New member, sharing my story

[sayragirl]

So this is my story. My husband has had three emotional affairs. We call them emotional affairs because he swears he did not sleep with either of them. I'm not sure I believe him.
The first emotional affair was after we had been married for 3 years. He started coming home talking about this girl at his work, how he felt so bad for her because he husband treated her so bad and never sexually satisfied her. I think it was pretty innocent at first on his end and she knew exactly what she was doing. Mainly I believe this because he was telling me these things. He told me about how he told her that sexually satisfying his partner was important to him and such. Red flags immediately went off in my head. I didn't want to be that crazy person immediately jumps on any friends that are girls. I did ask him to be careful, that talking about sex with someone of the opposite sex, who is not your partner, might not be the best idea. He pretty much ignored me and later I found out that they were calling each other every night when I was at work. She brought her boys over to my house for Halloween, while I was at work. And she lived no where near us.
Obviously this caused conflict and after a lot of heart ache, he finally quit talking to her altogether
About three years later we moved and the same things started happening with another woman. This time she supposedly had been sexually assaulted as a child and she needed him to help her get over it. I found out because he left his Facebook up by accident and I saw an email to her that said I love you over and over, probably about 100+ times and was signed your secret bf. I asked him about it. She was a really good friend of the family so that is how he explained away the I love yous but then told me bf meant best friend instead of boyfriend. He apparently got worried he was caught, he couldn't not talk to this person because like I said she was a friend of the family but he did a really good job of backing off and didn't talk to her much at all for several years.
That leads us up to the big one. Same girl as the second affair. I knew something was going on. He started acting terrible to me. Said he wanted to not be married anymore, but his entire family is very religious so he didn't believe he could ask for a divorce, especially not if his cheating was found out. So he tried to get me to divorce him. He said the worst things anyone has ever said to me. The very worst being that I should just do the world a favor and kill myself.
I was trying to figure out what to do. I was 3000 miles away from my family and I was too embarrassed to talk to them about it. So I was all alone. He did agree to therapy, in which he swore over and over there was no affair, he just didn't like me anymore.
Then he accidentally sent me a text meant for this girl. So obviously it was all out in the open. He started acting like he might hurt himself. I called our friends over but he left before they arrived. I called his parents. They were 3 hours from us but were coming up. He stayed gone all night, and then early in the morning he sent me a text saying he thought he was dying because he had swallowed a whole bottle of asprin. I called 911. At the hospital he begged and begged me to stay with him. He took the asprin because he didn't want to lose me. He told his girlfriend to leave right in front of me and that he didn't want to talk to her ever again. And he hasnt.
It took me a long time to wrap my head around everything, eventually I told him I was moving back to be near my family. I have a huge family, they all made it very clear they didn't want to see him again. I told him I was going and it was his choice if he came or not. He did come. He got a lot of slack from my family but rode it out, now he has a good relationship with them. He tries to be as open and honest as possible with me. He put mobile watchdog on his phone so I could see all his email and texts. We are still in therapy, everything I suggested he has done. He was offered a work phone and turned it down and let's me look at his phone and tablet whenever I want. He calls or texts me when he is out, where he is, etc
He really seems to be trying. It has been 4 years since the last affair. I don't discuss it, other than in therapy, because I don't want to make him feel like I can't get over it. We connect well now, have a really good sex life. We don't fight often but when we do we talk it out, why we feel the way we feel. I actually feel pretty good about us.
But I still feel very lonely. It's not that he hasn't changed, I think he has, it is about me having to go through that, three times plus his hate texts he sent me during the last affair. My self esteem is still low, I am on wellbutrin to help that. But I feel like my emotions isolate me. Sometimes I still worry about other women. I feel like sometimes I build a wall between is, don't get too close in case it happens again. In therapy we have been working on bringing that wall down, but I worry a lot about getting too close to him to the point I will be heartbroken again if it happens again. He is really one of my best friends. We have been married 17 years. We have alot of fun together, laugh together, share adventures together and I don't want to give that up, but I still do feel like my fear isolates me and makes me feel very lonely.
Am I wrong? Should I still be feeling this way?

 

[TheRealCallie]

Welcome to the forum

You don't trust him, that's why you still feel that way. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way and there's nothing wrong with staying with him, but can I ask WHY you stayed with him? I'm not talking about now, but before, when he was having the affairs.
Honestly, from experience, you might never get over the affairs and I doubt you will ever fully trust him again, but if you can live with it, be happy and try not to worry so much.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Welcome to the forum sayragirl. I hope you'll find what you're looking for here.

I gotta say that after reading your post, I thought what a brave and strong woman you are to face something like that multiple times and still keep going, still sounding level-headed about it all despite the hurt.

I'm sorry to read about your experiences with your husband though.. it's horrible. I don't know how you put up with it over and over again... like Callie asked above, I wonder why you stayed, especially after the second time seeing that it is a repeated action on his part.

I feel that even though you are getting along well now in a lot of areas, I think you've lost that trust and particular connection you had with him before and I think that's what's making you feel lonely. That loss has caused you feeling this void of loneliness and I have a hard time believing it will ever come back with him, unless you can totally forget the bitter past you had with each other.

 

[sayragirl]

Why I stayed is a really good question. I have made a lot of excuses in that area before. I'd say, love or he is the one that knows me inside and out. But if I am really honest, it was fear. Fear of not having financial security, being ok on my own or finding someone else. I actually had a therapist once tell me that she thought I was afraid of not being able to find someone else. I guess that is it. I fear being alone, being lonely, being really ok on my own and yes, the idea of dating makes me want to throw up. And in all honesty, I think that because my husband has done this to me so many times that maybe it is me. Maybe there is something wrong with me and maybe anyone I would get involved with would see what he sees.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Why I stayed is a really good question. I have made a lot of excuses in that area before. I'd say, love or he is the one that knows me inside and out. But if I am really honest, it was fear. Fear of not having financial security, being ok on my own or finding someone else. I actually had a therapist once tell me that she thought I was afraid of not being able to find someone else. I guess that is it. I fear being alone, being lonely, being really ok on my own and yes, the idea of dating makes me want to throw up. And in all honesty, I think that because my husband has done this to me so many times that maybe it is me. Maybe there is something wrong with me and maybe anyone I would get involved with would see what he sees.

All those reasons you stated are common reasons I hear of those who stay in an abusive relationships or a relationship such as yours. There is really nothing wrong with you, sayragirl. I think often times, people tend to forget how to truly appreciate what or who they already have with them after some time... and they take things for granted. He should've been grateful that you were willing to make things work after that first and second time he cheated, I feel. And he should've counted himself seriously lucky to still have you stick around after the third. If he really wanted other people, he should have had the decency to admit and take responsibility over his actions.

What do you plan to do from now onwards? There are quite friendly members around here you can interact with, maybe it might help you some with your loneliness. Or you could try the forum chat room.

Are you still seeing a therapist at the moment?

 

[TheRealCallie]

Why I stayed is a really good question. I have made a lot of excuses in that area before. I'd say, love or he is the one that knows me inside and out. But if I am really honest, it was fear. Fear of not having financial security, being ok on my own or finding someone else. I actually had a therapist once tell me that she thought I was afraid of not being able to find someone else. I guess that is it. I fear being alone, being lonely, being really ok on my own and yes, the idea of dating makes me want to throw up. And in all honesty, I think that because my husband has done this to me so many times that maybe it is me. Maybe there is something wrong with me and maybe anyone I would get involved with would see what he sees.

I know how all of those feel and a few more. It is definitely not you, it's HIM. I can also tell you that if you do decide to leave him (or even if he leaves you), you CAN survive. Actually, I'll take that a step further and say you will THRIVE without him. Yes, it will take work and it's hard in the beginning, but I come through it and I am much better now that I'm without my ex.
Look at it this way...Are you HAPPY? Does being with him and having the doubts make you happy?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not pushing you to leave him, that is your choice and yours alone, but would you really be any worse off if you were without him? Don't worry about the financial security part. I was a stay at home mom for 10 years when mine left me. It took a little time, but I found a job and now I have more money than he does despite him making over twice as much as me.

Do what will make you happy in the end. Don't rely on him for that, you have to do that yourself.

 

[sayragirl]

All those reasons you stated are common reasons I hear of those who stay in an abusive relationships or a relationship such as yours. There is really nothing wrong with you, sayragirl. I think often times, people tend to forget how to truly appreciate what or who they already have with them after some time... and they take things for granted. He should've been grateful that you were willing to make things work after that first and second time he cheated, I feel. And he should've counted himself seriously lucky to still have you stick around after the third. If he really wanted other people, he should have had the decency to admit and take responsibility over his actions.

What do you plan to do from now onwards? There are quite friendly members around here you can interact with, maybe it might help you some with your loneliness. Or you could try the forum chat room.

Are you still seeing a therapist at the moment?


I was seeing a personal therapist and she recommended that I transfer to marital therapy with my husband. I started having panic attacks. They were so bad that I felt like I was dying. Actually called 911. My personal therapist helped me work through what was causing the panic attacks. I thought I was over stressed from working too much but she felt like they were because of the affairs. I had become comfortable with my life post affairs and then things were changing. We were moving, he was starting a new job. And it brought it all back up for me.
I tend to feel like it isn't fair for him. It has been years since the last affair. He has really been trying, but it still bothers me.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I was seeing a personal therapist and she recommended that I transfer to marital therapy with my husband. I started having panic attacks. They were so bad that I felt like I was dying. Actually called 911. My personal therapist helped me work through what was causing the panic attacks. I thought I was over stressed from working too much but she felt like they were because of the affairs. I had become comfortable with my life post affairs and then things were changing. We were moving, he was starting a new job. And it brought it all back up for me.
I tend to feel like it isn't fair for him. It has been years since the last affair. He has really been trying, but it still bothers me.

Sayragirl, in this case, he should be understanding of your situation and why you're feeling this way. If you are not thinking of leaving this behind and if you're determined to work on it, talking to your husband about how it still bothers you and seeking his understanding to help you through this would be a start... if that hasn't been done already. I'm only really glad you have a personal therapist helping you out.. I hope you keep talking to her if it helps.

Isn't fair for your husband? You shouldn't even be thinking like that. It was never fair to you when he did what he did for three freakin times. Sayragirl, stop making excuses for him. You may not see it, but as an outsider, I don't think he deserves anymore understanding than what you have given him all those years. Now, it is your time. You have neglected yourself for so long, putting up with his antics and giving him understanding that you totally forget or overlook about taking care of how you feel about all of this and now, it's catching up to you.

So please, focus on yourself now. You don't want to lose yourself while trying to be so understanding and so fair to him when he made it all unfair in the first place for you. You should do whatever you want to do now, for your own sake and if he can't even give his support or even understanding how you are having issues right now because of his actions- man, you really need to assess the relationship between you two and come to a realisation that it is pretty lopsided here and he's getting everything he's wanted and you're left behind picking up on all the messes he's made after he's spat on you and mistreated you, and yet you are still there for him.

So of course, it will still bother you until you take this time to take care of yourself and make yourself feel better. He should come second.

 

[Nuke1967]

Hello and Welcome.

Being a male and I have never been married always single, I never truly understood the mindset to cheat on your mate, my brother and sister had that happen and went through messy divorces because of it, maybe it is the grass is always greener syndrome, my way of thinking if your truly that unhappy in your marriage then talk to your spouse about it and if you can't work it out then divorce, if the mindset in a guy is if I divorce it will cost me, it will cost you a whole lot more if your wife has proof of your cheating.

My parents stayed together even though my dad was an alcoholic and drank up all his money and stayed out, he never cheated, but my mom stayed with him even through almost losing our home and having to go on food stamps to feed us, I was told that their generation really stuck to for better or worse.

I am sorry you have went through all of that, I know from my siblings it is never easy and causes a world of hurt to believe your were betrayed, so hugs to you and best wishes.

 

[Magalie]

Hello,sayragirl and welcome to the forum!

 

[PenDragon]

Hey sayragirl, welcome

 

[constant stranger]

Hi there sayragirl......I wouldn't trust your husband very much.....I hope he's worth staying with. Have you considered what it would take, logistically and personally, to prepare for and develop a life completely independent of him? Kind of like having an emergency exit plan waiting on the shelf, as it were, if his conduct became utterly unacceptable and you needed to escape? It's what I'd be thinking of doing.......