I'll never really know what might have been.

[constant stranger]

I'm 62 and I've been living with my mother for the fourteen years since Dad died. May the self righteous, holier than thou, condescending epitome of hypocrisy receive his just rewards begging for mercy in hell.

I walked in on a suicide gesture when I was 5....Mom was out on a ledge and Dad was absent....legitimately, I grant....but absent nevertheless. The 2 older brothers were in hiding.

Nice, eh?

That pattern just kept on repeating itself, over and over, not quite so melodramatically as being 9 floors above the hard pavement though.

It was Mom's and my secret.....for the rest of our lives. and I've been the caregiver and helpmate of a family that's barely been functional all these decades. Doing what Dad should have done, though I admit he did pursue his corporate career pretty well.....his hobbies too.

And he despised me for it......

I'm always going to wonder: If Mom jumped instead of tumbling back to my beckoning 5 year old self, would it have been a better life?

And if I'd pursued the career I wanted after college instead of coming back to help after Mom's heart attack, would it have been a better life?

I'll never know now, will I?

 

[dd11]

That is a difficult situation for sure. And a lot to place on a child's plate. None of us can ever know what could have been. But you have Today. Which is all any of us have. Its not too late to find happiness.

 

[mickey]

You sacrificed your life in order to take care of your mother. In my view that has value. The fact that you sacrificed so much only makes it all the more valuable. I don't want to be a hypocrite and praise altruism just because another person's altruism benefits people other than that person, which means it indirectly benefits me, while involving hardship for that person; but I still admire you for the decision you made and the life you've lived.

 

[Tiina63]

As delledoone says, none of us can know if it would have been a better life, but in my heart of hearts I don't think it would have been. Small children blame themselves for anything which goes wrong in their world and to see your mother commit suicide would have been so horrendous. A little child would think that they had been naughty or that they were unlovable and that this had caused it, because they don't yet have the maturity to see beyond themselves. Even as an adult and able to see that you were not responsible, would not have taken away the damage done to you as a child if your mother had killed herself in front of you when you were five.
You have been so kind, so loving a son to your troubled mother. I understand completely your wondering if you could have made a better life for yourself because being a carer is extremely hard. But I admire and respect you so much. I was a carer for several years and found it hard, but you have done it for decades. I also understand your feelings towards your father.

 

[HoodedMonk]

(hugs)

 

[constant stranger]

Thank you all for reaching out with kindness.

And Tiina, you raise an excellent point....all this time I've considered various scenarios like Dad remarrying a really cool stepmother; a horrid stepmother; packing us off to boarding school; leaving Hong Kong which I loved very much growing up in.....and I actually have not wondered about that particular morning in 1958, had she jumped.....that would truly have been a thousand times worse. Almost 6 decades later, and you've given me another point of view to consider. Thank you for that, Tiina63.

 

[SofiasMami]

I don't know what your life would have been like if your mother actually jumped that day. I have a friend whose mother committed suicide when she was 5. To this day, she blames herself. Kids have a unique and amazing ability to blame themselves for bad things that happen to their parents.
I fantasize a lot about what might have been if I chose other paths instead or was born to different parents. I bet a lot of people over a certain age have those thoughts too. Anyone over 40 who says they have no such thoughts or no regrets in life is a liar, in my opinion. But looking back on the twists and turns in the road just makes life more interesting.

-Teresa

 

[constant stranger]

You're so right, Teresa! "If only we could go back and know what we know now....". EVERY person past a certain age is going to wish for that!

As to that morning in 1958, I may as well believe that my family is very, very lucky that she tumbled back instead of lurching forward.......

Also, I too fantasize a lot about what might have been, had I chosen different paths. I guess that's OK so long as what's imagined doesn't become blurred with what's real.

 

[TheRealCallie]

You're so right, Teresa! "If only we could go back and know what we know now....". EVERY person past a certain age is going to wish for that!

Actually, I don't and won't in the future. The things that happened to me made me who I am. If anything were to change in my past, I may not be where I am today and I may not have my children or my house or anything else that is a part of me.

You can't know how something would have turned out if something was done differently, however, I will echo whoever said that children tend to blame themselves. If you had seen your mother jump, you would blame yourself. Yes, your life would likely have been much different, but could you get beyond it if she had done it? Be careful what you wish for, because you never know if it would have been better, it could have been worse.

But, what's stopping you from going to college now? There are many courses that you can take online, if you don't think you could do campus classes. It's never too late. My dad just went to college a few years ago for a few classes to get promoted at work.

 

[Arachne]

It is to painful for me to tell of my own experience. As traumatic, painful and self interest of your mother to do such a thing. She didn't which meant that her five year old precious little man and even your brothers meant more to her then her own demons.

We all have felt that way CS. However, as much as I find myself wondering about the road not taken. I still would not want to travel down it. For I would loose what or who I am today.

Instead take peace in who you are now. For I see a wonderful man with a true spirit of giving and that my friend is becoming rare these days. Bright Blessings ^.^