Im a cutter and Im proud.

[betteroffdead]

Hi guys, ive been cutting on and off since 7th grade now. To be honest, in 7th grade it was for attention mostly. Then in 8th grade, things started happening with my family, I had to leave school, and I had no contact with my best friend. i know is sounds silly, but shes really the only person I talked to when I had something bothering me. A month before this happened, i just slightly cut. Then when it did happen, it went from scratches, to tearing layers of skin off with my fingernails, to burning myself.
In 9th grade, I finally got together with one of my good friends, and she made me so happy. It was almost 10 months i went without cutting. Then, we broke up, honeysuckle really went bad. I burned my arms with cigarettes and incense sticks. Then i cut up my thighs with a saw blade knife. After a month of that, things calmed down.
Im in 10th grade now. 3 months ago, I started going under a wave of mild depression. I Probably cut my shoulders 2 or 3 times, thats all Then a month ago, I started really feeling shitty. I felt worthless, unattractive, and better off dead. That never really went away. 2 weeks ago, I started realizing me and my best friend, (the same girl i mentioned from 8th grade) were starting to drift. (we werent, depression just made it seem that way). Thats when suicidal thoughts started kicking in.
Yesterday, I was sitting in class, waiting to get out to meet my friend. i wasnt sure what it was, but I knew something was about to go down. Before I knew it, I tore skin off of my hand. The bell finally rang, and I left.

Heres the part I never mentioned and probably should have. The friend I keep mentioning, well, I ******* love her. it started in 3rd grade when she was the fist girl I had a really big crush on. then she moved. I missed her, but i forgot about her. I still thought about her every once in a while. Then, we met again in middle school. Thats when we became best friends. Since then, I progressively liked her more and more, until it was fair to say that I loved her.

Anyway, As Im walking through the hallway to meet her, Im thinking about how much I love her. Thats when she tells me she has a new boyfriend. Yayyyy. It made me so happy I almost started crying like a little *offensive word removed* right there.

I got home that day and added 2 decent sized burns on my wrist, a couple bruises on my chest from beating myself, a couple shallow cuts on my arm, and a cigarette burn on my palm.

And Now, as Im typing this, I feel fine. I havent cut since. I felt down all day, but not too horribly down. Im glad shes with someone because I think she should be happy.
that dosent mean Ill never cut again, it just means Im not cutting now. But I dont care. Im realizing now that i dont care about cutting. its not a big deal. scars are scars, thats all. I feel no shame and Ill emotionlessly admit, that Im a cutter.

Does anyone have any other similar (or not) situations they want to share?
thoughts? Ideas?
Im open to any kind of criticism, be open and tell me what you honestly think.

 

[Callie]

Cutting IS a big deal and most definitely not something to be proud of (that's just my 2 cents, of course). You are hurting yourself and it can be extremely dangerous. Have you ever tried to get help so you don't have to abuse yourself anymore?

Also, welcome to the forum.

 

[betteroffdead]

My my parents tried getting me to see a therapist, but that didnt help. How is it suck a big deal? I dont see it.

 

[Dark_Poet]

Hi!

I'm also a self harmer. I never did it for attention to my knoledge, though, that doesn't make it any better or worse. Cutting is a dangerous way to deal with the world. I really encourage you to try and find a more constructive manner to allow yourself to heal. Not everyone will find the same method effective. I'll give you a few examples though:

1. Scream it out
2. Use a pillow or something soft as a punching bag
3. Write your feelings out
4. I would put on angry music and pretend I was in a one person mosh pit sometimes
5. Draw
6. Call someone and say I need to talk (You don't have to say it's because you want to SI)
7. Exercise (They say the releasing of endorphins can help)
8. Hop onto a chat room online or vent on a forum (You're already at one )

There are so many methods to try. I'm happy you've stopped harming yourself lately, but the battle isn't over if you feel you're still capable of SI'ing. You deserve to love yourself for the person that you are. The world may not always give us what we'd like, it just makes things all the more sweeter when we do get them!

I apologize for coming off so preachy. I just want to give you options for the next time you might feel this way. Just trying to be helpful!

Take care and have a wonderful day! (hug)

 

[Felix]

^yes, that good advice, I'd say you at least try to find some other way to process pain and frustrations in your lfe.

 

[SophiaGrace]

I guess it's better than being ashamed because being ashamed doesn't really do much for ya.

I don't like hearing you are hurting yourself though.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Please refrain from using derogatory terms.

 

[LoneKiller]

*Im open to any kind of criticism, be open and tell me what you honestly think.*

First off. I am truly sorry to hear what you are going through. I'm not here to judge you in any way. You are a poor soul who is sick right now, and needs help, but being someone who has cut themselves bad enough to be rushed to the ER, I'm a little pissed off at your choice of words for the title of this thread. How on earth could you be proud of what you are doing to yourself?!

How in the hell am I supposed to summon any decent level of sympathy for you after reading the title of this thread?! Why would you choose those words when what you are posting about is a very, very serious dilemma in your life that is shared by millions of other poor souls around the world. I'm not trying to be a prick, but I'm sick and tired of people doing this to themselves. It's a Goddamn shame, and it hurts me, because I've experienced what you are going through.

This might sound unusual, but I care very much about everyone here. I hate seeing people suffer. You are fixing to go down hard.
Self mutilation progresses over time until it gets to the point where these cuts become much deeper and bloodier, then fatal.

You have to examine yourself on a much deeper and honest level, or you are going to die. There's no two ways about it. You will die. Find reasons to respect yourself. Do things that make you love yourself and others on a healthy and positive level.

It's going to be hard as fresia, but you have to do it. There's no other way. At the rate you are going, your death is not going to be a pretty end for you. Please do whatever you can to find a reason to love yourself. When you do find it, you will experience joy in your life of the greatest magnitude.

In closing, I'm not trying to hurt you or judge you, but you have to deal with this, and fast brother.
I'll do anything I can to help you.

 

[Tiina63]

Hello. I am a cutter as well. Cutting IS a very big deal. The fact you are in so much pain and are not able to cope with it in a less drastic way shows you need help both to deal with your pain and to develop better coping mechanisms.
When it comes to pride, the only pride I feel re. cutting is that it has stopped me from killing myself, because it has reduced my inner pain to a level where I could just about hang on.

 

[nerdygirl]

As I read your post, I have my doubts. You see, you entitled this, "I'm a cutter and I'm proud" but then you explain that self mutilation is not a big deal. If something is unimportant, or at least "not a big deal" to you, you won't be proud of it. So it seems obvious to me that you're hoping to evoke a certain type of response. I'm just not sure what it is.

Either way, if you are harming yourself, please attempt to find another outlet.

 

[Jilted John]

What she said.

 

[betteroffdead]

Please refrain from using derogatory terms.

Im really sorry, I dodnt mean to offend anyone. For the record, when I say f*****, I dont mean it as a slur against gay people. I mean it as myself being a wimpy crybaby. I feel like if its used in this context enough, it can leave its other meaning as a hate term. I really didnt mean to offend. Im so sorry...

 

[LoneKiller]

Please refrain from using derogatory terms.

Im really sorry, I dodnt mean to offend anyone. For the record, when I say f*****, I dont mean it as a slur against gay people. I mean it as myself being a wimpy crybaby. I feel like if its used in this context enough, it can leave its other meaning as a hate term. I really didnt mean to offend. Im so sorry...

Don't worry about it friend. I'm sure that when we get to know you a little better, these little misunderstandings that can cause friction will disappear.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Please refrain from using derogatory terms.

Im really sorry, I dodnt mean to offend anyone. For the record, when I say f*****, I dont mean it as a slur against gay people. I mean it as myself being a wimpy crybaby. I feel like if its used in this context enough, it can leave its other meaning as a hate term. I really didnt mean to offend. Im so sorry...

Don't use the word. Period, in any context.

 

[Ak5]

You shouldn't be proud of cutting, and I'm glad you aren't right now. Find other ways, like Dark_Poet said, to let out your pain.

I personally believe you should find a professional to talk to. Sometimes, things like this can be like a ticking time-bomb. You may not be cutting now, but given your history, it's possible you will in the future, next time some unfortunate predicament comes up.