay in a bed and watch the ceiling. But once I stand up it's getting a little bit easier. So I guess there is no any universal solution. Also in such the crisis I see everythng bad and the situation is terrible and I'm the biggest loose on the Earth, and don't really understand it's an inner problem.

Sorry for a late reply.
Good luck, You're a good friend! I hope you friend is better now, he's lucky to have you.
 
Hi, guys, how are you?
I joined the platform here because I would like to get the opinion of other people, especially people who have already dealt or are dealing with depression.

I have a friend who is going through a depression crisis again, and since we live far away, we talk online every day. But now he is feeling very exhausted, sleeping a lot, not wanting to talk or go out.

I really enjoy talking to him and I'm really worried, so I keep texting him about music or daily stuff, asking how things are going (even though I know I'm sounding repetitive and the answer will be the same)

Sometimes I don't know if I should bring up something, because we've barely spoken in the last few days. I'm afraid that if I talk about my daily life or how things are going, it will sound like I don't care that much about his problem or that I will make him more depressed. But just talking about the problem sounds exhausting to him too.

Sometimes I think about sending more messages, suggesting more music and such, but I'm afraid that it sounds like I'm pressuring him to respond. But I don't care if he answers quickly or not, I just want to be able to show that I'm there and remember him.

If you have ever had a crisis where you wanted to isolate yourself from everything and everyone, how would you like me to act in this situation?
I'm there now, just be constant, you can't force it, let nature happpen
 
That is a fantastic question. Good on you for asking. There have been some great responses, and as expected, they vary. They vary because everyone is different of course. The great thing about you is that you are genuinely concerned and open to how to address the problem. Too many people just "think" they know what's best for someone in that situation, but they have no idea and can make things so much worse. They say things that they think the person wants to hear or be asked, but that's not always a good option.

As for me, I often I just needed, wanted, to be asked out on a outing, a coffee, a meal, watch a movie, and spend some time with someone who just wanted to spend the time with me. I didn't want to "talk things over", or explain how I was feeling, or get anything off my chest. I don't ever like being asked how I am.

Do you have any news for us? I hope things are better.
 

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