jeljebouti
Member
Hello everyone,
I'm very new to this forum, found it probably about an hour ago to be honest. I've popped my head in a few threads already to say "hi" and introduce myself briefly, but I feel like this part of the forum is the best place to get into the meat of my particular case of loneliness and depression. And like many of you, I googled "I am lonely" and this is what popped up. Shut alone in my room on another Friday night. I'm 27 years old, I feel like I should be out living it up or whatever kids my age do. Truth is I've never been one for the bars and club scenes. Other than that, it's like some strange mystery to me how to meet people and make friends. I am currently going to school full time (art student
) and while I've met some very nice people, I wouldn't say I've made any friends to speak of. I had some friends when I was at community college, before I transferred to the uni I'm at now. Though now I don't go there, I feel isolated from them. We hung out all the time outside of school and now I never see them. What makes it worse is there's this girl that randomly decided she doesn't like me. And since they hang out with her a lot they say it'd just be awkward if I came along or whatever. It's so frustrating because I thought I was done putting up with such BS in high school. Ugh. Speaking of high school, I did have two pretty sweet years in tenth and eleventh grade with some great people I still keep in touch with now through facebook. Just as I felt school life becoming bearable, we had to sell the house and my mother moved us half way across the country just before my senior year. Nearly ten years later, I'm over that incident now though at the time it was quite traumatizing and took me a good six months to start getting over it. I did meet some nice folks there, then moved again to where I live now which brings me to my present state, having already told you all about my college experience thus far.
Another part of my loneliness lies within the church I attend. I don't want this to turn into a religious debate or anything, but for background context I attend the mormon church. I just wanted to say that when I started attending with my dad at age 11, I was initially excited because I thought that was the one place where you (theoretically) shouldn't have to try very hard to make friends. Everyone was extremely friendly and it seemed like a great place to be. 17 years later I'm still struggling to make friends and really just fit in. I feel like I'm too weird for them. I am by no means your average molly mormon girl, but in my mind, that shouldn't matter. I'm still going but, I really don't want to any more (loneliness aside, there are other issues). Another reason this becomes important for one thing it is an extremely social church. Going week after week and knowing what I missed out on during the week given how much they hang out, hurts. I'm not miss social butterfly, but I'm friendly to everyone and have come a long (looong) way with my shyness. Secondly, this church pushes getting married very heavily, as such I am attending what's called a single's ward where it's all singles ages 18 - 30. Been attending it for 7 long years and I've had one date... I'm not afraid to take the initiative either. It got to the point I was so frustrated with my non existent dating life that I found some guys online to go on dates with. Just a few, nothing really clicked though. I try every now and again, but with not much luck.
One last issue of my loneliness is my mother's Alzheimer's which I wanted to at least mention, but not quite get into yet.
When you sit here and read this it probably sounds very whiny, and maybe it is. I'm not trying to whine, but just telling it like it is. I don't want it to be like this, I'm trying hard for it not to be, but I don't always know what to do. Sometimes I try to tell others my struggles and I'm told to get over it.... Which doesn't exactly help my loneliness. I'm kind of at a loss a what I should do, I suppose that's why I'm here. It feels good at the very least to be where others do understand...
Naturally, this loneliness has not done much to help my depression. I know that in part my depression stems from a hormonal imbalance I have called PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome. So part of it is certainly chemical. I hate this depression because I feel like it's a lie. I don't have a bad life, even if it is an isolating one... But it makes things seem so much worse than it is. I know I was truly happy and carefree once. I'm not sure when that stopped exactly. All I know is the depression has been pretty severe over the last several years. I've never attempted suicide, though it has been on my mind from time to time. I want to be happy again, but I don't know how. There's so much darkness plaguing my soul right now.
I want to end this for now before it gets too much longer. I thank anyone who read my weepy tale of woe, and letting me get just get this out. If anything else, I'm just grateful you all are here. I really do hope I can get to know some of you and make some friends and hopefully help someone be a little less lonely.
I'm very new to this forum, found it probably about an hour ago to be honest. I've popped my head in a few threads already to say "hi" and introduce myself briefly, but I feel like this part of the forum is the best place to get into the meat of my particular case of loneliness and depression. And like many of you, I googled "I am lonely" and this is what popped up. Shut alone in my room on another Friday night. I'm 27 years old, I feel like I should be out living it up or whatever kids my age do. Truth is I've never been one for the bars and club scenes. Other than that, it's like some strange mystery to me how to meet people and make friends. I am currently going to school full time (art student
) and while I've met some very nice people, I wouldn't say I've made any friends to speak of. I had some friends when I was at community college, before I transferred to the uni I'm at now. Though now I don't go there, I feel isolated from them. We hung out all the time outside of school and now I never see them. What makes it worse is there's this girl that randomly decided she doesn't like me. And since they hang out with her a lot they say it'd just be awkward if I came along or whatever. It's so frustrating because I thought I was done putting up with such BS in high school. Ugh. Speaking of high school, I did have two pretty sweet years in tenth and eleventh grade with some great people I still keep in touch with now through facebook. Just as I felt school life becoming bearable, we had to sell the house and my mother moved us half way across the country just before my senior year. Nearly ten years later, I'm over that incident now though at the time it was quite traumatizing and took me a good six months to start getting over it. I did meet some nice folks there, then moved again to where I live now which brings me to my present state, having already told you all about my college experience thus far. Another part of my loneliness lies within the church I attend. I don't want this to turn into a religious debate or anything, but for background context I attend the mormon church. I just wanted to say that when I started attending with my dad at age 11, I was initially excited because I thought that was the one place where you (theoretically) shouldn't have to try very hard to make friends. Everyone was extremely friendly and it seemed like a great place to be. 17 years later I'm still struggling to make friends and really just fit in. I feel like I'm too weird for them. I am by no means your average molly mormon girl, but in my mind, that shouldn't matter. I'm still going but, I really don't want to any more (loneliness aside, there are other issues). Another reason this becomes important for one thing it is an extremely social church. Going week after week and knowing what I missed out on during the week given how much they hang out, hurts. I'm not miss social butterfly, but I'm friendly to everyone and have come a long (looong) way with my shyness. Secondly, this church pushes getting married very heavily, as such I am attending what's called a single's ward where it's all singles ages 18 - 30. Been attending it for 7 long years and I've had one date... I'm not afraid to take the initiative either. It got to the point I was so frustrated with my non existent dating life that I found some guys online to go on dates with. Just a few, nothing really clicked though. I try every now and again, but with not much luck.
One last issue of my loneliness is my mother's Alzheimer's which I wanted to at least mention, but not quite get into yet.
When you sit here and read this it probably sounds very whiny, and maybe it is. I'm not trying to whine, but just telling it like it is. I don't want it to be like this, I'm trying hard for it not to be, but I don't always know what to do. Sometimes I try to tell others my struggles and I'm told to get over it.... Which doesn't exactly help my loneliness. I'm kind of at a loss a what I should do, I suppose that's why I'm here. It feels good at the very least to be where others do understand...
Naturally, this loneliness has not done much to help my depression. I know that in part my depression stems from a hormonal imbalance I have called PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome. So part of it is certainly chemical. I hate this depression because I feel like it's a lie. I don't have a bad life, even if it is an isolating one... But it makes things seem so much worse than it is. I know I was truly happy and carefree once. I'm not sure when that stopped exactly. All I know is the depression has been pretty severe over the last several years. I've never attempted suicide, though it has been on my mind from time to time. I want to be happy again, but I don't know how. There's so much darkness plaguing my soul right now.
I want to end this for now before it gets too much longer. I thank anyone who read my weepy tale of woe, and letting me get just get this out. If anything else, I'm just grateful you all are here. I really do hope I can get to know some of you and make some friends and hopefully help someone be a little less lonely.
