Is Loneliness better?

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Yaku

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**Trigger warning - may talk about abuse or violence**

Throughout my life I have had bad experiences with people. These range from things like abuse, toxicity, manipulation, control and betrayal. So a few years ago I decided that I would avoid people, and have managed to completely isolate myself. I am financially independent, and don't need to work so I don't even have to deal with co-workers. I don't talk to my neighbors, and my family have given up on making contact. All I have for company are my dogs and my parrot. I go to shops at around 1am for food and supplies and other things I have delivered, all in an attempt to avoid people.

This has worked. I don't get hurt anymore, and I can't remember the last time I was upset or taken advantage of. My life is drama free.

The problem is that recently I have become increasingly lonely. I know my life is better the way it is now, but I miss talking with someone. You know, telling them my stupid ideas and theories and absorbing their response. Simple things like teasing someone and having a laugh with them. I miss having an emotional connection. I want to hear someone's thoughts on topics and engage in debate. Laugh at their jokes. And I miss the touch of someone that loves me, and whom I love back.

So recently I have been going on dating apps and whenever I get a match and someone shows interest, I get so scared I delete my profile and the app lol. Every time someone wants to get close I remember the bad things that happened and panic.

A few years back in my last relationship I was so abused. She would argue with me about the smallest things. Even though I did not even talk to other women at work, she was paranoid and constantly accused me of cheating, this broke my heart. She would escalate small things and become physical with me, so I would take my car and leave. Then she started taking my car keys so I could not leave the situation. I remember, sometimes I would walk away and sleep on the street or in the bush where no one could find me. She would always apologize afterward and cry and want to be intimate, and I would decline because it felt wrong to be intimate when we had such problems. Even when I conceded, I felt used and dirty, and privately cried afterward, and the cycle would continue.

One day things escalated and she took my keys so I couldn't leave, so I locked myself in the bathroom. I was so tired and hurt, and became so angry that I punched a hole through the door and cut my hand. I loved her so much, but this was where I realised it had to end, and I ended the relationship.

Since then I never repaired the hole in the door, as a reminder to myself of how people can hurt each other. So now every time someone gets close I think about that, and hide.

So my question is, should I risk it and try again? My life is better alone, except no matter how hard I try this loneliness haunts me. How can I fight the feelings of loneliness? I know if I could find the right person things could be okay, but I dread rolling the dice. I feel so damaged and fragile that I fear the smallest thing could end me.

Anyway, if you've read this far, thank you for listening. This is at least an outlet for my emotions.
 

CenotaphGirl

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I would, if I was you. I wouldn't call it risking it though, I would call it, trying again. I would try again, as scary as it is. Because you are stronger, you are wiser, you can recognise the signs. You do not deserve to be alone or lonely at all. I really hope it all works out for you, I hope you don't meet someone as twisted as me... but if you do, run, no chances, no forgiveness and do not let them in too deep too quickly.
 

NoxApex(N/A)

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I too, have a hole in the wall that I intentionally left there as a reminder to myself to continue to curb my anger and rage issues. Funny, I was just looking at it/thinking about that a day or two ago. It's at the wall at the foot of my bed, so that I can't miss it. Long story short, I don't like when people **** with my money. I don't have a lot of money, I work very hard to get the very little that I have, so when someone fucks with my money yes, I kind of lose my ****. A lot of the time I have trouble trying to rationalize my own lunches, let alone someone running up to me like "Hey so I don't have any money and I need you to give me your money." It's a very no-go zone for me. I understand that people need help, and I do help people financially when I can, but what makes me wall-to-fist is when those people try to make it into a routine...because they will, try to make it into a routine. So, it's resulted in me being progressively more and more reclusive.

While I can't say that loneliness is better, I can say that if you're more introverted than extroverted that you can make it work in your favor easier than the later. It just requires a little creativity, a kinesthetic laundry list to keep yourself busy and productive on schedule. And with enough repetitions of it, eventually everything will tighten up like a ratchet strap (no 304's intended, but I mean lulz anyway).

The idea is to try to keep the mind going and the body busy, but to learn to do so in moderation so that you don't live in Burnout Hell. And yes, it's very tricky to try to get the balancing act right, in part because it's truly different for everybody.

It's sometimes referred to as "training the Chattering Monkey."
That is, the Monkey Mind, or the base emotional state of us as a species of mammals.
You cannot silence it entirely, because it's part of who we are, but you CAN give it more things to do and more things to think about than there are time in a day.

Academia is your friend for this.
I don't do hobby research because I have some kind of an ego investment into it.
I do hobby research because it is therapeutic for me, and very often learning when I'm wrong is actually kind of exciting because that's a new learning experience for me.

Anything can be used this way, actually.
Both in terms of research and development, as well as kinesthetic skills or leisurely activities.
Video games and exercise are fundamentally different, no?
Actually, not really.
Both involve the body doing something for a mental drive and reason.
Video games are hand-eye coordination related, as well as mathematical, sometimes linguistic with coding, or occasionally fantastically historical if it has well written plot. And gamers play games for this reason, because it is mentally engaging.
With enough exercise, the mind also becomes equally engaged under the physical engagement.

It's for the same reason why people develop enthusiast hobbies, like movie trivia, and that one guy who invented the now famous Kevin Bacon Game. And also for the reason as to why Joseph Campbell wrote The Monomyth in 1949, and so on and so forth.

The trick is to keep the body and mind engaged with more things to do and think about than the monkey mind or primordial emotional state has in a day to do so. You remember those Brain Storming techniques they taught kids in school? That can really come in handy for drumming up such a long list.
 

Yaku

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I would, if I was you. I wouldn't call it risking it though, I would call it, trying again. I would try again, as scary as it is. Because you are stronger, you are wiser, you can recognise the signs. You do not deserve to be alone or lonely at all. I really hope it all works out for you, I hope you don't meet someone as twisted as me... but if you do, run, no chances, no forgiveness and do not let them in too deep too quickly.
Thank you for that.

Sometimes I wish I was still a kid, you know, when I didn't see or fear evil in the world.

Sorry to hear about your issue, hope all goes well.
 

Yaku

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I too, have a hole in the wall that I intentionally left there as a reminder to myself to continue to curb my anger and rage issues. Funny, I was just looking at it/thinking about that a day or two ago. It's at the wall at the foot of my bed, so that I can't miss it. Long story short, I don't like when people **** with my money. I don't have a lot of money, I work very hard to get the very little that I have, so when someone fucks with my money yes, I kind of lose my ****. A lot of the time I have trouble trying to rationalize my own lunches, let alone someone running up to me like "Hey so I don't have any money and I need you to give me your money." It's a very no-go zone for me. I understand that people need help, and I do help people financially when I can, but what makes me wall-to-fist is when those people try to make it into a routine...because they will, try to make it into a routine. So, it's resulted in me being progressively more and more reclusive.

While I can't say that loneliness is better, I can say that if you're more introverted than extroverted that you can make it work in your favor easier than the later. It just requires a little creativity, a kinesthetic laundry list to keep yourself busy and productive on schedule. And with enough repetitions of it, eventually everything will tighten up like a ratchet strap (no 304's intended, but I mean lulz anyway).

The idea is to try to keep the mind going and the body busy, but to learn to do so in moderation so that you don't live in Burnout Hell. And yes, it's very tricky to try to get the balancing act right, in part because it's truly different for everybody.

It's sometimes referred to as "training the Chattering Monkey."
That is, the Monkey Mind, or the base emotional state of us as a species of mammals.
You cannot silence it entirely, because it's part of who we are, but you CAN give it more things to do and more things to think about than there are time in a day.

Academia is your friend for this.
I don't do hobby research because I have some kind of an ego investment into it.
I do hobby research because it is therapeutic for me, and very often learning when I'm wrong is actually kind of exciting because that's a new learning experience for me.

Anything can be used this way, actually.
Both in terms of research and development, as well as kinesthetic skills or leisurely activities.
Video games and exercise are fundamentally different, no?
Actually, not really.
Both involve the body doing something for a mental drive and reason.
Video games are hand-eye coordination related, as well as mathematical, sometimes linguistic with coding, or occasionally fantastically historical if it has well written plot. And gamers play games for this reason, because it is mentally engaging.
With enough exercise, the mind also becomes equally engaged under the physical engagement.

It's for the same reason why people develop enthusiast hobbies, like movie trivia, and that one guy who invented the now famous Kevin Bacon Game. And also for the reason as to why Joseph Campbell wrote The Monomyth in 1949, and so on and so forth.

The trick is to keep the body and mind engaged with more things to do and think about than the monkey mind or primordial emotional state has in a day to do so. You remember those Brain Storming techniques they taught kids in school? That can really come in handy for drumming up such a long list.
Thanks, it sounds like good advise.

I do keep busy, and I wouldn't say I'm unhappy but the problem is when I get emotional from watching a movie or listening to certain songs, it just triggers the feeling of loneliness before I know it. The monkey mind is always looking to take over haha.

I think one thing that could be underlying is a fear of regret. That some day I will regret not trying to find someone, and that I would become bitter and alone, instead of alone and content.

Maybe I think too much.
 

NoxApex(N/A)

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Thanks, it sounds like good advise.

I do keep busy, and I wouldn't say I'm unhappy but the problem is when I get emotional from watching a movie or listening to certain songs, it just triggers the feeling of loneliness before I know it. The monkey mind is always looking to take over haha.

I think one thing that could be underlying is a fear of regret. That some day I will regret not trying to find someone, and that I would become bitter and alone, instead of alone and content.

Maybe I think too much.

That's a common concern. 😌
It isn't that you're thinking too much, it's that you're thinking about the way that you feel too much.
Think about other things instead. 👌

The future is influenced by what we do in the present. I have, sadly, met many more men and women discontented with their relationships than I have of those who are happy with their relationships.

So naturally, I had to wonder why that is.
And what I believe that it is, is a misunderstanding in society about where happiness actually comes from.

Dopamine and serotonin are only ever temporary fixes. People get lost in that confusion.

The perceptual lens is the bigger factor at hand.
Think of it like a drum brake on a car: All of the feelings are interwoven within that drum brake system of a perceptual lens.

Life goes up and down, that's just what it does.
But you can only notice one side or the other of those ups and downs at a time due to perceptual lensing. So if you feel shitty, yeah, life is going to seem shitty, and if you feel good, then yeah, life is going to feel great.

Finding the middle ground is a ************.
Like with a drum brake, it's a Hell of a lot easier to pull apart if you just take it off the axle of external influences first so you're not fighting an awkward angle full of more tension than what's necessary.
 
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14 years being alone for me. No holes in the wall though. It's just MUCH better being alone. Occationally I've felt lonely. So, I've gone on dating sites and looked around. I looked up old friends. Then I ignored my lonelyness and it soon passed. If you think about it, or worse, dwell on it, then it will eat it alive. It's easier just to accept you are completely done with people.

Your lonelyness feelings are screwing with you when it makes your brain think that there is someone out there somewhere for you. Sure, I bet there are many. But, in reality you're never going to find them without a **** ton of work, effort, money, and taking lots of chances. If you aren't willing to do that then quit torturing yourself.
 

9006

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Honestly it's a difficult situation. I get why people (like yourself) isolate themselves, avoiding people certainly makes for an easier life, unfortunately companionship is pretty fundamental to most - if not, all - people. I don't think it's particularly healthy to completely cut yourself off. People will almost certainly become more intolerable to you which will exacerbate your issue. I also think the skill to socialistic would gets worse, and you'll find that if you ever DO want to meet someone you'll struggle to actually do it.

I think it's important to socialist with others, even if it's just one other person. Time is always the best tool for meeting people. What I mean by that is that people show their true self more and more over time, abusive traits or toxic behaviors become much more visible, so basically there's no need to rush into any kind of relationship and put yourself in a vulnerable position. Time tends to weed out most people who don't have your best interests, however it's not a sure proof way of avoiding these types of individuals.. but generally if someone really wants to get to know you it wouldn't be an issue to take things slow.
 
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Honestly it's a difficult situation. I get why people (like yourself) isolate themselves, avoiding people certainly makes for an easier life, unfortunately companionship is pretty fundamental to most - if not, all - people. I don't think it's particularly healthy to completely cut yourself off. People will almost certainly become more intolerable to you which will exacerbate your issue. I also think the skill to socialistic would gets worse, and you'll find that if you ever DO want to meet someone you'll struggle to actually do it.
Yep. This is exactly what happened to me.

I think it's important to socialist with others, even if it's just one other person. Time is always the best tool for meeting people. What I mean by that is that people show their true self more and more over time, abusive traits or toxic behaviors become much more visible, so basically there's no need to rush into any kind of relationship and put yourself in a vulnerable position. Time tends to weed out most people who don't have your best interests, however it's not a sure proof way of avoiding these types of individuals.. but generally if someone really wants to get to know you it wouldn't be an issue to take things slow.
Good advice! I just personally got tired of interacting with others. All the talking was either lies, meaningless, or just stupid. But, I guess, even if it is, one should still do it anyway.
 

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