Needs to be Said

[Sally's Song]

This is going to be a mess of emotions, just a warning ahead of time.

So, yes, I met a new guy. He's great and from what people say *and from what I've experienced lately* we mesh amazingly well. He fills a void in my life in a new and unique way, so for that alone I am blessed. Here's the BUT (as he texts me... ugh makes me feel bad...). BUT, the thing is: I'm still in love with someone else. And he hasn't asked, and I definitely will never bring it up, because if I were honest it might break his heart. And it definitely would end whatever we have going for us.

I know, from experience. I was hanging out with another guy before I met *New Guy* and explained where I was with my feelings for *First Love* and I made him cry! Not tears of envy or tears of rejection, but he FELT the truth of what I was saying and had never felt so deeply for any person in his life. I found it to be extremely alienating knowing that nobody has been able to relate to the type of love I'm capable of feeling, as of yet. That was the last time I saw him or talked to him, not for lack of his effort, but because it just made me sick that I could try to be with another person when my heart is still full for *F.L.*.

It's always been my fault when things between me and *F.L.* end. It always ends with me being weak and bringing up my feelings. He never says he doesn't feel the same, he just fades out of my life. That's what has hurt me the worst, and I've been through experiences that would break other women. (Encounters with men that I won't tell, because it will leave you feeling horrified).

It's just the cold, indifferent silence that makes me feel like a hole is being ripped out of my chest. And for once, I met this *New Guy* who is replacing that feeling with warmth, caring, understanding, the list goes on and on. The thing I'm most worried about is, after *N.G.* has filled up the voids in my heart left behind by past experiences, I know my heart will never belong to him. I'm not being stubborn, believe me. I've just tried time and time again. I've been engaged TWICE, and broke it off each time with the explanation that I was in love with *F.L.*. The first time, I hadn't even spoken to *F.L.* in two years. The feelings are just always there.

Ugh... I have to find a way to forget him. Because it really seems like he'll never be ready to do the one thing I need most... just be present in my life. And there's a man who's ready willing and able to do it, and for once, a guy actually deserves my heart. It just isn't mine to give anymore.

I'm gonna respond to that txt I just got from *New Guy*. Sorry for the venting session

 

[shells]

I'm sorry that you're struggling. What you described does sound really complicated and disheartening. You really do deserve to find someone that will be there to comfort you and stand by your side.

However, I do think you should to be completely honest with yourself and your intentions with this new guy. I say that because of this:

The thing I'm most worried about is, after *N.G.* has filled up the voids in my heart left behind by past experiences, I know my heart will never belong to him.

I've been engaged TWICE, and broke it off each time with the explanation that I was in love with *F.L.*. The first time, I hadn't even spoken to *F.L.* in two years. The feelings are just always there.

It wouldn't be fair to him, really. And I don't feel that you want to go through another cycle of finding out down the road that you can't commit yourself to someone else because you still have feelings for "F.L". I imagine it would also take a toll on your energy and emotions if you constantly have to question your intentions and feelings for this new guy throughout the relationship.

If you are honest, yes... It may break his heart. But I promise you that it would hurt him so much more to wait until the relationship deepens and you realize that it isn't what you want; especially if you are realizing now that you aren't quite ready to move on.

 

[LGH1288]

Hi Sally's Song -- If I were faced with the same dilemma I might ask myself what "Naleena" posted: "Who Do I Deserve?". IMO in order to be happy it is essential to satisfy our needs rather than settle for what is easier and live a life of regret. Best wishes, LG

 

[Sally's Song]

I just don't want to keep being alone. We're all here because of different situations, but it all boils down to that same reason. And yea, I'm seeing this *New Guy* and we're talking all day everyday, which fills that need for affection nicely. But if I can be honest I've been too scared to be intimate with anyone since getting my heart ripped out a few months ago (again, by *F.L.*).

So understand that until we reach a certain level of intimacy (not necessarily in the physical sense), it's premature to even bring up an issue like this. For now, I'm being selfish by making the decision to let myself have feelings for this guy. And don't get me wrong, I'm not leading him on... I'm just anticipating the day when I try to compare the two, because I'm scared of which one might come up short.

 

[Sci-Fi]

You said *F.L* has ripped out your heart more than once, I think you have your answer right there. If this new guy is filling the whole in your heart that the other guy has caused you also have your answer right there. Sounds like new guy = positive, and old guy = negative.

I really hope you find your answer and make the decision that is right for you.

 

[Sally's Song]

You said *F.L* has ripped out your heart more than once, I think you have your answer right there. If this new guy is filling the whole in your heart that the other guy has caused you also have your answer right there. Sounds like new guy = positive, and old guy = negative.

I really hope you find your answer and make the decision that is right for you.

Thanks sci-fi. That's why I'm venting on these forums, so I don't take it out on this great guy. Just needed to get my feelings out there so I could get my thoughts in line

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Will....@ least someone kind of understands me..
It took me 2 yrs to geting into another relationship. After me divorced. Well that went to honeysuckle..becuz as much as my new love N cares for me...I was still very mcuh in love with my ex wf..it dosnt show everyday..but in subtle little things which eventally destroy that relationship It lasted 6 yrs.Got into another relationshp..basically the samthing. That lasted 12 yrs.. Sherry tried n tried..i belive her gambling was her way of coping . She question or FELT
I was still very much in love with Michelle..this is freaking 18 yrs later.
Michelle finanlly got a hold of me
20 yrs later .Shes the love of my life..Theres no logic to it. The heart wants what the heart wants...I tried to conviece myself that I dont love Michelle like a million differnt ways or reasons. It dosnt work.
Theres plenty of women in my life @ the moment..Just like plenty of women came into my after our deviorce.Its like fucken instant replay..Honestly Im still in love with Michelle Lee

 

[Ladysphinx]

Sally you seem to be between the rock and a hard place. Though I'm happily married I still have feelings for an ex of mine. Sometimes you learn to live without them somtimes you don't. Nobody know's about my feelings, and I honestly love my hubby despite all. You will have to work this out by your self,and I really hope you do.

 

[bestfriend7]

Well, my perspective on all this is that it sounds like unrequited love with FL and as the song goes, "I can't make you love me if you don't, I can't make your heart feel something it won't". I understand still having feelings for your first love, who doesn't? But I would not let that hold you back from starting a REAL relationship. Because what you had with FL is apparently over completely for him if he tends to leave your life when you bring up your feelings. I know it is probably very hard but you really do need to let go. I have recently been separated from my husband who I have been with for almost 13 yrs. and letting go is very painful and extremely difficult but I know I have to do it. I know I have to move on but right now I have nothing to "move on" to. At least you have NG who seems to be someone that is filling that void for you. Yes, you will probably still "think" about FL but eventually you will be able to move past that and just let it be there in your mind to think about every now and then and realize that it is just a thought and there is nothing wrong with it as long as you don't act on it. You will probably find that FL will come into your mind less and less as time goes on. I hope that everything works out with you!

 

[Sally's Song]

Well, my perspective on all this is that it sounds like unrequited love with FL and as the song goes, "I can't make you love me if you don't, I can't make your heart feel something it won't". I understand still having feelings for your first love, who doesn't? But I would not let that hold you back from starting a REAL relationship. Because what you had with FL is apparently over completely for him if he tends to leave your life when you bring up your feelings. I know it is probably very hard but you really do need to let go. I have recently been separated from my husband who I have been with for almost 13 yrs. and letting go is very painful and extremely difficult but I know I have to do it. I know I have to move on but right now I have nothing to "move on" to. At least you have NG who seems to be someone that is filling that void for you. Yes, you will probably still "think" about FL but eventually you will be able to move past that and just let it be there in your mind to think about every now and then and realize that it is just a thought and there is nothing wrong with it as long as you don't act on it. You will probably find that FL will come into your mind less and less as time goes on. I hope that everything works out with you!

Well said! The beauty of me lies in the fact that I'm patient beyond almost all reason. So I just have to turn that patience away from FL and into more positive areas of my life. Long story short, I'm so willing to wait for the right thing rather than to wait for another heartache from FL

 

[Callie]

*hugs*


I kind of know how you feel, only there's not a new guy right now in my life. You should be honest with the new guy. BUT, are you sure you couldn't love him? I don't mean love him AS MUCH OR AS DEEPLY as your love the other guy tho. You will most likely love the other guy forever, if you love him that much, but that doesn't mean you can't love someone else.

 

[Sally's Song]

*hugs*


I kind of know how you feel, only there's not a new guy right now in my life. You should be honest with the new guy. BUT, are you sure you couldn't love him? I don't mean love him AS MUCH OR AS DEEPLY as your love the other guy tho. You will most likely love the other guy forever, if you love him that much, but that doesn't mean you can't love someone else.

*hugs* right back atcha

I'm not sure about loving this new guy, but I'm sure I dig him a lot already! He's willing to take a chance on me... I just always thought the only guy I was willing to take a chance on was FL. I guess I'm about to find out! And yes, FL knows I'm always his no matter what. But either way it's time to move forward in my life =D

For the record, I don't need a man to be around for validation; I don't even need a man around to buy things for me. I just need a man to step up and be my friend for life!