el Jay
Well-known member
(cut out of my other topic)
Let me tell you about an online friend I know. I'll call her Tara (not real name of course). Known her for over a decade, she's like a little sister to me. Used to be really close back around 10 years ago. She moved out at 18 because her parents strongly disagreed with her sexuality (they even got her into a mental hospital for a week when they first found out). Ever since, she's lived on her own. It's been difficult. I had to help her find places to rent over the phone via collect calls more than once. Wired her a few hundred dollars to buy food in over the course of a few emergencies.
Over the years, we grew apart. She got a relationship and moved in with them eventually. We started talking less, and she started playing WoW and got her own clique there. We still sort of kept in contact, via my forum, but no more talking via IMs anymore. Eventually they broke up, and she moved to a different state close to one of her good friends from WoW. She's lived there a few years now. Been rough going, difficult to find work (she doesn't have any college education, really). Works overnight stocking for Walmart right now.
But she seems sort of content and happy, despite how rough her life's been, and how much stress and concern she doubtlessly has in her life to this day. She has friends she can hang out with. They do stuff together. They make plans, have fun. God, how I envy her for that. I've had it so easy in my life thus far compared to her, and yet I envy her? Obviously I only envy the friends part, but still. I know she's worked long and hard to even make it to where she is. She's more than earned that, and I'm very happy for her. But how do I find friends like that? How do I manage to reach that point? I'll be 30 in less than 2 years. Everyone else I know, my real life friend, my online friends, they HAVE friends that all share our common interests. If I lived close to any, I could share in that, but I'm still tied down here to my college for another year. Even then, what good would it do? It feels so incredibly selfish and arrogant to even think about wanting to share in the friends of those close to me. Maybe because I'd have to move close to them. Presumptuous, no guarantee I'd even fit in. And who the hell would ever ask someone if they could do something like that? It's stupid to even think about for a second.
But I still wonder what I could accomplish if I had friends that were close by. I've always needed someone else to allow me to really do great things. A second in command, an adjutant who will support me closely. On my own, I can rarely do anything. Too little confidence, too much anxiety. Things are overwhelming. But with other people to back me up, I'm invincible. But I've very rarely had one person backing me up, much less multiple. So I just sit by myself, drowning in loneliness and anxiety, no idea how to get out. No idea where I can even begin. And even if I began, would I find it in time? Could I find it in time? Could I even be happy with it? Would I know it if I found it? Or would I just stare at other people, with their own lives, concerns, stress, and happiness, and wish it could be me, even knowing how silly and self-destructive it is to think that way?
Recently I've started trying to talk with Tara via skype. She seems fine with it, but it feels weird to talk to her normally again, not via forum posts or emails. Out of place, like I don't belong. Back when she moved out 9 years ago, I was the only friend and support she had. We talked daily (or whenever she could get to the library to use a computer). But now she's been out in the real world with real friends, doing things, living. And here I am, still in the same house (albeit not for much longer), more or less the same person. No more friends than back then, really. I feel like she's outgrown her need for me. That I'm bothering her by trying to talk to her. What do we even have to talk about anymore? I still think of her as my little sister, and she used to think of me as her big brother, but she probably doesn't anymore. It makes me sad, but I don't want to bring it up out of fear it'd somehow sour her mood towards me. I just wanted her back in my life. Don't exactly have many other friends, even online, these days. But I wonder if we could ever be close again. Maybe not like we were, but just...something. Am I doing it just to mooch friends off of her, though? I don't even know them. Maybe I feel it would put me closer towards a social life, somehow.
But even then, my current only real life friend has a thing for her, and has had one for years. Approached her a few times, but she always rejected him. Lots of reasons why, but it seems like she would give it a try if they lived close enough to be a real life relationship. Makes me worry that if I ever got close to her again, or did something like move near her, that it would drive us apart out of jealousy or something. And there I go again with the "move to a friend" thing. How stupid and pathetic. Even despite his feelings for her, he still has a much better friendship than I do with her.
I don't even know what I should feel about the whole situation. Not just Tara, but life in general. Sometimes, when the lack of friends and interaction gets to me, it.. just goes beyond even anxiety. I guess I would call it despair. Just a sinking hollowness in my chest that just sits there. A hopelessness.
But maybe getting closer with her is what I need. To have someone to talk to, even if its just online. Maybe get interested in stuff she's interested in, and just let it happen. Maybe something like that is the right path. Maybe emailing her and asking for her skype the other day was the first step on this journey of a thousand miles. But I still have 999.99 miles left to go, so it's difficult to feel all that hopeful about it.
Let me tell you about an online friend I know. I'll call her Tara (not real name of course). Known her for over a decade, she's like a little sister to me. Used to be really close back around 10 years ago. She moved out at 18 because her parents strongly disagreed with her sexuality (they even got her into a mental hospital for a week when they first found out). Ever since, she's lived on her own. It's been difficult. I had to help her find places to rent over the phone via collect calls more than once. Wired her a few hundred dollars to buy food in over the course of a few emergencies.
Over the years, we grew apart. She got a relationship and moved in with them eventually. We started talking less, and she started playing WoW and got her own clique there. We still sort of kept in contact, via my forum, but no more talking via IMs anymore. Eventually they broke up, and she moved to a different state close to one of her good friends from WoW. She's lived there a few years now. Been rough going, difficult to find work (she doesn't have any college education, really). Works overnight stocking for Walmart right now.
But she seems sort of content and happy, despite how rough her life's been, and how much stress and concern she doubtlessly has in her life to this day. She has friends she can hang out with. They do stuff together. They make plans, have fun. God, how I envy her for that. I've had it so easy in my life thus far compared to her, and yet I envy her? Obviously I only envy the friends part, but still. I know she's worked long and hard to even make it to where she is. She's more than earned that, and I'm very happy for her. But how do I find friends like that? How do I manage to reach that point? I'll be 30 in less than 2 years. Everyone else I know, my real life friend, my online friends, they HAVE friends that all share our common interests. If I lived close to any, I could share in that, but I'm still tied down here to my college for another year. Even then, what good would it do? It feels so incredibly selfish and arrogant to even think about wanting to share in the friends of those close to me. Maybe because I'd have to move close to them. Presumptuous, no guarantee I'd even fit in. And who the hell would ever ask someone if they could do something like that? It's stupid to even think about for a second.
But I still wonder what I could accomplish if I had friends that were close by. I've always needed someone else to allow me to really do great things. A second in command, an adjutant who will support me closely. On my own, I can rarely do anything. Too little confidence, too much anxiety. Things are overwhelming. But with other people to back me up, I'm invincible. But I've very rarely had one person backing me up, much less multiple. So I just sit by myself, drowning in loneliness and anxiety, no idea how to get out. No idea where I can even begin. And even if I began, would I find it in time? Could I find it in time? Could I even be happy with it? Would I know it if I found it? Or would I just stare at other people, with their own lives, concerns, stress, and happiness, and wish it could be me, even knowing how silly and self-destructive it is to think that way?
Recently I've started trying to talk with Tara via skype. She seems fine with it, but it feels weird to talk to her normally again, not via forum posts or emails. Out of place, like I don't belong. Back when she moved out 9 years ago, I was the only friend and support she had. We talked daily (or whenever she could get to the library to use a computer). But now she's been out in the real world with real friends, doing things, living. And here I am, still in the same house (albeit not for much longer), more or less the same person. No more friends than back then, really. I feel like she's outgrown her need for me. That I'm bothering her by trying to talk to her. What do we even have to talk about anymore? I still think of her as my little sister, and she used to think of me as her big brother, but she probably doesn't anymore. It makes me sad, but I don't want to bring it up out of fear it'd somehow sour her mood towards me. I just wanted her back in my life. Don't exactly have many other friends, even online, these days. But I wonder if we could ever be close again. Maybe not like we were, but just...something. Am I doing it just to mooch friends off of her, though? I don't even know them. Maybe I feel it would put me closer towards a social life, somehow.
But even then, my current only real life friend has a thing for her, and has had one for years. Approached her a few times, but she always rejected him. Lots of reasons why, but it seems like she would give it a try if they lived close enough to be a real life relationship. Makes me worry that if I ever got close to her again, or did something like move near her, that it would drive us apart out of jealousy or something. And there I go again with the "move to a friend" thing. How stupid and pathetic. Even despite his feelings for her, he still has a much better friendship than I do with her.
I don't even know what I should feel about the whole situation. Not just Tara, but life in general. Sometimes, when the lack of friends and interaction gets to me, it.. just goes beyond even anxiety. I guess I would call it despair. Just a sinking hollowness in my chest that just sits there. A hopelessness.
But maybe getting closer with her is what I need. To have someone to talk to, even if its just online. Maybe get interested in stuff she's interested in, and just let it happen. Maybe something like that is the right path. Maybe emailing her and asking for her skype the other day was the first step on this journey of a thousand miles. But I still have 999.99 miles left to go, so it's difficult to feel all that hopeful about it.
