Improvement journal...

[IgnoredOne]

Dear Journal,

So tired.

Chess

Tried some advanced puzzles. I don't think my mind was totally there, though.

Social
Was a bit scared of people today, though I got over it. I have this theory now that a phobia is like a disease - you can't ever totally cure it, but you can treat it and send it into remission. I think mine is in remission, but it still comes back sometimes.

Literary

Wrote up the script for Cybergothika.

Technical
Worked on a few practice exams.

CONCLUSION:

Sleep is good.

Regards,
IO

 

[Skorian]

Social
Was a bit scared of people today, though I got over it. I have this theory now that a phobia is like a disease - you can't ever totally cure it, but you can treat it and send it into remission. I think mine is in remission, but it still comes back sometimes.

This is sort of my theory. Only I do think you can cure it in a way. Well sort of. The only question is how exactly. Current mainstream medicine I don't think understands it very well and their treatments are often the wrong way I think. I also wonder just how genetic it really is. So many people today are suffering from it that I suspect there is some cause behind it. Some people are just healthier or are more resistent. Probably many factors all play a role and work together.

Can you even imagine the 60-70's today? People seemed so happy back then. So happy that some of them even decided to live in tent cities. Our society is so much colder now. We do things I don't think they would even have accepted then.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Dear Journal,

Much less tired and generally happier; its nice to finally feel like I'm back on my game, though there is so much to do.

Chess

Began playing a few chess games again today, and it seems that I'm a little bit out of practice.

Social
Had a very wonderful night with my beloved girl. She seemed to be a bit surprised when I paused trying to push her to get more physical to me, about halfway through the night, which was adorable. But I do like her for qualities above the collarbone, so that often involves just talking to her.

Literary

Wrote up Taurus Tactical Technology.

Technical
Written lab.

CONCLUSION:

Sleep is good.

Regards,
IO

 

[IgnoredOne]

Dear Journal,

So much to say, bbut the words do not seem to flow nearly as easily as I would like them to be. I think that my relationship is over, and though I know it was through no fault of my own, I can't deny that it saddens me some. She's a good person, but to be honest, in the end, her issues and blocks were her own. Inasmuch as I tried to help her, she has to defeat them herself. I'm only a boyfriend, not a therapist. One could argue that such roles are mutually exclusive.

I do wish her well, though.

I never realized how much she was fleeing her own personal demons until now. I only admired her for her achivements, without realizing that they were, in many ways, a symptom of her attempts to avoid her past. I partially hoped that avoidance would work for her, and that she could simply move on by pretending that nothing has happened. Apparently it didn't, and it bled in to poison our relationship in the end.

Chess

None.

Social

Read above. They say to do one thing a day that scares me, and I think that enduring this is pretty scary already. Though I'm not really that disturbed, so perhaps I should get out more.

Literary

None. Yeah, yeah, I suck.

Technical

Hahahaha! I passed my exam today, if only by three points. I am officially licensed. Booyah!

CONCLUSION:

Keeping busy keeps me happy.

Regards,
IO

 

[IgnoredOne]

Can you even imagine the 60-70's today? People seemed so happy back then. So happy that some of them even decided to live in tent cities. Our society is so much colder now. We do things I don't think they would even have accepted then.

Nostalgia colors all things into a positive light.

The 60s were a time of great unrest and struggle - it is not an accident that the civil rights movement occurred them. The counterculture, was in may ways, a rebellion against the 50s.

The 70s was the era of the final tightening of the Cold War. As the decade that hosted the Vietnam war, it was anything but entertaining.

Nonetheless, both decades had their highlights. At the least, while the presence of the enemy was there and the culture of fear was very much in place(America never regained the optimism of the 20s), at least we know who our enemies were.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Dear Journal,

I feel glad. Though I don't think there is such a thing as happiness. Maybe totally giving up is the answer, for without the agony of aspiration and hope, my expectations seem so much easier to fulfill.

Chess

Lost a game today, though it was close. Need to catch up.

Social

Everything is well, though I've been a little bit introverted.

Literary

I finished two stories for my editor!

Technical

Licensed, booyah. Looking to take on the next exam.

CONCLUSION:

The less idle I am, the more content I am.

Regards,
IO

 

[IgnoredOne]

Dear Journal,

Nothing too much to announce today, beyond the fact that I've decided to go for another license to keep myself busy. I'm pretty much cosigning my relationship to death, though there seems to be another one waiting for me.

Its interesting, though, with this other girl. For most of the time when I knew her, I didn't like her at all since she said that she was "perfect" and that attitude doesn't sit well with me. Two things changed my perception of her - one, where she began to like me(<3) and said that I was amazingly talented, and coming to realize that her talents were because of her many misfortunes as well. She was a talented ballerina once, but then had to stop because she broke her toe. Then she began a promising figure skater, and had to stop when she broke her ankle. Yet she just kept going on, tryng other things when paths closed to her. That really impresses me.

And she said something to me that resonated. "When a door closes, another two windows open."

Beautiful.

Chess

I really need to work on this. No progress.

Social

Well, I stood up for myself once when the manager of a restaurant tried to argue with me for the validation of a coupon. I got my way, too, which is awesome.

Literary

Working on another story now, this one for publishing.

Technical

Taking the next path for professional certification.

CONCLUSION:

Fruit teas are good.

Regards,
IO

 

[IgnoredOne]

Dear Journal,

Hello there.

I guess my relationship isn't that dead after all? I put my foot down with girl about how I felt that I wasn't being treated with respect, and while she said that she didn't understand what I meant, she did begin to come closer to me again.

Sometimes you just have to stand up for yourself. Others appreciate that in you more than you realize; and ultimately, its all about the attitude. Being able to tell her that I wanted more from her without being angry or irrational was the important part: "I'm not mad at you, however, I do wish you realize what you are doing."

Chess

Played three, won three. I'm ranked professionally now.

Social

See above.

Literary

Finished a story.

Technical

Studied a chapter.

CONCLUSION:

Start the day with a list of things to do.

Regards,
IO

 

[DigitxGeno]

Your journal, it inspires me.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Your journal, it inspires me.

At long last, the writer has also become the muse.

Regards,
IO

 

[IgnoredOne]

Dear Journal,

I accomplished insanely little today, to be honest. Apparently if I'm not presented with a roadmap of what to do when I begin my day, I lost track and easily end up drifting. In my case, I spent all of today writing and doing very little else.

Chess

Nada.

Social

Typical pleasant maintenance of my relationship - I was actually writing and didn't expect to hear anything from her. She was going to evening class, so chances were that I wouldn't be seeing her today. Nonetheless, she left a message saying that, explaining exactly why she wouldn't be around, and added a kissing sound.

That was nice.

Literary

Every now and then I realize that I needed to get out of my writing rut - sometimes it takes inspiration, sometimes it takes a kick to the ass, and sometimes it takes my rival to taunt me.

5000 words today.

Technical

No effort.

CONCLUSION:

Sleep is good.

Regards,
IO

 

[IgnoredOne]

Dear Journal,

Dosing on caffiene yesterday did help get my productivity quotient up by a significant margin, but I did not appreciate the aftereffects. So I went with only two cups of expresso today, and I think that I've been doing much better.

Chess

Hahaha. Still can't believe that after such a long hiatus, I thought to try again and was ranked against a 1500 player. I figured that I was basically boned, but I'll give it my best shot anyway. Out of seven games, I lost two immediately, but decided to keep going. The next two against the player I finally learned to correct the recklessness in my attacks and managed to checkmate him beautifully twice. By his third loss to me, he was scared and asked if I would be willing to accept a draw if we would stop playing.

Since I was tired and I still didn't feel that confident against such a high ranked player, I accepted it.

But yes. This is awesome. I drew a tie against a expert, just short of a master.

Social

Hope that girl is not too mad at me for my sorta ignoring her yesterday night. Otherwise, all is good, and I'm reminded how by being confident significantly helps almost all my interactions. I was snacking with my puppy near an to-rent storefront. The security apparently decided to be douchebags and drive over to stare at me, so I waved and smiled happily at them.

They drove away **** fast. Apparently they prefer to do the staring, rather than be stared at.


Literary

Haven't done that much today.

Technical

Read two chapters. But its hard to find the time.

CONCLUSION:

I'm starting to believe that I'm assigning too much for me to do in a single day. Perhaps at my most caffienated, I can complete all the tasks that I've set forth for myself, but it seems unlikely that I can do so normally - especially sacrificing four or so hours to "spending time with the girlfriend." Given that I'm only awake for sixteen hours, its pretty obvious that a relationship is a major drain on time and takes almost a quarter of my potential productive hours.

But then again, I enjoy every moment with her, so I probably can't really cut it down by that much. Plus, she probably would expect it. It'll be better if I can organize my working hours better. I'm not sure - any advice? Maybe I can try to shuffle our "together" time to a few days and skip Tuesday and Thursdays since she has evening classes then anyway?

Regards,
IO

 

[IgnoredOne]

Dear Journal,

Every day is a new chance, but I thnk that I also realized something else yesterday. One of the reasons why I seem to be consistently trapped in the same mold are certain subconscious urges and motivators that cause me to go down the same alleyways in my life, so to speak.

My conscious mind seems to have much less in the way of actual decisisonmaking than I would like to think that it does. I wonder why this is the case: perhaps there is a certain comfort in just surrendering to my usual automatic behvior rather than having to use rationality to make most of my decisions.

And if my behavior isn't that easy to change(or potentially immutable), I imagine that the next best thng is to find what influences or triggers it so that I may be able to better guide it in a way that is useful for me.

So, the first thing for me to realize is that I, like everyone else, work for a reward of happiness. But what really gives me happiness? Quite often, I find it in video games, but why? What is it about games in general that gives us this certain high?

I believe the reason is simply the concept of achieveable challenges. Games provide us with a set of rules that can be more or less easily comprehended, with frequent reinforcements of "advancement" or "completion" to provide a sense of accomplishment. So the easiest way for me to motivate myself according to my behavior is to find other challenges, subdivide them enough so that I'll be able to complete them, and quickly complete them.

Chess

I wonderi f my newfound comrpehension of chess has something to do with my awareness of myself. Nonetheless, while I was able to solve three chess puzzles today, I did not fair that well against expert level players. I lost both games, but did make a fair to good showing for myself.

Social

I think the girl is drawing away, but its hardly my fault. Her main relationship has always been with her schoolwork, not me, so I imagine that if that ever relents on her, Ill get more attention.

Literary

5000 words.

Technical

Worked hard on one chapter, plus associated web reading. Its not fun, though.

CONCLUSION:

Consciousness is wonderful; the slight pressure of constant awareness is not so much. My mentor called this a variety of names, including "waking up from the Matrix", but it doesn't make it any less uncomfortable at times. When I realize that I am responsible for all my choices, it also brings upon me the responsibility for everything that happens to me. My happiness or unhappiness, my loneliness or companionship, my success or failure - they are all dependent on me, and I cannot blame anyone else for them.

Its a heavy burden to bear, this realization that my own fate and future falls fully upon my shoulders.

Regards,
IO

 

[IgnoredOne]

Dear Journal,

Its not always easy to tame myself - really, my most fundamental foe. Right now, for example, I find myself working against a supreme oppressive timer that consistently ticks away while feeling the pangs of a certain panic rise in my chest. A panic spurred by factors which are really beyond my control and thoroughly irrational, but such is life, no?

That said, I've certainly made some efforts to meet up with more people and spend a wonderful dinner with a woman(a distant ex-acquaintance) who might beinstrument in increasing my publishing. While I was hoping for it to be completely business originally, she was such a delightful and poetic soul that I'm quite glad to meet her again.

Chess

I spent all day working and fell asleep for thirty minutes as soon as I got back home. That makes it difficult for me to practice with chess, though I plan to do so as soon as I finish this journal entry.

Social

Same as before with girl. Haven't seen her for an entire day night, and hoping for the best. Usually she shows up on a Friday night, so we might be able to patch things up again for another night.

Literary

Planning to storycluster a bunch.

Technical

Haven't done anything.

CONCLUSION:

Richard St. John's eight rules of success:

1) Work what is your passion.
2) Work hard.
3) Be good at what you do.
4) Focusing yourself on one thing.
5) Push yourself. Push, push, push.
6) Service others.
7) Ideas.
8) Perserverence.

Regards,
IO

 

[IgnoredOne]

Dear Journal,

Time to reckon my accomplishments and failures thus far.

Chess

Since the beginning of the journal, I've been able to improve my game substantially. I suppose that this is not surprising given the fact that this is where I've been able to stick to my schedule most consistently. I think it helped that I had a two-pronged approach to this objective - even in the days when I didn't have time or the inclination to play a game of chess, I could always find a chess puzzle to test myself against.

Social

I don't feel that I have many problems here, although I haven't made that much progress here either? I haven't challenge myself enough, so I think that I should make an active effort to find more to challenge myself with.

Following what I worked with chess, I ought to find something very easy to contact all the time. But what could that be socially?

Literary

I made the least amount of progress here, most likely because even my minimal objectives required a substantial amount of time. I should bench myself of even smaller, specific objectives and work from there.

Technical

Well, I did pass an exam. However, its hard to organize my time to study something which I generally find unpleasant. Perhaps I should just time myself a few pages at a time.

CONCLUSION:

I love challenges. Achieveable challenges and overcoming them are truly the one thing that really makes me happy. That said, I also get disappointed and frustrated easily. So possibly the best thing to do to deal with my flaws, especially procrastination, is to keep working on very small goals.

Regards,
IO

 

[IgnoredOne]

Dear Journal,

Something interesting that I learned today is that while many of our physical talents are limited by the obvious and evident physical limitations of our bodies; but researchers found that contrary to expectations and even common sense, mental skills display no such upper limit. In one study, for example, the participants found themselves able to add over 1000 equations with mental math through dedicated practice and they were still improving. To me, that's very promising. I certainly love the idea of infinite horizons, or at the least, very vast horizons to grow in.

The research also found that slow, brief intervals of study spread over a long period of time to be by far the most effective method of real long-term learning. A group that studied only 1 hour a day for over 80 days learned their material better than a group that studied 2 hours a day over 55 days, in spite of the fact that the latter group actually had to put in more hours. Tragically, however, our mental perception is never levied to favor the "small interval" approach, and group satisfaction with the small interval population was always the lowest of all tested samples.

Funny how we seem to dislike what's good and effective for us, eh?

I'm going to try to update this daily, so I can try to take advantage of the small increment method of learning.



Chess

I'm obviously a better player now, but far from invincible. Today, I won three games against equal or lesser opponents, but also lost three against generally better opponents. I've been concentrating on playing Black with the one-tempo disadvantage. I've noticed a few particular weaknesses of mine that go along with the strengths.

1) No real defensive theory. Perhaps because I was so focus on developing well as white, my defensive theory is virtually nonexistent. I tend to try to mirror white, which can easily lead to disaster.

2) Complications can confuse me. Which is very dangerous as I play black, which requires increasingly labyrinthe constructions of positional play in order to do so and overcome white's natural advantages.

3) Weak pawn play. While I've improved greatly with the use of pawns, my general understanding of foundational theorem is still pitiable. By foundation theory, I mean the use of pawns as the "support" for my pieces, supporting my gradual positional play for advantage. I still use pawns mostly as fillers to attack or as levers to unearth enemy positions. Both of these are very valid, and certainly helepd me as White, but the most defensive play with Black requires me to understand how to take an oncoming charge and not buckle.

Social

Perhaps a little bit of regress? I haven't been following my schedule nearly as well as I should have, and I found myself becoming dependent and reliant on someone again. I really should not allow myself to form emotional attachments like these, as they are inherently unsafe and quite frankly, unhealthy to trust someone else with your own emotional welfare.

So I promise myself not to become attached. More importantly, I need to just avoid her for awhile so I can't allow myself to become attached. Its not that I don't want the sense of connection, but its just not healtthy for me. And I need to protect myself.

Literary

Duress is the motivator of many great things, and this includes actually coming to write. Among the other agents that I've employed to move me and actually get myself back into shape for this skill is to simply put down words on a piece of paper and attend more sedulously to the idea of filling up writing notebooks.

The important part is not to edit, but also to let th words flow free as quickly as possible. Its important to realize that while I do write for an audience and that I do write to get a response, I also need to allow myself to be immerse in the joy of creation that is writing. Because if you don't, then you'll become completely reactionary to the audience and inevitably come to disappoint the audience. A writer must be creative, he must show initiative and he must be daring in some manner or another to strike a chord that is at the least, memorable even if it is not in a good way.

So in this, I am going to change my goals to writing 2000 words a day regardless of quality. What matters is bulk, and I feel that my quality does come along with it. This experience is something that I've already known, but I seem to often forget these small crystals of wisdom.

Technical

Going to try that slow but sure method that I mentioned above

CONCLUSION:

I don't know what I can put for a conclusion here except that I'm feeling a bit uneasy about everything. I'm trying to be happy and pleased with my progress in my life, and I'm trying to be flexible about my own relationship. But i don't know. I feel like I'm missing something, and perhaps I'm clinging to what shouldn't be clung to. Perhaps I'm putting trust in what I should not. And I need to never appear weak, that I realize, or else the world /will/ consume me.

Weakness is the most unforvigeable sin of all in a man, I remember L once telling me. Ah, so true.

Regards,
IO

 

[IgnoredOne]

Dear Journal,

Developing the same thought from yesterday, I think that I might have been mistaken about specialization in life. Once, I figured that it was necessary to essentially sacrifice other opportunities in one's life in order to be good at anything. It seemed like a logical belief, after all, as common sense dictates that we have to be either a master of one trade or a clueless fumbler of all trades. I'm sorry, did I say fumbler? I meant jack of all trades.

Tsk. Disgraceful fingers.

But after some study and plenty of experimentation on myself, I think that its actually very possible for someone to acquire multiple skills simultaneously and that's may be the best way to go about learning. This is an incredibly superficial consideration of it, but basically my understanding approaches this:

1) Our brains respond less well to focused study over a small period of time than to diffuse study over longer periods for time, so improvement is best done by just concentrating on various different topics

2) Although this will take longer in actual days, it will actually take less time - a seeming paradox that I'll explain shortly. I'm not sure if I mentioned it yesterday, but a study group found that the group that spend two hours a day on a topic for 55 days learned less well than the group that spend one hour a day for 80 days. So essentially while the first group took more days to study, they only spent 80 hours overall, while the control studied 110 hours overall with less effect.

3) An obvious caveat is that, "So what if I study more hours a day and put in more days of study in my chosen area of knowledge?" Well, that obviously works. Its just not very satisfying and the return of investment regarding knowledge for time isn't as good as if you had planned it out earlier. However, if you absolutely have to cram, it does work.

4) The best way to maximize improvement in a single area, then, would be to develop several different but related skills that concern the area. For example, to maximize my development in areas of creative writing, I focused on just filling out as many notebooks as possible, building my vocabulary, plotting story seeds and learning how to type faster. Most applied knowledge tends to draw from several sources of personal information as it is, so it is useful to learn in the same manner as well.



Chess

I've found another way to learn about chess theory - from various YouTube videos produced by "GreenCastleBlock" or Matt Polland. He's a 1900 player, which is just short of the Masters, and is comfortably graded as a Class A player.

Now that I have a better grasp of the fundamentals, his videos have become far more useful in understanding the overall theories behind chess play and especially the nuances of positional play, one of the bugaboos which have consistently plagued me in the past.

But that's just theory, and as I've come to establish over the last few dozen journal entries, theory is just a few steps short of useless without application. I played a 1500 player today, and lost 1-2 in three games. Nonetheless, I remain inordinarily pleased in my first win and am glad that even in my lost games, I often maintained a consistent threat upon my opponent.

Some thoughts about my play:

1) I've been focusing on playing Black so I can understand the principles behind the Defences. This has forced me to use my pawns much more, realizing both the weaknesses and the strengths of having a good foundation. It is true - every single pawn move creates both strength and weakness and between all but the most beginning of players, good use of pawns decide the game. I won my first game in spite of being a piece down because by deeply advancing my d-pawn, it forced my opponent to use both of rooks in a defensive instead of an offensive role. The final winning play:

27) ... d2

I push my pawn to threaten Queening on the next turn. The pawn had a rook defender, so my opponent had no easy way of taking the pawn. The most direct way would be an attack on the pawn with the rook, which would cause him to exchange a rook for a pawn.

28) Rd1 Be6

White blocks the queening square with his rook, but I respond by sending a rook. I move to threaten Bishop attacking that rook via g4.

29)Rb2 Rc1+!

White moves up his other rook to destroy the pawn and then threaten doubling up his rooks. I have no real way of stopping him, as I lack any way of defending the pawn twice.

But! I have a much stronger plan. With my rook moving into the neighboring square and checking his king at a1, this gives me a win.

30) Rxc1 dxc1++

White has to take my checking rook with his rook. I take his rook back with my pawn, promoteing into a queen, and instantly smothering the White king behind his pawns.

This game also demonstrates the importance of tempo. Had White been one move faster, I would have lost the game as his rooks doubled up on the d file. But because of the gambits made earlier where I gave away my pieces for positional advantage, it allowed me to cause sudden death and halt the game.

Social

I believe that things are working out between betwen me and the girl after I had a rather stern talk with her. I somewhat regret how I have to be so with her, but I think that's important that she never takes me for granted in her life. Maybe it'll be enough to allow me to trust her and depend on her.

Otherwise, however, I ought to set more goals for myself socially. I'm not doing poorly, and haven't had much in the way of my usual social anxiety. So I ought to search for more challenges.

Literary

Well, I've been writing more here, haven't I? I've been following my schedule slightly more religiously, though my major foe continues to be procrastination. I fell asleep today during the afternoon due to exhaustion, so that knocked my schedule off somewhat. Still, I fully intend to attend to my schedule.

Heaven knows that I can't delay this for much longer.

Technical

The slow but sure method is working a lot better, but by God it is slow. I also realized that another problem in my studying was that I did not have many opportunities to actually work on it, hands-on, or try to solve problems in a realistic trouble shooting manner that involved activities. And I'm certainly a very hands-on learner,

CONCLUSION:

There's one thing which I haven't mentioned here which probably ought to be: I've also been working out a lot more regularly and have been taking to wearing a watch. Working out is just an easy way to feel great and reinforce the connection between effort and improvement(and yes, pain). The latter is probably more symbolic than real, as I have other means of checking for my time.

Oh, and yeah, Alizee is hot. I know, I'm three years behind, but its not like I get to see a lot of French songtesses in the US.

Regards,
IO

 

[IgnoredOne]

Dear Journal,

Was it already two days since I last wrote to this journal? Time does flit swiftly, and the urge to hesitate is powerful. At the same time, I've learned that in lieu of any particular risks, action is invariably better than inaction. Heck, to develop that line of thought, action is almost invariably better than inaction even when there is actual risk involved - since if you fail, I'll probably just learn from it. Obvious, there are some risks that one shouldn't take, such as anything that could result in instant death, but so as long as you'll be mostly together afterward, I think that almost all risks are worth taking.

There's an advantage just in taking action that goes beyond the rationale of, "Well, if I don't try, I don't know if I'll succeed." Quite often, simply by trying, I find ways of success that I couldn't have comprehended before. A single example is how I write - I've been feel in a creative drought as of late, and finding most of my attempts to think creatively frustrated. So I went to one of my old standby lines: "writing is thinking, so put it down." I found the nearest empty piece of paper(well, actually opened a winword document) and just randomly began pattering away my thoughts and speculations on it. Within moments, I found myself absorbed and capable of developing significantly from what I was writing. I felt, dare I say, creative?

Of course, when facing more structured challenges, that principle can't just be applied at face value. This doesn't necessarily undermine the principle that action is better than inaction, only proves that all rules have their exceptions and that life cannot be quantified by five word blurb.

So what do I mean by structured challenges? Well, chess, for example.

Chess

Truly, learning from specific examples and analysis is probably the best theoretical study that one can do. After studying several Master level games, and analyzing the variations on the moves taken, in particular following a YouTube video that actually circled all the potential threats. Very cool. I think that I'm more of a visual learner than anything else.

So! Application went well, winning against two players in six games of equivilent skill level. One thing that I've learned as Black is to take my time, and this is exactly what I meant by structured challenges. Since chess is a game intimately defined by its rules with an opponent actively working against you, while moving a piece is almost always better than not moving a piece, its often better to just play defensively. Namely, take the idea of an advantegeous stalemate: if you have deeply deployed several pieces into the enemy territory and the enemy doesn't seem to have a way to dislodge you, but neither do you have of attacking the enemy in a meaningful way? Then just maintain your positional advantage and keep developing more material.

Of course, a great part of chess is just being able to look ahead several moves. Now that I've understood the principle behind that, it becomes increasingly second nature and I believe that it'll become more ingrained in me the more that I play.


Social

Ahh, dependancy is a vulnerability. I also think that sometimes that relationships begin to become an entity of their own, and I find myself trying to maintain them for the sake of the continuation of the relationship rather than anything that I'm getting from it. Its a tricky balance, of course, and there are no easy answers to anything.

Ultimately, I think its just about having good emotional boundaries while being caring, loving someone else without losing your identity, and knowing when to call your partner on something when she is doing something that is hurting you(and the entire relationship).

It is in the end, a challenge. And yes, a challenge that I can lose at. But its also something to learn from, so I have no regret for loving.

Literary

Ever since I've just taken to writing without editing myself obsessively, I think that I have both displayed an increase in quality as well as quantity. That's not too bad, I'll say. It helps that I have also been practicing my typing as well, so that's a concurrent skillset that I can learn without burning out. I've written yesterday that its better to learn a number of skills in small increments rather than in a single long session - its definitely been working for me, I believe.

Technical

Very slow, I have to say. Slow certainly learns you the material, but its going at a catapiller's pace unless I can also accompany it with more hands-on or visualization material. It might also help if I have some sort of way of making it into a challenge. Actually having a smidgen of an interest might help, too.

CONCLUSION:

In the tradition of many Russians, I'll use chess analogies and apply them to life. In chess, its considered as both incredibly risky as well as incredibly powerful to put pieces en prise, namely undefended and vulnerable to enemy attack. Its even more so to put multiple pieces en prise, but quite a few dramatic checkmates were done doing eactly that.

What does this mean in life? Its risky to have take on multiple projects without completing them, but its definitely very rewarding in every level to be able to complete it. But the risk must be taken in mind, because if you do exceed your limits, you will collapse under the weight of the responsibilities that you've put upon yourself.

Regards,
IO