Maintaining Friendships

[jjam]

This is the kind of thing that baffles me, though I know it's normal and commonplace to contact friends just to talk - on the phone, no less. I have so little "social energy." And what would I talk about, anyway? What would I say when my life and what I've been doing come up?

I was thinking the same thing after reading a comment earlier in the thread, and it inhibits me as well. The side of me that is capable of giving advice says don't let what's going on in YOUR life be the motivation to reach out. Instead, let the genuine curiosity about what's going on in theirs be the motivation. When showing concern about their life is at 99% of the motivation, and sharing your life, including any potential embarrassment that could come from the goings on of it, is at 1%, then you're over the hurdle and can make the call or compose and send the letter.

I am grateful for this thread. I am going to call a friend this week who called me months ago. He came to my hometown and invited me out, and I was late getting the message. I remain embarrassed about that, but now it is time to suck it up. Here's something I'd be embarrassed about sharing, which I will not. The truth is I often avoid checking my messages because I rarely get a call from a friend, I get a ton of harassment about student loan repayment (sometimes not even for me), and I have a dependent who gets a ton of calls (my phone and bill, like all else around here).

 

[Goblin]

This is the kind of thing that baffles me, though I know it's normal and commonplace to contact friends just to talk - on the phone, no less. I have so little "social energy." And what would I talk about, anyway? What would I say when my life and what I've been doing come up?

I was thinking the same thing after reading a comment earlier in the thread, and it inhibits me as well. The side of me that is capable of giving advice says don't let what's going on in YOUR life be the motivation to reach out. Instead, let the genuine curiosity about what's going on in theirs be the motivation. When showing concern about their life is at 99% of the motivation, and sharing your life, including any potential embarrassment that could come from the goings on of it, is at 1%, then you're over the hurdle and can make the call or compose and send the letter.

My life isn't my motivation to reach out. That's quite an assumption. I was commenting that I feel awkward and incapable of reciprocating when the conversation inevitably turns to what I've been up to and what I'm feeling. Other people are happy to update me and share their successes, discoveries, and heartaches, but I have so little to share.

Without something to say, I feel like I'm intruding. Not much happens over the course of a few days that feels like something to share, even if I've been busy.

 

[jjam]

Okay, maybe that was poorly stated on my part.

I wasn't trying to say your life is the motivation. I'm saying that you're allowing your life to be an inhibitor. I'm trying to say don't worry about your life, worry about theirs. Let that worry be the driver, not concern over not being able to share fun and exciting things about your life.

 

[Goblin]

Okay, maybe that was poorly stated on my part.

I wasn't trying to say your life is the motivation. I'm saying that you're allowing your life to be an inhibitor. I'm trying to say don't worry about your life, worry about theirs. Let that worry be the driver, not concern over not being able to share fun and exciting things about your life.

Easier said than done. If I could simply stop I wouldn't be feeling this way in the first place.

 

[jjam]

Always easier said than done, but having a strategy can help.

I just wasn't sure you were aware of the strategy to make the effort to shift your focus. I find that when I focus on the gesture itself, and the positivity behind it, all else is incredibly petty in comparison. I don't have a love life and you do? What does that have to do with being a friend? I don't make a lot of money and you do? What does that have to do with being a friend? I haven't left my state in years and you travel frequently? What does that have to do with being a friend? I am in terrible shape, while you're well on your way to being fit to model and run marathons? What does that have to do with being a friend? I'm calling/writing to be a friend.

Try adding to that with your own ideas.

 

[Goblin]

Always easier said than done, but having a strategy can help.

I just wasn't sure if you were aware of the strategy to make the effort to shift your focus. I find that when I focus on the gesture itself, and the positivity behind it, all else is incredibly petty in comparison. I don't have a love life and you do? What does that have to do with being a friend? I don't make a lot of money and you do? What does that have to do with being a friend? I haven't left my state in years and you travel frequently? What does that have to do with being a friend! I am in terrible shape, while you're well on your way to being fit to model and run marathons? What does that have to do with being a friend. I'm calling/writing to be a friend.

Try adding to that with your own ideas.

Advice of my own: Questions are often better than assumptions when trying to advise someone, especially if the advice is unsolicited.

That's all I have left to say here.

 

[jaguarundi]

I think I'm opposite to you here, in that I ALWAYS seem to be the ringer rather than the ringee. Sometimes it really p*sses me off that my friends just don't seem to bother to keep in touch and leave it all to me. I find myself wondering if they just don't care, or do they think that they are so wonderful that they don't need to make an effort?? Or maybe they are a bit like you? HMMMM now there's a thought.....

But the thing is - if I don't call them and they don't call me - then what? So kiddo, think about calling them. I would LOVE for some of my pals to call me up, show that they think about me at least some of the time, suggest meeting for a coffee or whatever - and your pals might feel the same. Don't be offended if they are busy and can't talk at the moment, find out when it's ok to call back. And if they really don't want to be bothered with you, then they aren't friend material so move on!

 

[jjam]

Always easier said than done, but having a strategy can help.

I just wasn't sure if you were aware of the strategy to make the effort to shift your focus. I find that when I focus on the gesture itself, and the positivity behind it, all else is incredibly petty in comparison. I don't have a love life and you do? What does that have to do with being a friend? I don't make a lot of money and you do? What does that have to do with being a friend? I haven't left my state in years and you travel frequently? What does that have to do with being a friend! I am in terrible shape, while you're well on your way to being fit to model and run marathons? What does that have to do with being a friend. I'm calling/writing to be a friend.

Try adding to that with your own ideas.

Advice of my own: Questions are often better than assumptions when trying to advise someone, especially if the advice is unsolicited.

That's all I have left to say here.

There were tons of questions in that post!

A question I could have asked is one you answered before I needed to.
Question: What keeps you from calling a friend or friends the way that buddy of yours did?
Your answer: I don't feel I have interesting things to share about my life. "Without something to say, I feel like I'm intruding."

My advice was based purely on this stuff, which I FULLY relate to. I'm not sorry if you can't appreciate what I had to share on the matter.

 

[in_betweener]

In the past I didn't really made an effort and had no perspective on how to build a friendship through time. When I was 15 or 16 I invited lots of friends from my school to go to the movies, we were supposed to meet in a bus stop near our school, and when I arrived nobody was there. As the time went on and nobody came I started to stress (btw this was before mobile phones appeared). Eventually a girl appeared and as she realised we were alone she started to complain that she had to miss a rehearsel or some honeysuckle like that in order to be at my birthday. Finally I called it off and went back home to much surprise of my parents. The other day my friends told me they'd forgotten about it. And to this day - i'm 28 now - I hate birthdays and never given a party because of it. That experience just left me devastated and was one of the few times that I organized something.
Thing is just because people disappoint, you don't have to stop investing in them and I'm beggining to understand that it does take some effort to maintain a friendship because you can't be always doing what you want and feeling down for friends no calling you. Like for instance if someone wants you to be physically at a special ocasion even if you feel like declining it's good if you go. It's not hipocritical to make an effort for a friend.
Also, to the people complaining of lacking social energy, maybe you guys have the same problem as me which is trying to reach out to someone and failing miserably. But it's part of the scheme of things, sometimes friends aren't available, sometimes they're busy with their lives, sometimes they don't hear from you in ages and they'll forget. The more you you be with them and make an effort, the more you'll get in return.

 

[Sun35]

I seem to be horrible at maintaining friendships that I value. Oftentimes, I want the other person to "do the work" and contact me because the energy it takes for me to contact them is sometimes too much for me. (Maybe it's the introvert in me.) I also have that negative self-talk in my head that says things like, "They don't REALLY want to be your friend, so don't even try contacting them, loser." And I listen to this voice more than I should.

I remember visiting a friend once and he asked me to excuse him for a few minutes while he made a few calls. He proceeded to go through his phone list, dialed about five numbers, had two short conversations with people just to connect with them again, and he left three voice mails that said he wanted to touch base with them, and then gave me his undivided attention. I thought it was amazing that he did that. It never occurred to me to contact people like that. Maybe it's something I need to try.

This year, I have made one of my goals to be reconnecting with friends that slipped away from me due to neglect.

My question to you is how do you maintain your friendships?

I seem to be horrible at maintaining friendships that I value. Oftentimes, I want the other person to "do the work" and contact me because the energy it takes for me to contact them is sometimes too much for me. (Maybe it's the introvert in me.)

If you're an introvert then I suggest go for a friend(a person) who is more of an introvert(not 100%) but more like it say highly reserved, quite etc you may it easier as both of you will probably have a similar thought process.

Well there is no clear cut or fool proof way of maintaining friendships.It's difficult but not impossible,I suppose one has to be innovative and find new ways to maintain friendships but....

One way:- Go for more likes in the other person in that way there will be lesser fights ,arguments, misunderstandings and greater acceptance(as friends) and you will be on a common ground but you have to be careful as too much of likes can also cause boredom and lose interest in friendship.

The above point also applies in general for relationships like marriage/love.

 

[Case]

If you're an introvert then I suggest go for a friend(a person) who is more of an introvert(not 100%) but more like it say highly reserved, quite etc you may it easier as both of you will probably have a similar thought process.

I would not dismiss a reserved person as a friend, and I have found them to be great people, but it's harder to get them to express themselves. That's why I have done far better with extroverts. They can be exhausting at times, but I can be the quiet friend while they are the social butterfly.

That being said, beggars can't be choosers, and I would accept anyone as a friend that I have a connection with.

 

[jaguarundi]

case wrote

That being said, beggars can't be choosers, and I would accept anyone as a friend that I have a connection with

Absolutely!! I have just 2 friends here in France, one of whom I often meet Monday mornings for a coffee at a bar in the village. Today she texted to say she was going with her husband, couldn't say what time she would be there. I hadn't spoken a word to one single person from Wednesday ( and then it was only 10 mins on the phone) until yesterday (Sunday) - and yesterday was when I cleaned my difficult and unloving father's house. If I go to the bar for coffee and she doesn't turn up I will be sitting on my own feeling like honeysuckle - angry honeysuckle. When she does turn up with her hubby, he usually gets restless at the girl talk, and has things to do so they leave after 1 coffee and 20 mins. So again, I am left feeling shitty and angry, having got ready (maybe even a bit of makeup) and got down there for practically nothing... so today I am not going.

Thing is though, after all that ranting I did just there, and the fact that she just doesn't really get how lonely and pissed off I get - I am not going to stop our friendship. I have few other choices, and although she has pissed me off today, I will try not to brood, and will get over it. She has other strengths and qualities and I know that she will (probably) try to meet up later this week for a longer chat. . . .

 

[FreedomFromLiberty]

I seem to be horrible at maintaining friendships that I value. Oftentimes, I want the other person to "do the work" and contact me because the energy it takes for me to contact them is sometimes too much for me. (Maybe it's the introvert in me.)

Yeah, that's me to a T. I hate initiating contact with people, and I just want them to do it. I'm REALLY passive in my relationships and I think I can say that it is probably the single biggest reason I am lonely. It's not that people hate me, or that I hate other people; I just don't do anything to keep them in my life, and then they drift away.

I don't even bother starting friendships either because I know I won't do what needs to be done to maintain them. So.... my loneliness is largely self-created.