My Current Situation

[rollingthunder]

I figure I'm in a situation similar to many people on here, but I feel the need to post just as a means of explaining it anyway.

Basically I'm 24 years old, I still live at home at the moment and I feel like my life is in a bit of a rut. I don't actually have any 'friends' to speak of, I guess I just have a lot of acquaintances, so a few of the people I work with will invite me out every now and again, and there are people from a hobby store (card/board/RPG games) I used to go to who will invite me out also if it's a birthday or something is going on etc. So I will usually go out once every month/couple of months but other than that, I have no social life. These acquaintances never actually speak to me that often either, like, I don't have anyone texting me or messaging me just wanting to chat or wanting to meet up for a drink down the pub or something and just wanting to spend time with me. I feel like if I were to disappear off the face of the earth no one would notice apart from my close family.

I get up, go to work, come home, go to bed and do the same again, on the weekends I just end up sleeping in a lot later, usually into the afternoon but then I don't end up going out anywhere.

I do put a lot of that down to myself, in that since 2009 I have suffered from OCD, which in turn split off into social anxiety as well. I don't like going out on my own, in that I have very low self-confidence and self-worth. When it comes to speaking to people I don't know, I'm not very confident either. I figure if we have something in common, such as a band we both enjoy or a film/TV show then for a time we will be ok, but other than those things, I don't really know what to speak about or what to say. I do want to make new friends and find people I have stuff in common to go out with during the evenings/weekends but I just feel like any attempts I make end up going nowhere, as everyone already has their group of friends set up and not many want to invite or let in new people, especially as socially inept as myself.

As you can imagine, my love life is going nowhere either. I've never actually had what you would call a 'proper' girlfriend, I had girlfriends in high school but since then nothing. I do want a relationship, and I have tried online dating which wasn't successful but I feel like I don't know how to do the whole dating/flirting thing either.

I could probably write pages of stuff about this but I'll stop here. The situation basically is I want friends with common interests and people who actually want to speak to me and go out during the weekends and I want a proper relationship and I have tried to get these things but always fail, and my lack of social skills and self-confidence isn't helping matters at all. I don't really know where to go from here to be honest.

 

[constant stranger]

My advice....? Move into a place of your own to live, that's a good starting point to get your life going.

At age 24 the years will start going by more quickly, you'll see, they do. Age 30 will come sooner than you can imagine and if OCD, social anxiety and low confidence are still in play for you, they could become a self fulfilling prophecy....don't let that happen.

I've always thought that diagnoses like OCD or depression or whatever can be more hurtful than helpful.....it's possible for people to believe they are what they've been diagnosed as, then go look it up and say, Ah! So that's what I am.....Then they go and act out what some expert says they are. OK, that's not an imperative....it's just a possible....like a self fulfilling prophecy. Or something like that.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I've always thought that diagnoses like OCD or depression or whatever can be more hurtful than helpful.....it's possible for people to believe they are what they've been diagnosed as, then go look it up and say, Ah! So that's what I am.....Then they go and act out what some expert says they are. OK, that's not an imperative....it's just a possible....like a self fulfilling prophecy. Or something like that.

I always feel like this could be the case for some people once they find out that they have been diagnosed with a particular problem. Then they limit themselves to what they can do. If you can try to talk yourself out of feeling incapable or limited just because you have these issues, that'd be good but I do realise that sometimes when you do actually have OCD and social anxiety, things are not as clear and easy as other people might think. I've been through phases of anxiety myself so.. I know what that's like.

CS made a good point above about moving out. I think you experience a great deal on your own when you do that. And the freedom to do whatever you want with your time - that's gotta be a bonus.

Some people on this forum go to Meetup groups and some have found them to be successful. Perhaps you might want to give those a try?

Other than that I can only think of you perhaps looking at joining clubs or groups that you have interest in. Join communities that you would be comfortable with. Or if you do have at least one friend to ask to do these things with you, that might help too so you don't feel so alone in embarking on all these activities.

I'm not great with advice for such things like these because I don't purposely go out of my way to interact or socialise because I don't want to so I can only wish you all the best and hope that you'll find ways to feel better and improve your situation right now. I know that there are people on this forum who go through similarly as you do and have overcome some of these obstacles so maybe read up some similar topic threads on here and maybe that might give you some help. Best of luck.

 

[ventura23]

I figure I'm in a situation similar to many people on here, but I feel the need to post just as a means of explaining it anyway.

Basically I'm 24 years old, I still live at home at the moment and I feel like my life is in a bit of a rut. I don't actually have any 'friends' to speak of, I guess I just have a lot of acquaintances, so a few of the people I work with will invite me out every now and again, and there are people from a hobby store (card/board/RPG games) I used to go to who will invite me out also if it's a birthday or something is going on etc. So I will usually go out once every month/couple of months but other than that, I have no social life. These acquaintances never actually speak to me that often either, like, I don't have anyone texting me or messaging me just wanting to chat or wanting to meet up for a drink down the pub or something and just wanting to spend time with me. I feel like if I were to disappear off the face of the earth no one would notice apart from my close family.

I get up, go to work, come home, go to bed and do the same again, on the weekends I just end up sleeping in a lot later, usually into the afternoon but then I don't end up going out anywhere.

I do put a lot of that down to myself, in that since 2009 I have suffered from OCD, which in turn split off into social anxiety as well. I don't like going out on my own, in that I have very low self-confidence and self-worth. When it comes to speaking to people I don't know, I'm not very confident either. I figure if we have something in common, such as a band we both enjoy or a film/TV show then for a time we will be ok, but other than those things, I don't really know what to speak about or what to say. I do want to make new friends and find people I have stuff in common to go out with during the evenings/weekends but I just feel like any attempts I make end up going nowhere, as everyone already has their group of friends set up and not many want to invite or let in new people, especially as socially inept as myself.

As you can imagine, my love life is going nowhere either. I've never actually had what you would call a 'proper' girlfriend, I had girlfriends in high school but since then nothing. I do want a relationship, and I have tried online dating which wasn't successful but I feel like I don't know how to do the whole dating/flirting thing either.

I could probably write pages of stuff about this but I'll stop here. The situation basically is I want friends with common interests and people who actually want to speak to me and go out during the weekends and I want a proper relationship and I have tried to get these things but always fail, and my lack of social skills and self-confidence isn't helping matters at all. I don't really know where to go from here to be honest.

You are better off than doing what the masses do. Be thankful for your health, let the rest come at the right time.
Just be yourself and you will meet the right person at the right time.
Take care.
Ventura

 

[Veruca]

Don't give up RT. It seems like despite the OCD and social anxiety, you are still able to maintain relationships with some people eventhough these are not close friends. That's really great.

A lot of the times, we are the ones keeping us from forming close bonds with people. We may have a lot of good qualities, but our negativity or self critical behaviour can be exhausting to others. I think its good that you're aware that you have played a role in this lack of a social life, because now you can change things. I was recently told by a close friend I've known for years that one of the reasons she never wanted to hang out with me as much eventhough she loved me was because I was always so pessimistic.

So it might help to be mindful of how you are in social settings next time? Try to be the best version of yourself? It'll be tiring at first to have to focus so much on doing that, but I think after awhile it will become a part of you. Might even make you feel better about yourself.

Also, perhaps try to make the first move? Ask people out, text them once in awhile, suggest activities to do together. Sometimes, if we appear introverted, people may misunderstand that and think we want to be left alone.

And it may take many failed attempts to finally make awesome friends, but awesome people exist. Like the members here, so we just got to keep trying!

 

[Bob Lee]

I could probably write pages of stuff about this but I'll stop here. The situation basically is I want friends with common interests and people who actually want to speak to me and go out during the weekends and I want a proper relationship and I have tried to get these things but always fail, and my lack of social skills and self-confidence isn't helping matters at all. I don't really know where to go from here to be honest.

Hey RT,

I know how you feel. The desire for friends and proper relationships is very important to many of us here on the forums.

In a way, we can have all of those things..... here, now and tonight if we are willing to pay the right price? If you are willing to become a "fake" person and become superficial in many ways you'll probably have 10 friends by tonight. Something tells me you don't want that nor does any of us here want that.

Most of us would be willing to give just about anything we could for a good loyal friend we can count on to go to with our problems, someone we could actually text back and forth with and be social-able like everyone else.

I want to encourage you to stay true to yourself, if you think boosting your levels of self confidence and your social skills are necessary by all means do so. Just keep in mind you should never have to change who you are and how you feel about things just to be accepted.

Believe me when I tell, no one is going to change for you. So why should you? Just as we like certain types of people for who they are and what there about, they get to decide accordingly whats best for them as well.
If rejected don't take it personally. We reject just as much as they do, it is what it is.

With billions of people on this planet, I trust there is plenty of people out there that is similar to us.... we just have to make an effort and keep trying. Surely something will turn up for us.

Even if it doesn't, its okay too! Happiness can be found in many other ways. It is far better to be alone and content, versus being with someone you do not prefer just to not be alone and ultimately end up being miserable!

Just keep trying! You got a good head on your shoulders, your intentions are pure and I see you succeeding in anything you put your mind too.

Peace!

 

[rollingthunder]

Thanks for all of your responses, I have read through them all and there is a lot of useful advice given, it is much appreciated.

In relation to the first two posts suggesting moving out, I do agree that moving out is a good plan but it's not something I can do any time soon unfortunately. Maybe within the next twelve months or so it may be possible for me.

I also agree that negative and self-critical thinking/behaviour can be a cause of me not having close relationships with people, worrying too much about what people think is not doing me any good. But I always feel like I don't have much going for myself, I feel like I'm a pretty boring person and don't feel like I'm interesting enough for people sometimes, this combined with the aforementioned social anxiety can lead to some social awkwardness as well, this is usually more applicable to people I don't know very well, though it does crop up from time to time with friends/acquaintances.

 

[ventura23]

I could probably write pages of stuff about this but I'll stop here. The situation basically is I want friends with common interests and people who actually want to speak to me and go out during the weekends and I want a proper relationship and I have tried to get these things but always fail, and my lack of social skills and self-confidence isn't helping matters at all. I don't really know where to go from here to be honest.

Hey RT,

I know how you feel. The desire for friends and proper relationships is very important to many of us here on the forums.

In a way, we can have all of those things..... here, now and tonight if we are willing to pay the right price? If you are willing to become a "fake" person and become superficial in many ways you'll probably have 10 friends by tonight. Something tells me you don't want that nor does any of us here want that.

Most of us would be willing to give just about anything we could for a good loyal friend we can count on to go to with our problems, someone we could actually text back and forth with and be social-able like everyone else.

I want to encourage you to stay true to yourself, if you think boosting your levels of self confidence and your social skills are necessary by all means do so. Just keep in mind you should never have to change who you are and how you feel about things just to be accepted.

Believe me when I tell, no one is going to change for you. So why should you? Just as we like certain types of people for who they are and what there about, they get to decide accordingly whats best for them as well.
If rejected don't take it personally. We reject just as much as they do, it is what it is.

With billions of people on this planet, I trust there is plenty of people out there that is similar to us.... we just have to make an effort and keep trying. Surely something will turn up for us.

Even if it doesn't, its okay too! Happiness can be found in many other ways. It is far better to be alone and content, versus being with someone you do not prefer just to not be alone and ultimately end up being miserable!

Just keep trying! You got a good head on your shoulders, your intentions are pure and I see you succeeding in anything you put your mind too.

Peace!
[/quote

]Great advice , fake relationships are dime a dozen.
madera