el Jay
Well-known member
This could probably go in multiple forums here, but I chose Loneliness because it's the common thread.
My problems started way back in elementary school. I started getting teased in 2nd and 3rd grade (I went to a private school at the time), which prompted my parents to switch me to a public school. That was the beginning of hell for me. Between 4th grade and 11th, I switched schools several times (once a year, and sometimes more), and my mom moved us across the USA and even the world, but every time I just found more cruel kids waiting for an easy mark. It didn't end until 11th, when I moved back in with my dad in Pennsylvania after an incident where I lashed out violently against a kid that pushed me too far one day. At that point, school finally got better, something my parents had promised me would happen every year since 4th grade, as kids matured more. Took them long enough.
That's the quick version, at least. The whole experience left me shell-shocked and with a very odd mix of maturity/immaturity, and a large lack of social skills. I could get along with people just fine. But forming lasting connections, picking up on social cues, and doing more than just surviving has always eluded me. I suppose part of the whole ordeal was my fault, as I probably became such a victim and target that it shaped who I was, and thus I brought some of it on myself, not knowing any other life. But by and large, it just a ******* shitty childhood where I was denied normal social interactions and the chance to be a "normal" kid and teenager, with the normal ups and downs that came with it.
I literally do not know how to connect with someone to make any sort of long-term friends. I get along with people, we may even have stuff in common. But how to move it to the point I get to know them outside of whatever environment we're in (such as in a college classroom) just is foreign to me.
Ever since school, I've been playing catch-up with my life. When I graduated at 18, my level of maturity was that of a 14 year old, and in terms of social skills, probably lower. Even now at 27, I relate more to people aged 21-24 than I do anyone close to my age. And the "missing out" on normal experiences feels like it's followed me too, as I never went away to dorm at college, but stayed with my dad (and we live with and take care of my grandfather). It's something I regret, but it's too late to change that anyways. At the time I didn't care, because when I finished high school, I was just happy people left me alone. But as time went on, I've gradually been wanting interaction, wanting people in my life, more and more, without knowing how to get them.
Oddly (to my at least), I've had marginal success in terms of girlfriends. Got a long distance one when I was 19, got all my firsts out of the way, but we broke up after almost a year due to realizing we has little in common (aside from sexual compatibility). But because it was long distance, we were physically together less than 20 days out of the 330 or so we were together.
My second girlfriend was also long distance, and ended up being the worst experience of my life. Long story short, she was a few years younger, and had a difficult past too (school problems). We were together over three years...and never met, because she always put it off and got upset if I brought it up. When she was happy, she was wonderful, and I could see myself spending my life with her. But she just got increasingly depressed over the years, and more miserable, dragging me with her. She was hypocritical, worst of all. When she was upset or depressed and needed to talk, I needed to listen and nothing else, as suggestions upset her (she felt like I was "forcing" her to do them right then). But if I needed the same? She would pelt me with suggestions and treat me like honeysuckle for asking that she just listen. Sexually (for what it mattered, being online), she was perverted, which I liked... or would have, if she hadn't refused to involve me in stuff because she was too embarrassed about it. And she teased me for liking stuff she later admitted she was also into.
So you're asking "why stay with her so long?" Well, I was depressed too, and had generally terrible luck with girls. She and I had so much in common, we felt like a perfect match, and by the time it was apparent that it wouldn't work, we were in it too far and I thought I could help her, that she'd come around. Well, years later, I finally convince her to get therapy and medication, and she dumps me, because she doesn't want me there reminding her of what she used to be. Fair enough, I guess, except for all the energy I wasted on her for years, trying to improve her life and help her be happy again.
In the end, it left me completely starved of affection, intimacy, and sex, all of which are extremely important things to me in a relationship. And now, almost two years after our breakup, I feel so much worse off than I would've been had I been single all that time (and I may as well have been, really). It was completely a loss for me. I gained so little from it and lost so much time and energy. And worst of all, the way she treated me has left me feeling like there's no way any girl could possibly want to be with me. I mean, I get along with them fine, really. Some probably even think I'm charming. But the idea of me asking someone out and having them say yes is completely foreign, as though it's just impossible. Sure, they like me as a friend, but why would they possibly want to date me? Who would want to? That's laughable.
So here I am, at 27, with no real idea how to make lasting friends. No idea where to meet people (I spend most of my time in my room). No prospect for a girlfriend, as almost every girl I meet has a boyfriend already. Dating sites are filled with girls so cowardly they won't even bother replying, even though I do put thought into what message I send them (bonus: most have a "If you message me and there's more thought in it than 'hey bby wana fuk', I'll probably reply). I'm not sure how to go about finding friends, or girls, either. I don't know anyone like me in real life, it's all "normal" people who seem to understand the intricacies of social interaction.
I also have terribly social anxiety that I'm not medicated for (and probably should be). As a result of my bullying, I'm terrified that people around me in public will go out of their way to tease me for any small social offense I may commit, even to the point that I hate asking for help at help desks because I feel I'll be made fun of for not knowing, even if there's no expectation that I WOULD know. I know it's ludicrous that it goes to such extremes, but it's a part of me I can't shake. Back when I was bullied in school, if someone caught wind of something they could tease me for, they did so, told other kids so they could tease me as well, and made it follow me from class to class, day to day, week to week. I now fear that sort of baseless and knee-jerk retaliation from most social interactions I have, and it keeps me from going out and discovering new places and meeting new people. The thought of doing so and not knowing exactly how to handle a situation **** near gives me panic attacks, and makes the several days leading up to an event of any kind stressful (although oddly enough, I usually perform admirably when actually AT a place I was fearing going to.
Lastly, I just don't know how to connect with people I do meet. I recently returned to college to finish a 4 year degree and get along with people great. People, both students and professors, know me, like me, and respect me. I'm an intelligent person and can, with a minimum of effort, ace a class on the first try that other students are lucky to get a B- in...their second time taking it. A female friend I knew from some classes, who was older than me (and married), said she thought I appeared confident, intelligent, and kind to people who knew me, when I asked her one day. It's funny, because I feel so completely un-confident, anxious, and like I'll never be as good as other people. That they'll always somehow be better than me, no matter how good I am.
Ultimately, I feel like I have no place in this world. That my life is a constant struggle to barely eke out an existence in a world that doesn't want me, while other people have some magical birthright that guarantees them a place in the world, in society, without even trying. That the best I can do is break even, while other people would have to try (and fail miserably) to even go THAT low. And how my female friend said I appeared to other people outlined to me the issue: ow can I possibly connect with others when they see me as this great, confident person? When I see myself as having low self esteem, low confidence, and struggling to survive? Which is the real me, the person they see, or the person I see?
My suffering, my misery, and what I've gone through and struggled with in the past is as much a part of me as anything else. My mom always tells me that the great thing about life is no one will know my past, and so they'll only know the person who I present to them. But that seems so backwards to me, because if they don't know my past, they don't know who I am, and why. The person they see, that they know, is a lie. But I can't just up and tell them about my past, as it'd just drive them away, or be out of place. How do I connect with people who can't understand what I've gone through?
I don't really know the point of writing up all of this. I don't know what advice would be helpful to me, or if it would change anything. Maybe I'm just hoping that, for once, someone somewhere can understand what I've gone through, even if that's all they knew about me. That's why I came here in the first place, after all. Humans seem to bond through sharing misery, so maybe I can find people here I can relate to. People I can understand, and, in turn, can understand me. I can answer any questions anyone may have, or clarify anything that needs clarification. I'd write more, but this is more than enough detail for one post.
My problems started way back in elementary school. I started getting teased in 2nd and 3rd grade (I went to a private school at the time), which prompted my parents to switch me to a public school. That was the beginning of hell for me. Between 4th grade and 11th, I switched schools several times (once a year, and sometimes more), and my mom moved us across the USA and even the world, but every time I just found more cruel kids waiting for an easy mark. It didn't end until 11th, when I moved back in with my dad in Pennsylvania after an incident where I lashed out violently against a kid that pushed me too far one day. At that point, school finally got better, something my parents had promised me would happen every year since 4th grade, as kids matured more. Took them long enough.
That's the quick version, at least. The whole experience left me shell-shocked and with a very odd mix of maturity/immaturity, and a large lack of social skills. I could get along with people just fine. But forming lasting connections, picking up on social cues, and doing more than just surviving has always eluded me. I suppose part of the whole ordeal was my fault, as I probably became such a victim and target that it shaped who I was, and thus I brought some of it on myself, not knowing any other life. But by and large, it just a ******* shitty childhood where I was denied normal social interactions and the chance to be a "normal" kid and teenager, with the normal ups and downs that came with it.
I literally do not know how to connect with someone to make any sort of long-term friends. I get along with people, we may even have stuff in common. But how to move it to the point I get to know them outside of whatever environment we're in (such as in a college classroom) just is foreign to me.
Ever since school, I've been playing catch-up with my life. When I graduated at 18, my level of maturity was that of a 14 year old, and in terms of social skills, probably lower. Even now at 27, I relate more to people aged 21-24 than I do anyone close to my age. And the "missing out" on normal experiences feels like it's followed me too, as I never went away to dorm at college, but stayed with my dad (and we live with and take care of my grandfather). It's something I regret, but it's too late to change that anyways. At the time I didn't care, because when I finished high school, I was just happy people left me alone. But as time went on, I've gradually been wanting interaction, wanting people in my life, more and more, without knowing how to get them.
Oddly (to my at least), I've had marginal success in terms of girlfriends. Got a long distance one when I was 19, got all my firsts out of the way, but we broke up after almost a year due to realizing we has little in common (aside from sexual compatibility). But because it was long distance, we were physically together less than 20 days out of the 330 or so we were together.
My second girlfriend was also long distance, and ended up being the worst experience of my life. Long story short, she was a few years younger, and had a difficult past too (school problems). We were together over three years...and never met, because she always put it off and got upset if I brought it up. When she was happy, she was wonderful, and I could see myself spending my life with her. But she just got increasingly depressed over the years, and more miserable, dragging me with her. She was hypocritical, worst of all. When she was upset or depressed and needed to talk, I needed to listen and nothing else, as suggestions upset her (she felt like I was "forcing" her to do them right then). But if I needed the same? She would pelt me with suggestions and treat me like honeysuckle for asking that she just listen. Sexually (for what it mattered, being online), she was perverted, which I liked... or would have, if she hadn't refused to involve me in stuff because she was too embarrassed about it. And she teased me for liking stuff she later admitted she was also into.
So you're asking "why stay with her so long?" Well, I was depressed too, and had generally terrible luck with girls. She and I had so much in common, we felt like a perfect match, and by the time it was apparent that it wouldn't work, we were in it too far and I thought I could help her, that she'd come around. Well, years later, I finally convince her to get therapy and medication, and she dumps me, because she doesn't want me there reminding her of what she used to be. Fair enough, I guess, except for all the energy I wasted on her for years, trying to improve her life and help her be happy again.
In the end, it left me completely starved of affection, intimacy, and sex, all of which are extremely important things to me in a relationship. And now, almost two years after our breakup, I feel so much worse off than I would've been had I been single all that time (and I may as well have been, really). It was completely a loss for me. I gained so little from it and lost so much time and energy. And worst of all, the way she treated me has left me feeling like there's no way any girl could possibly want to be with me. I mean, I get along with them fine, really. Some probably even think I'm charming. But the idea of me asking someone out and having them say yes is completely foreign, as though it's just impossible. Sure, they like me as a friend, but why would they possibly want to date me? Who would want to? That's laughable.
So here I am, at 27, with no real idea how to make lasting friends. No idea where to meet people (I spend most of my time in my room). No prospect for a girlfriend, as almost every girl I meet has a boyfriend already. Dating sites are filled with girls so cowardly they won't even bother replying, even though I do put thought into what message I send them (bonus: most have a "If you message me and there's more thought in it than 'hey bby wana fuk', I'll probably reply). I'm not sure how to go about finding friends, or girls, either. I don't know anyone like me in real life, it's all "normal" people who seem to understand the intricacies of social interaction.
I also have terribly social anxiety that I'm not medicated for (and probably should be). As a result of my bullying, I'm terrified that people around me in public will go out of their way to tease me for any small social offense I may commit, even to the point that I hate asking for help at help desks because I feel I'll be made fun of for not knowing, even if there's no expectation that I WOULD know. I know it's ludicrous that it goes to such extremes, but it's a part of me I can't shake. Back when I was bullied in school, if someone caught wind of something they could tease me for, they did so, told other kids so they could tease me as well, and made it follow me from class to class, day to day, week to week. I now fear that sort of baseless and knee-jerk retaliation from most social interactions I have, and it keeps me from going out and discovering new places and meeting new people. The thought of doing so and not knowing exactly how to handle a situation **** near gives me panic attacks, and makes the several days leading up to an event of any kind stressful (although oddly enough, I usually perform admirably when actually AT a place I was fearing going to.
Lastly, I just don't know how to connect with people I do meet. I recently returned to college to finish a 4 year degree and get along with people great. People, both students and professors, know me, like me, and respect me. I'm an intelligent person and can, with a minimum of effort, ace a class on the first try that other students are lucky to get a B- in...their second time taking it. A female friend I knew from some classes, who was older than me (and married), said she thought I appeared confident, intelligent, and kind to people who knew me, when I asked her one day. It's funny, because I feel so completely un-confident, anxious, and like I'll never be as good as other people. That they'll always somehow be better than me, no matter how good I am.
Ultimately, I feel like I have no place in this world. That my life is a constant struggle to barely eke out an existence in a world that doesn't want me, while other people have some magical birthright that guarantees them a place in the world, in society, without even trying. That the best I can do is break even, while other people would have to try (and fail miserably) to even go THAT low. And how my female friend said I appeared to other people outlined to me the issue: ow can I possibly connect with others when they see me as this great, confident person? When I see myself as having low self esteem, low confidence, and struggling to survive? Which is the real me, the person they see, or the person I see?
My suffering, my misery, and what I've gone through and struggled with in the past is as much a part of me as anything else. My mom always tells me that the great thing about life is no one will know my past, and so they'll only know the person who I present to them. But that seems so backwards to me, because if they don't know my past, they don't know who I am, and why. The person they see, that they know, is a lie. But I can't just up and tell them about my past, as it'd just drive them away, or be out of place. How do I connect with people who can't understand what I've gone through?
I don't really know the point of writing up all of this. I don't know what advice would be helpful to me, or if it would change anything. Maybe I'm just hoping that, for once, someone somewhere can understand what I've gone through, even if that's all they knew about me. That's why I came here in the first place, after all. Humans seem to bond through sharing misery, so maybe I can find people here I can relate to. People I can understand, and, in turn, can understand me. I can answer any questions anyone may have, or clarify anything that needs clarification. I'd write more, but this is more than enough detail for one post.
