I have been lurking on this forum for a while with the odd posts now and then. I finally think I should post my story also, and since my loneliness comes from failed relationships, I thought this was the best place to post it. I am seriously confused with the events in my life and the way that it has made me feel.
Let me start off that I am perfectly normal in most aspects of my life. I have a steady job, I pay my bills on time, I pay my taxes, etc etc. I see myself as a fully productive member of this society. I have been told many many many times that I also am very attractive. Yet throughout my entire life I have never had a good image of relationships and them working out for me. This may sound like a self fulfilling prophesy, and it may actually have turned into it. Since I was a kid I always used to joke (mostly with myself, as I am an extremely private person with how I feel and about myself in general) that I would never settle down. In grade school, I wasn't the most popular kid, but I wasn't a social outcast either. However, I never actually ended up having a real girlfriend in high school. I've had girls who like me, and who I ended up calling my girlfriend in name only. So I haven't really had a lot of experience beyond being friends with them in school.
College was different, I started to break out and met and dated a few women. I even fell in love in college, which ended horribly (I believe mostly for me). Anyways, when this happened I fell into a deep dark depression for a long time. I dated a few women after my first love, but none of them was really what I was looking for. After several unsuccessful relationships, I went into a deep dark depression stage of my life. I neither dated, or had a relationship for over 10 years. I eventually broke out of that shell and started to see women again.
Last year I met this wonderful girl, I had thought she was perfect for me. She was beautiful, fun to be with, and just a overall great person. I ended up falling for her really quickly. This doesn't happen easily for me, but when I meet someone who I think is right for me, it happens fast usually. Anyways, she didn't exactly have the same feelings as I did. She obviously liked me, there was no denying it. But she had came out of a 2 year relationship. Oddly enough at the time I had pretty much ended a long term relationship myself, but with a girl I knew was not going to be the one for me. Well you can pretty much guess what I was to her. It's plain simple I was nothing more than the rebound guy to the girl. Which should have been obvious because she was waffling back and forth between staying with me or not. Anyways, it eventually took the toll and we eventually stopped seeing each other.
A few months later, I had dialed her by mistake when I was trying to call a friend. This eventually led to us seeing each other again for another month. This time things where very different. She purposely put me at a distance. She would not return my calls for days at a time, and would make every excuse not to see me. When I got to my last straw, that's when she would "throw me a bone" and would see me or return my call. Well needless to say this was going the wrong way for me so I ended it for good. This happened last December, right before Christmas.
Since then the depression that was felt by me after things ended with my first love has returned with a vengeance. I do not want to go through another decade of feeling sorry for myself, but I just can't seem to stop it. I honestly think that I can help myself recover if I can figure out what it is that is causing my depression. I am not sure if its because of the lost relationship, or is it because I really have had only one serious relationship in my life. I also have this dreaded feeling that I will be still be single by the time I hit 40 (I'm 35 now, I know its 5 years away, but remember I shut myself off for 10 years before).
After reading the stories of others on here, I do realize that my situation is no where as dire as some on here, but it still makes me struggle. Even though I do not want to be alone anymore, I have pretty much given up hope that I will ever meet someone that can take that lonely feeling away from me. Every time I see an attractive lady, or when I strike up a conversation with someone new, this thought goes through my head that she will be the one that eventually breaks my heart to no repair so I hesitate in making any sort of move.
Wow amazingly, this has probably been the most open that I have ever been about my past relationship and it is to a bunch of strangers on an open forum. I can't really talk to anyone about my feelings because I don't want to burden anyone with my struggles, and also I have problems expressing my feelings. The people around me have problems of their own and the last thing they need is to worry about my problems. Anyways, that is my sob story. Thank you for taking the time reading it, and hopefully it can help someone else to not make the same poor choices I have made in my life.
Let me start off that I am perfectly normal in most aspects of my life. I have a steady job, I pay my bills on time, I pay my taxes, etc etc. I see myself as a fully productive member of this society. I have been told many many many times that I also am very attractive. Yet throughout my entire life I have never had a good image of relationships and them working out for me. This may sound like a self fulfilling prophesy, and it may actually have turned into it. Since I was a kid I always used to joke (mostly with myself, as I am an extremely private person with how I feel and about myself in general) that I would never settle down. In grade school, I wasn't the most popular kid, but I wasn't a social outcast either. However, I never actually ended up having a real girlfriend in high school. I've had girls who like me, and who I ended up calling my girlfriend in name only. So I haven't really had a lot of experience beyond being friends with them in school.
College was different, I started to break out and met and dated a few women. I even fell in love in college, which ended horribly (I believe mostly for me). Anyways, when this happened I fell into a deep dark depression for a long time. I dated a few women after my first love, but none of them was really what I was looking for. After several unsuccessful relationships, I went into a deep dark depression stage of my life. I neither dated, or had a relationship for over 10 years. I eventually broke out of that shell and started to see women again.
Last year I met this wonderful girl, I had thought she was perfect for me. She was beautiful, fun to be with, and just a overall great person. I ended up falling for her really quickly. This doesn't happen easily for me, but when I meet someone who I think is right for me, it happens fast usually. Anyways, she didn't exactly have the same feelings as I did. She obviously liked me, there was no denying it. But she had came out of a 2 year relationship. Oddly enough at the time I had pretty much ended a long term relationship myself, but with a girl I knew was not going to be the one for me. Well you can pretty much guess what I was to her. It's plain simple I was nothing more than the rebound guy to the girl. Which should have been obvious because she was waffling back and forth between staying with me or not. Anyways, it eventually took the toll and we eventually stopped seeing each other.
A few months later, I had dialed her by mistake when I was trying to call a friend. This eventually led to us seeing each other again for another month. This time things where very different. She purposely put me at a distance. She would not return my calls for days at a time, and would make every excuse not to see me. When I got to my last straw, that's when she would "throw me a bone" and would see me or return my call. Well needless to say this was going the wrong way for me so I ended it for good. This happened last December, right before Christmas.
Since then the depression that was felt by me after things ended with my first love has returned with a vengeance. I do not want to go through another decade of feeling sorry for myself, but I just can't seem to stop it. I honestly think that I can help myself recover if I can figure out what it is that is causing my depression. I am not sure if its because of the lost relationship, or is it because I really have had only one serious relationship in my life. I also have this dreaded feeling that I will be still be single by the time I hit 40 (I'm 35 now, I know its 5 years away, but remember I shut myself off for 10 years before).
After reading the stories of others on here, I do realize that my situation is no where as dire as some on here, but it still makes me struggle. Even though I do not want to be alone anymore, I have pretty much given up hope that I will ever meet someone that can take that lonely feeling away from me. Every time I see an attractive lady, or when I strike up a conversation with someone new, this thought goes through my head that she will be the one that eventually breaks my heart to no repair so I hesitate in making any sort of move.
Wow amazingly, this has probably been the most open that I have ever been about my past relationship and it is to a bunch of strangers on an open forum. I can't really talk to anyone about my feelings because I don't want to burden anyone with my struggles, and also I have problems expressing my feelings. The people around me have problems of their own and the last thing they need is to worry about my problems. Anyways, that is my sob story. Thank you for taking the time reading it, and hopefully it can help someone else to not make the same poor choices I have made in my life.
