Independent but sort of lonely

[Zante]

I consider myself a person who can amuse myself. I have a boyfriend who is sort of a homebody like myself and we don't have a huge number of friends but get out to parties and other things here and there.

But lately my boyfriend has had to spend Saturdays recording with his band. I am left by myself. I also work at home so I have a lot of time to myself. For years, I've been ok with this but lately I feel a little lonely.

I moved to where I live from across the country. I barely get to see my family and when I do, it's me always traveling to them. My dad has never traveled to see me here. In ten years. It makes me so sad and he doesn't seem to care enough to come to see me, when other people I know have their families come out to see them a few times each year. I think it gives me bad self esteem...like if my dad can't even come to see me, why would anyone else want to?

My mom died when I was young, so I can't be with her either. I feel my life would be different if she was alive. She would at least kick my dad in the pants and make him visit me. I also have a brother my dad treats in the same way. It is like his current marriage is his only family, not me or my brother. My brother lives far away from me too and he moved...my dad knows the address, but won't give it to me...so I haven't talked to my brother in some time. My dad says he has the address, yet can never find it when we are on the phone.

Since I moved across the country, I've had a hard time making friends. I used to live in the Midwest and I think people are friendlier there. At least in high school and college I had close friends. Maybe it is because I am older now and most people my age are raising kids and not worrying about friendships. I also hang out with people ten years or more younger than I am who think I am their age, probably because I act happy or younger than I am.

I find people here in Southern California are more superficial. I've had people I thought were close friends who I spent a lot of time with suddenly after years of friendship leave it without a thought. It's hard for me to keep investing time into friendships that are shallow and that I don't know are shallow until I am emotionally invested. So I find myself in a place where I don't want to make new friends. I tend to attract drama queens and kings too and would rather be alone then have to deal with friends who have huge dramatic problems every day of the week. I have enough to deal with on my own. I just want people who have the same interests I have who want to have fun. But that is hard to find here because my interests aren't popular ones, for example I like foreign movies, alternative music and history. I find people here like to work and then party and drink. I don't really party. I like to have good conversations and use my brain. Not that I can't enjoy a good cocktail, but I don't need to drink myself stupid in order to have fun but I find a lot of people here need to do this.

I also get bored with the weather and that makes me lonely. It's always hot here and I have pale skin, so I constantly have to apply sunscreen, which is a pain. I can't wear nice clothes because of this so I feel I don't dress as well as I want to or what I can wear at night. I feel like I am in a prison. I've had health problems because of the heat and natives here make fun of me because of it. Make fun of me because I don't like to drink and wear flip flops and love beach culture. I do like the beach, I would just rather walk on rocks where there aren't as many people than hang out in my bikini, trying to impress people.

I am not sure where to find people interested in more intellectual pursuits in the area. I did join a writing group and a spiritual group, but both of those groups had so much drama, they sort of imploded on themselves, with some of the members moving out of state. My only recourse would be to join something on a superficial level and not be emotionally invested...but then if I am not emotionally invested I don't get as much out of something, be it a group or friendship. It just seems fair weathered and wrong to me.

I am hoping maybe someone here can offer me emotional support. I am going through a bad time in my life. Nothing completely horrible has happened to me, but I wake up every day feeling very fatigued. I used to go to doctors in my 20s to help me with this fatigue, but none of them said it was a health problem. I don't believe it is depression because my mind is happy and alert, my body is just very tired, especially in the heat. But this has been happening for decades now. I used to get picked on in school too...so when I go from having friends to none...I feel like the unpopular kid in grade school I once was. And it hurts. I feel like no one likes me as a person.

My boyfriend's family treats me not so good. Well, one side is ok, the other is judgmental and rude to me. One of them is having a wedding and even though my boyfriend and I have been together ten years, they couldn't bother to put my name on the wedding invite, just my boyfriend's name plus "guest". And I just gave the bride a $50 present for no reason other than she wanted this new item I happened to have and it was new and unused...and I felt she'd get more out of it then I would. Then the week after, I don't even get my name on an invite.

I don't feel like I can even be myself around that side of his family. But my boyfriend is close to his family, so I have tried to tolerate the ignorance and judging. Like they make fun of gay people and I have gay people as friends. Things like that. The things they say sound so uneducated it is hard for me not to get into a debate with them. I usually just keep my mouth shut because I don't want to create drama. But some of the things they say about people of other races or gay people, it makes me sick inside. It's so judgmental.

I do have a few girl friends too, but one of them had a kid and now is nesting and never wants to do anything. My other friend tends to want to do things that circle around drinking and it really isn't my thing.

I just feel lonely like no one gets me. I am also a creative person who writes and edits video...and I want to connect with others who want to make film shorts. It just never meshes for me. I usually find a project to work on and then some guy from the project hits on me or expects sex for some reason unknown to me because I am not dressing like a tart or flirting or doing anything unprofessional...and it turns me off working in the field...but then guy friends of mine excel at film...probably because they are guys and don't have to worry about being hit on or ending up in a bad situation with a guy they are working with. I am jealous of them because I want to do film too.

I feel I am very creative, but have no outlet for my work. I've published a book of poetry but have no idea how to market it other than get some copies of the book and sell them at readings. But I don't have the money for that right now...I feel I will finish that project in winter when the weather here isn't as hot and I can go into these little mom and pop bookstores and art galleries that have no fans or AC and not sweat doing a reading. When it is summer and the sun doesn't sun until 8, it's just hot and I would be uncomfortable in a bookstore during the afternoon or early evening.

I am not sure how to feel not lonely. I have ideas for novels I want to work on, but I tend to draw from my past for my characters and I have a good memory so I feel I relive the memories when I write them down and sometimes that causes pain to me and I stop. But I want to draw from my life, good or bad. And most of it is bad. I was picked on at school from 1st-8th grade, really bullied, like people spitting on me and such. My mom died three days before my graduation in high school, a time when I started to make friends. I had an ok time in college too, though I did have a blow out with a close friend of many years, my best friend. And I also suffered an assault within my field...basically a co-worker tried to assault me. This was about three days before I graduated college. So neither my high school graduation or college graduation was a high point of my life, like they are with other people.

My 20s were ok. I couldn't find a writing job with my degree since I lived in such a small area. So in my late 20s I moved to a city. Which I liked for ten years...but now I feel like I am back to square one...like I am alone and that lost little kid again, the one spit on and bullied. The one that was almost assault by someone I considered a co-worker and friend.

Then I finally found a person I loved dearly and we've been together ten plus years now. But he did almost demand that I move out of our condo once four years ago. And though we are still together, I always think he'll ask me to leave all of a sudden because four years ago that happened. I came home from work and was watching a sitcom and then my boyfriend turned off the TV and told me to move out. I cried for days. I ended up not moving out in the end, but it is hard for me to feel like I am accepted. Maybe all relationships have that seven year itch. But it was nearly fatal for me emotionally.

I don't feel I can trust anyone. I don't want to be emotionally invested because I am tapped out. I can't give anymore without being sure my friend just won't leave the first time we disagree about something. It makes me sad people can just give up long time friendships without a thought.

I feel something is wrong with me. Like from the beginning, something in my DNA just makes people walk away for me, not remember me and generally treat me bad. And I don't know what to do about it. It's even happened when I was 5, before I even knew what self esteem was. I just feel so lost and like no one cares about me, my art, or anything I do. I am not important. I don't matter.

I want to matter.

 

[tedgresham]

...

I feel something is wrong with me. Like from the beginning, something in my DNA just makes people walk away for me, not remember me and generally treat me bad. And I don't know what to do about it. It's even happened when I was 5, before I even knew what self esteem was. I just feel so lost and like no one cares about me, my art, or anything I do. I am not important. I don't matter.

I want to matter.

Exactly. There are others who have the same feeling. At least one: me. But not just one, I don't think, having read other posts on this forum. There are people you matter to, like your boyfriend, even if what you DO/etc., doesn't seem to matter. I think what you're saying is that you want someone to give a **** about your art, to notice when you're sad, to sense a few things about you that it seems they don't. It's not about being loved or even liked, it's different, it's more, and it's deeper than that.

I can't say that feeling of not being important will ever go away, or that someone will magically disprove it. It is fruitless to express these feelings even to those we love if they've not been responsive to them already. They just don't get it. They think differently. I used to say things to my wife like, "you never pay attention....etc..." but it changed nothing, except on a couple of occasions lead to remarks such as, "you're just being selfish." I learned to keep my mouth shut rather than appear selfish just because I wanted her to say, "that's cool" and mean it about something I made or whatever. People are who they are. Years, hopes, cajoling, ...nothing changes them.

Of course we are who we are, too. I think the only thing we can do is put one foot in front of the other, do what we do, and appreciate what we have. Accept whatever love or support we get. And continue to hope and seek new outlets where we can express ourselves and be appreciated.

....that, and know that we ARE valuable. You ARE valuable. You are valuable to yourself. You are worth something to yourself. You matter to you. At some level or another you matter to others. From there you have to fill in for yourself. It's the only choice we have for survival.

 

[Zante]

Thanks for replying. I am heading off to bed, but it was very nice to receive a reply before I did. It makes me feel a bit more part of the world, if you can understand that.

I think I do have self esteem because I do want to matter. I don't think I am worthless. In fact, I feel I am a good writer, a good artist and a good video editor. I debate whether I need people to justify my art or to tell me it is good...but then isn't that how good works are judged? Because people like them or are affected by them? So I feel it's a paradox.

I just want to be able to ask out a friend to do something without feeling like they probably won't want to bother themselves to see me. I wish I had friends who laughed at my jokes and just got me. I also want a "that's cool" when I do something. I guess because my boyfriend is in a band, he gets all this attention in a bar and anyone can like music, but less people like to read and even less go to poetry readings...it is just a smaller group to cultivate in general.

I think it is because of fatigue that I feel like I can't do things. I try to get out there. People tell me if I get out there and exercise, I will get energized. But I walk three miles somedays and do an hour or two of yoga, like KY...something where you move a lot...and I feel even more fatigued. Lately, it's just been very bad, like my body has just given up. I am a bigger muscular girl...which doesn't help me living in a land of overly tanned, super skinny girls...but I like being strong and healthy. I'll never be a size 4 and who cares? But it's the vibe of the city here, like you have to be "hot" if you are a girl and that's the only thing anyone cares about. It's a bit boring.

I feel like I am a survivor. I've had a lot of bad things happen to me, but I've never turned to drugs or drinking or even overeating to solve my problems. I feel that some bad parts of my life, like dealing with my non existent dad, has given me a change at freedom I wouldn't have if I was close to my family. I have freedom to explore life to its fullest without having to compromise to a conservative family life...which my family is very conservative...good old boys, factory workers and farmers. Not that these jobs are bad...I just wanted to more to a more liberal area where I could be an artist and writer and be seen as an asset instead of a weirdo. If I was closer to my family, I might have stayed or even started a family without finding myself...which I did because I had a lot of alone time to kill!

So thanks again for your kind words. I need to sleep. I've been very upset tonight because I had a fight with my boyfriend over him wanting me to give up something I love. I feel I always give up parts of me to different people. I am sick of it. Why can't people just accept me for who I am?

 

[tedgresham]

For after you get some rest...

Thanks for replying. I am heading off to bed, but it was very nice to receive a reply before I did. It makes me feel a bit more part of the world, if you can understand that.

You're welcome...

I think I do have self esteem because I do want to matter. I don't think I am worthless. In fact, I feel I am a good writer, a good artist and a good video editor. I debate whether I need people to justify my art or to tell me it is good...but then isn't that how good works are judged? Because people like them or are affected by them? So I feel it's a paradox.

There are people who can create masterpieces, put them in a closet, and be content that what they did was good. And then there are those who create art who feel as if it was somewhat, or entirely, a waste of effort if it is not appreciated. Good works stand on their own. If what you do is good, and you know it, that's what really matters. Having others appreciate it is gravy. Hard thing to realize and I'm not there yet either, but it's the only way to break the paradox.

I just want to be able to ask out a friend to do something without feeling like they probably won't want to bother themselves to see me. I wish I had friends who laughed at my jokes and just got me. I also want a "that's cool" when I do something. I guess because my boyfriend is in a band, he gets all this attention in a bar and anyone can like music, but less people like to read and even less go to poetry readings...it is just a smaller group to cultivate in general.

Poetry is a lost art in this world. It's very sad but true. The male species, especially, thinks to like poetry is to be effeminate and sissy. Would Rambo... who's a modern day equivalent?... read poetry? Machismo and manhood are two very different things but how to convince anyone? Poetry is the music of the soul. You're the better for appreciating that.

I think it is because of fatigue that I feel like I can't do things. I try to get out there. People tell me if I get out there and exercise, I will get energized. But I walk three miles somedays and do an hour or two of yoga, like KY...something where you move a lot...and I feel even more fatigued. Lately, it's just been very bad, like my body has just given up. I am a bigger muscular girl...which doesn't help me living in a land of overly tanned, super skinny girls...but I like being strong and healthy. I'll never be a size 4 and who cares? But it's the vibe of the city here, like you have to be "hot" if you are a girl and that's the only thing anyone cares about. It's a bit boring.

Ours is a very shallow world. For me to be thin and muscular is for me to fight against my genetic code. We are who we are. Those who judge us by our looks are just being shallow. Be yourself. Be good and caring. Know that a lot of people may dislike you right away when they look. They're the lesser person, not you.

I feel like I am a survivor. ...

We have to be...

So thanks again for your kind words. I need to sleep. I've been very upset tonight because I had a fight with my boyfriend over him wanting me to give up something I love. I feel I always give up parts of me to different people. I am sick of it. Why can't people just accept me for who I am?

I hear you and understand completely. I wish there was a magic wand to make the world a different place, but there's not. We should all be loving, tolerant, forgiving, and accepting. We should never, however, give up ourselves. If we loose ourselves, we have nothing. I've learned the religious maxim is true, "a soft answer turns away wrath." That's where you start. Then find a way to talk honestly and explain what something means to you. Then maybe you can discuss options. That keeps relationships. That said, in general, if we are not conformists, if we have feelings like you describe, people won't accept us entirely because they just don't and can't understand us. We must accept ourselves and know who we are and hold fast to that.

 

[RJLJD]

sounds to me like you have a matter of a lack of appreciation of yourself from other people. that's very unfortunate and i can already tell its not the way things should be with you. you should be appreciated. i imagine you question why you do what you do if no one ever bothers to notice. i guess at this point you just have to do it for your own satisfaction and peace of mind. do it for you, pat yourself on the back. its a little bit of a hollow victory, but its still important to remind yourself of your own worth.
if you don't mind me asking, whereabouts in the midwest are you originally from? i'm just curious since that's where i reside.

 

[Badjedidude]

Welcome to the site. Hopefully you'll find what you need here.

 

[Ak5]

You are moving on! That is the important part.

You have gone through life's hardships: Being bullied, growing up, losing your mother, and a ton more!

Even if you don't drink, so what? Go to the party! If they want you to drink, just don't and tell them to fresia off and get drunk elsewhere.

It's tough living in a different town, but I'm sure not all are like that.

Keep writing, do what you like. Your still young!

And welcome aboard.