Nerves.

[MentatsGhoul]

So, bit of a long one. On my second day back to university about two weeks ago, my best (and only notable) friend sent me a cryptic message saying that she wanted to take a break from skype and the internet to focus on getting her life together, and that she'd "probably" talk to me again. It seemed very out of nowhere, and was most likely an effort to subtly "leave" me without the guilt or drama. It kinda pissed me off, so, I asked her to tell me straight up that she WILL come back, or to say goodbye, rather than play games. And... she said goodbye.

The funny thing is, we did fight, our friendship had ups and downs. We were both very broken people, that's the truth of it. But just a few days prior, I was going through a huge crisis due to anxiety. And she stuck by me. I've been somewhat traumatised by past friendships for reasons I won't go into, and, that moment was when I finally, finally felt secure with my friendship with her. And then to have her say goodbye all of a sudden just destroyed me. Not to mention, I was once again entering the year with no friends, new flatmates I hadn't met before, and general anxiety. It was the worst possible timing for her to decide to leave. And she was... quite possibly the person I've cared for most in my entire life, excluding family. I begged her not to go, I pleaded, I tried to bargain. I'm not proud of it, but... the alternative would have been to just selflessly say "I'll be fine, go". But that wouldn't have been the truth. I was left so vulnerable by it, that it could have easily ended terribly for me if I had a bad day or two. I didn't have the strength to just make myself a martyr again and lie that I'd be fine, just to make things easier for someone else.

Luckily, things have gone okay since. I've been going out, working relatively hard. Talk to someone almost every day, which might seem like nothing to most people, but to me, it's a pretty big deal. Talk to my parents more even. But I miss her. And I realised that I just drove her away more by being needy and paranoid. So... I decided I wouldn't just let it go, like every friend before me. I wrote her a letter.

In it, I didn't beg her to come back. I just told her I was doing fine, outlined some of the stuff I'm doing. And that I missed her. I didn't "need" her, but I couldn't just replace the friendship we had with another one, because no one would have our memories together, her sense of humour, our unique connection. I reminisced about some of our better moments, like the first time we met when I potentially talked her out of self-harm on another forum, or our first skype call. And that I wanted to talk and start over. I'll probably be fine without her, but she means a lot to me, and I'll miss her so much if we can't ever speak again.

I sent that letter a day or two ago. She hasn't responded. Kinda normal with her, considering she said she wanted to limit internet usage and tends to think these kinds of things through. But not gonna lie. I thought sending it would make me feel better. It's just making me nervous waiting for her to answer, even if that answer is a no. She might answer as soon as I post this thread, making it pointless. She might answer in a week. Or never. I just don't know. Will keep this thread updated if anyone is interested.

I just feel like I'm worthless, and a bad influence. I ruin every friendship I get. Everyone is worse for knowing me in the end. I just wish I could see things through, for once in my life. She was one of the few people who ever brought out the good in me. And I feel bad for trying to contact her and fix things. I don't think I can ever do things right, and that scares me.

 

[Bubblebeam]

Try not to take the situation too personally. In my experience, people suddenly bug out of things all the time. It doesn't automatically mean one party is at fault. Often times, people are just scared I think. Scared of making serious connections and being hurt by them. Some peoples thinking is to kill that risk before it becomes one. You said you both are broken people, so maybe he/she is scared of exactly that. Or it could be one of a thousand other reasons, especially when one is mentally troubled as you say they are.

 

[MentatsGhoul]

Try not to take the situation too personally. In my experience, people suddenly bug out of things all the time. It doesn't automatically mean one party is at fault. Often times, people are just scared I think. Scared of making serious connections and being hurt by them. Some peoples thinking is to kill that risk before it becomes one. You said you both are broken people, so maybe he/she is scared of exactly that. Or it could be one of a thousand other reasons, especially when one is mentally troubled as you say they are.

To be honest, yes, that is plausible in her case, and the reasonings she gave really sounded kinda... poor. I wasn't perfect, but she'd taken a few things too personally. Still, this doesn't really make me feel much better. It makes it more likely for her to come back I think, but hasn't responded yet. I'm honestly a bit worried about her, since I sent another message saying "I can get if you want to ignore me, but please just tell me you're okay if nothing else, I'm getting worried". But still nothing.

 

[Forsaken-Knight]

yea its hard but i would let it go..most likely..in time she will contact you. Been through this a number of times myself..and if I chill out...move on..usually..in a month or so i get a text......"hey how are you..? whats going on?" Remember they are missing the friendship as well.....or will start missing it....Sometimes people have to strike out and see what is what

 

[constant stranger]

I think your life and my life have a lot in common MG. When things are this bad, tell yourself that it'll pass....somehow....and do what tasks there are to do that you can actually do something about, like establish an understanding of how to get on with the new flatmates, keep up with classes at university and look to a future that doesn't repeat the problems of the past.

OK, that really sounds lame. I hope things get better.

 

[ardour]

You should probably prepare for the possibility that she won’t reply. It is difficult when people completely change tack on you.

 

[MentatsGhoul]

Alright, update time. Might make this a separate thread, but... idk. Just would appreciate some advice here.

She replied last night, and said that she's glad I'm doing better but she hasn't changed her mind. But we did end up talking for a while. And... essentially, what came out was that she is scared... of something. And I really don't think she even understands why she did it or her reasoning for suddenly jumping out. She pretty much admitted it as well, I mean, no offence to her, but that's pretty much the type of person she is unfortunately.

So I told her that I would respect her wish to leave, but that we should at least work through these feelings first. It's obviously not great to end a friendship on "I'm leaving, I don't really understand why and I won't talk to you about it, because it scares me". I know it's not gonna be good for either of us entering new friendships. But she didn't even seem to understand why I'd want to understand and work through these things. She pretty much said that she needed to keep things inside her and that she was afraid talking would hurt her.

I've known her for two years, and we've been very close friends. I'm certain this isn't really about me, but some kind of paranoia or fear of being close that she's going through. Even our goodbye this time (as well as last time) dragged on forever, like she didn't really want to go. And when I expressed being worried that I'll never see her again, she said she wasn't sure about that, and when I said "for some reason, I believe we will, is that weird" she wasn't put off by that and didn't try to convince me otherwise. I'm worried she's self-sabotaging her friendships again (she's done it before) because of her anxieties.

The thing is... I'm not sure what to do. Should I just be adamant and tell her that we should talk it out and that she's not being rational? Or should I let her go, and hope that maybe she'll talk to me again? I'm honestly not sure what's right here. I'm either abandoning her and enabling her to keep running from her demons instead of facing them, or I'm essentially not leaving her alone.

 

[Bubblebeam]

I don't think any two people would do the exact same thing in this situation. There's not really a right or wrong thing to do. I, personally, think I would say "I respect your wishes but I'll be here if you need me - just shout" and until then leave them be. Depends on the person of course and only you actually know them, but that seems a good middle ground.

 

[Serenia]

Could it actually be she is scared to fully explain, because it could be romantic feelings for you she has now. She might be scared to admit this, or to be rejected, or for something to develop and it fail.

The way she seems reluctant to go suggests she doesn't want your friendship to end. Also is she saying goodbye because it is painful for her being friends with you when she might have feelings and they are not reciprocated. So to leave she can 'get over you', and start to heal.

Just another perspective. Keep us informed.

 

[MentatsGhoul]

I don't think any two people would do the exact same thing in this situation. There's not really a right or wrong thing to do. I, personally, think I would say "I respect your wishes but I'll be here if you need me - just shout" and until then leave them be. Depends on the person of course and only you actually know them, but that seems a good middle ground.

I did tell her that. But it's just that, in my experience, it generally doesn't really change anything, it's rare for the other person to actually contact you based on that.

Could it actually be she is scared to fully explain, because it could be romantic feelings for you she has now. She might be scared to admit this, or to be rejected, or for something to develop and it fail.

The way she seems reluctant to go suggests she doesn't want your friendship to end. Also is she saying goodbye because it is painful for her being friends with you when she might have feelings and they are not reciprocated. So to leave she can 'get over you', and start to heal.

Just another perspective. Keep us informed.

I mean... it's not entirely impossible, but I very much doubt it. Primarily because she's rejected me in the past. She is the type to be afraid of intimacy, so based on that angle, she might be scared of those kinds of feelings, but really that's the only way it would make sense.

She did say that she's afraid of being responsible for other people's unhappiness, to which I told her that she's only ever made me happy. We've had communication issues in the past that have led to fights and confusion, so, if there's any actual rationalisation to what she's doing, it's probably that she just got tired of it. The thing is, things were actually starting to look up on that front and we were making progress, so the timing doesn't make sense.

 

[ardour]

This will be an unwelcome comment but the “I’m scared” thing sounds like a rationalization for removing herself from the situation while minimizing any hurt caused. If she’s scared it’s probably a fear of an intense friendship with someone who wants a lot more than she’s now prepared to give.

She may have been using you to help her get over a rough patch. You may have used each other. Whatever the case it seems like it’s over. You would do better to stop focusing all your emotions towards one individual.

 

[constant stranger]

If it was me I'd tell her to do whatever she needs to do for herself and that I won't make a nuisance of myself. But I wouldn't say goodbye. Later on, if she wants to renew our connection, then we'll see how we both feel.

 

[MentatsGhoul]

If it was me I'd tell her to do whatever she needs to do for herself and that I won't make a nuisance of myself.  But I wouldn't say goodbye.  Later on, if she wants to renew our connection, then we'll see how we both feel.

In essence, that's what I did. I'm still worried though. But at any rate, I have nothing more to add that I didn't already tell her, so I'll let it go for now, unless something comes to mind

 

[Forsaken-Knight]

This will be an unwelcome comment but the  “I’m scared” thing sounds like a  rationalization for removing herself from the situation while minimizing any hurt caused. If she’s scared it’s  probably a fear of an intense friendship with someone who wants a lot more than she’s now prepared to give.  

She may have been using you to help her get over a rough patch. You may have used each other. Whatever the case it seems like it’s over. You would do better to stop focusing all your emotions towards one individual.

seems like sound advice there.....

 

[MisterLonely]

I can't tell you what to do, i've had more or less the same experience with someone i had an romantic interrest in (and she had in me or so she claimed), what hurt me the most was the lack of clairity for me, I didn't know what i did wrong, she wouldn't talk to me, it was just over like a switch was flipped, but you can't turn feelings of like that.

If the problem is anxiety, maybe you can help her break through that anxiety, just don't push to hard, but don't be indifferent, as long as it feels like she is still fighting her feelings and/or angst make sure to be there for her.

If it seems the friendship is unsalvageble then try to get clairity obout the why, and do this in a non hostile (no other way to describe this) way, you'll need this for your own sanity.

I wish you the best of luck and hope it works out.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I don't know about the "I'm scared" thing... Constant stranger may have a point with that one. But I do know that even if you thought it was best to talk through the emotions the both of you are having, that doesn't mean she wants to. She may not want to, or care to, or even know how to. You just can't push your logic onto her. She'll probably back away even more than she does now.

 

[Forsaken-Knight]

I can't tell you what to do, i've had more or less the same experience with someone i had an romantic interrest in (and she had in me or so she claimed), what hurt me the most was the lack of clairity for me, I didn't know what i did wrong, she wouldn't talk to me, it was just over like a switch was flipped, but you can't turn feelings of like that.

If the problem is anxiety, maybe you can help her break through that anxiety, just don't push to hard, but don't be indifferent, as long as it feels like she is still fighting her feelings and/or angst make sure to be there for her.

If it seems the friendship is unsalvageble then try to get clairity obout the why, and do this in a non hostile (no other way to describe this) way, you'll need this for your own sanity.

I wish you the best of luck and hope it works out.

You know i had the EXACT same thing happen recently..were we seeing the same woman???? LOL..

One day..I love you...were going strong...the very next nothing....for about 6 weeks..then out of the blue..I hear from her...but thats another story....

 

[MisterLonely]

I can't tell you what to do, i've had more or less the same experience with someone i had an romantic interrest in (and she had in me or so she claimed), what hurt me the most was the lack of clairity for me, I didn't know what i did wrong, she wouldn't talk to me, it was just over like a switch was flipped, but you can't turn feelings of like that.

If the problem is anxiety, maybe you can help her break through that anxiety, just don't push to hard, but don't be indifferent, as long as it feels like she is still fighting her feelings and/or angst make sure to be there for her.

If it seems the friendship is unsalvageble then try to get clairity obout the why, and do this in a non hostile (no other way to describe this) way, you'll need this for your own sanity.

I wish you the best of luck and hope it works out.

You know i had the EXACT same thing happen recently..were we seeing the same woman???? LOL..

One day..I love you...were going strong...the very next nothing....for about 6 weeks..then out of the blue..I hear from her...but thats another story....

Hope that story ended well for you!
Now I had the exact same thing happen with her to, only a year later i suddenly hear from her.... and i fell for her again ( :club: ) .... back to story one from here ...

 

[Forsaken-Knight]

I can't tell you what to do, i've had more or less the same experience with someone i had an romantic interrest in (and she had in me or so she claimed), what hurt me the most was the lack of clairity for me, I didn't know what i did wrong, she wouldn't talk to me, it was just over like a switch was flipped, but you can't turn feelings of like that.

If the problem is anxiety, maybe you can help her break through that anxiety, just don't push to hard, but don't be indifferent, as long as it feels like she is still fighting her feelings and/or angst make sure to be there for her.

If it seems the friendship is unsalvageble then try to get clairity obout the why, and do this in a non hostile (no other way to describe this) way, you'll need this for your own sanity.

I wish you the best of luck and hope it works out.

You know i had the EXACT same thing happen recently..were we seeing the same woman???? LOL..

One day..I love you...were going strong...the very next nothing....for about 6 weeks..then out of the blue..I hear from her...but thats another story....

Hope that story ended well for you!
Now I had the exact same thing happen with her to, only a year later i suddenly hear from her.... and i fell for her again ( :club: ) .... back to story one from here ...

Buddy it took ever ounce of strength I have  NOT to go back.....i struggle with it daily..but take it one day at a time...and hopefully in time.....it will be a thing of the past...

 

[van0994]

I think some people don't want to say why because theres either too much to say that bothers them or they just lost interest but if they didin't say it's probably not to hurt your feelings. There are times when you just want to change the person personality so much that you realize that person wasint for you.