More Than a Friend

[sleepmask4life]

Hi, my name is Billy and I'm new here. I just stopped in because I have a dilemma and could really use some good advice.

I have a friend at work that visits me almost every day. Unfortunately for me, I like her a lot more than a friend. We have many similar things in common, especially a deep love for horror films. She is also old enough to be my mother, but that doesn't bother me at all. I am 31 and as far as I'm concerned, age is just a number and has no bearing on love. She is in her 50's and she is gorgeous and I'm pretty hot for her.

We have gone out before, to dinner and a movie, but she would say it was not a date and refused to let me pay for anything. We have only gone out twice, the second time was to be our last. We ended up at a restaurant where a fellow co-worker recognized us and she told me, much to my disappointment, that she was embarrassed to be seen with me. Of course, at the movies I tried to put my arm around her, only for her to tell me she was going to mace me.

Well, after that I started avoiding her when she came around to visit me at work. I was heartbroken, and I still am. I would just say sorry, I'm busy and would take off, not hang around my desk when she came by. Finally, she stopped coming to visit and a little over a year went by without contact.

Then, out of the blue, she sees me in the aisle and stops me to talk. Tells me she misses me, wanted to know if I was o.k. She thought I was mad at her (I was) but I denied it, that I'm busy. She knows how I feel, but tells me she just wants to be friends, that she needs a friend to talk to, she needs that emotional support. She also hates the people in her department, so a visit to me in my department breaks up her day. And because I'm still in love with her, I let her come back into my life and visit me again at work. But she will not give me her phone number (I used to have it, lost it when I changed cell phones). She also tells me she's not for me and that I will meet someone my own age.

So now she visits, tells me about all the things in her life and all her problems. I just sit there and listen like the good friend that I am. She asks me about the weekend, which is uncomfortable because when I used to talk to her before, I would try real hard to get her to go do things with me on the weekends, like go dancing or go to a Horror Convention, which I've never been to and told her I really don't want to go by myself.

I really don't have friends, I have always been the loner who was picked on throughout his life. I would tell her I wanted to start living and having fun, but it's hard being alone. That (and it's true) I started not wanting to watch horror movies because I'm watching them alone and have nobody to discuss it and enjoy it with. And that I want to start going places but again, I don't want to go alone, I want to go with someone who I can interact with, enjoy things with, be social. I'm not going to go to an aquarium by myself, what fun is that?!

So, all I used to do on the weekends was visit my Grandpa and that went on for years. He liked old horror movies and we would talk and have dinner. He just passed away about a month ago. My mother would like to do things with me but she doesn't like all the things that I do. And I did at one time had a friend that I would see on Saturday nights, but he became an abusive drunk and I had flee from the friendship. So now I sit home, with my dogs, a hermit with his video games. I don't want to discuss the weekend with her, it's depressing because I have nobody to have fun with and she won't ever get together with me outside of work.

Well, I'm trying real hard to turn my life around for the good and get out and do things, even if it means by myself. But whenever she comes to visit me, it ultimately makes me feel depressed. I could be in a great mood, but after she has left my area, severe depression sets in and I'm like a miserable basket case for the rest of the day. She is so good looking, but she doesn't think so (she has her own self esteem issues, she went through a divorce where her husband had turned gay). So, she uses me in a way to make herself feel good because she knows I find her attractive and desire her. But it depresses me because she is kind of teasing me and snubbing me and making me feel like an inadequate guy. Like I'm not good enough for her because we have 20 years between us, but I'm good enough to lift her spirits and make her feel good about herself. I'm the best friend, you know, the best guy she knows that she will use as a measure to compare all other guys to and ultimately choose someone else who is less qualified for the job, which she will then complain to me about.

When she visits nowadays it doesn't have the spark it used to, it sometimes is really hard to hide my feelings and sadness. I have always been a very quiet man, not knowing what to say, shy and reserved. Sometimes (after she has told me what is bothering her) she doesn't know what to say or something personal may be bothering her but she doesn't want to tell me because clearly I am the at work friend that wants more. Many times we just look at each other and have no idea what to say, then I usually pull out a new Fangoria magazine and let her check it out (good ice breaker, she's a horror fan).

I'm really conflicted on what to do. I don't mind talking to her sometimes, we do have things in common. She can be a good person despite being so shallow and heartless in the love department. I don't have friends, especially any that are as pretty and attractive as she is. But she is depressing me way too much. She's playing with my emotions and I'm letting her. She keeps me excited for just a bit, even shows me her matching color panties, but that's it. She has told me in the past that she has some kind of butterfly vibrator. Last Valentine's Day she brought me in candy (of course no card and not the kind of candy that says, "I love you") and it really depressed me, I try not to even think about that holiday.

She knows that I do get sad, she can see it on my face, but she doesn't try to cheer me up or make me feel good about myself (save for an occassional pat on the back, things will be o.k.) She walks back to her desk, leaving me strung out and feeling pathetic. I don't want to sound pig headed now, I do want her more so for a companion then just some sex partner, but her coming around is like a big juicy steak waving in front of a starving tiger who has not had steak since 1999, if you catch my drift. Deep down inside of me I just have this urge to hold her in my arms and sweep her off her feet, and it feels tough surpressing that urge... but I do (I'm not trying to get fired for sexual harassment).

I really don't know what to do. Do I just start avoiding her again? Do I tell her exactly how I feel, that her visits depress me? I try to think of myself as a good soul and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I'm all for making her feel good about herself and raising her self esteem. But the result is my heart ripped out and splattered on the floor.

I don't know what else to say. What do you think? I really want to tell her but I'm afraid of hurting her feelings. I have a feeling she is going to turn it around that I am the selfish one, not wanting a friendship because I desire her too much. Like I'm being an immature child who can't get his own way.

I think she does care somewhat, but in a much different way then how I would care for someone. When someone I care about is upset and depressed, I try to make them feel good, motivate or inspire. I would express my care through support, friendship, encouraging words. She feels sorry for me and probably feels bad that I like her so much. Her support for me is expressed in pity, which I don't want and it doesn't help. When I'm down in the dumps, she kinda frowns and then goes back to her area, cutting her visit short... most likely because I can't support her or cheer her up when I'm unhappy myself.

 

[Selina]

The one thing i would do is try to put some distance between her and me, emotionally for starters. If someone brings you down by the way they act then they are maybe not the right persons to have around. Like you said yourself friends are meant to be supportive they don't pity one another.
I know it hurts if someone you like gives you the feeling they pity you, but maybe it is a good start to start thinking about what is good for you for once and not for somebody else?
If it makes you feel better in the long run to talk about it with her - talk. Would it make you feel better to minimize the contacts of even stop them - then do. Do you need to talk about this with someone - well i think this is might be the right place a

there are ppl out there that are willing to be true friends.... I know it is hard to believe, i didn't believe it either, but there are. Just listen to yourself and do the things that make you feel better.

that is the only advice i can give - do the things that make you feel better. Once in a while we are allowed to be selfish, especially when we are protecting ourselves getting hurt.

 

[coricopat]

Be honest with her and tell her to be honest with you.

Don't let her play games with you.

 

[dead]

Hey Sleepmask.
you are right when you say that age is just a number. it does not mean much when you are past your twenties, and i do agree. you cannot usually choose who you fall for.
the best defense that she can have against being honest with you is sarcasm. as long as she can hide behind the formality of the workplace, or her flirting - you will not have a good chance of having a real conversation with her.

i think that it is not you she was ashamed of, but it seems that she has her own troubles, and i think the way she sees herself is radically different from the way you seem to.
and i think that maybe, to her age is more than a number, and it may carry quite a few painful thoughts and feelings on it's back.

if i were you, i'd try to get her out of comfort zone of work, or movies. so that there won't be other people around that she would have to keep masks for. and try to tell her how you see her. and how you feel.
try to be as honest, frank and straightforward as you can.

and tell her that you can't keep playing this game for much longer. that she can't toy with you and expect you to not get hurt. if you feel this strongly, it is not funny, or fun, but probably painful more than anything else.

anyway. i doubt that you'll return to the site, (most one-time posters don't), but if you do -
good luck. i do hope she will see through barriers of age, and the usual "oh-what-would-they-think".

 

[sleepmask4life]

Thanks guys for responding. I went camping over the weekend with my brother, got myself away from the stress and drama... but now I'm back to work. :club:

I posted this problem on a couple different forums, and I got a response from someone that is 100% exactly how she would respond if I brought my feelings to her attention. In fact I almost thought maybe she was browsing love advice sites and found my post, created a fictional name (the poster only had 3 posts) and made this post, but I try not to let my paranoia get in the way.

Here is the post and pretty much exactly what my co-worker love would say.

She might just have wanted a company to share all her thoughts and not a boyfriend, of course she also knows that having an intimate relationship with you will just make things worst. Although, she comes to you for a visit but that doesn't seem a serious matter, she just really need a friend for sure. In your case i think acceptance is the hardest step you could ever do for now. Why not try to learn that she's really not for you and that you just have to stop whenever you reach the line. If it's love that you feel , that wouldn't be fair if you yourself alone will benefit from it. There are things that you should reconsider sometimes that needs deeper understanding. Don't push it too hard when it's not really working out. It'll just led you to your disappointments.

Avoiding her wouldn't be good too, she's just honest enough for herself of what she felt inside her heart. For some reason she's also right, you need to find a person at your age. She must have been thinking that the relationship won't work because soon she'll be going older and I don't know if you would want to take care of a 60 year old woman after you reach 40. After all she's got so many reasons to do that, which also needs your reconsideration, Friendship is almost like the same thing you want except that you can't do what you really want to do beyond your friendship. I think you need to think about it first before doing the things that you have in mind for her.

This was my response.

I understand what your saying and I do understand her side of things with the age difference and just wanting a friend. You're right, I wouldn't want a forced love and can't force feelings from her that aren't there. The problem, besides the fact that I do get depressed when she comes around, is that her version of a friendship with me is a lot different then the type of friendship I want to have with her. She only wants me as a work friend, someone she can vent too and break up her work day. I want a friend that I can do things with, go places with, have fun with, share things with. It is hard to maintain just a work friend relationship too because I do get pretty busy. And something I didn't mention earlier, I do get a little heckled from my co-workers who are in my department when she comes around to visit. Overall it's just a very uncomfortable situation for me.

In your case i think acceptance is the hardest step you could ever do for now. Why not try to learn that she's really not for you and that you just have to stop whenever you reach the line.

I've been rereading this and the more I think about it, the harder it is to make it sink in. For many people, myself included, you just can't help who you fall in love with. The age really doesn't bother me as much as it bothers her. I think overall she is embarassed to have any kind of relationship with me because of fear over what her family and kids might think about being involved with a younger guy. I guess also I'm tough on her because I really don't have a social life and I thought we could have had one, she could have been the one to go out and do things with, I am very alone and she knows this. It hurts me that I really don't have anyone to be social with. It hurts me that the person I love and want to be social with the most, really only sees me as a co-worker.

Well, she came and visited today. I kept my mouth shut and stayed as nice and polite as possible. Didn't really say much except talking about movies. Horror movies she wants to see (which I have, but of course she won't watch them with me). She wanted to know how I was doing because she hasn't seen me around, but I told her I had to not be sitting around my desk so much, which has some truth in it because I'm supposed to always look busy no matter what. I told her where I was spending my time, outside in a small building where I have some work to do. I even told her she could come visit me out there but I know for a fact she will not visit me in an area outside the factory, because I think she feels I will try to hug her or something or is afraid rumors will fly through the work place if she is seen with me in a secluded area.

I don't know what to do. I'm a good person and I don't like hurting other people's feelings. I will sacrifice myself first before I hurt someone else and this is what's going to happen. Swallow my pride and wear my mask.

I agree with you Dead, she does see herself in a different way and has her own self esteem issues. I know she likes it when she comes to me all down and out, that she's not attractive and I uplift her spirits and try to change her thinking about herself. But I guess I do a good job of it because she's more than happy to visit me at work to get her "compliment fix" (which doesn't even need to be expressed in words, just the look of affection) that there is no need to extend my "counsling services" away from the office.