Introduction

[Mr. Self Destruct]

I've joined dozens of forums over the years, but have never considered posting in a introduction thread- I thrive on anonymity.

I actually found this site in 2007, (I believe) - not sure how I came upon it but I was drinking at the time. I'm pretty sure I registered but back then you had to wait to be approved or something like that, not sure what happened but I haven't visited since then.

Anyways, it's comforting to read peoples posts and realize that no matter how alone I feel that there are people who share almost the exact same lifestyle.

I have zero friends, none.

I haven't had any type of friend whatsoever since the year 2000. Haven't had one single visit from anyone outside of my family in over 10 yrs.

My phone rings once every couple of months, if that. I used to get about 3 calls a month but they were telemarketers and wrong numbers. After telling the telemarketers to take me off their list and informing the wrong numbers that that person no longer has that number, I'm down to zero calls.

I've had a cell phone for almost 2 yrs. and I don't even know the number, I've never given it out- not once. Whenever I need to know the number I have to call from my landline and check the caller ID, it had been so long since I gave my landline number out that I actually forgot what it was, so I had to try random numbers to figure it out. I thought that was funny, but very sad at the same time.

I don't even have any online friends- whatsoever. When I was a teenager I used to be in chat rooms all the time and used to have so much fun, but nowadays if I even attempt to make contact with someone I just feel paralyzed and nothing seems to come to mind, so I don't even bother.

It's a scary thought- but I'm slowly beginning to accept the fact that I just don't like people. At all. I don't hate anyone, I'm not a psycho, I don't want to harm anyone. I just can't seem to stand to be around anybody.

I don't feel I'm angry, but I am extremely resentful of people. Everyone is such a ******* phony (myself included). It's my belief that 99% of peoples relationships are lies, I can honestly say that I've never had a true friend- not even close. I've known quite a few people in my lifetime and I can't think of one true friendship that I've witnessed. People pretend to be friends, but they just aren't. I've worked several different jobs, and it's always the same scene- everyone pretends to be friends with each other, but it's just not genuine. As soon as one person has their back turned, they are being bad-mouthed by every single person they consider to be their friends. Always, always, always.

I guess the reason I'm so lonely is because I just choose not to play that game. I'm too genuine for my own good and as far as I can tell it's messed me far, far worse than it has helped me. I don't give fake smiles, I don't extend fake "how are you's", I don't fake interest in peoples lives, because just don't care. I guess my golden rule is- I care as much about people as they care about me, which is zero.

I always feel very sad and feel sorry for the people who try to talk to me. They are just trying to be polite, but I just don't have anything to offer back. For example- I was buying a hanging plant from a small roadside place, and the guy was trying to tell me all about it, how to take care of it, etc... etc... the entire time I'm just thinking I want to get away from this ******* guy. I just don't want to talk. I have nothing to say. I just want to pay for it, say thank you and never come back. I tried my best to fake interest in his comments, and I did an alright job- but I could tell he sensed I couldn't care less and it affected him in a negative way. I felt bad, I really did. But when it comes to conversation, I've got nothing.

Something that I find kind of funny: If I hear the meter reader from the power company start to pull into the driveway (or anyone else for that matter) , I literally run at a full sprint into the house or behind the house or wherever I can find cover, not because I'm afraid of the person, I just don't want to get caught up in any conversation.

I guess I'm rambling, more than introducing. So maybe I should attempt to explain why I am the way I am.

By the time I hit the fourth grade I'd been to 6 different schools in five different states, and I was already a very introverted kid to begin with.

I've never once in my life been friends with someone longer than a year or two, usually much shorter.

Some random facts-

up until March I was drinking about 300 beers each month, I've since cut it way back, but today I've had almost 10, which is disappointing.

I smoke pot daily

I love animals, and have two outdoor bunnies, and 2 cockatiels. I had a parakeet for about 9 yrs. , but he died a few days ago, in my hand while I was holding him up to see his two buddies (cockatiels) for the last time. Not sure what was wrong with him, but he lived a long, full life climbing the curtains and coming and going as he pleased. That's why I was at the roadside garden place, so I could by him some flowers to plant on top of his final resting spot.

I sort of made a friend over the past couple of weeks, it's the neighbors cat. I gave him some tuna, and even bought him a can of cat food the last time I went to the store, so now he visits me daily and hangs out with me while I work outside. He seems to warm up to me more each day, so that makes me feel good. First type of affection I've had in a very long time.

One final thing that I think is funny (makes me laugh anyways)- I posted a bunch of stuff on Craigslist over the past few weeks and I've gotten dozens of replies from people wanting to buy it all, but I haven't emailed anybody back, not because I don't want to sell it, but because I don't want to have to talk to them when they show up. I could really use the money and have tons of stuff to sell, but I just can't seem to bring myself to respond to anybody. A lot of people are emailing me 2 and 3 times and stuff. I just don't want to have to struggle through all the conversation, it's just makes me feel bad.

After reading my "introduction" does anything stand out to anybody?

Am I a total weirdo? Am I a total jerk? Am I a bad person?

Any advice on how I can maybe make some friends or at least hold up my end of a conversation?

Thanks for reading.

 

[Badjedidude]

Wow...quite an introduction. Welcome to the site.

 

[edgecrusher]

i dont do it on the level that you do, but i to try to avoid conversation with people i dont know. i dont have any "best" freinds, i have a few that i talk to but not about anything important or about my life or the way i feel about everything right now. i know what you mean though, when buying something at the store i try to keep it simple, 1 word answers, so i dont start anything. same thing at work, i try to keep it as short as possible. i generally dont initiate coversation with people. to get me talking it takes others to get it out of me. i know im shy but i dont know why i am that way, i just am. your not weird and it doesnt make you a jerk. i hope you find some people you can talk to here, welcome.

 

[Steel]

Hey, and welcome.

 

[Minus]

Sure i could identify with a lot you said, though i wrote down my phone number so i will know what it is. I have had the same phone number for the last six years but couldn't say what it is without checking. I don't tend to see all people as being phony for making an attempt to be civil with each other while acting contrary to that in other situations. They are just people.

Welcome.

 

[nerdygirl]

Welcome

 

[EveWasFramed]

I tend to agree with Minus - there are some days that I just do NOT want to interact with humans, lol.
However, I don't see everyone as a "phony." Some people are, of course, but I feel that for most people, they just try to make an attempt to at least be civil to others, even when they really don't feel like it. That isn't being a phony, it's just having a conscience I think.
As for how to have friends, well...people will continue to get a "vibe" from you, that you don't really WANT to be around them. I wonder if you need to seek a professional opinion as to why you don't like people in general. No, that isn't me suggesting that there is anything 'wrong" with you. It just might be helpful to gain a little third-party info as to why you feel how you do. That might be some useful information to have, when trying to gain friends in the future.
nah...you don't seem to be a "freak" or a "bad person" at all. Some people just don't like interation with others.

Welcome to the forum by the way.

 

[dead]

Am I a total weirdo? Am I a total jerk? Am I a bad person?

no. you are not a weirdo, or a jerk. you just seem to be tired. and maybe out of faith.

Any advice on how I can maybe make some friends or at least hold up my end of a conversation?

i guess you just have to want it?

 

[Punisher]

Hi Mr. Self Destruct, welcome to ALL

 

[mintymint]

Hahaha, I also know the feeling of working to remember your own phone number. For a brief period, I even had mine confused with the phone number of a local radio station (they repeat the number on air relentlessly for call in shows, I knew it better than my own). As you can imagine, nobabody calls

Welcome Self Destruct

 

[Mr. Self Destruct]

Thanks to each and everyone of you for your welcomes I appreciate you taking the time.

Edgecrusher- I even do my best to avoid conversation with people I do know, my own family for example. I've known them my whole life, but I can't remember the last time I called one of them just to talk. I just never have anything to say- ever.

Minus- nice to hear someone else doesn't even know his own phone number either. I guess you're right, just trying to be polite and friendly doesn't mean you are phony. I suppose that's just the way I perceive it.

EveWasFramed- yeah I give off a totally "could you please get the fresia away from me" vibe. It's partly because I am so jaded with life, partly that people make me really nervous, and partly that I'm not a very well-spoken person so I sound a little stupid when I have to talk. Being stoned most of the time doesn't help either.

dead- yeah, you put it well, I'm tired and don't have any faith. There's absolutely some truth there.

mintymint- Yeah it sucks when nobody wants to call you, nice to hear you and other people are sort of in the same boat as myself.