lonely and depressed

[heavyfeather]

Admiting that you're lonely leads to depression, or is a sign for that. Even though I have a lot of friends, none of them are.. "friends", and I blame myself for that and the way I am. All I can do is say "I'll change my lifestyle and way of being" and move on, I'm never going to admit it's wrong, because it's not.
It's so wierd I found this forum, a few moments ago I was thinking that it sucks I didn't take my driving's licence yet and I felt like talking to a friend, then I realized I had noone to call to talk to about that. Noone that close anyway.
As for my love life, I'm so darn confuzed. Right when I thought I had it figured out -- snap, something else comes along and proves me I'm wrong. When I think about it, it usually ends up with "things would have been so much easier if..".
I don't know who I am anymore, what I want and how I got here. I lost it somewhere along the way..

 

[Lost_N_Alone]

Admiting that you're lonely leads to depression, or is a sign for that. Even though I have a lot of friends, none of them are.. "friends", and I blame myself for that and the way I am. All I can do is say "I'll change my lifestyle and way of being" and move on, I'm never going to admit it's wrong, because it's not.
It's so wierd I found this forum, a few moments ago I was thinking that it sucks I didn't take my driving's licence yet and I felt like talking to a friend, then I realized I had noone to call to talk to about that. Noone that close anyway.
As for my love life, I'm so darn confuzed. Right when I thought I had it figured out -- snap, something else comes along and proves me I'm wrong. When I think about it, it usually ends up with "things would have been so much easier if..".
I don't know who I am anymore, what I want and how I got here. I lost it somewhere along the way..

Hello heavyfeather, glad you found the forum and hope it helps. Your post sounds so much like how I feel. I lost myself a long time ago and can't seem to find my way back to happiness. I can sit and brood all day about how alone and depressed I am, which makes me even more depressed. Trying to do something to change it is what the hard part is.

Anyway, you're not alone.

 

[heavyfeather]

Good news, I failed my driving's licence test again

It's like all this must lead somewhere. Is there any satisfaction out of isolating yourself from the world? Do I really feel that it's worth it? I don't know what I feel, I'm always numb.
I wish it was all or nothing.. since I am like this, I might as well not have any feelings at all than to be depressed and unsure most of the time.
Today, I had some psihological test for the army or something (I'm more like the sensible type, army is not quite my style) and I thought I'd better see what happens if I lie. So I answered exacly the opposite. I felt awfull and that only proves I am used to be the way I am. Why is the ideea of doing the opposite of other people attract me so much?! If the majority decides what's "right", then what's so good in "wrong"?

 

[vivid_details]

Hey heavyfeather, don't feel bad about failing your test. I have a horror story to share. See out of about 100 people, who were all taking their test on the same day, waiting from 6 am, I was the last one, who sat for it at about 6.30 pm. I failed five seconds into the test because i forgot to put my seatbelt on. My seatbelt!, I barely moved the car. It was all so frustrating, and god forbid what happened next was utterly humiliating for I started crying! like a baby. The worst part was i couldnt stop. The whole testing drive shook their heads, laughed and stared at me, while i waited for my drive home.

as for your questions, based on personal experience, you can only answer them for yourself. Don't feel too bad about the lying, i think its a process of finding oneself, especially if one is as complex a creature as you sound to be, through trial and error. But if something makes you feel bad, don't do it the next time.

 

[heavyfeather]

I didn't even get to the car, I failed the test-paper exam for the 8th time. It's good though, because since cars aren't really my thing, I don't care much about the licence. I'm doing it cause my parents talked me into this and I'm not quitting cause .. they spent some money on it...

And I'm sorry about what happened with your test. I hate those awkward situations when you feel ashamed and all you want to do is get away from the **** thing as fast as possible. I used to get that a lot, I had this common sense of politeness and couldn't stand to think that someone thinks I'm ... bad or mean. It's starting to dissapear now, because I don't care about anything anymore and it's been a long time since I had that "shame" feeling.