supernova88
Member
- Joined
- Jul 18, 2014
- Messages
- 13
- Reaction score
- 0
Hi, I'm new here, and I don't really know what I want joining the forum. Maybe I'm just looking for some reassurance I'm not the only one who feels completely isolated.
I am not truly alone in life for the fact I have a great family, but I have always had a terribly hard time making friends. As a kid I was almost always segregated by my classmates, not for any specific reason but just an inherent incompatibility with our personalities. I gravitated more toward science and art and less toward sports and video games, and became an easy target for bullying by other boys. I took up karate to protect myself and to be physically active, but even my karate partners were not necessarily my friends outside of practice. Every once in a while I would make a friend who matched my personality, and for a while things were okay, but they always seemed to move away within a few months to a year leaving me to start all over. I finally did make two lasting friends in eighth grade, and entering high school things got easier when people stopped antagonizing one another and relaxed into their own social circles. The fact that people still kept their distance from my buddies and I, though, without any real justification did not make it sting any less, and entering college I was chose to erase my past and start over.
I attended college six hours away from home in another state, and I had the time of my life taking challenging courses and, of course, making new friends. I was welcomed into several circles, from close friends I made as a freshman to people in my martial arts club to underclassmen I met in my later years. I kept in touch with my two friends from high school (one was also going to school out of state and the other stayed home to be a mechanic), but I became enthralled with my new social life. To top it all off I even had a girlfriend my senior year who I loved very much. All this fell apart, though, when I graduated and moved back home for grad school. Within the first few weeks living at home I fell into a deep depression (something which runs in my family) being removed from my friends from school. Even my two best friends from eighth grade were no longer available - one chose to remain living out of state, and the other formed a social circle with coworkers who I could not relate with. I freaked out whenever I heard how friends from college were enjoying their newfound freedom reconnecting with each other or with friends from their hometowns, especially my girlfriend who I left behind moving home. Whether people were going on trips together or simply enjoying each other's company over dinner and drinks, I had no such luck and it changed the way I behaved. Stuck in a deep depression, I even lost my girlfriend when she could not take my moping and anger anymore.
These past few years have been tough on me: I dropped out of grad school, worked a couple menial jobs, and finally got my life on track earning my license to be a teacher. Through it all, though, I have had no luck making any meaningful relationships with people my own age, not for a lack of trying but a lack of reciprocation. On one occasion I studied with the son of my dad's friend to pass my teaching exam, but when I suggested me and this guy grab a beer and hang out one night he never called me back. Another time I reconnected with a high school classmate also studying to be a teacher, and though we got along in class he never returned my phone calls or emails to grab lunch and catch up sometime. I even went on a trip to Israel with about 40 other people living in the area, but after returning from the trip no one has bothered to reach out to me even though I know many of them have since remained close. If anything I've been hit hardest while working at a camp to supplement my teacher training. At work I've always been about 3-5 years older than the counselors but 5 years younger than the supervisors, leaving me in an awkward rut where I get along with people just fine but no one seems to want to get to know me outside the work environment. Even those few people who are my age seem so content with their lives they give no thought toward reaching out to me or accepting my invitations to do something together. Instead I'm left listening how my coworkers plan to get together with friends from home or from college, or even with each other, and go to the beach or the city or hiking or have a barbecue, and all the while I go home each and every night with nothing to do and no one to make me feel wanted or appreciated.
I'm about to start the next phase of my life starting a career and hopefully moving out of my parents' house. All the while I'm devastated I have no one to reach out to, and I'm morbidly afraid this is how I'm destined to live. I'm so afraid and confused, in fact, that I put a tremendous amount of hope and energy into meeting new people and probably scare them away in the process. Other times I completely shut down the moment I think things aren't going my way, and I become that guy sitting in the corner holding an empty cup and staring into space. I can't imagine what, if anything, I'm doing wrong in life, but I realize that people probably just can't fathom the notion that I am as alone as I feel and give no thought to inviting me into their lives nor joining mine. I want things to change, I just don't know where to start.
I am not truly alone in life for the fact I have a great family, but I have always had a terribly hard time making friends. As a kid I was almost always segregated by my classmates, not for any specific reason but just an inherent incompatibility with our personalities. I gravitated more toward science and art and less toward sports and video games, and became an easy target for bullying by other boys. I took up karate to protect myself and to be physically active, but even my karate partners were not necessarily my friends outside of practice. Every once in a while I would make a friend who matched my personality, and for a while things were okay, but they always seemed to move away within a few months to a year leaving me to start all over. I finally did make two lasting friends in eighth grade, and entering high school things got easier when people stopped antagonizing one another and relaxed into their own social circles. The fact that people still kept their distance from my buddies and I, though, without any real justification did not make it sting any less, and entering college I was chose to erase my past and start over.
I attended college six hours away from home in another state, and I had the time of my life taking challenging courses and, of course, making new friends. I was welcomed into several circles, from close friends I made as a freshman to people in my martial arts club to underclassmen I met in my later years. I kept in touch with my two friends from high school (one was also going to school out of state and the other stayed home to be a mechanic), but I became enthralled with my new social life. To top it all off I even had a girlfriend my senior year who I loved very much. All this fell apart, though, when I graduated and moved back home for grad school. Within the first few weeks living at home I fell into a deep depression (something which runs in my family) being removed from my friends from school. Even my two best friends from eighth grade were no longer available - one chose to remain living out of state, and the other formed a social circle with coworkers who I could not relate with. I freaked out whenever I heard how friends from college were enjoying their newfound freedom reconnecting with each other or with friends from their hometowns, especially my girlfriend who I left behind moving home. Whether people were going on trips together or simply enjoying each other's company over dinner and drinks, I had no such luck and it changed the way I behaved. Stuck in a deep depression, I even lost my girlfriend when she could not take my moping and anger anymore.
These past few years have been tough on me: I dropped out of grad school, worked a couple menial jobs, and finally got my life on track earning my license to be a teacher. Through it all, though, I have had no luck making any meaningful relationships with people my own age, not for a lack of trying but a lack of reciprocation. On one occasion I studied with the son of my dad's friend to pass my teaching exam, but when I suggested me and this guy grab a beer and hang out one night he never called me back. Another time I reconnected with a high school classmate also studying to be a teacher, and though we got along in class he never returned my phone calls or emails to grab lunch and catch up sometime. I even went on a trip to Israel with about 40 other people living in the area, but after returning from the trip no one has bothered to reach out to me even though I know many of them have since remained close. If anything I've been hit hardest while working at a camp to supplement my teacher training. At work I've always been about 3-5 years older than the counselors but 5 years younger than the supervisors, leaving me in an awkward rut where I get along with people just fine but no one seems to want to get to know me outside the work environment. Even those few people who are my age seem so content with their lives they give no thought toward reaching out to me or accepting my invitations to do something together. Instead I'm left listening how my coworkers plan to get together with friends from home or from college, or even with each other, and go to the beach or the city or hiking or have a barbecue, and all the while I go home each and every night with nothing to do and no one to make me feel wanted or appreciated.
I'm about to start the next phase of my life starting a career and hopefully moving out of my parents' house. All the while I'm devastated I have no one to reach out to, and I'm morbidly afraid this is how I'm destined to live. I'm so afraid and confused, in fact, that I put a tremendous amount of hope and energy into meeting new people and probably scare them away in the process. Other times I completely shut down the moment I think things aren't going my way, and I become that guy sitting in the corner holding an empty cup and staring into space. I can't imagine what, if anything, I'm doing wrong in life, but I realize that people probably just can't fathom the notion that I am as alone as I feel and give no thought to inviting me into their lives nor joining mine. I want things to change, I just don't know where to start.
