My story

[mountains8]

I am a 30 year old male from Toronto Canada. I am writing this to get some advice. Firstly, let me say that I am just looking for some common ground I guess. I am including details in here that I think might be part of my problems but try not to focus on a single one of them, but just look at the whle package. Firstly, I was identified as a gifted level iq when I was about 10 I guess. They put me in a special class and I hated it, i jhust wanted to be normal like other students. So i kept crying until they took me out of it. Around 8-10 I guess, I am not sure, I had a oral penis sucking relationship with another boy that lasted a few times because it was "fun", or "naughty" idk why ithappened I don't consider myself gay but have had issues with why I engaged in this as a child...there was also this game that the friend inveneted or he got it from some other boy where you would play strip tease games, lol I dk it was all very foggy...we would wait until no one was around and suck eachother dicks, but not kiss eachother or something like that. I am not denying that it felt cool, it was like I wanted something to happen after but we would just go and piss in the toilet( but this was before I ever had an orgasm, so obviously i was fairly young) one morning I had an orgasm when i hit puberty and I was like, "hey, so that was that feeling I was waiting for" this was around 13 and I discovered masturbation, I watched my first soft porno movie (NOT GAY PORN lol) and I used to beat off to tlc waterfalls video, pink power ranger ok, so for the gay lurkers out there, no I am not gay, so I don't want replies saying that Im closeted or something...gays are cool with me, but I am not here for that advice. I dont get crushes or have relationships on guys once I hit puberty...I am just mentioning this because it makes me feel like I should. I also tried to do the same thing with a girl at this age, but she wouldn't let me and would cry and stuff. Also, after this happned a few times with the boy, I got this bad infection on my mouth where I had to have antibiotics. My parents only let me hang out with a small nmber of children even till i was about 15. THis was all when i was like 8 or something though, it's hard for me to think about the details. Growing up before this though, I always had crushes on girls, and like standing in line for recess I remember liking this one girl, not boys. Any way, one day the oral boy got a gf and moved away and i never heard from him again.. I have had issues with social anxiety since about age 14. Then severe fear of women ever since my first gf dumped me when I was 14. I had a long-term gf from age 17-21. She had serious anxiety, panic attacks and she was on drugs for it that made her not travel places. She also was not very sexual because of the medicaiton but we still did have sex for the first couple years but then it turned boring with her because she wouldn't get lubricated and I think this may have psychologically messed me up. I got addicted to internet porn and also was addicted to cocaine for a bit around 21, this was when I broke up with her, then she freaked out, bt then I hit rock bottom and tried to get back m, but then she woudln't get back with me. IThis really messed me up emotionally as I had to try and get off the drugs and I did, but then I got so incerdibly depressed. My dick started growing when I would see guys (not like getting a sexual aroused just like it would move without a sex feeling), i don't know how to explain it, but not in a sexual way like getting boner...i don't fantasize about men, I don't beat off to gay porn or men, ar have dreams about that. BUt then I got this incredible phobia that I was gay, jewish or ugly. Lol, I know this is weird but I used to hang out with drug dealers and it was messed up, and one day when i was messed, the drug dealer iplanted a mind control or something where I got a phobia of these three things. I had never felt like I was any of these things before...maybe ugly a couple times but not the gay or jewish thing. I don't know how much this had to do with the drugs or some trauma Idk. I've had sex only less than 20 times since then and I havent had a long term gf since then either. I eventually lost my friends from highschool by age 25. I fiishesd university only when I was 29. I have about $50k student debts from over spending while I wasnt working for 6 years from age 23 to 29. I moved out of my parents when I was 26 and have lived away from them since then. But I have never really had to work for anything, my parents gave me everything, and my dad was a control freak early on but then when I was about 19-21 I just kept getting messed up all the time. Then now I have problems binge drinking. I feel like I am always having to be "on something" and when I am not, and I go clean, it feels fine but ultiatemly I get depressed, like everything looks grey and shitty. Everything's fake. I have no friends right now. I am unemployed again, I keep getting honeysuckle jobs theat pay honeysuckle, even though i have a business degree. I dont even pay for my rent. I live in a kickass condo right downtown in the City but I have no friends at all. I only seem to hang out with my parents which is fine but it is really lonley for me to think that my only friends are my parents. I seriously don't know if these are all related issues. But I do have a fear of commitment. I also feel like I need to get away from my family since they have always engulfed me basically, my parents.

 

[Depressedology]

Dear Mountain8,
I enjoyed reading what your wrote, so thanks for that.
If you would let me give my best advice to help you with a direction in the soon future,

you need to find a stable job, fine payments, that's first.
2- get independent.
is it a life partner that you're interested in? once you settle right away from your parents, then you'll be good to take that step.
I don't see those stories and issues related. you're obviously a smart individual with a great sense of conscious. try to be positive now.
I think all these issues were just dragging you all around all these years. you can look at it from many angles, you had a good time, and I'm sure it formed experienced sides in your personality. just make the best out of it. time to focus starts with seeking a stable job, live in a small apartment, whatever, just get independent. That could be done with help from your parents now since they are still close to you ( that doesn't happen to anyone else at this age)

but it's their request to get away from them. and tell them your aim to find a life-partner and settle better. I'm sure they'll help and understand.
those next steps seem are going to be hard times, so get someone beside you through them... even if they were still your parents, but I'm not talking about financial support at this point any more.
faster than you may think, you'll find yourself there, hopefully with a family, and more satisfied than you ever were.

best of luck Mountain.

 

[Outlawstarl337]

it was a very interesting read and thanks for posting it

now for advice i really don't have much to say life can be confusing and messed up. i can relate to what your saying about the would seaming like a dale gray all the time because i often suffer from that though I've never had any serous addictions like you i think just finding some one or something that you can really love will solve that it does for me that's why i read books/manga all the time. i honestly wish you the best of luck and don't know what else to say.

 

[mountains8]

Hmmm, life partner and independence. I don't know if you're implying that you think I'm bisexual, or gay or straight whatever, but obviously I have an issue with that...I'm not homphobic, but I can tell that I have an issue so it;s good to talk about it. that I live on my own actually. But I don't even have to pay for rent. I have questioned my sexuality before, but not really ever seriously. I think we all have. But it felt good just to right about those things since it has made me feel better. My gf around 17 I really loved her for the first couple years...but then it went bad...I just have a big fear of committment.

Thanks for the reply.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

May I ask if you go out and try to make friends? Toronto is a nice city >_> I wish I lived there. Anyway do you get out of the condo you live in? To make friends you have to be around people.

It sounds to me like you are worried most about being judged as homosexual. Your post spent a lot of extra time on the fact that you were not a homosexual. You know you are not one and that is all that matters. If someone else calls you homosexual, well that is their opinion.