Need advice

[msbxa]

Hello fellow lonely people. I know it all too well.
It has been a while since I've been on this forum.

Anyways, I come here again, need some help and advice, during a difficult time. Preferably from females, as I think they would provide better advice, be better in tune and better understand the situation. I'm very confused on what to do. From my male standpoint.

Sorry in advance for the long post...

Here is the issue:

I met a girl from an online dating site. And we ended up making a really good and mutual connection, and mutual like for one another. That is something that I found to be extremely rare and hard to find, especially from a dating site. We talked a lot through email. Then through chats for hours. And through a few live sessions. We shared interests and feelings. I've told her things I've never told anyone before. Things I thought I'd never tell anyone before. It was a wonderful feeling, and it went on for almost 2 months. One big problem however was that we are a fair distance apart. Not too incredibly far though, it would be about a 4-5 hour drive away, but unfortunately neither of us have a car.

Some of the things I shared with her and told her, I think were risky... But I had to tell and share those things in order for her to truly understand me. It really was not anything bad, just things that most "normal" people would not understand and could take the wrong way. But I felt that she could understand. I told her such things like that I have been alone for a LONG time. And that I have felt very lonely. And that I had a pretty traumatic experience with a girl in the past that was somewhat psychopathic. Actually a very strange and complex story. She told me she was okay with all this, and felt sorry and angry for me that it had happened to me. She also told me a couple of very personal things prior to that as well.

However, about a week or so later, our emails and chats began to become shorter and fewer. I started getting the feeling that she stopped liking me as much. She said that she has been very busy, and stressful things were happening in her life. She apologized, saying it was not me, nothing to do with me, I did nothing wrong. I tried to be understanding and accepting of it, even though I missed her. Our communications slowly diminished further.
Asked her again about it, she also confessed that her ex-boyfriend contacted her, says he still loves her. She was with him for 5 years she tells me. Broken up for 1 year before we started chatting.

I'm afraid to ask her more about that, as I feel it could mean the end between us. That is something I don't think I could handle. Being alone for so long, it is painful, and it can encompass you in darkness...
Especially when you get a taste for something like this and then go back to that lonely life yet again...

But she did tell me she still wanted to chat with me, but has been busy and going through life changes and has lots on her mind.

After about 2 weeks of not having a chat session, due to her getting sick and being very busy, we got into a chat session last night.
I told her in an email that I've been depressed, asked how are things going on for you, is there anything I can do to help what you are going through, and that I miss her, would like to chat again, and that I am confused, etc.
As I expected, that chat didn't last too long. She told me she was tired from work, but apologized for her strange actions. And said it was nothing that I did. She told me she feels that she owes to explain her actions of not being as communicative now but it is awkward to tell me. I asked her does it have to do with me, and she said no. I told her, if it will make you feel awkward, you don't need to tell me if you don't want to. Unless it is something that I need to know, and that I will leave it up to her, to tell me if she wants to, no pressure. And lastly that I will give her the time and space she needs right now. She also admitted that she does in fact feel pressured to talk to me right then, after I asked her if she felt that way. : (
So we parted.

But I fear, that this could be the end...
Trying to get rid of me in as nice of a way as possible?

I feel regrets because I actually feel that I love her, but I never have actually said so. I feel that would be too intense and uncomfortable to say, because of the distance thing, and as I've only really talked to her online... I've also considered that maybe I should have asked her to "be my girlfriend" or something like that, and maybe that was expected of me and waited of me to do so? (I've heard of other people that have made a "relationship" that was internet and long distance). But I never did so, because of the distance thing, and I feel like that would just be too weird, and unnecessarily intense.
And I also wanted her to know that I was thinking of traveling the distance just to see & visit her.
And that I hope this is not good-bye between us...

Would telling her any of these things be a BAD idea now???
I'm torn between the best thing to do:
- Let things go and let her have her time and space that she needs. And try to play things "cool". This is what I am leaning on what I feel is best.
- Or, take action now and say how I feel, full out or on a lesser & safer scale, instead of being silent, before it could be too late?

I'm confused. And I sure as hell don't have much experience with this stuff at all.

Thanks for reading and any replies.

 

[Regumika]

Over a year ago I started talking to a girl online. We got along really well. I really liked her. I asked her if she would like to be more than friends, she said yes. A few weeks later, she said that her current situation is going to prevent her from being a good girlfriend and that we should stop doing this. I understood that and said that I would wait. She cut contact for about 6 months. Then she emailed me one day saying that she's a lot better now (though still in not so good situation) and would like to continue communication (email). Soon, we became facebook friends and would occasionally trade facebook messages. That was almost a year ago since she contacted me again.

We have never spoke with voice, though I have mentioned a few times. We have never really instant messaged since she came back. Over the last year her emails are long, but weeks in between. Even now, facebook messages are days apart. But you know what? I told her I will wait, and that's what I'm doing. I have shared with her multiple times how I feel about her and she understands. She said that she isn't looking for a relationship right now but she didn't say no that she will not have a relationship with me ever. I'm going to see her for the first time in September. She never considered meeting anyone else again from the internet as she had an unpleasant experience in the past but she really wants to meet me. Keep in mind, by the time I see her in September, it would have almost been 2 years since we first started talking. And we're not even dating.

I told her, if it will make you feel awkward, you don't need to tell me if you don't want to. Unless it is something that I need to know, and that I will leave it up to her, to tell me if she wants to, no pressure. And lastly that I will give her the time and space she needs right now.

You said that you are leaving it up to her, yes. But look at you worrying. That's not really leaving it up to her. No pressure? Look at you expecting something and forming conclusions already. You will give her the time and space? Start being patient then. You know what women (people) don't like the most? When guys lie. Do you trust her? Do you trust the feeling she had for you? So what if it's about her ex? If she gone back to her ex, then her feeling for you in the first place wasn't real. It would be more like infatuation rather than love. If that was the case, then you know for sure and you can move on, but until you know - Stick to your word.

You were also very vague on what exactly these private things you told her are (not that I'm prying). Though you must understand that when you tell people you are dependent, it drives people away. Which is why many people say to take care of yourself first (no, I don't mean living situation or money) before seeking a relationship. It's not fair to dump all your insecurities on someone, especially someone who would be your partner.

 

[msbxa]

Thank you for the feedback.
It really opens my mind to a new way of looking at this.
A way in which I have not considered before.

Regumika, May I ask you some things about your experience that you described?
How did you feel after the first time you stopped talking to her for the then 6 months?
After all this time, how do you feel about her now? Still the same as at first?

Perhaps I AM insecure. That did not exactly occur to me.
I am still confused however. It seems to be more than just simply that.

I've been doing some reading, and thinking.

I think that one of my problems is, as I mentioned at the end,
what I am worried about, and what it is that maybe makes me "insecure",
is that I am worried about all the "rules" when it comes to dating/relationships.
That is, what to do, what not to do, what to say, what not to say, and WHEN to do/say them.
Like for example, I think that, should I have asked her if she wanted to be more than friends?
Or would that be something that would be too intense or appear too needy/dependent, given the fact that we have not actually been together face to face and we are quite far away.
In other words, did it NEED to be officially said that I think of her more than "just friends"?
Even though it seemed obvious between us both.

I tend to just try to ignore all the rules... Just do what I feel and say what I think.
But is that really the right way to go about things? Do these rules REALLY matter?
In all cases and with all different types of people? I do not necessarily agree.
But I am unsure. It has my mind in a mess.

You said that you are leaving it up to her, yes. But look at you worrying. That's not really leaving it up to her. No pressure? Look at you expecting something and forming conclusions already. You will give her the time and space? Start being patient then. You know what women (people) don't like the most? When guys lie. Do you trust her? Do you trust the feeling she had for you?

I can see myself worrying yeah. But how is that not really leaving it up to her?
What am I expecting and forming conclusions on? I meant to her that I'm leaving it up to her if she wanted to talk to me about it. Meaning, AT ALL. I meant it like I'm not necessarily expecting anything unless there is something she wants to tell me.
I don't understand...
Maybe I did not describe all that accurately enough.

I do trust the feelings that she HAD for me. Yes.
However I also think that feelings can change. For some people it could even be like a switch.
And based on her change of communication, this appeared to possibly be the case.
However she also told me she was very busy & stressed, and that it was nothing to do with me or anything I did.

Regardless of all this confusion to me,
I think I know what needs to be done.
I need to give that time and space.
And try to just chill the F out.

 

[Tiina63]

To me it sounds as though she, for whatever reason, is backing away from you. It may be that something you told her worried her or made her think again, or maybe she is thinking of going back to her ex. I am really sorry to sound so negative but that is the feeling I am getting when I read your post about her behaviour. I really hope that I am wrong about this.

 

[msbxa]

Thanks Tiina63, for the reply.
That is pretty much the feeling I was leaning towards as well.

I think it is pretty much over. I think I need to try to move forward from this and face and work out my issues, whatever they are. Otherwise this will just happen again, if I ever meet someone else.

I feel really bad that I may have let her down...
But I guess the best thing for her at this point is that I just let this go and move on.

 

[Regumika]

How did I feel during the 6 months - Well, it was difficult but I knew why she wasn't talking to me (as opposed to you, who really don't know why your girls is creating distance). While it wasn't completely easy, I guess you can say that it wasn't ridiculously difficult either. The hardest part during the 6 months was - how long is the silence going to last. I just did my best to distract myself, wasn't a good time at all. I feel more about her now than when I did when I first started talking to her. Seems like every single week I like her a little more. The hardest part in the last year of our occasional email/text was the thought - is this wait worth it? Am I going to wait another year, another two years, just for her to say "let's just be friends." She has told me in the past "If there was something about you that would push me away from you, I would tell you." So far, she hasn't said anything like that. That doesn't stop me from thinking about it. I just have to try really hard to trust her, and ignore those negative thoughts.

It's natural to worry about what could happen. We all worry about it, male or female. There are no "rules" in relationships though. I know a girl who turned down her boyfriend 3 times before she said yes. Everything is case by case. Being clear though, is generally good - honestly. It's good to be bold at times, but sometimes others may perceive it as overbearing. Again, everyone is different, so it's case by case.

Yeah, just do what you say are you going to do, and give her what she needs, time and space.