My anxiety is giving me a run for my money right now

[tangy_original]

Today is a bit of a Coldplay day. Lots of quarter life/existential crisis-ey thoughts. I'm not satisfied with being lackluster, but i have next to no money, and I'm too gripped with fear to apply for scholarships. I'm scared the school I want to transfer into won't like me, and then I won't get accepted and this will all be for nothing. I am afraid of being poor for the rest of my life.
I hated growing up without any money, and my dad being unable to cosign for a loan. I can't get nearly enough money, even though I work 35 hours a week on top of being a full-time student, and he wants me to buy myself a car. I'm losing my ******* mind over here, and I hate how my life is going. I love my dad, but he has this huge flaw that is stressing me out so bad. What if my life is actually meaningless in the end? I know on a cosmic level that it is, but I want my life to be meaningful to myself and the people who surround me.
I just need someone to tell me that I'm not stupid in a tone that's convincing enough for me. I feel like everyone that tells me that my poems and screenplays are amazing is just trying to make me feel good about myself, but what the hell can I do to stop myself from thinking they're being disingenuous? What if I'm just humoring myself by thinking that I might be talented? I can't make a living off of talents I don't actually have.
I want to get married, have kids, and raise them, but I'm tentative to even think about that if there's a chance that I'll ruin their lives by ending up an impoverished lout. I want to experience life, and I want to do it without ending up some kind of disaster living in a stupid town full of inbreds and small diner "Regulars". I've got nothing to show for myself. I'm so sorry for my parents. They tried so hard to raise me to be successful and I've missed the mark every time. I'm trying my best, but **** it this sucks.

 

[TheRealCallie]

You are NOT stupid. You may not have a car yet, but college is expensive, and even with working, that doesn't mean much today with the prices of everything going up. You can usually get by without a car, as long as there are buses (or even a subway) around for longer distances and a bike or shorter.
You haven't even failed yet and it sounds like you are ready to give up on it. Don't do that, stop doubting yourself and start believing in yourself. If you are worried about whether your stuff is good. Have you been to a a place where you can read your poems to complete strangers and get their feedback on it?
Your life is what you make it. If it's meaningless, it's because you didn't give it meaning. So, give it meaning and stop worrying so much about the future. It's not here yet, so worrying about it does nothing for you. Focus on today and do your best.

 

[futurecatlady]

Tangy, I can tell from your writing alone that you are not a stupid dude and are very likely quite the wordsmith. You sound young, and although I'm sure you hear this all the time, your youth and your passion are your biggest assets right now. Don't worry about pleasing your dad; he probably wants what is best for you and you are the only person who really knows what that is. Don't you dare not apply for something just because there's a chance you won't get in. Now is the time to take risks and make mistakes. Find yourself a mentor who is not afraid to rip your work apart, but also allow yourself to believe the people who tell you that you're good--they're right. You are likely very good and very flawed, and that's exactly where you want to be. The fact that you're even questioning your ability means you have the self awareness to motivate yourself to improve. Hold on to that doubt but don't let it define you or make you insecure. Use it to fuel your progress forward.

Good luck, and if you want any honest feedback (of questionable worth) feel free to send stuff my way.