Making conversation and talking

[Angelo91]

~Hello~
I just want to let this out and see what yall think.

I have trouble with talking to people it seems, ecspeicially if they are my age. It feels like Im not connecting with the other person while they are telling me something. Like I don't know what to say back to them. When I reply i feel like i said the wrong thing too them. It feels like everything I do is awkward to the other person, then I get anxiety. I get just paranoid and wanting to leave the sittuation emediatly.

I hope you can understand that.

ps. im 18 and a guy

 

[Brian]

Ask questions. You can never go wrong by asking questions about whatever they're saying. And don't be afraid to be honest about not knowing much about a topic...if you present it right, your forthrightness will keep anybody from laughing at you (though most adults won't, anyway, unless they're just kidding with you), and you'll keep them talking.

Body language is also very important. Stand in front of a mirror some time and figure out how to look interested: cock your head slightly, nod a bit, furrow your eyebrows at key points. Verbally acknowledge things they say as they're talking. As you do this, you'll be able to become more and more animated; more 'lifelike', so to speak.

So if I'm talking to my co-worker Willard about cars, a topic on which he is almost an expert and I know very little, and he's telling me about the quad carburator he's sticking on his trans-am that he's rebuilding, I'm going to pay attention and ask appropriate questions. Why is it quad chamber? Why not just one big one? Why not replace it with fuel injection? Things like that.

And if you KNOW you're about to ask a stupid question, smile and frown just a little bit, maybe cant your head so you're not looking straight at them, like you know it sounds funny. And narrate with your hands. So when I'm asking about why it's not just one big carburator instead of 4 little chambers, I'm going to make a big circle with my hands, maybe shake em a little for emphasis on 'BIG'. Then when he laughs, he's laughing at my joke, not me...and I'm now considered humorous.

Doing this, as you get more familiar with people, it becomes easier. Fake it till you make it! Eventually it becomes habit, and you start noticing the subtle nuances of voice intonation and body posture. Watch yourself as well as others and you'll be able to pick it up naturally.

 

[Naval_Fluff]

Find someone's interest and create a conversation around that. Music, hey, did you go to Warped Tour? Art, which is your favortie artist and why? Talk about things they like and are familiar with. Try to avoid topics that they know nothing about. Don't talk about sports too much if that isn't their thing, and try to find some even ground, something you both enjoy. Good luck! I hope this helps!

 

[Angelo91]

I havent ever thought of my body langauage but now im going to work on that the best I can now. I been like this for years. Wow what an eye opener. I hope my bodylanguage is the problem, not aspergers or something. Im so stressed out and thinking something is really wrong with me.

 

[Brian]

I havent ever thought of my body langauage but now im going to work on that the best I can now. I been like this for years. Wow what an eye opener. I hope my bodylanguage is the problem, not aspergers or something. Im so stressed out and thinking something is really wrong with me.

Yep, body language is huge.

Don't worry too much about it, bud. When I was 17 and 18 I had been a shut-in for years. I started getting out in the world and pursuing my goals and found that I couldn't even hardly hold a conversation, at all. A lot of it is just making yourself experience it, and learning 'hands on' so to speak.

Doing things, experiencing life, is also important. I found that with no job and no real hobbies besides video games, it was hard to converse or relate to people. When I got a job and started working, started getting out and doing more things (even by myself), I found I could relate better and make more of a connection.


So now, every now and then I just try something different to do. Until two years ago, I had only been fishing one time in my entire life. But I tried it one day and found I liked it. So now I fish rather frequently, and I even bought a boat.

(You don't have to have heaps of money, either...I only make about 20k a year. Less after taxes, and it's not like I'll be paying less of those any time soon. It's all about management, cutting other expenses [I unplug everything but my fridge when I'm gone to save power, really helps], and finding the right deals.)

I've never gone mountain biking before, but I decided it sounded pretty cool and did some research, and just today bought my first bike. If the weather cooperates, I'm going riding tomorrow or Saturday. And come this winter I've vowed to try a winter sport...maybe snowboarding, or Nordic skiing.

These are all things I can not only enjoy, and invite other people to do or go do with other people, but they are experiences I can draw on to communicate with a variety of individuals. I can talk to my rock climber buddy about the sweet trail ride I had and how I'm getting used to my bike, or talk to my coworker about the huge fish I caught over the weekend (or lack thereof!). And then, since I'm connecting with those people, we'll interact better, and those interactions are things to talk about with others.


It's like a big web that you have to weave, but once you've got those first strands up, the rest comes easier upon that framework.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Don't worry...I'm not Brain's age and I still don't understand him

 

[PoWer2tHePeOpLE]

talk about whatever YOU like and if THEY cant relate its THEIR problem.

 

[Brian]

Don't worry...I'm not Brain's age and I still don't understand him

Oh c'mon, not even the spider web bit? I was thinking of you when I wrote it. I was like, 'This is totally something crow would type, except with a bit better spelling'.

talk about whatever YOU like and if THEY cant relate its THEIR problem.

Well, if everyone was like that none of us would communicate.

It's a two-way street. Obviously you talk about yourself, too. But for someone who finds it difficult to communicate, it's easier to start with letting other people carry most of the conversation and you just provide the cues. At least that's what I've found. They're focused on what they're telling you about; you can focus on being more comfortable and at ease, and responding with more than a cold, blank stare.

And when I first started getting out in to the world, I actually encountered kind of a problem. Having led a reclusive lifestyle for several years, what did I like? Video games? Food? I found a lack of life experience (especially considering I was the youngest of the people I knew by about ten years) left me with a lack of things to talk about.

 

[heretostay]

i had a real problem talking to people when i was younger. such a big problem that i was referred to a psychiatrist. lol

but what it comes down to is just getting comfortable in your own skin (and of course learning a few social skills on the way). i make few friends, but i dont really care anymore. i used to think there was something wrong with me, but now i realize that i am different, and that's ok. some people that talk to me, it sounds like noise and i think my eyes just glaze over. no big deal. but once in awhile i click with someone. and that's fine by me.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Oh c'mon, not even the spider web bit? I was thinking of you when I wrote it. I was like, 'This is totally something crow would type, except with a bit better spelling'.

I get the spyder weaving bit...That's just it. I can't convieve
how that would be benificial.
Once there was a spyder in my bed. I got tangled in her web of love and lies.


Okay...so I was thinking Brian be in touch wit his feminist side.
Needles and threads...needles and threads.
Errr WTF ???...I don't know how to sew.

 

[PoWer2tHePeOpLE]

talk about whatever YOU like and if THEY cant relate its THEIR problem.

Well, if everyone was like that none of us would communicate.

It's a two-way street. Obviously you talk about yourself, too. But for someone who finds it difficult to communicate, it's easier to start with letting other people carry most of the conversation and you just provide the cues. At least that's what I've found. They're focused on what they're telling you about; you can focus on being more comfortable and at ease, and responding with more than a cold, blank stare.

And when I first started getting out in to the world, I actually encountered kind of a problem. Having led a reclusive lifestyle for several years, what did I like? Video games? Food? I found a lack of life experience (especially considering I was the youngest of the people I knew by about ten years) left me with a lack of things to talk about.

youre right Brian, i was just being a bit lazy and taking an extreme position regarding being yourself and adhering to the perspective that you must first of all be true to who you are, and if playing video games is something you enjoy doing and are passionate about then you have all the right to talk about this topic without feeling as though this is paltry converstional fodder. in the same way that there is obviously nothing wrong with talking about food or anything else that is apparently not interesting enough to be valid subject matter for conversation.

i understand what youre talking about regarding having a lack of experience in the ways of the world to be an effective conversationalist and i do think that putting effort into expanding your horizons is a good way to become more adept at being able to relate on other/new levels. but at the same time, i havent the money or inclination to travel the world so i am not going to be able to have a robust conversation with someone that is well travelled in the same way as two travel-nuts could, so i could possibly respond with my experiences with Lara Croft's extensive travels from my experiences in gaming. just because its not my own experiences of travelling doesnt make it less valid, it may be boring to the person that isnt interested in video games but that shouldnt stop me from sharing what i like, should it?

i agree with you about learning just to relax in a conversation and learning the cues to effective listening to begin with. conversing is a two-way street as you say and i have found that it is a multitasking skill where you have to try to 'hear' what the other is saying and let that trigger your own thoughts/feeling about whatever topic is on the plate. and this is where i believe you HAVE to be yourself and share what YOU think/feel, to whatever degree you feel comfortable with.

i work with guys that are much older than i am and their experiences are sometimes far different than mine, often they will talk of things that do elicit a blank stare from me, so what? nothing wrong with blank stares, and what i share with them often elicits the same reaction. but i am not going to go out of my way to get myself a mortage and learn to fish so i can have a better conversation.

my point is that you should try to be yourself as much as you possibly can as there is a limit to how much you can change/adapt to others in persuit of conversational satisfaction before you lose yourself.

 

[Divinitywolf]

I have a problem connecting with people if I know one person but they're with a group of friends who are strangers to me.
I'm shy but if I'm just talking to one other person then I don't seem to have a problem and generally after I've got over the initial shy period I get to
be able to talk to them quite easily.

Its just groups and talking in front of people that I have a problem with and unless I've known those people for ages, I'll freeze up, feel myself go red which
makes me more embarassed but meh...its just a case of taking it slowly.
As others have said, ask questions. What kind of music do they like, maybe some contextual questions e.g. at uni, what course are you taking, which halls do
you live in. Just any questions you can think of. Then after a while it becomes easier and easier to talk to that person.

Groups may be a bigger problem for some people as it is with me. I guess if you see one of the group on their own then summon up your confidence and
go talk to them. Ask questions again. Once you feel like you know enough of the group then confidence stops becoming an issue.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I met a complete stranger I've never met before today.
She was a bit younger than me.

I kind of just threw some simple break the ice question to her. ( not a yes or no question )
I was in an easy going mood and she answered me.
Then I asked her some more simple questions. Then she answer and reveal more of her.
Then I asked more questions in the context of the converstation...Then she revealed more
of her to me. I also reveal a part of myself to her. We made a connection already.
Just by the looks in her eyes and her body lanuage as I was talking to her.

She was relax because I was relaxed.
It wasn't so much what I aked her..it was the way I asked her.
By her responding to me with my first question...(the way that she responded).
She was leaving herself open or was allowing/willing to have a conversation with me.
It's kind of like playing ping pong.

I never thought what I was going to ask her or say to her...before hand.
I didn't know I was going to meet her.
I just threw a question out to her.