Just Ranting

[nerdygirl]

Two years ago, I was looking for this kid I knew back in elementary school. I'd always wondered what happened to him. I was on myspace, and I did a search for that name. I found this guy with similar coloring, whose posted age was a little younger... but I often post fake info for privacy's sake. So, I wrote him. Of course, it wasn't the boy I'd known as a child.

Somehow, we found ourselves writing back and forth a long time, discovering we had a ton in common. We became really close friends. I'd say he was my best friend. We were each the only ones the other had for consistent communication. I was the only one who read all of his blogs on myspace, and he was the only one who looked at all of my posts on flickr and deviantart.

Last year, I confessed that I had a crush on him, but told him I really didn't want a relationship because I knew that I had far too much emotional baggage. At the time, I didn't know that I had emotional disorders. I only knew that I was a little "weird".

In March, he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I decided to go for it. He was my first boyfriend in five years. My third in thirteen. Eventually, our emotional issues led to us breaking up. I still have feelings for him, but I have really missed our friendship. At the end of last month, I wrote him to see if maybe we could try to resume our friendship. We started writing back and forth again.

I struggled to keep our topics to simple things, like movies and gaming, but he kept talking about how guilty he felt for the way things went. He apologized for dragging me out of my self-imposed isolation only to abandon me once I started feeling comfortable with him. It was horrible- every time he talked about it, it just reminded me of the pain. I finally couldn't take it any more. I let him know how hard it was for me. He said that if I needed a break, he'd be okay with that, but he'd rather not.

I told him that I was sorry, but I didn't think a break would work. I said I thought it would have to be permanent. I told him that I needed for us to be together... or to be nothing, and that I knew he wasn't up for more than friendship. I said it felt wrong to leave him waiting around for me to be okay, so I was going to do the most honorable thing and leave.

A few friends said I was taking the cowardly way out, running away from my feelings. But "Running away" implies that you're escaping from somewhere you're supposed to be. When I told him I thought I should go, he didn't ask me to stay. He just said "****" and he was sorry. I said I was sorry too.

Tonight, he deleted me from his friends on myspace. I used to be in the very first slot of his top 8. I've been there since before we tried to be a couple, and realizing he'd completely removed me was horrible. I rushed over to facebook and took a picture of the screen, where my face still sits among his friends.

I always feel like I'm alone. Because of the disorder... I even feel alone when I'm being held by somebody who cares. For the past two years... I felt a little less alone just because I was connected to him. And for a few minutes, I felt like I was back to being completely alone. But because of you, I'm not. I know somebody here is going to read this.

I don't really need anybody to comment on this thread. It's enough that I can see the views on this thing and know that somebody cared enough to see what I had to say. Ultimately, I'm still alone, but at least I know there's somebody else out there I can turn to some of the time. My most sincere thanks goes to you all.

 

[packyourbags]

(hug)
dear, i kinda have been going through a similar situation, and yes, the friendship is the most painful thing to lose.

(hug)

i am sorry that you are going through this i hope you find someone that would be the right person for you, and that will share a connection with you.

shade.

 

[Badjedidude]

*hug* Sorry about all that happening to you, nerdy. -_-

If you wanna chat about it, I'm here for ya.

----Steve

 

[evanescencefan91]

*hugs nerdy girl*

I'm so sorry about that

well you should still be proud of yourself for having the courage to tell him your true feelings

kudos for that

what disorder do you have? I have generalized anxiety/panic disorder

are you being treated or talking with a consular

anyways I'm sorry

I hope you can find another nice guy and things can work out better

*hugs*

 

[nerdygirl]

I have Emotional Deprivation Disorder and very high Alexithymia traits. They're not very common, so I'll explain.

Emotional Deprivation Disorder happens to some children who are abused and not given unconditional love. Basically... we do not learn how to process Love. We don't believe in the sincerity of those who show us affection. There isn't really a viable therapy for it. The only thing that seems to have worked for anybody is to have a therapist who shows unconditional love and support, and who can provide a stable and nurturing environment. This must happen for however long it takes for the patient to finally completely believe to their core that they are loved and worthy of being loved. I'm not really sure how it ever worked on anybody else, but it would be a horrible failure for me. The therapist is doing his/her job, with the ulterior motive of being paid.

Alexithymia is literally "without words for emotions". There are varying degrees of it. Some people cannot express how they feel with words. This isn't just about talking; they cannot write about it, either. I have a hard time feeling my own feelings. The really crappy thing is that sometimes emotions manifest in physical ways. Instead of being really angry, I could develop an ulcer. I don't know of any form of therapy that could help with this. You can only say so much about... the things you do not feel.

 

[loketron]

sorry to hear about that deary. i know how you feel, i miss my friend too but cant hold onto something that s not there i guess

youll find someone whos strong enough to stay, you'll see

 

[packyourbags]

This must happen for however long it takes for the patient to finally completely believe to their core that they are loved and worthy of being loved. I'm not really sure how it ever worked on anybody else, but it would be a horrible failure for me. The therapist is doing his/her job, with the ulterior motive of being paid.

you know, from knowing one person, a friends' therapist that was there for her through thick and thin, and was doing well more than just money would be a reason enough to cover, i kinda came to think about what you said.

i don't know other therapists, so i have no real ground for comparison. but i think that well, it's not that they only for the money. there are other ways of getting it, some better some worse.
so for me, logically, there must be reason they chose to do a job that is so hard to do, and requires so much. apparently there are at least some of them that do genuinely care about the people they support, and do all they can - but like all of us, they do need a roof over their head, and food to give their kids and so on, and if they didn't get paid for the time they spend supporting people that need them, they would not survive too long, right?

so how i'm thinking about it, they are there to support you, and you pay them not for that, but so that they can continue being there.

kinda my 2 cents.

i dont have any personal experience with how having a therapist feels, so i could be totally wrong. but i hope i'm right about this.

(hugs)

 

[Danielle]

nerdy, ((hugs)) thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. We are all here to chat, and if you'd like to talk privately, PM me anytime.

I think you did the right thing with your EX. You are very strong....so please don't doubt yourself.

you take care.... shout out whenever you need to!

 

[nerdygirl]

i don't know other therapists, so i have no real ground for comparison. but i think that well, it's not that they only for the money. there are other ways of getting it, some better some worse.
so for me, logically, there must be reason they chose to do a job that is so hard to do, and requires so much. apparently there are at least some of them that do genuinely care about the people they support, and do all they can - but like all of us, they do need a roof over their head, and food to give their kids and so on, and if they didn't get paid for the time they spend supporting people that need them, they would not survive too long, right?

(hugs)

As a massage therapist, I genuinely care about some of my clients, and I'm glad that I help alleviate their pain. I help with physical pain. I also listen to problems and sometimes even hug clients while they cry. But I can tell you this: That's not "Love", and it most certainly isn't unconditional "Love". It's my job. No money, no session.

I'm sure some shrinks care about their clients. Some hookers do, too. I could pay anybody to sit there and act like she/ he "loves" me, and it's possible that she/ he really would care about me... but ultimately, it's about that paycheck. If I suddenly lost my job, the odds are that therapist wouldn't even volunteer ten minutes of his/ her free time.

As long as there is an ulterior motive, and the "Love" is withdrawn as soon as that motivation is gone... the "Love" is not unconditional, and I am not a fool.

 

[kelbo]

As a massage therapist, I genuinely care about some of my clients, and I'm glad that I help alleviate their pain. I help with physical pain. I also listen to problems and sometimes even hug clients while they cry. But I can tell you this: That's not "Love", and it most certainly isn't unconditional "Love". It's my job. No money, no session.

I'm sure some shrinks care about their clients. Some hookers do, too. I could pay anybody to sit there and act like she/ he "loves" me, and it's possible that she/ he really would care about me... but ultimately, it's about that paycheck. If I suddenly lost my job, the odds are that therapist wouldn't even volunteer ten minutes of his/ her free time.

As long as there is an ulterior motive, and the "Love" is withdrawn as soon as that motivation is gone... the "Love" is not unconditional, and I am not a fool.

I completely agree with you. Yes the majority of people who become therapists are genuine nice people who do want to help. But - they are still there for a job, to be paid. Like you said no money, no session. Maybe the reason they want to help is because of an ulterior motive - maybe to even just feel good about themselves?
It would't be nice knowing your therapist was possibly there in this line of work to feel good about themselves at the end of the day - your problems and recovery (if it even happened) would be a basis of their achievements. Or that is how I see it.
I used to feel guilty because I never became any different in my therapy sessions, and I could she was getting frustrated - she didn't feel she was doing her job - so I lied, to make her feel better. And thus the world made sense again, she probably went home feeling happy because I was apparently better. Huzzah.

A real connection with someone who doesn't have to be there but they are - to want to be around you for you, is something that is very rare, but I think that is what could possibly make people feel less alone. That 'buzz' that feeling that someone has listened, took the time to listen and to understand you, is incredible. But hard to find.

As much as you feel alone, you aren't, because there are others feeling alone right next to you. It is just that buzz you don't feel. And when you get it, keep hold of it, until the next buzz you meet.

I'm here for you if you ever want to talk, even rant.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

((((Nerdygirl))))