Alyvamp
Member
- Joined
- Jun 27, 2014
- Messages
- 10
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Hey there! So, im Aly and I kind of found this site on google after looking for forums for low self-esteem and stuff. I will give a (some what!) brief explanation of why I am here…please bear with me and hopefully I don’t bore you to death! ;D
I just turned 26 last week and currently feel like I am failing at life. I’m in a relationship that I have been in for more than 5 years and even though my boyfriend loves me and I know this, I am not happy. I have very few friends and find it really hard to maintain relationships, which I do feel is my own fault because I don’t put in the effort…I don’t know why I do this. The friends that I do have, my best friend especially, I know I can count on for anything. Despite this I cant help but feel so alone sometimes. I often feel like I’m not myself or I just don’t feel ‘right’ and I struggle to deal with these feelings. Last year I broke up with my current boyfriend and we were separated for around 8 months, during this time I actually started to date a guy who I met on an online game. I am from the UK and he is from the US, he did come here and we met but things eventually didn’t work out. During all this time, I was suffering from bad depression and was self harming, I had bad anxiety too and felt some days like I wanted to just end it all. I saw my doctor a few times and he didn’t help at all, in fact nobody did and I felt as though nobody believed me. I started paying to see a private therapist, he said I had low self esteem…which I knew anyway. I saw him for about 2 months but eventually I couldn’t afford to keep seeing him and again didn’t feel like he was listening to me or believed me.
When I was in high school I was bullied for being fat, ugly, having bad skin and had very few friends. Half way through high school my family moved to another town and I started a new school, I eventually became quite popular but I had been left with serious insecurities and felt like I had to act as not myself in order to be liked. I would go in to school every day dreading if my ‘friends’ were not there and if I would have to be alone. Needless to say I hated my whole experience of high school and it has left me with some massive self esteem issues. My mother and father separated when I was about 3, I don’t remember it but after my dad re-married I saw him very little. My mother re-married and my step dad became my father figure and we have a great relationship. My dad had a daughter with his new wife (my half sister) and my mum had a son with my step dad (my half brother) and I have always felt like the outsider in both families. I lived with my mum and step dad and brother and they have a very close family relationship, I am always kind of on the outside…which I do blame myself for partly.
I got back with my current boyfriend in about February this year and my life sort of started to get back on track. I had gained quite a bit of weight so I started to eat healthy and joined a gym – I am still keeping this up but I can feel myself slipping back to not caring. I don’t consider myself to be totally unattractive and I do believe I have a good personality, despite this I automatically assume people wont like me or that I am an annoyance to people. I feel like I seek out attention through online friendships and relationships and abandon my real relationships. I currently have a friendship with a guy who I have been talking to for over a year and he massively plays on my insecurities and makes me feel worse, yet I find I cant stop myself constantly seeking his approval. I find that my moods can change instantly and one minute I can feel fine and ‘normal’, the next I feel really down and feel like I want to go out and get wasted and act reckless – like I just don’t care about anything or anyone.
Anyway, so sorry for the huge novel. I just wanted to give some detail about why I am here in hope of finding other people who might be going through similar things or have similar feelings. I also want to try help others who are like me, I am not here just for it to be all about me. Thanks for reading if you made it to the end! ^-^
I just turned 26 last week and currently feel like I am failing at life. I’m in a relationship that I have been in for more than 5 years and even though my boyfriend loves me and I know this, I am not happy. I have very few friends and find it really hard to maintain relationships, which I do feel is my own fault because I don’t put in the effort…I don’t know why I do this. The friends that I do have, my best friend especially, I know I can count on for anything. Despite this I cant help but feel so alone sometimes. I often feel like I’m not myself or I just don’t feel ‘right’ and I struggle to deal with these feelings. Last year I broke up with my current boyfriend and we were separated for around 8 months, during this time I actually started to date a guy who I met on an online game. I am from the UK and he is from the US, he did come here and we met but things eventually didn’t work out. During all this time, I was suffering from bad depression and was self harming, I had bad anxiety too and felt some days like I wanted to just end it all. I saw my doctor a few times and he didn’t help at all, in fact nobody did and I felt as though nobody believed me. I started paying to see a private therapist, he said I had low self esteem…which I knew anyway. I saw him for about 2 months but eventually I couldn’t afford to keep seeing him and again didn’t feel like he was listening to me or believed me.
When I was in high school I was bullied for being fat, ugly, having bad skin and had very few friends. Half way through high school my family moved to another town and I started a new school, I eventually became quite popular but I had been left with serious insecurities and felt like I had to act as not myself in order to be liked. I would go in to school every day dreading if my ‘friends’ were not there and if I would have to be alone. Needless to say I hated my whole experience of high school and it has left me with some massive self esteem issues. My mother and father separated when I was about 3, I don’t remember it but after my dad re-married I saw him very little. My mother re-married and my step dad became my father figure and we have a great relationship. My dad had a daughter with his new wife (my half sister) and my mum had a son with my step dad (my half brother) and I have always felt like the outsider in both families. I lived with my mum and step dad and brother and they have a very close family relationship, I am always kind of on the outside…which I do blame myself for partly.
I got back with my current boyfriend in about February this year and my life sort of started to get back on track. I had gained quite a bit of weight so I started to eat healthy and joined a gym – I am still keeping this up but I can feel myself slipping back to not caring. I don’t consider myself to be totally unattractive and I do believe I have a good personality, despite this I automatically assume people wont like me or that I am an annoyance to people. I feel like I seek out attention through online friendships and relationships and abandon my real relationships. I currently have a friendship with a guy who I have been talking to for over a year and he massively plays on my insecurities and makes me feel worse, yet I find I cant stop myself constantly seeking his approval. I find that my moods can change instantly and one minute I can feel fine and ‘normal’, the next I feel really down and feel like I want to go out and get wasted and act reckless – like I just don’t care about anything or anyone.
Anyway, so sorry for the huge novel. I just wanted to give some detail about why I am here in hope of finding other people who might be going through similar things or have similar feelings. I also want to try help others who are like me, I am not here just for it to be all about me. Thanks for reading if you made it to the end! ^-^
