Maintaining Friendships

[Case]

I seem to be horrible at maintaining friendships that I value. Oftentimes, I want the other person to "do the work" and contact me because the energy it takes for me to contact them is sometimes too much for me. (Maybe it's the introvert in me.) I also have that negative self-talk in my head that says things like, "They don't REALLY want to be your friend, so don't even try contacting them, loser." And I listen to this voice more than I should.

I remember visiting a friend once and he asked me to excuse him for a few minutes while he made a few calls. He proceeded to go through his phone list, dialed about five numbers, had two short conversations with people just to connect with them again, and he left three voice mails that said he wanted to touch base with them, and then gave me his undivided attention. I thought it was amazing that he did that. It never occurred to me to contact people like that. Maybe it's something I need to try.

This year, I have made one of my goals to be reconnecting with friends that slipped away from me due to neglect.

My question to you is how do you maintain your friendships?

 

[Indifferent]

Honesty works, which is hard to do when things become complicated and layered, but it's essential.

I let my friend move in with me, when he lost his apartment, rent-free while he looked for a job. We're both introverts so when he had to get away before he had his place, I had my place, or he would excuse himself from what we were doing and I'd leave when I felt like leaving. After a couple unsuccessful months obviously we were spending too much time together and we started having conflicting emotions. When he went home I was really mad at him for leaving me in disarray, no food (he was supposed to contribute some food) and I was almost losing my apartment, but after we talked about it a few weeks later a lot of it was misunderstandings and things have steadily been getting better. It's a shame we can't hang out occasionally though since he's too far away now at his moms.

Relationships that're worth maintaining are those where both people are willing to participate. I've had quite a few good friends, none of which I regret having, but clearly only one was accepting and worth keeping.

 

[mintymint]

Someone has to do the work. It doesn't do itself. It's good to let people know how you feel. That you want them in your life, and that you want to spend time with them.

 

[Sci-Fi]

You know, when its you that does it all the time it does get tiring and you just give up. Why waste the energy to contact people who never return the gesture.

 

[Regumika]

"They don't REALLY want to be your friend, so don't even try contacting them, loser." And I listen to this voice more than I should.

Not everyone you talk to is normal. Some might be just like you on the inside. Maybe they feel that YOU don't really care to be their friend.

Some thoughts have been in my head along with that.. "If they are really my friends, they would contact me and see how I am doing." But we often fail to see the flip side, if they are important to you why don't YOU contact them and see how they are doing?

My question to you is how do you maintain your friendships?

Like Indifferent said, honesty and the willingness of both sides to want it to work out.

 

[Case]

Relationships that're worth maintaining are those where both people are willing to participate.

I love this sentiment. Unfortunately, I think I might fall into friendships with people who are similarly introverted and might expect ME to make the attempt when I'm feeling the same about them. That's partly why I get along with extroverts better because they have no problem doing the contacting.

Also, I accept the fact that not everyone will want to be my friend, but I wish that didn't bother me as much as it did. If I could not care as much when people don't want to be my friend, I might be better off. (Or, I might turn into a jerk who only cares about myself, which would suck all way around.)

Not everyone you talk to is normal. Some might be just like you on the inside. Maybe they feel that YOU don't really care to be their friend.

This is true. I realize that people have many of the same anxieties, worries, and do the same over-thinking tendencies as me. I'd love to be friends with these people because they would know how I think already, but it's like the classic joke where one person asks another "What do you want to do tonight?" and the other says "I dunno. What you YOU want to do tonight?" It becomes a social stalemate until someone takes the initiative.

Some thoughts have been in my head along with that.. "If they are really my friends, they would contact me and see how I am doing." But we often fail to see the flip side, if they are important to you why don't YOU contact them and see how they are doing?

Very true. And the answer to that is often a voice in my head that goes, "They're busy. Don't bother them." And then I slink back into my shell and exacerbate my loneliness problem.

This thread is partially my meditation on how I need to get a handle on my fears, which are the voices telling me to stop doing things that aren't inherently dangerous, but also a forum for people to think about how they put forth the effort to maintain a friendly bond.

 

[Regumika]

This thread is partially my meditation on how I need to get a handle on my fears, which are the voices telling me to stop doing things that aren't inherently dangerous, but also a forum for people to think about how they put forth the effort to maintain a friendly bond.

You're definitely not alone in this.

 

[Spy]

Hi Case, I suggest that you read this book. I know. I was written in the 1930 but it's one of the best book about human relations. Take a look to all the evaluations on amazon.

The book is called: How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie. Forget about the name. It's not really about influencing others in a bad way. This book was very helpful to me.

http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Frien...words=how+to+win+friends+and+influence+people

Good luck and just tell us if you read it

 

[EveWasFramed]

My two cents - it get extremely tedious being the one to reach out all the time. It can really make you feel like the other person could take you or leave you - which sucks.

 

[ardour]

As Eve said, if you're the one initiating all the time then they aren't a friend, or least not a friend you should bother with.

 

[EveWasFramed]

As Eve said, if you're the one initiating all the time then they aren't a friend, or least not a friend you should bother with.

I agree with this about 50%. Some people are good people, they just simply don't have it in them to keep up with people for whatever reason. I guess there are probably a few people who are worth making the extra effort. But you're right - some just aren't.

 

[Spy]

As Eve said, if you're the one initiating all the time then they aren't a friend, or least not a friend you should bother with.

In this case, I consider them acquaintance or occasionnal friend.

Real close friend will call or email you sometimes to have news from you.

 

[ardour]

If someone you thought was a real friend - not an acquaintance - hasn't called or sent a message after a significant time, let's say 6 months, then they I think it's safe to say they weren't a friend to begin with. It takes next to no effort to type a few words, so either they can't be bothered doing that or it's avoidance. In both cases it's not someone worth worrying about.

 

[Spy]

If someone you thought was a real friend - not an acquaintance - hasn't called or sent a message after a significant time, let's say 6 months, then they I think it's safe to say they weren't a friend to begin with. It takes next to no effort to type a few words, so either they can't be bothered doing that, or it's avoidance. In both cases it's not someone worth worrying about.

I agree.

I am also adding another point.

If your friend is always asking you a favor and never giving you a favor then this friend might not be a real friend. Friendship is about giving and receiving. If you are always giving and never receiving then it's not a real friendship.

 

[Indifferent]

I agree with this about 50%. Some people are good people, they just simply don't have it in them to keep up with people for whatever reason.

Introverts I've noticed aren't aware sometimes when they're not following up or when they're being what can be considered inconsiderate. When you're only truly comfortable on your own, and feel "good" when you're doing stuff by yourself, then if the other person's not around it's pretty easy to get caught up in your own activities or thoughts. This thread's making me miss my best friend

 

[Case]

The book is called: How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie. Forget about the name. It's not really about influencing others in a bad way. This book was very helpful to me.

I've flipped through this book on occasion, so I am aware of its potential value. How did it help you? Do you actively practice what it teaches?

My two cents - it get extremely tedious being the one to reach out all the time. It can really make you feel like the other person could take you or leave you - which sucks.

My problem, as I mentioned here in brief, is that my head tells me that someone doesn't want to hear from me when (perhaps) the other person made no such indication to me. So in a sense, my own anxieties prevent friendships from progressing, and I inadvertently leave the other person thinking I'm a jerk. (Mind you, I don't have any evidence that anyone has reacted this way, but it seems to be a plausible scenario.)

If someone you thought was a real friend - not an acquaintance - hasn't called or sent a message after a significant time, let's say 6 months, then they I think it's safe to say they weren't a friend to begin with. It takes next to no effort to type a few words, so either they can't be bothered doing that or it's avoidance. In both cases it's not someone worth worrying about.

This is one of my biggest fears on this subject because there are people I haven't been in touch with in several months who I am quite fond of, and this tells me that they think I'm either a bad friend or was never their friend at the start. Of course, this isn't true, but knowing that people may think this way tells me I need to be more diligent in keeping these friendships active, or risk losing these connections forever.

============

THE FACEBOOK PROBLEM: I have a platonic female friend who I socialized with occasionally until she moved to a different area. I still kept in touch with her via Facebook, and we'd exchange "Likes" and comments. There was even a promise to get together when the father of a mutual friend passed away, but this never happened. Now, the exchanges have stopped. She doesn't reply to any status comments I write to her, nor does she extend any comment to any of my statuses. I've now relegated her to "Facebook Friend" status because the amount of effort it would take me to re-ignite a friendship with her is probably too much for me. I think this is an example of one that "got away." Sometimes, it just happens. People prioritize others based on how convenient it is to be friends with others, and for some people, convenience is the only thing keeping people together. Make it less convenient, and people are more and more inclined to let a friendship die. This is just my observation. I could be wrong.

 

[Goblin]

I remember visiting a friend once and he asked me to excuse him for a few minutes while he made a few calls. He proceeded to go through his phone list, dialed about five numbers, had two short conversations with people just to connect with them again, and he left three voice mails that said he wanted to touch base with them, and then gave me his undivided attention. I thought it was amazing that he did that. It never occurred to me to contact people like that. Maybe it's something I need to try.

This is the kind of thing that baffles me, though I know it's normal and commonplace to contact friends just to talk - on the phone, no less. I have so little "social energy." And what would I talk about, anyway? What would I say when my life and what I've been doing come up?

 

[Spy]

The book is called: How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie. Forget about the name. It's not really about influencing others in a bad way. This book was very helpful to me.

I am trying to practice what I learned from this book. In the recent past, I was very negative and this book helped me to change my attitude and be more positive especially when dealing with people. If I have only one book to suggest you, it's this one.

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

I usually keep in contact with them as much as I can. Usually send them messages, e-mails and eventually they'll respond back to me. If they simply don't respond to me though I eventually end up giving up and leaving them alone. If there's one thing I won't do is nag other people. If people stop speaking to or answering me back for some reason I end up thinking they hate me or they no longer wish to talk to me. So I kinda give up on them: it's hard to maintain relationships but true friends always stick around. =)

​

 

[Case]

I am trying to practice what I learned from this book. In the recent past, I was very negative and this book helped me to change my attitude and be more positive especially when dealing with people. If I have only one book to suggest you, it's this one.

I'm reading the book now. I probably maintain my few friends because I am generally a pleasant, amiable person. When others get angry while driving, I am routinely calm. When I worked a retail job, coworkers would often get upset at bad customers when I let it roll off my shoulders.

I'm looking forward to see what other benefits this book offers.