Is there a "give up" point?

[TheSolitaryMan]

Would you say that there's a point at which a person should just give up when it comes to hoping for a conventional relationship? Should we stick true to our ideals or compromise upon them?

I've tried for years to tell myself that I'm not just going to settle for any random girl or even give up entirely, but I'm starting to think I'm simply different from other people in some way, and that's just how it is.

Others seem comfortable with "dating", but to me I just find that concept totally weird. Asking someone to hang around with you? o_0

I don't even know where to begin with that. Additionally, I've never been able to gauge when a girl finds me attractive, unless she's being extremely overt (which usually means she's not right for me anyway).

Combine this with the fact that every female I've felt close to over the last few years only seems to have some sort of plainly sexual interest in me and I'm starting to feel a little disillusioned.

The girls I'm actually interested in (smart, caring, affectionate, long-term) are off-limits to me, because those traits also tend to make them shy or romantically reserved. That totally throws my intuition into haywire and I have no idea whether they like me in that sort of way or not.

I always thought I'd find the right girl and just "know". Experience is now telling me that I'll find a girl I like, then just be powerless to do anything until she's gone. The only girls I stand a chance with are the ones that I wouldn't feel comfortable with!

I think the simpler alternative is to simply quit while I'm ahead, in terms of emotional investment.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Surest way to fail is to quit

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Surest way to fail is to quit

But if failure is inevitable and quitting saves you some dignity, perhaps it's the wisest option?

Logically, romantic desires only ever serve to emotionally distract me. If I keep investing my time in something that burns me, it seems like I'm running a fool's errand.

 

[Montreal Skye]

Don't ever quit. I did for way too long and there are regrets. The idea of "dating" mortified me too. I found someone after many years and I thought I never would. I also decided I wouldn't settle, and I stuck to my guns - but you do have to compromise a little bit because you'll never find the ideal person who fits all of your standards - well, unless you're extremely lucky. The girls that are "off limits" to you, maybe these are the women you need to take more risks with, by that I mean, if your intuition is all haywire, take a big leap and find out if they like you or not instead of stepping back and feeling they are off limits, you could really be missing out by doing that to yourself. And trust me on this, a woman who seems shy and romantically reserved could be that way at the beginning...but as you nurture the relationship, it could be dynamite.

 

[IgnoredOne]

But if failure is inevitable and quitting saves you some dignity, perhaps it's the wisest option?

Logically, romantic desires only ever serve to emotionally distract me. If I keep investing my time in something that burns me, it seems like I'm running a fool's errand.

Logically, keeping your emotions well secured helps you progress in life too. Einstein was not known for his lack of women, quite the opposite.

Sounds like you need a different approach.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Whats your idea of a conventional relationship?
How did you come to believe it was conventional?
Where and who did you got this idea of a conventional relationship from?

 

[putter65]

Would you say that there's a point at which a person should just give up when it comes to hoping for a conventional relationship? Should we stick true to our ideals or compromise upon them?

I've tried for years to tell myself that I'm not just going to settle for any random girl or even give up entirely, but I'm starting to think I'm simply different from other people in some way, and that's just how it is.

Others seem comfortable with "dating", but to me I just find that concept totally weird. Asking someone to hang around with you? o_0

I don't even know where to begin with that. Additionally, I've never been able to gauge when a girl finds me attractive, unless she's being extremely overt (which usually means she's not right for me anyway).

Combine this with the fact that every female I've felt close to over the last few years only seems to have some sort of plainly sexual interest in me and I'm starting to feel a little disillusioned.

The girls I'm actually interested in (smart, caring, affectionate, long-term) are off-limits to me, because those traits also tend to make them shy or romantically reserved. That totally throws my intuition into haywire and I have no idea whether they like me in that sort of way or not.

I always thought I'd find the right girl and just "know". Experience is now telling me that I'll find a girl I like, then just be powerless to do anything until she's gone. The only girls I stand a chance with are the ones that I wouldn't feel comfortable with!

I think the simpler alternative is to simply quit while I'm ahead, in terms of emotional investment.

depends if your getting depressed about it. If your constant failure to meet somebody is ruining your life then 'yes' give up - do something else. Otherwise carry on. Why not ?

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

depends if your getting depressed about it. If your constant failure to meet somebody is ruining your life then 'yes' give up - do something else. Otherwise carry on. Why not ?

The irony is that I am actually meeting people, some of them attractive, but I'm powerless. I'm literally useless when it comes to changing my relationship status when I actually want to, and that does indeed depress me. Lots :\

I'm not sure I can actually explain it, but it gets me down more than any other element of my life. Unfortunately I have an unavoidable tendency to really dwell on things far too much mentally too, so that really doesn't help.

I'm in a situation at the moment where I have known a girl years, liked her years, yet I cannot bring myself to say it to her. Instead I've sort of half-admitted it and got nowhere

 

[putter65]

depends if your getting depressed about it. If your constant failure to meet somebody is ruining your life then 'yes' give up - do something else. Otherwise carry on. Why not ?

The irony is that I am actually meeting people, some of them attractive, but I'm powerless. I'm literally useless when it comes to changing my relationship status when I actually want to, and that does indeed depress me. Lots :\

I'm not sure I can actually explain it, but it gets me down more than any other element of my life. Unfortunately I have an unavoidable tendency to really dwell on things far too much mentally too, so that really doesn't help.

I'm in a situation at the moment where I have known a girl years, liked her years, yet I cannot bring myself to say it to her. Instead I've sort of half-admitted it and got nowhere

I have done that. Liked a woman for years without saying anything. I think deep down you know whether a woman is into you or not. I don't meet any women who are (into me) so it is easy to bullshit yourself into thinking that she may be.

The ones who I have really liked, I have asked out. (Even though I always knew what the answer would be !)

I am very happy at the moment because I haven't got a woman on my mind. First time in about 2 years. I am not forever wondering about the next text or email or whatever.

 

[Callie]

I didn't read the other replies, so if I repeat something, forgive me.
I don't think anyone is hopeless or that anyone should give up on finding someone. HOWEVER, I also don't think you should necessarily hold out for the "one special person." You have to get your feet wet, you have to fail, you have to learn, you have to find out how and what you do in a relationship. Holding out for that one person you think is the absolute "one" is a mistake in my opinion..
Go out, have fun...even if it's not on a DATE date. That will come in time, you just have to be patient, and accept that you may be rejected. Nothing/no one will ever come if you don't take a leap of faith and just do it. You have to have confidence in yourself. Now, stop doubting yourself, because you really have no good reason to be doing so.

Okay, I just read your last comment there. No one is telling you that you can't dwell on something, but when you dwell on something so much that you never take any kind of action, where does that get you? That gets you nowhere. So, dwell WHILE you do something to get yourself out of the rut you seem to be have placed yourself in (Yes, I said YOU placed yourself in). Nothing is stopping you, but yourself. Ask a girl out, if you think she's attractive, if you think you would get along, just ask her out. It doesn't matter if she's "THE one" or not, just get your feet wet and see what happens.

 

[Gutted]

Yeah don't give up. I appear to be becoming more relaxed with age. In the past, for a short while I wanted the prefect Girl. Then I quickly realized that wasn't going to happen. Since then, my ideals have fallen and fallen. I'd still like the type of Girl that most people want. But I'd settle for less as long as that Girl didn't annoy me most of the time and stuff. Evaluate yourself. Do you think that you can get your ideal woman? If so then go for it. If not then try and go for someone who isn't quite ideal, but can still give you a good quality of life (and vicer versa)

 

[Trent]

i don't think there should be a "give up" point, per se.

sometimes you need to realign though.

as the situation changes on the ground, so to should the tactics.

it may be best instead of "giving up" on one particular goal, to pursue more aggressively another.

it also may be necessary to reexamine your concept of what defines a traditional relationship.

chances are that it is naive and/or flawed like those of so many others.

 

[Phaedron]

Its more a matter of experience and developing a sense for what will and won't work out. The relations that you attract into your life should also teach you something about yourself. You come to pick up on the pitfalls and warning signs. With love, you can bring a different partner, but it's the same rolycoaster everytime. You're playing with fire, feeding it with wind, and boiling the water... Learn a bit about alchemy if you didn't get that last part.

With me, I'm not a player, I don't like the game, and I'm also not in a position to raise a family. I don't think life is fair requiring both partners to heavily work, but I'm the sort of person who needs an eternal companion that won't stab me in the back, that is deep and isn't going to just hide things and go away. I can't handle the drama of doing all the things it takes to create the magic or illusion of getting to that point, nor do I have the money for it. I can't deal with the drama of having to constantly worry about where things are headed or whether something bad is happening. I don't like headgames and subtleties or relations where people can't talk about things or be honest. I utterly detest the social norm in almost all forms, especially the revolving door bordello of denial that is modern relationships. Though it is sad to go through life alone, I cant see any of these things changing, meanwhile its less stressful and I'm the type that requires a lot of alone time anyway.

If you're going to give up, well I guess that depends on where you are in your growth as a person, and financial station in life. Karma plays a part too. There are some relationships that come together against all odds because of it, and likewise fall apart because of it. It may be written in the stars, but even that doesn't mean that it's set in stone.

 

[tom_lonely]

Where did my replies go?

Some of my posts here have just disappeard!

Oh well...

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

I'm pretty close to giving up all together. Cause all the men I like doesn't feel the same way back.

 

[IgnoredOne]

I've PMed you, SM, but pretty much I don't think its as much about giving up as you need to realign your approach.

Good luck.

 

[perfanoff]

I'm pretty close to giving up all together. Cause all the men I like doesn't feel the same way back.

You can tell me that again. All the women I fall for never seem to quite feel the same way back. What's up with you girls that you run like hell as soon as affection has grown.

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

I'm pretty close to giving up all together. Cause all the men I like doesn't feel the same way back.

You can tell me that again. All the women I fall for never seem to quite feel the same way back. What's up with you girls that you run like hell as soon as affection has grown.

I'm sorry the woman who you met has hurt you in the past. I really hope one day a woman meets you and loves you. I don't run from things though, I'm a true romantic. Really hope you find the one for you.

 

[Trent]

Really hope you find the one for you.

there is no "the one".

there is only "the one you are with".

people waiting for "the one" are waiting for the greenest grass ever.

and do you know where that appears?

always on the other side of the fence.

no, no, no.

the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence.

it's greener where you water it.

"the one you are with" is "the one" the moment you decide it is so.

most people will figure this out about sometime around death.

either five minutes before, or five minutes after...

 

[MissGuided]

the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence.
it's greener where you water it.

+1 for that portion alone...very well put, Trent!