letting go

[danieljackson]

About 5 months ago the first and only person I ever loved broke up with me. She was my first girlfriend, and the first person with whom I experienced sexual intimacy. I still think about her every day. I try to remember how awful she was, as an effort to make me miss her less. She was manipulative, emotionally abusive, and occasionally physically abusive. I could go into specifics, but I won't. The truth is, in spite of her BS, I've never been happier in my life than when I was with her. The hardest part is that, to the best of my knowledge, she's the only person who's ever shared a mutual attraction with me. So I feel as if I have a snowball's chance in hell of ever being in another relationship.

As an effort to meet new people I signed up for an online dating website. Only one girl out of the 20 I messaged replied. This girl seemed pretty cool, and we messaged each other back and forth for a couple of weeks. Then one day, to my surprise, she had asked if I wanted to hang out. I was very pleased by this, nobody had ever asked me out before! So I sent her a message trying to work out the arrangement, and I didn't hear back from her for a few days. I logged on the site and she had deleted her profile. Had she merely lost her nerve? Was she just leading me on? I'll never know. What this experience has done, is reaffirm the fact that I'm unattractive, uninteresting, and socially inept.

So, my question to the people on this forum. How does someone move on without the ability to find someone new? How can I be OK with being single when I really don't have any friends?

 

[Cathedral]

All I know is that dating websites are bullshit and people are probably even less successful in finding that "special someone" on them than finding one IRL.

I never had a girlfriend in my life, so I guess you were lucky/unlucky, depending on how you would look at it.

 

[danieljackson]

All I know is that dating websites are bullshit and people are probably even less successful in finding that "special someone" on them than finding one IRL.

I never had a girlfriend in my life, so I guess you were lucky/unlucky, depending on how you would look at it.

In regards to dating websites being mostly bullshit, probably. I know guys who've had success on them, but they've had plenty of success outside of the internet as well.

I've thought about the whether I was lucky or unlucky regarding this girlfriend. I've had strong negative emotions before, during and after our relationship, who's to say that these negative emotions are worse now than before I met her.

 

[evanescencefan91]

*hugs daniel jackson*

I'm very sorry to hear about that, pretty much everyone will go through a bad break up or have their heart broken at least once in your life, your not alone in this

it'll take time, go through a mourning process, there's no shame in laying around in your pajamas and eating ice cream, even if you're a guy cause it's awesome hell I walk around in my pajamas all day eating ice cream even if I'm not sad, but if you don't care for that approach try being productive do something to take your mind off it, go to the gym go for a run go for a bike ride, endorphins are great antidepressants and really make you fell good,

try learning an instrument or taking a fun class

kittens also make you feel good, get a pet or voluenteer at the local animal shelter

I've tried a bunch of those online dating sites and I haven't had any luck wither, they really aren't all that great

I hope things get better man

*hugs*

 

[Lonesome Crow]

What??? U havnt had women take u home and wanna fix u yet?
U havnt had a couple of babes just go crazy on u either?

Not even a couple of stalkers?

Dude...u need to get back with her. Like live with her for a couple of years..she turn u into a crazy chicks magnet

 

[danieljackson]

*hugs daniel jackson*

I'm very sorry to hear about that, pretty much everyone will go through a bad break up or have their heart broken at least once in your life, your not alone in this

it'll take time, go through a mourning process, there's no shame in laying around in your pajamas and eating ice cream, even if you're a guy cause it's awesome hell I walk around in my pajamas all day eating ice cream even if I'm not sad, but if you don't care for that approach try being productive do something to take your mind off it, go to the gym go for a run go for a bike ride, endorphins are great antidepressants and really make you fell good,

try learning an instrument or taking a fun class

kittens also make you feel good, get a pet or voluenteer at the local animal shelter

I've tried a bunch of those online dating sites and I haven't had any luck wither, they really aren't all that great

I hope things get better man

*hugs*

Well I tried the eating to make me feel better thing for a while. Gained 15lbs! I like your volunteering at the animal shelter idea. Spending time with some little critters would definitely give me something to do. Thanks for the advice.

 

[Naleena]

What this experience has done, is reaffirm the fact that I'm unattractive, uninteresting, and socially inept.

**** son, you need to go back to the optometrist and get those glasses changed. There is nothing unattractive about how you look.
Must be your breath cause it ain't your looks. ROFLMAO!

 

[Limlim]

Possible she just deleted her profile because she found someone else in the meantime? I mean the idea with the dating sites is you're after several people at once, and likely delete your profile after you get one.

 

[WishingWell]

Hi again, Daniel,

I would like to say a few things about your post.

I had several boyfriends in my 53 years, and my marriage, which lasted 14 years also ended. I told you he was abusive, but only by ignoring me and doing his own thing...which left me lonely and depressed.

I have been away from him almost 7 years, and feel that he is the only man I ever loved. He died, so there is no chance of getting back together.

You are young and have many years ahead of you! You are wrong about the negative things you said about yourself. Although I am much older than you, I can see that you are an attractive man. You cared enough to reply to my post so that makes you caring and important.

I did a lot of online dating. I dated 20 men from Singles Sites over the years, and even though I didn't get into a relationship with any of them, it was ME. I didn't feel I was over my husband.

There are other dating sites out there; a few of them are free. If you would like the names of the ones I used, I will give them to you.

I know what it feels like to have no friends, but like I said, we can see if we can find things in common to write to each other about if you want. That's a start, anyway.

Judi

 

[Sci-Fi]

How can you say you were happy when you were with your ex if she was all those things? You might be mistaking happiness with just not be alone and having a girlfriend. Take this time to get to know yourself, and dating sites...yeah...haven't tried those but a guy I know who does doesn't have anyone special he's just "hooked up" with different girls only to find they aren't for him. Enjoy being on your own and having your freedom, and like some of the others suggested do something.

Personally, as hurt as you seem, trying to jump into another relationship to "move on" isn't the way to go. That is unless you find the perfect person, but get rid of your emotional baggage first. It's not easy and we can all tell you how to deal or give you suggestions but YOU have to do it for yourself, YOU have to make the decision to move on. Once you're ready to actually, really do that, it becomes a lot easier.

 

[ShybutHi]

Well atleast you have many different planets in the galaxy that you can go to, to find another partner... i have to just stick with Earth. Also you are an intelligent and talented guy, you are on the SG-1 team afterall so finding another mate shouldnt be very hard for you.

 

[danieljackson]

What this experience has done, is reaffirm the fact that I'm unattractive, uninteresting, and socially inept.

**** son, you need to go back to the optometrist and get those glasses changed. There is nothing unattractive about how you look.
Must be your breath cause it ain't your looks. ROFLMAO!

The person in my avatar is a television actor named Michael Shanks, he's not me. I'm probably not as ugly as I think

How can you say you were happy when you were with your ex if she was all those things? You might be mistaking happiness with just not be alone and having a girlfriend. Take this time to get to know yourself, and dating sites...yeah...haven't tried those but a guy I know who does doesn't have anyone special he's just "hooked up" with different girls only to find they aren't for him. Enjoy being on your own and having your freedom, and like some of the others suggested do something.

Personally, as hurt as you seem, trying to jump into another relationship to "move on" isn't the way to go. That is unless you find the perfect person, but get rid of your emotional baggage first. It's not easy and we can all tell you how to deal or give you suggestions but YOU have to do it for yourself, YOU have to make the decision to move on. Once you're ready to actually, really do that, it becomes a lot easier.

She had good qualities as well, when she was in a good mood she was very sweet, cute and funny; and when she was in an even better mood, she was also very sexually attractive. I tried leaving her twice over the course of the relationship because I knew how toxic she was for me, but she would always end up apologizing and I'd end up forgiving her. The heart wants what it wants, I guess.

The problem is that whenever I'm having a particularly bad day (like yesterday), I tend to think about her, and miss her. Or maybe it's not her specifically, I miss being in a relationship and she's the only one I've been in one with so I think of her. I can say with absolute confidence, that I have absolutely no desire to spend another minute of my time with her.

 

[WishingWell]

My X-husband had some great qualities, but the bad outweighed the good...I only found that out, however, by grieving the relationship and then realizing how bad he was for me. People tend to remember only the good things in a relationship. I sat down one day and drew a line down the middle of a piece of paper. One side was good and one side was bad...the bad side had more things on the lists...you will be able to do this too...but when you are ready to actually "LET GO", as you said. As time goes by, the pain gets less and less, believe me, please. Mine was a 14 year marriage, and it wasn't easy to get over.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I know u want some poon tang but
maybe u might wanna look up codependcy, abusive relations and stuff like that..becuse it bascially the samrthing. The last toxic relationship i was in nearly killed me. I still havnt fulley recoverred from it. I had PTSD
and all kinds of other fucken syndrom a shirnk can label....

Im also ACOA..basciall y my is a fucken luinatic alcoholic.. Very dysfuctional up bringing...yeah..yeah went to church and all that good honeysuckle..

It gose back into ur childhood, programing. Conditioning. Blueprint and all of that.

It felt good of coruse..it was comfortiable and familar as sick as it was...
mmm my ex gf had addictions of sorts..she bascially messed my brains ouit all the time...duh

 

[Sci-Fi]

I can say with absolute confidence, that I have absolutely no desire to spend another minute of my time with her.

You sound like you are already on your way to getting over her. Just keep reminding yourself of that when you feel like you miss her. Hate to tell you this but since you had such an emotional connection with her, mentally and physically, and she was "your first" you will never really truly be completely over her. I think you're going to be just fine though with time.

 

[danieljackson]

My X-husband had some great qualities, but the bad outweighed the good...I only found that out, however, by grieving the relationship and then realizing how bad he was for me. People tend to remember only the good things in a relationship. I sat down one day and drew a line down the middle of a piece of paper. One side was good and one side was bad...the bad side had more things on the lists...you will be able to do this too...but when you are ready to actually "LET GO", as you said. As time goes by, the pain gets less and less, believe me, please. Mine was a 14 year marriage, and it wasn't easy to get over.

Yeah, at first all I could do was think about the good memories, but then I forced myself to remember some of the bad things, and I even wrote them down. One thing that has helped, is the few times we've talked since our breakup, she always says something that makes me remember how much of a she-devil is.

You sound like you are already on your way to getting over her. Just keep reminding yourself of that when you feel like you miss her. Hate to tell you this but since you had such an emotional connection with her, mentally and physically, and she was "your first" you will never really truly be completely over her. I think you're going to be just fine though with time.

Part of it I believe is that I got into the dating thing a little late. I my teen years I was quite large, and quite depressed, so there was really no dating at all until after my 21st birthday. So when I finally did have my first relationship, I felt "normal" for the first time in my life. I think most of my grievance towards her is gone. Now I'm just hung up on the fact that I feel like a social outcast again.

But, today is a good day. I feel good. I just need to recognize that as low as my lows are, they're usually followed by days of not feeling bad at all. Maybe it's something to write on a piece of paper and stick to my wall, remind myself that it gets better.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

You know whats funni?
My current GF looks N acts just like my ex-wf....
Its comfortible and familar.hahahaaaa